Do clothes cause problems in a relationship?

[Honeybeans]

Hi what is everyone’s opinion on their partners clothes. Mine doesn’t like it, I recently showed him outfits that I thought looked really cute but all he seems to think about is that I wouldn’t be with him since we are long distance and that I would be getting attention from other guys. I don’t generally appear feminine in my opinion so these outfits were a change of pace and I personally liked them. We ended up in an argument I got incredibly sad and it just made me wonder do other people have this issue and if I’m the one overreacting. (I’m simplifying it down significantly but it’s okay you get the gist I hope)

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Do clothes cause problems in a relationship?

Yes if partner is jealous and possesive. Which yours is since he got mad at you because of it.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Honeybeans said:

 I wouldn’t be with him since we are long distance and that I would be getting attention from other guys. 

Have you met in person? How long have you been talking? Wear whatever you like. You don't really need his opinion or approval on what to wear.

[Honeybeans]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? How long have you been talking? Wear whatever you like. You don't really need his opinion or approval on what to wear.

We have met in person we’ve been together for maybe half a year now or just a little less. I think rather than approval I kinda got it in my head that when you get a significant other you’d a lot of attention and compliments from them especially if you’re excited over something. Idk maybe that is me seeking his approval?

[Batya33]

I think he is trying to control what you wear because he is insecure and has this bizarre notion that if you wear more feminine clothes you'll get more attention from men -and that then you will be disloyal to him.  Yes a woman dressed in flattering, feminine or sexy clothes might get more attention from men.  Those men who enjoy noticing an attractive woman and think it's appropriate to approach a woman they don't know to flirt/pay her a compliment about her looks.  The thing is the woman then has the choice as to how to react and if she is committed to someone or married she will react appropriately and not in a way that would be disloyal to her partner. 

Just because a woman gets more attention from men for whatever reason does not mean she will be disloyal. Your boyfriend is insecure and doesn't trust you to react appropriately so he wants to try to control how you appear in public.  It's not about clothes but about control.  It's not a healthy way to interact IMO.  

[Honeybeans]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think he is trying to control what you wear because he is insecure and has this bizarre notion that if you wear more feminine clothes you'll get more attention from men -and that then you will be disloyal to him.  Yes a woman dressed in flattering, feminine or sexy clothes might get more attention from men.  Those men who enjoy noticing an attractive woman and think it's appropriate to approach a woman they don't know to flirt/pay her a compliment about her looks.  The thing is the woman then has the choice as to how to react and if she is committed to someone or married she will react appropriately and not in a way that would be disloyal to her partner. 

Just because a woman gets more attention from men for whatever reason does not mean she will be disloyal. Your boyfriend is insecure and doesn't trust you to react appropriately so he wants to try to control how you appear in public.  It's not about clothes but about control.  It's not a healthy way to interact IMO.  

I talked to him about it and said well I would only care and want his attention and told him I would never be disloyal to him. I’ll make sure to talk to him again about this topic because I don’t dress for attention but for myself and most of the time I don’t think he understands that. It’s incredibly weird and honestly hurtful because my family seems to have a problem when I wear ‘boyish’ clothes now my boyfriend has a problem with my more ‘womanly’ clothes so that left me wondering well what should I even wear, lowers my confidence, and cause panic attacks (in extreme cases) when I do wear more feminine clothes in public it’s very hectic I would say.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Honeybeans said:

I talked to him about it and said well I would only care and want his attention and told him I would never be disloyal to him. I’ll make sure to talk to him again about this topic because I don’t dress for attention but for myself and most of the time I don’t think he understands that. It’s incredibly weird and honestly hurtful because my family seems to have a problem when I wear ‘boyish’ clothes now my boyfriend has a problem with my more ‘womanly’ clothes so that left me wondering well what should I even wear, lowers my confidence, and cause panic attacks (in extreme cases) when I do wear more feminine clothes in public it’s very hectic I would say.

