Wife had a baby 1 month ago, has an Ashley Madison profile

[JFCGTR74]

Wife and I have been married for 1 year, been together for 5. We've always had some struggles because she has mild anxiety & mood disorders. She will say some of the most vile things in an argument, and her closest friends & family concur with my experiences. Still, unlike a lot of couples with problems, sex and/or intimacy is definitely not one of them. We've always had a very healthy, very frequent sex life. Lots of physical affection both ways, as well.

Lately she's been particularly awful to me, like more than usual. Found out she has postpartum depression, so I've chalked it up mostly to that. But even though I'm definitely not a nosy or jealous type, my gut told me to check her devices recently and my intuition was correct.

Found that she created an Ashley Madison profile within the last month (since the baby was born) and has several active chat threads going. All of the guys are in our immediate vicinity.

She hasn't sent any explicit pictures (yet) and her conversations have been mostly innocuous like 'Hey,' 'How's your day going?' etc etc

However, we all know what the express intent is for that website: to have an affair. I have spoken to a therapist I see and she suggested not saying anything to her yet and let her assume I don't know. I've been taking pictures of her conversations to 'save the receipts' in case our marriage goes south. But I logged into her desktop computer just a bit ago and discovered she was talking to someone just this morning while *I was asleep in the bed next to her.* 

I'm furious, as you might imagine., But I'm trying to keep my cool and not say anything.... it's really difficult. I'm interested in what the community here thinks. Confront her with it, or keep it cool for now? Thanks 

[Lambert]

Since she doesn't know that you know, I would use this as an opportunity to figure out what you want. 

Do you want this marriage to work? Is this a deal breaker for you? 

 

[MissCanuck]

I would speak to a lawyer as well.

You don't have to initiate a separation, but I would at least find out what your options are in the event you want to split. You also need to get informed about whether or not capturing these private chats on her devices could work for or against you in a legal context. Decide then if you can or should continue to observe before confronting her. 

Understand that your marriage is way off the rails, in any case. 

13 minutes ago, JFCGTR74 said:

Lately she's been particularly awful to me, like more than usual

For example? What has been going on? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Yes, lawyer up to be prepared and find out what you need for evidence.

How did you know to check this particular website?

[Kwothe28]

In case your marriage goes south? She already tries to cheat you left and right. I would say it has already gone south. Lawyer up and collect the evidence. You would need it in the divorce process.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JFCGTR74 said:

 I have spoken to a therapist I see and she suggested not saying anything to her yet and let her assume I don't know. I've been taking pictures of her conversations to 'save the receipts' in case our marriage goes south. 

Sorry this is happening. I disagree with your therapist. Playing private investigator and rifling through her devices is pointless. So is gathering "evidence", since you can divorce without it. All this tells you is your marriage is even more on the rocks than before.

You need to confront this head-on. So far it seems she's lonely and seeking attention and going about it in a destructive fashion. 

.The more pressing situation is her mental health and mood swings, and that you two have a 5 mo old infant.

Playing cat and mouse games isn't going to get you anywhere. Do you want to improve your marriage? Or are you fed up enough with the moods and bizarre behavior to dissolve the marriage?

What you can do is suggest marriage therapy because whether you divorce or not, you're going to have to get along enough to coparent. 

[JFCGTR74]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Yes, lawyer up to be prepared and find out what you need for evidence.

How did you know to check this particular website?

Her browser history, and (thankfully for me) she had her login & password on auto-save. Pretty careless, to be honest 

[JFCGTR74]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. I disagree with your therapist. Playing private investigator and rifling through her devices is pointless. So is gathering "evidence", since you can divorce without it. All this tells you is your marriage is even more on the rocks than before.

You need to confront this head-on. So far it seems she's lonely and seeking attention and going about it in a destructive fashion. 

.The more pressing situation is her mental health and mood swings, and that you two have a 5 mo old infant.

Playing cat and mouse games isn't going to get you anywhere. Do you want to improve your marriage? Or are you fed up enough with the moods and bizarre behavior to dissolve the marriage?

What you can do is suggest marriage therapy because whether you divorce or not, you're going to have to get along enough to coparent. 

Thank you for this. I'm not sure what I want to do at this point... I hadn't planned on a divorce for sure, but this behavior is alarming enough that I seriously need to do some thinking. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Cya

Some messed up stuff happening these days 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, JFCGTR74 said:

been married for 1 year, been together for 5. We've always had some struggles because she has mild anxiety & mood disorders. She will say some of the most vile things in an argument, and her closest friends & family concur with my experiences. Still, unlike a lot of couples with problems, sex and/or intimacy is definitely not one of them. We've always had a very healthy, very frequent sex life. Lots of physical affection both ways, as well.

Lately she's been particularly awful to me, like more than usual. Found out she has postpartum depression, so I've chalked it up mostly to that

So you assume? 

Hey, if she is this nasty & challenging, why would you continue to tolerate it? And go so far as to marry her?  ( I know, cause ya love her.. and you're emotionally invested etc.).

But, there comes a time when we NEED to actually take care of ourselves!  Which means we will NOT tolerate being mentally or emotionally abused. It'll come to the point she's broken you down so much, you'll feel so belittled and crappy 😞 .

And as for sex, that's the easy part. It is a normal part & enjoyment within any relationship and they can still continue to treat you badly.  

Has she ever been properly diagnosed?  Does she go in circles with her behaviour ( anger to over loving again kinda thing), Or is she pretty much like this anytime?

As mentioned, this has all pretty much gone south.... agree?  Then yeah, you're doing the right thing with recording the proof.  She's looking to cheat in this 'marriage'.  And also, as mentioned- why keep waiting?  For what?  As all this is gonna do is continue to manifest inside YOU.

If or when you do approach her, as Im sure you're feeling some anxiety , Plan ahead.  maybe write out all you plan to say, when you approach her.  I find that often helps.. otherwise, I go blank and nothing comes out 😕 .

And also if you plan on doing all of this.. look for a place of your own - do you own?  And look into a lawyer, seek out legal advice. Child support, visitation, etc.

 

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, JFCGTR74 said:

Confront her with it, or keep it cool for now?

None of us can tell you what you 'should' want. Speaking only for myself, the mistreatment alone would be something I wouldn't tolerate.

[Jaunty]

I don't understand why you're being advised by your therapist and people here to keep track of her Internet activities.  What good is that going to do?  Aren't all western countries generally "no fault" divorce? 

You don't need more evidence, you know what she's up to.  You also know how she treats you and how you feel.  

Do you want to be married to her anymore?  If you do, I think you need to go to marriage counseling and get some strong boundaries in place.  

If you've had enough - you know what to do.

[Coily]

Here is why evidence is important: Alimony, custody, and division of assets. The divorce itself is simple, but if/when things get nasty and she starts slinging mud on your name and reputation you need ammo for the fight and to protect yourself when her sleazy lawyer tries to rob you blind in court. Every lawyer I know suggests that you do this, everyone I know who has been through a messy divorce comments on this helping them in the settlement.

 

[Jaunty]

46 minutes ago, Coily said:

Here is why evidence is important: Alimony, custody, and division of assets. 

 

Interesting.  I have 2 close associates, both in my age range (old), and financially successful, who had affairs with younger women than their wives.  Ultimately ended up divorced due to the affairs, and their ex wives got nothing extra in the settlements because of the circumstances surrounding the divorce.  In one case the wife really got screwed.

In my experience it's usually the person who can afford the best lawyer who comes out ahead.  

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Interesting.  I have 2 close associates, both in my age range (old), and financially successful, who had affairs with younger women than their wives.  Ultimately ended up divorced due to the affairs, and their ex wives got nothing extra in the settlements because of the circumstances surrounding the divorce.  In one case the wife really got screwed.

In my experience it's usually the person who can afford the best lawyer who comes out ahead.  

Different experiences, from different friends.

One friend lost custody of his son for a year as his ex fabricated evidence, and he couldn't afford a competent lawyer. That's a point to your argument. Thought when this guy was able to document some emails the ex accidentally sent to him of some, shall we say questionable activity the new lawyer was able to use this to change the custody and alimony arrangements.

Different friend, she was able to get evidence of not only her ex's affairs, he was also hiding assets from the household during arbitration. She didn't want the money, but her daughter was able to have a medical savings account set up.

Lawyer friend, when we were talking about the arbitration side of divorce; she said everything that sheds light on how the relationship ended is useful for negotiation. While it's not a slam dunk, it does make it easier to have if there is some leverage. Sometimes the arbitrator will throw it all out too.

The bigger point, is if this or any OP can walk into a divorce procedure and nor feel like they are going to get screwed with something in their back pocket, it's not a bad thing. Now, I don't recommend digging too much, but if it's out in the open it's fair game.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Best attorney wins

[Don_]

I can tell you with absolute certainty that computer evidence matters. I happened upon computer initiated infidelity too. Made like I didn’t know, so I hooked up and analog recorded everything she did online in real time for 2 months. Chats, IM’s, email, plans to hookup, everything. When I confronted her with it all, I showed her what I had, with divorce papers all signed by me waiting for her signature. She went to a lawyer and came back with the papers signed, she really had no defense and moved out the next day. So if that’s a possibility for you then I think your therapist is correct.

[tattoobunnie]

On 7/4/2023 at 12:24 AM, Jaunty said:

Aren't all western countries generally "no fault" divorce? 

He can use evidence to gain full custody of the child and the house.  They can portray it as instead of caring for the child, she was using her time to contact strangers to bed them.  Attorneys with the big d*ck energy makes a huge difference.

[lostandhurt]

So back to your problem.

 Is she seeing a therapist for her depression?  Has her doctor prescribed anything?

I totally agree you should keep your mouth shut and get as much evidence as possible.  This isn't a criminal case here but this type of evidence is great leverage if it comes to divorce.

In my case my wife was scared to death that her mother, family and small community not to mention our son would find out she was cheating along with all the sorted details.  I often play the long game in confrontations so I look for the final move, not the easy one. I kept all my investments, all of my retirement, worked out custody so I saw my son 6 days a week and kept the house after getting a very favorably low appraisal and just paid her half of the equity.

Let me put it this way:  It won't hurt to get more evidence and there is no need for a lawyer yet.

She may be looking for validation after the babies birth, she may think she needs reassurance she is still attractive to other men.  As of right now she is doing some seriously sketchy stuff so keep an eye on it and see if it goes any further before you show all your cards.

 Lost