Frustrated over my Girlfriend, What should I do?

[Juhnjo]

To get some things out of the way first

• I am an low maintenance autistic who is very bad at social cues, my girlfriend is aware of this.

• I recently had a death in my family, and I was very close with this family member so I'm grief-stricken right now as well, basically I'm not at my best right now, emotionally. 

• While this isn't my first relationship (Neither is it my first long distance relationship) It is my first relationship where I am trying to be intimate with someone. Such as holding hands, cuddling, ect.

• My GF has some sexual related trauma so I'm very careful on not crossing her boundaries are I still am new to these things and don't want to do anything wrong

• My GF also recently has gotten away from her extremely toxic family and her abuser 

 

Me and My Girlfriend have started dating fairly recently. We we're online best friends for nearly 6 years now and now we are moving into this new relationship. 

We also recently had our first meetup a few months ago and while I, of course expected it to be a wee awkward since it'd be the first time we are spending time together in person, I had a very good time with her myself.

This weekend after our 2nd meet up, (I went to her city) She revealed to me that everything just felt off and our second meet up was her chance to "gauge" how everything was between us. She then said she did not think I was ever excited to see her, or that she didn't think I initiated enough with her, and how I seem like "a different person"

She then mentioned how she felt like this on our first meet up, which threw me off and I questioned her as to why she hadn't mentioned it then so we could have resolved whatever this was. Since it's been months that means she's been sitting on it and I do not like that sort of thing. We've always been direct as friends as well which is why it threw me off her not speaking up immediately.

She then said it was because she was so used to her family telling her she was making things up in her head whenever she brought something up and she thought she was just imagining things so she waited until now to say something after she had made sure. I understood where she was coming from but was still upset she let it fester this long to say something.

She then mentioned that I am often on the phone when I am with her. (As in phone calls) I told her that if my family members call me, I am going to answer. Especially because of the recent loss we have experienced. I didn't think it would be a problem to talk with my family while I was with her (as these are the only people calling me or that I talked to during our time together)

She also mentioned during the first time we met and our 2nd meet up. How she was raring to hug me and it just seemed like I did not want to hug her. This is a fault of mine, I am not a hugging person, and both times I was trying to get her bags in the vehicle first, and mine out the second time. Even though I'm not a running to hug person I DID hug her after the bags were in/out of the vehicle. I told her that I AM excited to see her and that I'm sorry my first priority isn't to hug her when getting out of a vehicle. Once again. A fault of mine, I was raised to get your bags first and do the rest after you've settled that.

I also told her that about the initiative thing, I do hold her hand, I do kiss her on the cheek and forehear and when we go to sleep together I asked her to intertwine her legs with mine. As I'm not sure cuddling is okay yet, especially since the first time I tried to do it she threw me off saying it was hot (She gets hot very easily) 

She on the other hand does not try to hold my hand or do any other thing besides hug me and this is fine. I have no problem with this as I assumed we were taking things slowly. 

I informed her that I didn't think things were going to be "instant" or "immediate" and I didn't sense that awkwardness she said she felt especially at our 2nd meeting because I am comfortable around her and I wasn't rushing things because frankly, she's the person I want to be with, I didn't think there was a need to rush things as I am not going anywhere anytime soon and I didn't think she had any plans too either. I told her I'd do better at the intimacy thing but she'd have to give me time because once again this is my first time doing all of this with anyone.

 

What I am frustrated at is that I think she had these expectations of me anf then disappointed herself when I did not meet said expectations. I had a very good time both times we saw each other and I am always so happy and excited to see her even when it doesn't show on my face. (I always countdown the weeks and days before we see each other, once again. She knows this) which is why I'm thinking she just had this version of me in her head I did not live up to.

 

It's frustrating because I feel as if it's my fault she didn't have a good time with me but how was I supposed to know if she did not communicate to me in the moment and did it so last minute after we were no longer together in person. Please tell me what I should to be a better partner to her like this, I'm still unsure how do this relationship thing.

 

[Coily]

Long distance is hard.

Have you mentioned that you are excited to see her, in exactly the terms you used here? It really sounds like the two of you are having some basic disconnects on how to talk with each other in person, it's not uncommon when a long distance relationship has been cultivated.

Just be open and be okay taking a blind lead from time to time, make sure she knows that you'll respect her wishes either way. The best thing is to communicate openly, it's going to take a while and you will both make mistakes. Try not to direct your frustrations at her, but rather use that as motivation to explore how to do things where you both are happy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you seem to be better at being friends than lovers and the transition doesn't seem to be going well. Perhaps she's not the right person for you as far as a relationship. Is she open about her sexuality? 

[Andrina]

Why do you have a pattern of LDRs when they are the most difficult types of dating, and have a high risk of failure? As you can see, the fantasy that takes place because of so much cyber time before actually meeting creates a false picture of who the person really is.

How far away from one another do you live? Will their be equal effort in visiting one another? Can you both afford regular visits? The problem with LDRs is that it's not the normal pace of dating, which is why she might have gotten snippy with too much time together at the very beginning, which can be avoided when you date locally.

I only know that if someone is constantly criticizing me, it's not a good foundation to build a beautiful relationship. A person can voice wants and needs with good communication in a positive way without criticizing. If you end up feeling upset and she makes you feel "less than" more than you feeling satisfied and happy with the relationship, it's the wrong relationship for you.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry to say, but if ater meeting somebody 2 times you have to say "Tell me what I should do to be a better partner" then you are not with the right person.

For example, she expects you to be more affectionate toward her. You dont exactly "learn" that. Either you are affectionate person or you arent. You, maybe because of autism or you are just maybe that kind of person, arent that. You cant be comfortable with something you just arent comfortable. Same with phone calls. You generally shouldnt do it unless it is an emmergency. And also, even in your case where you had a death in family(sorry to hear that btw) she (even though she knew that) wasnt really understandable person.

Which brings me to point no2. Its not just in your case but in a lot of cases of LDR. What you get over electronic device is a fantasy. In a reality, that expectations are usually not met. Some things(like for example you being affectionate or not ot that she isnt really that understandable to your circumstances) you would only notice in person. And not over electronic device. And sadly, your case is one of those cases where you both will start to notice stuff like that.

[Juhnjo]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why do you have a pattern of LDRs when they are the most difficult types of dating, and have a high risk of failure? As you can see, the fantasy that takes place because of so much cyber time before actually meeting creates a false picture of who the person really is.

How far away from one another do you live? Will their be equal effort in visiting one another? Can you both afford regular visits? The problem with LDRs is that it's not the normal pace of dating, which is why she might have gotten snippy with too much time together at the very beginning, which can be avoided when you date locally.

I only know that if someone is constantly criticizing me, it's not a good foundation to build a beautiful relationship. A person can voice wants and needs with good communication in a positive way without criticizing. If you end up feeling upset and she makes you feel "less than" more than you feeling satisfied and happy with the relationship, it's the wrong relationship for you.

It's not necessarily a pattern. If I'm being honest this is my only my second LDR relationship. After my first I truly did not want to do it again but I really think the two of us can do this. We are only 5 hours apart, and yes there has been equal parts visiting. Thank you for your comment 

[Juhnjo]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem to be better at being friends than lovers and the transition doesn't seem to be going well. Perhaps she's not the right person for you as far as a relationship. Is she open about her sexuality? 

She is open about it. I perceived we were taking things slowly but I guess she did not take it the same way. It is definitely lack of communication in that department 

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are incompatible.   You can hug on her terms but  if it feels unnatural for you to do so,  perhaps you can be your own person to different partner.

As for the phone answering,  I actually agree with your GF.  Whenever I'm with someone be it a family member or friend,  I don't want our time to be interrupted by calls,  texts or what have you.  This is what voicemails are for.  Listen later or call or text later because it's common sense and common courtesy.  It's  form of respect.  Same with during meals.  No phones,  no screen time because it is rude to be distracted instead of paying attention to the person or people whom you're with. 

I would say the only exception would be for emergencies or urgent matters which is rare.  Not every call or text is a dire emergency and can wait for a reply later at your convenience. 

My condolences.

If both of you don't mesh well,  then it doesn't make for an enduring relationship.

[Juhnjo]

20 hours ago, Juhnjo said:

To get some things out of the way first

• I am an low maintenance autistic who is very bad at social cues, my girlfriend is aware of this.

• I recently had a death in my family, and I was very close with this family member so I'm grief-stricken right now as well, basically I'm not at my best right now, emotionally. 

• While this isn't my first relationship (Neither is it my first long distance relationship) It is my first relationship where I am trying to be intimate with someone. Such as holding hands, cuddling, ect.

• My GF has some sexual related trauma so I'm very careful on not crossing her boundaries are I still am new to these things and don't want to do anything wrong

• My GF also recently has gotten away from her extremely toxic family and her abuser 

 

Me and My Girlfriend have started dating fairly recently. We we're online best friends for nearly 6 years now and now we are moving into this new relationship. 

We also recently had our first meetup a few months ago and while I, of course expected it to be a wee awkward since it'd be the first time we are spending time together in person, I had a very good time with her myself.

This weekend after our 2nd meet up, (I went to her city) She revealed to me that everything just felt off and our second meet up was her chance to "gauge" how everything was between us. She then said she did not think I was ever excited to see her, or that she didn't think I initiated enough with her, and how I seem like "a different person"

She then mentioned how she felt like this on our first meet up, which threw me off and I questioned her as to why she hadn't mentioned it then so we could have resolved whatever this was. Since it's been months that means she's been sitting on it and I do not like that sort of thing. We've always been direct as friends as well which is why it threw me off her not speaking up immediately.

She then said it was because she was so used to her family telling her she was making things up in her head whenever she brought something up and she thought she was just imagining things so she waited until now to say something after she had made sure. I understood where she was coming from but was still upset she let it fester this long to say something.

She then mentioned that I am often on the phone when I am with her. (As in phone calls) I told her that if my family members call me, I am going to answer. Especially because of the recent loss we have experienced. I didn't think it would be a problem to talk with my family while I was with her (as these are the only people calling me or that I talked to during our time together)

She also mentioned during the first time we met and our 2nd meet up. How she was raring to hug me and it just seemed like I did not want to hug her. This is a fault of mine, I am not a hugging person, and both times I was trying to get her bags in the vehicle first, and mine out the second time. Even though I'm not a running to hug person I DID hug her after the bags were in/out of the vehicle. I told her that I AM excited to see her and that I'm sorry my first priority isn't to hug her when getting out of a vehicle. Once again. A fault of mine, I was raised to get your bags first and do the rest after you've settled that.

I also told her that about the initiative thing, I do hold her hand, I do kiss her on the cheek and forehear and when we go to sleep together I asked her to intertwine her legs with mine. As I'm not sure cuddling is okay yet, especially since the first time I tried to do it she threw me off saying it was hot (She gets hot very easily) 

She on the other hand does not try to hold my hand or do any other thing besides hug me and this is fine. I have no problem with this as I assumed we were taking things slowly. 

I informed her that I didn't think things were going to be "instant" or "immediate" and I didn't sense that awkwardness she said she felt especially at our 2nd meeting because I am comfortable around her and I wasn't rushing things because frankly, she's the person I want to be with, I didn't think there was a need to rush things as I am not going anywhere anytime soon and I didn't think she had any plans too either. I told her I'd do better at the intimacy thing but she'd have to give me time because once again this is my first time doing all of this with anyone.

 

What I am frustrated at is that I think she had these expectations of me anf then disappointed herself when I did not meet said expectations. I had a very good time both times we saw each other and I am always so happy and excited to see her even when it doesn't show on my face. (I always countdown the weeks and days before we see each other, once again. She knows this) which is why I'm thinking she just had this version of me in her head I did not live up to.

 

It's frustrating because I feel as if it's my fault she didn't have a good time with me but how was I supposed to know if she did not communicate to me in the moment and did it so last minute after we were no longer together in person. Please tell me what I should to be a better partner to her like this, I'm still unsure how do this relationship thing.

 

Update: She has decided she would like a break from the relationship.

So I guess this means we are breaking up. Thank you all so much for your replies and advice I'll careful them considerably 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, Juhnjo said:

So I guess this means we are breaking up. 

This is for the best. 

After meeting in person, it seems there are actually significant incompatibilities. You aren't the right match for each other. 

[Cherylyn]

32 minutes ago, Juhnjo said:

Update: She has decided she would like a break from the relationship.

So I guess this means we are breaking up. Thank you all so much for your replies and advice I'll careful them considerably 

Yes,  it's in that direction.  Perhaps it's for the best to part ways peacefully.

[Juhnjo]

On 9/7/2023 at 12:11 PM, Juhnjo said:

Update: She has decided she would like a break from the relationship.

So I guess this means we are breaking up. Thank you all so much for your replies and advice I'll careful them considerably 

Update 2: Hi guys! It's been a while. This update won't really be an update but rather a vent I guess. I don't want to make another post about virtually the same problem so I'll just say it here

 

Whenever she proposed the break, It threw me off, since we had just discussed a problem she brought to the table and I had no time to fix it. We had a talk and the things she said in that talk are still rather bothering me a week later. She told me that, "Of course she tested me." And said that there was no, "Slow Pace" for her in a relationship. Rather, she wanted to do things with me immediately and not wait for me to gain that comfort level. Although in my head, I know those things are not right. It still bothers and me and I feel as if I've done something wrong. 

 

Can relationships be slow or was I just pushing my selfishness onto her?? I thought I knew this person but hearing her saw those things really upset me to the point where I'm not even sure if I'd like to maintain my friendship with her in the long run. I simply asked her for some time and she couldn't even give me that. 

 

I really did love her and this all hurts alot.

Thanks for all the advice again and allowing me to vent. That's all

[boltnrun]

Choosing these online attachments is going to result in exactly what you've experienced here. You go from electronic only communication to a few days spent constantly together and then back to electronic only and that's just too much of a disparity to maintain. And perhaps she has realized that trying to continue this is unrealistic.

I understand you may have more difficulty than others do, due to your autism. But I strongly recommend you make friendships and date people you can see in person regularly. 

[smackie9]

This is a #$%^ show because you both are in a word special needs. The trauma she has endured causes her to see things differently, and you with your autism, you see things differently from her. So the result is that you both have trouble navigating being around each other due to your different social perceptions/expectations etc.

Don't get miffed at her for trying to communicate with you. it's not the greatest communication, BUT you need to learn to listen, and be aware which is going to be difficult for you because you don't see the social cues. So that being said, you both need to sit down and lay out some ground rules about communicating expectations. None of you can just expect things from one another. You or her don't see it, then ask for it/request it. Simple as that. 

[Coily]

12 hours ago, Juhnjo said:

 She told me that, "Of course she tested me." And said that there was no, "Slow Pace" for her in a relationship. Rather, she wanted to do things with me immediately and not wait for me to gain that comfort level. Although in my head, I know those things are not right. It still bothers and me and I feel as if I've done something wrong. 

 

Can relationships be slow or was I just pushing my selfishness onto her?? I thought I knew this person but hearing her saw those things really upset me to the point where I'm not even sure if I'd like to maintain my friendship with her in the long run. I simply asked her for some time and she couldn't even give me that.

This "testing" in relationships can be a bit abusive. As it's usually to see how the other party will comply.

I'd be bothered by being dictated to about the speed of a relationship. This should be mutually agreed upon, some give and take. Fundamentally there needs to be clear communication from you both, not assumptions, not testing.