I wouldn't treat him like he doesn't know.  He knows.  And it's fine if you enjoy attention from others - I do -I like if someone I know male or female compliments me on my looks, hairstyle, or "you look great!"  - I'm married -why can't I enjoy attention? Last time I checked I didn't promise to only want my husband's attention -I promised not to act on that attention by pursuing that person for a date or sex or whatever.  And I don't.  

Please don't lower yourself and "explain" that you dress only for yourself.  Is it really true -if your female friend complimented your outfit you wouldn't enjoy that?  Part of the reason you want to look nice is it makes you feel good in public - you like feeling comfortable and feeling attractive when you interact with people yes? That's normal.  

Simply tell him generally "either you trust me or you don't" -I am my own person and I'm going to choose what I wear and if I want your input I'll let you know, K?"

The panic attacks don't seem normal to me -how much are you allowing your family to influence you? I mean if you say you dress for yourself- why do you care what they think?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Honeybeans said:

 left me wondering well what should I even wear, lowers my confidence, and cause panic attacks when I do wear more feminine clothes in public it’s very hectic.

Unfortunately it seems like you sent him pics of outfits hoping you would hear how sexy and cute you would look in them.

However a long distance BF should not be your fashion consultant. Go shopping with friends and family and choose what you like and what looks good on you. 

 If you have panic attacks in public that's completely different than whatever clothing you wear. That's a medical problem you need to see a physician for.

[Andrina]

As Maya Angelou said: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

A guy like him will, and already is, making your life miserable. Believe me, when you go out with him in public, instead of thoroughly enjoying your company, he will be scanning the area for other guys, seeing if they are ogling you so he can give them dirty looks and ward off what he considers his property.

A mentally healthy guy chooses a woman he can trust to handle any situation with integrity, and will cut women loose if they don't act ethically. That's a far cry from a mentally unhealthy guy lives his life worried about a woman being a helpless sheep surrounded by a pack of wolves.

You need to work on your self-esteem/self-love. It's the reason you attracted, and were attracted to, toxicity. It's all you think you deserve. He's a predator and sees you'll put up with his mental abuse. Prove him wrong. Discussions won't work with people like him. That mentality is ingrained and he'd need counseling to overcome it. Time to bring the garbage to the sidewalk.

[smackie9]

Tell him that his disapproval lowers your self esteem and that's wrong and hurtful. You tell him you dress for yourself, it makes you feel good about yourself and that he needs to work on his own confidence. You can't stop guys from noticing you. Even if you wear a sack, guys will still notice you. This is something he nor you have any control over. 

[Cherylyn]

I have different schools of thoughts on this so I'll go against the grain here. 

If your clothes are an issue,  perhaps it's not the clothes.  It's him and how he refuses to accept you as you are.  Love doesn't conquer all.  It sounds like both of you are incompatible if clothes stand in the way of the relationship even if it is long distance. 

Some people don't care what their partner or spouse wears whether it's make up,  hair length or style,  clothing,  etc. 

Then there are some people such as myself,  my husband and sons who tend to be more conservative but we're no squares by any stretch of the imagination whatsoever.  When I say, "conservative,"  I refer to tasteful,  understated elegance,  chic clothes or hairstyles,  very clean overall appearance from head to toe.  Granted,  we're not wearing tuxedos and ballgowns to garage sales (not that we shop there ~ no opinion on that) but we prefer a neat overall appearance without drawing unwanted attention to ourselves. 

My husband and sons have a normal appearance as do I.  I do not wear heavy makeup,  skin tight clothing,  plunging necklines,  gaudy jewelry,  revealing clothing with my butt cheeks exposed,  don't have tattoos nor body piercings. 

Having said that I've met GREAT people who have all sorts of appearances and lifestyles.  They possess the highest integrity and treated me extremely well with utmost respect.  I'm just telling you how my immediate family and I are.  To each his or her own. 

Unfortunately,  for many in society,  how you look is perceived and judged.  Not that it's fair but it's just the way it is.  For example for women in particular,  if they're tomboyish,  then some people make assumptions.  If women wear heavy makeup and dress as if they're ready to stand on a street corner,  again,  these types of women will receive harsher harassment and judgements.  Not that it's right but it happens.  If a guy looks weird or odd or clownish,  it's distracting and he won't be taken seriously. 

In my life,  I've encountered strange looking or unconventional people but they were very kind to me.  I try to look past outward appearance and appreciate their goodwill and kindness instead. 

As for you,  be with a guy who appreciates who you are and not your appearance and same with you.  This way, appearance will be a non-issue.  Also,  it's more practical to date a guy who is local as opposed to long distance.  Hope it works out for you.  🙂

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Honeybeans said:

Do clothes cause problems in a relationship?

No not really. Problem relationships cause issues with clothes.

[Batya33]

I agree with Cherylyn that I wouldn’t have wanted to date a man who dressed in a really flamboyant way or had piercings or tattoos etc BUT I wouldn’t have asked him to change. I simply wouldn’t have dated him in the first place. Sure when I was a teenager I had friends who adopted certain new styles. Like purple hair (I did for awhile - temporary!) or dressing goth or only in thrift store clothes but as an adult the men I dated had similar backgrounds to me. They weren’t likely to all of a sudden go to some clothing extreme. And neither was I.
But yes I would have caused a problem for myself if I dated a man I wasn’t comfortable with as far as how he presented himself and assumed he’d change for me.
 

That would have been wrong on my part.

I realize the OP now wants to dress more feminine. I don’t see that as extreme at all even if her prior choices were less so or “tomboyish “.  so I see this as different from someone making a dramatic change in appearance. 

[waffle]

15 hours ago, Honeybeans said:

Hi what is everyone’s opinion on their partners clothes. Mine doesn’t like it, I recently showed him outfits that I thought looked really cute but all he seems to think about is that I wouldn’t be with him since we are long distance and that I would be getting attention from other guys . . . 

Depends on what they look like.  I don't know what "cute" means in this context.  Are they revealing?  I can see why a guy might not want his GF parading around half naked while he's not around.  Why the sudden change in clothing style preference?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Honeybeans said:

 I personally liked them. 

Please talk to trusted adults about dating and dating red flags. A BF should never be picking out your clothes or telling you what to wear. Possessiveness and controlling behavior is not flattering or cute or an indication of respect. Is this the same boy?:

 

[catfeeder]

Wow. How did you ever make it this far on your own, without this guy policing what you wear?

I'm sorry to tell you that this kind of control doesn't get better, it gets worse, and it tends to escalate.

Consider finding someone local who you can enjoy being yourself with.

[shouldhavelearned]

Anything can cause a problem

 

With ldr

Trust and communication 

[Cherylyn]

My style of dress is feminine.  I have my comfy house clothes albeit not frumpy and then I have my feminine public clothes.  I'm very picky about what I wear.  My choice in apparel is strictly my preference and not my husband's nor sons.  I wear what I want.  It's chic and I emphasize in understated elegance reminiscent of my mother's taste.   Fortunately,  my husband approves. 👍 👌 😊 I doubt anyone notices me in public though.  I just carry myself a certain way and it's what I'm comfortable with. 

If I were tomboyish or more plain,  my husband would be fine with it.  I don't dress for his approval.  I dress for my approval.  No matter what I wear,  it's modest.  Fortunately,  for my sake,  my style of clothing,  hair,  makeup (natural-looking),  shoes,  handbags,  accessories,  fine jewelry (on occasion) were selected carefully.   I've always been this way so no startling revelation there.  It's simply my habit.  It's never been an issue in my marriage and shouldn't be an issue in your relationship either. 

Both sides should be compatible otherwise it won't work. 

[Monsoo]

Actually my dear it is not just "clothes" problem. It's a problem with mentality and insecurity which doesn't remain limited to clothes. It surfaced in a discussion about clothes by chance for now. It will resurface in something else soon, mark my words. You've just been with him 6 months or less, he has started opening up now. There will be several similar arguments down the road. I'm sorry to sound so negative but the sooner you walk away from him the better. Or you can try your best to make him understand the boundaries, what you'd allow and what you won't. And if he disagrees he can make his decision. Otherwise you'll be sad and heartbroken from time to time like this.

[Andrina]

So, Honeybeans, what do think of all the advice given, and what is your plan of action?