Is this a commitment text?

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm just curious about it...

Yes -I sense that your mindset in general is not serious-minded - you want men to want you - and you want your date to want to be committed to you -but more out of ego than really wanting to be serious with one person.  Just my sense.

[Sindy_0311]

Little update, we saw each other yesterday, he left early this afternoon. 

We have been talking. First about the kid, how I sensed he was not ready to meet him and would have appreciated if he could have told me sincerely about it instead of trying to please me. He then said that for him this is an important step. And if it ever happens someday he would want to do things right etc…

Then I asked him whether he was seeing anyone else. He told me he didn’t. So I asked him whether he was being exclusive. He said that for the moment he wasn’t willing to engage with anyone else but then said, but who knows if someday I get to have a crush on someone else I cannot promise fidelity. Ouch… he also said that he isn’t looking for a FWB or casual relationship. He then asked how I function on that level (exclusivity) I confessed that I wasn’t exclusive until it’s decided from both parts, and that I like it when it’s brought up by the other person. 

Then we talked about the time we spend together. I told him that I would love to spend more time, that seeing each other only during the weekend every two weeks it’s not enough for me. He then said he would think about that. but that he also assumed that I wouldn’t be willing to drive to his place during work days, and that he first wanted to see me yesterday but had to go to his sister…and that he wanted to invite me to go with him today to a event with his old work colleagues but that they said it was only guys… maybe these are all excuses… idk. 

During our discussion, he also mentioned him having some concern about adjusting to a new relationship as he has been single for so long… he is not used to it… @rainbowsandrosesthis one is for you 😉

He asked whether I wanted more from the relationship at this point. I said I was ok but just willing to spend a little bit more time together.

One more little detail, we were joking yesterday about random things, him taking notes etc… and he asked me to test him, so I asked him my birthday date… he wasn’t able to remind… don’t know about you but guys, but when you like someone this something you usually keep in mind… isn’t it? 

My take on the situation is that he is appreciating my company for the time being, he might even like me but I doubt he has real intentions towards me for now… 

[Sindy_0311]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -I sense that your mindset in general is not serious-minded - you want men to want you - and you want your date to want to be committed to you -but more out of ego than really wanting to be serious with one person.  Just my sense.

This is not untrue… I think I don’t really know what I want… but this morning, when we were cuddling, I thought to myself, omg how I like this guy… 

Now that we had the discussion we needed to have, it will make things easier for both of us to decide whether it’s worth pursuing it or not… I will give myself a few days to reflect on that… 

[Batya33]

I would not see him again or risk your son getting attached.  He wants to keep his options open if some pretty lady catches his eye, etc.  And continue to date you (and have sex with you because after all that pretty lady might not pan out so why give you up?). You are Ms. Right For Now.  A placeholder -maybe he wants to try on a relationship and tell himself this is one but --oops with no commitment cause he might crush on someone -imagine that. 

(For me I haven't crushed on anyone but I also don't play with fire - he wants none of that "tied down" stuff either -oh ok I had a Radio Crush for a few years on my favorite local radio host - never met him in person or tried to, never called in - but before he married again if I had (no he wasn't that "hot") met him and if he had flirted/asked me out I'd have said no of course -but point is that only would have happened if I got the ball rolling which I didn't and nor did I want to -the thought would be absurd -it was fun to have my radio crush, then it faded and now I just like his radio show!).  

Your date wants the "freedom" to follow up on crushes.  Because he sees fidelity as restrictive.  Say buh bye and again -no meeting your child IM.

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

This is not untrue… I think I don’t really know what I want… but this morning, when we were cuddling, I thought to myself, omg how I like this guy… 

Now that we had the discussion we needed to have, it will make things easier for both of us to decide whether it’s worth pursuing it or not… I will give myself a few days to reflect on that… 

I don't know means no.  In this situation.  You like thing about him and he likes things about you even at an OMG level and neither of you is serious minded about the other.  I would be nauseous (and I was when it happened to me similarly) if a man I was into and intimate with in any way said what your person said.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I asked him whether he was seeing anyone else. He told me he didn’t. So I asked him whether he was being exclusive. My take on the situation is that he is appreciating my company for the time being.

It's good you talked. Agree he's fine with the way things are and doesn't want to go further.

However you're still talking to and seeing others but won't admit that to him so what's the point of your "exclusive" conversation if you want freedom to find someone more available? 

It seems like you interrogate him more for the purposes of reassurance rather than any sincere interest in being exclusive.

You seem to test him a great deal, but don't really act like GF material as far as talking to and meeting other men whenever he's not available at your convenience. Take a step back. Especially please don't force your child on casual men.

 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you talked. Agree he's fine with the way things are and doesn't want to go further.

However you're still talking to and seeing others but won't admit that to him so what's the point of your "exclusive" conversation if you want freedom to find someone more available? 

It seems like you interrogate him more for the purposes of reassurance rather than any sincere interest in being exclusive.

You seem to test him a great deal, but don't really act like GF material as far as talking to and meeting other men whenever he's not available at your convenience. Take a step back. Especially please don't force your child on casual men.

 

I didn’t propose to meet my child again. I conveyed it was to early to him. 
I don’t think he wants GF material (with me). In fact I think he likes the fact that I’m not being exclusive, it takes off a lift of his shoulders… that’s how I view it… 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I didn’t propose to meet my child again. I conveyed it was to early to him. 
I don’t think he wants GF material (with me). In fact I think he likes the fact that I’m not being exclusive, it takes off a lift of his shoulders… that’s how I view it… 

Yes -he doesn't see serious potential with you- but he likes playing at being a couple.  When I had a similar convo the guy ended up changing his mind about wanting "freedom" to meet other women "oh just for coffee" but I was stupid not to realize his change of heart was so I'd agree to intercourse. He never fell in love with me. I met all his friends, relatives, family -his mom called me Mrs. [his last name] with a wink and that was ok with him too.

He did fall in love with his future wife 6 months after he ended things -he was 40 and had had few serious relationships - I don't think he was 100% loyal in the beginning but then I'm not sure -they've been married around 18 years and from all I know they're happily married. 

I think you are relieved too otherwise I think you'd feel sick at the thought that he feels relief at being able to chase after random crushes after he gets out of the cuddle-fest in bed with you.

[Sindy_0311]

 

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you are relieved too otherwise I think you'd feel sick at the thought that he feels relief at being able to chase after random crushes after he gets out of the cuddle-fest in bed with you.

I do feel a sense of relieve… but also a bit of sadness because I know I will miss.  Now that you agreed that there’s no potential here, I know I won’t be able to pursue this… it’s pretty clear to me. 
what should I do? Wait a few more days? or just send him a text to tell him? 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I do feel a sense of relieve… but also a bit of sadness because I know I will miss.  Now that you agreed that there’s no potential here, I know I won’t be able to pursue this… it’s pretty clear to me. 
what should I do? Wait a few more days? or just send him a text to tell him? 

I wouldn't text.  I would call him because that's the right thing to do with a man you've been seeing this long and been intimate with and I would say.  "Thanks so much for telling me where you stand as far as us.  I don't think it makes sense for us to keep seeing each other because I find myself getting attached to you and I'm not good with you keeping your options open in case you crush on someone. It's just not my style and not my style with you."  

(And no I wouldn't say if you change your mind.... etc - because given his history and the fact you're not that into him as far as commitment -you too are keeping options open - it's not fair because if he has a sudden change of heart -you don't want him in that way either)

But if you want  a fun fling and don't feel you'll get attached or blame him for "using you" (because obviously he would not be) then sure keep up the playing house with the at home dates/sex/fun.

[Sindy_0311]

Thank you so much for your kindness Batya. I think I will just leave it at that for now. Digest this whole thing. And give him a call when it’s appropriate. Because I also know he is going to be busy today. So maybe tomorrow night. 

My only concern now is if he texts me throughout the day what should I do? Continue being friendly or what?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I know I won’t be able to pursue this… 

Do you have someone else lined up? Since neither of you want to be exclusive and there's so many scheduling incompatibilities and a lot of drama for casual dating, maybe wait a while or just let this fizzle out? 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have someone else lined up? Since neither of you want to be exclusive and there's so many scheduling incompatibilities and a lot of drama for casual dating, maybe wait a while or just let this fizzle out? 

I don’t have one specific person lined up. If it’s what you mean. I meet this guy twice this week, but sensed that he was willing to rush things on an intimate level(we didn’t have sex though)  

So you suggest I don’t act now? Just let it fizzle with festival guy? 
 

[boltnrun]

You won't commit to him unless he commits to you.  You two are at a stalemate.

My take is if either of you really wanted to be committed to one another you would.  Since you both are coming up with excuses not to be exclusive, I can only conclude it's because you don't want to be.  And if you don't want to be you can either a) continue on dating and having casual sex with the understanding that you will date others and he will be looking for a woman to "crush" on or b) decide you do want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone and end this whatever it is because it's not getting you what you want.

BTW, cuddling up to someone in the morning feels nice but that's not love.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 Just let it fizzle with festival guy? 

It's been a mess since the festival, so it's just a matter of sooner or later and whatever you're comfortable with.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

what should I do? Wait a few more days? or just send him a text to tell him? 

You should have done that in person. Not message him after few days when you agree with him and what he said. He thinks everything is fine now. While you are just looking for an easy way out.

Its clear that he doesnt want something more, and chances for that to change are minimal no matter how he tried to embelish that. Since you do want something more eventually, yes, breaking up all of this is your best option. And dont do this over text, its lame. Either call him or do it when you see each other next time.

[Sindy_0311]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You should have done that in person. not message him after few days when you agree with him and what he said. He thinks everything is fine now. While you are just looking for an easy way out.

Its clear that he doesnt want something more, and chances for that to change are minimal no matter how he tried to embelish that. Since you do want something more eventually, yes, breaking up all of this is your best option. And dont do this over text, its lame. Either call him or do it when you see each other next time.

I didn’t agree on anything. We were just talking. I usually take my time to reflect on things that are being said. I don’t react on the jump. But seeing him just to tell him it’s not going to work is a waste for time for both of us… be don’t live next door… so I guess I will just let it fizzle for now, and if he wants to talk about it I will respond. I don’t think he went ‘all fine’ as you say. I think he knows things are not ok for both of us. Just an intuition I had when he left…

[Kwothe28]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I usually take my time to reflect on things that are being said. I don’t react on the jump.

That is OK. However, I think those thoughts could be conveyed in person. 

- Sorry, I cant promise fidelity if I have a crush on someone else.

- OK that arrangement doesnt work for me because I want a relationship eventually, not a passing thing until somebody else shows up, goodbye.

I mean its debatable because you also date other people. But it shouldnt be that hard to convey what you want. Its clear that you didnt like his answers and dont want this to continue. So you now just

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I will just let it fizzle for now

again are looking for an easy way out. While he thinks its OK to continue your arrangement because

a) you said to him its OK to date other people

b) he clearly told you he doesnt want a relationship and you havent raised a question about it so he thinks you are Ok with that

So you just fizzling out will just leave him confused. Because you havent conveyed that you are not actually OK with his answers. Hence why it maybe requires an actual conversation. Not a souless message or you not answering to his messages.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

what should I do? Wait a few more days? or just send him a text to tell him? 

First off, I'm glad you talked and found out directly from him what I have pretty much been saying all along.  I hesitated using such catch-all phrases previously but will now.  He's a bonafide 'commitmentphobe.'  Classic case. 

He can't commit to moving forward, he can't commit to moving back, so he hangs out tentatively in between, keeping options open and you dangling.   Confused and wondering what to do.  Ugh!

What do you do?  Assuming YOU want a relationship that includes exclusivity and eventually long term commitment, you tell him after talking, you realize you're on different pages re what you want and envision for the future.

Wish him well, walk away, and delete his number.  And continue doing what you're doing -  talking to, meeting and dating other guys.

Simple as that and imo I think text is fine.  You weren't exclusive, there was no "relationship," he wasn't your boyfriend, just keep it short and simple. 

He is "Mr. Unavailable" in the extteme sense and unless you want to lower your standards and accept being the "Fallback Girl" (per Natalie Lue), this is DONE.

I'm sorry it didn't work out Sindy.  Hopefully you will learn something valuable from it, like paying attention to a man's history (i.e. no relationships at 40 years of age), stop focusing on a man's "potential," being clear (with yourself) on what you want from the beginning and not settling for less.

All the best moving forward! 

[Sindy_0311]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Simple as that and imo I think text is fine.  You weren't exclusive, there was no "relationship," he wasn't your boyfriend, just keep it short and simple. 

Also my thought about it. I don’t need to justify myself at this point. 

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fallback Girl

I clearly sense I’m some kind of… 

yes I will learn about it and just move on… no drama. 

[Batya33]

He's not necessarily phobic of anything just not that into her sufficiently to give up his freedom to pursue a crush.  I wouldn't assume.  

If he texts you respond politely but don't further the convo.

Given the number of times you had dates and the sleepovers I'd call at least.  Not text.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

He's not necessarily phobic of anything just not that into her sufficiently to give up his freedom to pursue a crush. 

Also my opinion… he might even commit from the start the day he finds his ms right… 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

Also my opinion… he might even commit from the start the day he finds his ms right… 

Totally.  I think it was responsible of him not to meet your child BTW given that he wants to keep his options open.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Also my opinion… he might even commit from the start the day he finds his ms right… 

I might agree except look at his history.  No relationships at 40 years of age?  

There IS no "Ms. Right" for men like him imo and experience. He lacks the emotional tools and wherewithal for it.

You're free to disagree not that it matters, he's not interested in a relationship with you, that's ALL that matters at this point. :(

 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I might agree except look at his history.  No relationships at 40 years of age?  

There IS no "Ms. Right" for men like him imo and experience. He lacks the emotional tools and wherewithal for it.

You're free to disagree not that it matters, he's not interested in a relationship with you, that's ALL that matters at this point. 😞

 

I think this is full of assumptions based on age/relationship history. I wouldn't go diagnosing "emotional tools" because I'd stick with the basics -people move towards pleasure and away from pain - he wants the pleasure of being able to pursue a crush more than the pleasure of having her as his person, his significant other.  

I was commented on tons when I was 38 and "still single" - I was "a career woman" and therefore didn't really want a husband/kids, I was "too picky," I was afraid of commitment, etc etc.  It was really tiring to be subjected to all that armchair analysis.