How would you choose to ghost?

[Kawhi]

Saw this topic somewhere else and thought it'd be an interesting one for the group here.

For the record, I am completely against ghosting as I think it's a very immature and inconsiderate way of handling things, but we know many people still do it. So if you do ghost, how would you choose to do it? Blocking someone? Leaving them unread? Leaving them on read?

Feel free to provide reasons here. But please DO NOT criticise anyone in this thread for ghosting, this thread is only to see what method people would choose to ghost.

[Starlight925]

D. None of the above. 
 

Unless the person is rude, inconsiderate, or otherwise disrespectful, then ghosting is incredibly immature.  

[Andrina]

I would block so I know longer have the intrusion of more messages coming in. It's good for closure.

[kim42]

I was hanging out with his guy earlier this year but then I discovered some things about him that I didn't like. I left his messages on read.

[Sindy_0311]

I wouldn't ghost... would just explain that I no longer what to keep in touch for XYZ reason wishing well. And then no longer open messages or archive them. if the guy is to persistent, then I block. There is no reason to ghost someone if you are someone balanced and in a healthy place.

Why this question? have you been ghosted? 

 

 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't ghost -to me that means someone I have an established interaction with over a period of time.  If someone sends me a message that is inappropriate or makes me uncomfortable and I do not know them well/have interacted very little and/or impersonally then I simply don't respond or respond with one word/let it fade out.  I'm not going to tell a stranger on FB who messages me that I'm offended etc because I don't know the person and am concerned about escalating a situation with a potentially unstable person.

OK here's an example -some may consider it ghosting.  I do not.  Woman on FB contacted me last winter.  We're in a moms group together. We chatted a bit.  She suggested meeting.  I said sure and gave some suggestions in general as to timing/potential dates.  Silence on her end.  For about 3 months.  3 months later - "hey do you want to meet this week for coffee??" Normally I would have been open to it and it was a really bad time -busy work/busy school then going out of town for 5 days  I replied "I can't this week.  We're back in town ____ and if you want to make plans for that week one morning in my neighborhood I can and unless there's a work emergency I'd love to meet."

No response.  10 days later when we were back I messaged one more time.  "Hi hope you're doing well, we're back and now I cannot meet this week but can meet after (date about a week later -this was right at end of school year and she had same situation). Just let me know what works for you"

Her response "no problem!"

OK so .... I did not follow up again.  Is that ghosting? Was I supposed to follow up -again -and say "ok school is over now I can meet ____ days!"  Here's the deal -if I really wanted to meet her badly -I would have.  I didn't want to meet her badly. I was happy she was so vague as it gave me an excuse to leave it be.  But is it ghosting? I said I would be available  - her response was noncomittal but on her end she can think "oh well she followed up last time so she should follow up again"

It's not always that clear.  I personally was glad to have an out -in my view her going silent for 3 months was only somewat ok with me so I didn't prioritize keeping in touch and making an actual plan.  I think it's similar in actual dating.

[Jibralta]

I'm more of a slow fade person, myself.

I don't use social media, so it's all phone for me. My phone is set to show "delivered" at most. It won't (or shouldn't!) confirm when I've read a message.

HOWEVER, to answer your question, I would probably do a combination of read and unread with sporadic responses. That's the slow fade technique. 

I'm generally not a hardline person. I've almost never done the 'no-contact' thing,either.

I bounce people away as necessary. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kawhi said:

 DO NOT criticise anyone in this thread for ghosting

It completely depends on the circumstances. No one is obligated to reply or continue texting anyone. For example if someone is almost spamming your inbox,it's probably best to just block.

I don't think read or unread are "ghosting" techniques. They're just phone status data. Just seems like they don't have the time or inclination to continue texting. 

If someone you're seeing or talking to suddenly disappears, it's hurtful, but what status their phone is on makes no difference in the end.  

Then there are the ones who are so attached to their phones and addicted to texting that they perceive not replying asap as "ghosting".  

So really depends on the circumstances as to how to discontinue texting.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add I've read texts, thought I responded and I didn't/forgot to send.  Same with friends of mine.

[Kwothe28]

Depending on a situation. If its somebody you met on dating site, I think not answering message is common practice. They are complete strangers at first so even though it can be dissapointing, its not a cardinal sin and nobody takes it hard. However if its somebody you got to know better either during texts or in person, its rude to just not answer. You can always say "Goodbye" and how you are just not right for each other so you chose to move on. 

[lostandhurt]

I vote none of the above too.

Stick a pin in it and take a few seconds to say nice meeting you but I didn't feel any sparks like I was hoping to.  Good luck on your search.

That simple.  No awkward scenes if you run into them again, just a simple few words.

Lost

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I vote none of the above too.

Stick a pin in it and take a few seconds to say nice meeting you but I didn't feel any sparks like I was hoping to.  Good luck on your search.

That simple.  No awkward scenes if you run into them again, just a simple few words.

Lost

^ Totally agree.  A little common courtesy goes a long way. Simple good manners is all it takes (imo).

[Cherylyn]

I've ghosted.  For my situation,  the other person wrote an uncalled for text comment which was intolerable and unbearable.  Instead of explaining myself,  I simply ghosted that person.  My message?  Don't bother me and that person got my message loud and clear.  It worked. 

Or, if the other person didn't treat me well,  if I have bad memories of them,  if a phone conversation or email went awry due to their lack of empathy,  then I ghost because I've lost all desire to communicate with them.  They're not worth it.  I have better things to do with my life than waste time and energy on people who don't know how to behave honorably. 

If a person dares to contact me and obviously didn't get my message the first time via ghosting,  then I block and delete. 

I only ghost in extreme cases.  In other cases,  if I know a person is mature and consistently very decent towards me,  then we'll have a respectful dialogue whether text or verbal. 

It really depends on the situation. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Totally agree.  A little common courtesy goes a long way. Simple good manners is all it takes (imo).

I did when it was safe to do so. It was not always safe to do so after a first meet or if we exchanged a few messages.  I was harassed numerous times when attempting to be courteous.  I had no issue with silence =lack of interest after a first or second date.

[Starlight925]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I vote none of the above too.

Stick a pin in it and take a few seconds to say nice meeting you but I didn't feel any sparks like I was hoping to.  Good luck on your search.

That simple.  No awkward scenes if you run into them again, just a simple few words.

Lost

^^^ So much this.

Unless the person has made rude or uncalled for remarks, a simple "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" is better than ghost.

I have received many replies to my "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" responses, all thanking me for my honesty and wishing me the very best.

I met one guy for a Saturday breakfast and walk around a local market.  I really liked him!  Later that day, he sent me a message telling me he didn't feel the special spark he was hoping for, and he threw in a few compliments to help ease (you're a beautiful woman, blah blah lol).  I thanked him for his honesty and wished him the very best.   Saved us both the awkwardness of possibly running into each other again, plus saved me from watching my phone for a call.  Easy peasy.

[Kawhi]

On 8/5/2023 at 11:29 PM, kim42 said:

I was hanging out with his guy earlier this year but then I discovered some things about him that I didn't like. I left his messages on read.

How many messages did he send or how many messages did you have to leave on read? Why not leave them on unread?

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I don't think read or unread are "ghosting" techniques. They're just phone status data. Just seems like they don't have the time or inclination to continue texting. 

If someone you're seeing or talking to suddenly disappears, it's hurtful, but what status their phone is on makes no difference in the end.  

I respectfully disagree. I think it conveys a recipient's intention. The recipient is either saying "I don't even care to see what you have to say" vs "I can see what you have to say but I'm not going to reply".

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

^^^ So much this.

Unless the person has made rude or uncalled for remarks, a simple "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" is better than ghost.

I have received many replies to my "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" responses, all thanking me for my honesty and wishing me the very best.

I met one guy for a Saturday breakfast and walk around a local market.  I really liked him!  Later that day, he sent me a message telling me he didn't feel the special spark he was hoping for, and he threw in a few compliments to help ease (you're a beautiful woman, blah blah lol).  I thanked him for his honesty and wished him the very best.   Saved us both the awkwardness of possibly running into each other again, plus saved me from watching my phone for a call.  Easy peasy.

I don't consider it ghosting if you've never met unless there is a time place plan to meet -then standing someone up is rude.  I had 2 dates with a guy who drove to see me -a distance -but my city had stuff going on and he liked coming in. He was too full on the second date and he was trying to pressure me into making a next date- I was noncommittal.  However I called him later that night -I said - I don't want to have you drive here again that distance - I had a nice time and I'm not feeling the right chemistry with you so I think it's best if we don't plan anything further. He thanked me profusely- how honest I was, how much he appreciated that I called.

The next morning starting at around 9am I received around 6 emails in a row over around an hour.  Each more angry.  I'd lead him on by talking to him on the phone a lot.  I'd lead him on in other ways (I don't think we even kissed -he might have put his arm around me).  I was a terrible person etc. 

I think I responded blandly like "I'm sorry you feel that way" - Email number was an apology email and could we still be friends.  I'm not sure if I responded -if I did it was "no I don't think that's a good idea."  Around an hour later my future husband called me asking if maybe we could do our catch up we'd emailed about that evening since he was suddenly free.  Why yes I could - i was delighted to have a plan with someone who definitely wouldn't ask me about my dating life or want to date me....

In hindsight I wish I'd told Harassing Guy some white lie when he called me again to make a plan.  No I wouldn't have not responded -if he called  - because he'd traveled to see me and planned a nice day - but this was not the first time I politely said 'thanks but no thanks" and was subjected to escalating contact (back then blocking was harder).  

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Kawhi said:

.The recipient is either saying "I don't even care to see what you have to say" vs "I can see what you have to say but I'm not going to reply".

I wasn't aware people are playing these passive aggressive games in order to send some type of cryptic message.  Perhaps using message statuses as a form of communication is communicating now? Seems rather silly when you can simply delete and block people. 

[Starlight925]

Your example, @Batya33, isn’t “ghosting”. 
 

It’s you showing self respect to a guy who exhibited rude behavior.   I would have blocked him!

To me, ghosting is when everything seems to be going well, communication is good, and you’re excited about what’s next.  And then….crickets.  
 

Not responding to someone who is rude, harassing, etc., is not “ghosting”. It’s putting up a boundary that says you won’t accept that behavior. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Starlight925 said:

Your example, @Batya33, isn’t “ghosting”. 
 

It’s you showing self respect to a guy who exhibited rude behavior.   I would have blocked him!

To me, ghosting is when everything seems to be going well, communication is good, and you’re excited about what’s next.  And then….crickets.  
 

Not responding to someone who is rude, harassing, etc., is not “ghosting”. It’s putting up a boundary that says you won’t accept that behavior. 

Back then it was much harder to block.  Particularly on landlines.  I didn't have a cell phone.  Yes ghosting to me is when you know someone fairly well and /or you have specific plans and then silence.  That is rude and uncalled for especially since sending a text is easy enough.

[Lambert]

I think it would be helpful to define ghosting.  Is it only when you are in an established relationship, and you quit answering them?  

How much do you really owe a person you only met on line?  only had a couple of phone calls? only went on a couple of dates?  

Is it ghosting if you stop replying and they never try to contact you either? 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think it would be helpful to define ghosting.  Is it only when you are in an established relationship, and you quit answering them?  

How much do you really owe a person you only met on line?  only had a couple of phone calls? only went on a couple of dates?  

Is it ghosting if you stop replying and they never try to contact you either? 

 

From an article written in the New York Times which I agree with.

>>Ghosting — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in the context of digital departure: a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover, but it happens across all social circumstances and it's tied to the way we view the world.<<

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Is it ghosting if you stop replying and they never try to contact you either? 

 

Ghosting is an older term. In ancient times when cellular phones didnt existed, it meant changing the city or adress without telling somebody so they cant contact you ever again. "Becoming a ghost". In newer times, yes, it includes stop replying and never try to contact. Just vanishing.

23 minutes ago, Lambert said:

How much do you really owe a person you only met on line?  only had a couple of phone calls? only went on a couple of dates?  

 

I raised that question above. For me just meeting somebody, for example on dating site, and not responding isnt ghosting. There are many instances where person doesnt respond to first message or you just exchange a few messages. For all intentive purposes, you are strangers so its inconsequental. After it develops and after phone calls or dates? Yes, not responding ever again is "ghosting". Because there is already at least some connection established. So it should be at least followed by "Goodbye" message.

[Lambert]

HI @Kwothe28 and @rainbowsandroses

Thanks for the explanations. 

Then yes.  By these standards I ghost people. 

1) I never answer them....

2) If they offended me in some way, I would block them. 

For the rando person I am just not interested in continuing, I simply stop.  I don't think talking on the phone a couple times, meeting for a cup of coffee or even dating occasionally warrants a breakup. I assume everyone is dating other people and if the dates stop, we're not dating.

It can seem a presumptuous to let them down easy, especially if they weren't interested in continuing either.  That has happened to me and it's almost laughable.  Sure they are trying to be considerate, and I am being considerate back by not laughing in their face that I don't care.  LOL.

However, if I were in a relationship with a person-- of course I would break up with them and wish them the best.  Or if a person asks me out directly, I will say flat out yes or no.  What I will stop doing is the idle go nowhere chit chat that seems to dominate a lot of on line dating these days. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

HI @Kwothe28 and @rainbowsandroses

Thanks for the explanations. 

Then yes.  By these standards I ghost people. 

1) I never answer them....

2) If they offended me in some way, I would block them. 

For the rando person I am just not interested in continuing, I simply stop.  I don't think talking on the phone a couple times, meeting for a cup of coffee or even dating occasionally warrants a breakup. I assume everyone is dating other people and if the dates stop, we're not dating.

It can seem a presumptuous to let them down easy, especially if they weren't interested in continuing either.  That has happened to me and it's almost laughable.  Sure they are trying to be considerate, and I am being considerate back by not laughing in their face that I don't care.  LOL.

However, if I were in a relationship with a person-- of course I would break up with them and wish them the best.  

Same here. And  - Hated those self-serving "polite" you are amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship"