Nervous for a date

[NighttimeNightmare]

21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I presented myself to this guy as me. I was myself.

What does this mean? Do you tend to misrepresent yourself when you’re being social?

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We have very similar values and future goals. 

For certain things, like wanting a family. But the values aren’t there when it comes to how you’d like to be treated and how he actually treats you 

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I hate it. I feel like he's going about living his life and I'm not. And that maybe I'm part of the issue. 

Yes and no. Yes in that it would benefit you to develop your own social life independently of anyone you date so that you’re fulfilled and less likely to wait hand and foot on someone. Then, you’d be less likely to be in relationships with men who are ok letting you wait hand and foot for them. 
 

but no in the sense that you are not the cause of any traits he came prestocked with. 
 

25 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

But at the same time, one of my friends last night told me that if I was with a good guy, he wouldn't make me feel this way. That it's him that's pushing this for me to have my reactions. Maybe she's right

Ehhh.  He’s not a good candidate for a partner and anyone would feel slighted by the way he’s acting. However, the key in all of this is that you’re ultimately responsible for taking control of your own life.  You have the power to choose who you let around you, and thus how people treat you. He’s in control of how he chooses to treat the people in his life, you can’t control that.  …. You control the outcome of your life and happiness by removing people who you feel poorly around, and cultivating a life with people who treat you the way you need. 
 

28 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I'm way overthinking on how to get this to be more,be better, does he like me, doesn't he? Instead of just naturally letting it progress

Again, you’re putting the blame on yourself for his behavior.  It’s already naturally progressing and you’re not enjoying what that actually looks like.  You are dissatisfied and you want to be in control of it all so you can change it for the better

hes shown you who he is, you can’t control him. You control the outcome by removing certain playing pieces from your game board. That playing piece is him and people who share in his trait set. That’s your power. And that is the only thing you can actually control 

[NighttimeNightmare]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's exactly what is happening. It's fine to have fun and like him but you're revolving your life around him like a future husband. 

Your life is your responsibility, not his. It's your option to go out and meet other men and have a life.

 

Yup but an added side note here would be to not read this comment and think that it means you’re interpreting your “boyfriends” behavior poorly because you aren’t distracted enough with your own things 

 

let it be known, whether you have a life or not, his behavior is abhorrent. 
 

but your responsibility in this is to cultivate a life for yourself and make better choices in partners

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I see myself becoming not myself. I'm not as funny, or light, or confident. I feel eager, questioning, clingy. That I no longer have an opinion or a say. He'll ask me things and I just say nothing or I don't know. I'm becoming shy and nervous. 

What this^ tells me Alex is that you're not comfortable in your own skin. If you were, you wouldn't be feeling this way. 

I disagree with your friend, it's not about him (or any man) it's about you and how you feel about yourself, deep down. 

Before anyone beats me up about this, please know I'm not about shaming or causing you to feel badly.

But you mentioned in another thread you were a bit overweight and trying to lose.

Does this have any bearing on why you feel as you do?  That somehow he's judging you and you don't feel "good enough" for him?

Please know you ARE good enough and you do NOT need his or any man's approval.

This may surprise you but I used to be extremely nervous and shy.  I would barely speak at times even while out with good friends!

I also developed a serious eating disorder that nearly killed me - anorexia.

This drove me into therapy and making some serious internal changes.  I actually began forcing myself to go out and interact with people and seek out new experiences which were quite uncomfortable for me at first.

But I received a lot of positive feedback and slowly I began feeling more comfortable with myself, less anxious, nervous and shy. 

With everyone, including men I met and REALLY liked.

I also starting gaining weight and feeling good about it!!

In short, I started liking/loving myself and becoming whole and complete on my own whether there was a man (romantically) in my life or not. 

Once this happened, my taste in men changed too. 

I started becoming attracted to nice good guys who treated me well, who never or rarely left me guessing or sent mixed messages.

If they did, it was NEXT.

Remember change starts with YOU including how comfortable you feel within yourself, the men you choose to date and how you feel you deserve to be treated.

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

most of the time he's on your couch watching TV.  Do you pay for groceries and cook him dinner?  Or does he bring groceries or pay for takeout food?

 

[Alex39]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

No, I only cooked him dinner one time for his birthday. He pays for takeout or we go out and he pays. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I only cooked him dinner one time for his birthday. He pays for takeout or we go out and he pays. 

That's fine however that's not really the issue. The issue is he doesn't spend time with you and used the "broke" excuse to explain it. You played this aspect up quite a bit.

Because even though he has money for other things it was perhaps preferable or more palatable to assume the lack of dates and chronic cancellations were due finances.

Unfortunately you already know they weren't because he cancelled the second date you invited him to your house for dinner. To go to a party he supposedly forgot about. 

So you were telling yourself and others the only reason he won't take you out and flakes a lot was purely due to finances.  Because that's easier to digest. 

[Alex39]

I think too, he was so busy this week, distracted by other stuff. He's stopped asking me questions. He stopped trying to get to know me. 

Yesterday he was talking all about his past and I asked questions and made comments. But he didnt ask me that much about mine. And didn't reciprocate the asking. 

I'm super happy and upbeat and when he calls I'm like how was your day? Tell me about this and that. 

I think it's been a combination of him not asking as much, his brain is all over with stuff he has to do and so the growth together has faltered a bit, and me being self conscious and when he does ask, I'm like oh nothing great or I don't know. I dont have a point of view. I'm nervous. I down play my life. Which I shouldn't. Last night I grabbed a drink with a friend and it was fun. I did tell him about it. He was curious who I was out with. 

But I don't think he's asking as much to get to know me or my past. Which he used to do more. 

But I will say, last night he was all about talking about him. He barely asked about me. But he was happy and excited. 

 

Also, want to add that I am not making this as an excuse. He should be continually trying to get to know me more and asking about me. It's on him. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 when he calls I'm like how was your day? Tell me about this and that. 

Please stop doing this. It's mothering and smothering. Please don't try to recreate black and white TV show scripts like this with "how was your day dear?" when the husband walks through the door. 

Please be yourself. He doesn't have to ask you questions. You can simply be yourself and talk about things. 

He certainly has issues with self centeredness but you need to own this happy housewife rehearsal routine. This won't work with any guy. 

[Batya33]

So here’s a thing. When there was a camping trip planned he said his family wasn’t paying for groceries and he couldn’t pay so you were to pay. Yet his mom gave him $$ for clothes for a cruise. But- then - paying his own way including food for a family camping trip. Again it’s not adding up. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When there was a camping trip planned he said his family wasn’t paying for groceries and he couldn’t pay so you were to pay.

Thought she said she agreed to pay for him and her only, nothing to do with him not having money, rather to balance it out because he was going to pay for “their shelter”

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Thought she said she agreed to pay for him and her only, nothing to do with him not having money, rather to balance it out because he was going to pay for “their shelter”

Which as I wrote made no sense. He could reuse or resell his “shelter”. 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Yes its the same ones they set up for ppl who work on cruise ships. 

I think its a cruise with family. But cruises are good way for people to go the clubs and get wasted. I'm not sure I would like partying all night and coming back to my bed with my parents next to me. I don't know. I just don't find that fun for anyone in their 20s or 30s.

when I was in my early 20's, in the dark ages, I went to a Club Med  in Mexico (old people will know what that is) with my mother, and we shared a room.   Naturally I met a group of partying 20 somethings and spent very little time in that room with my mom.  Definitely stayed out of there the time I took X with the party friends. 

[Jaunty]

Alex.  You are lying to yourself.  Just stop all the self talk for a while.  Go with the facts.   The facts are 100% clear.   He is not that into you.  He has offered you NOTHING besides some low level, intermittent companionship,  a period of "all day every day" texting meaningless things, and basic "niceness."  

And then, there are his personal issues.

We are not even talking about you and your own personal issues.  

This man is NOT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL for you and nothing on earth is going to change that anytime soon.   

The very least you need to start out with is a high level of interest. HIGH LEVEL.   It's not there.  

[MissCanuck]

You’re  going to be crushed when you eventually realize that, to him, you are Miss Right Now - not Miss Right. 

[shouldhavelearned]

This is completely bonkers

[Alex39]

He has a strange relationship with this new friend of his. 

He has his one friend from childhood. Guy is married, with kids. He'll meet for a drink or two, but he goes home to his wife. Guy seems nice, normal, and supportive. 

He has this new friend. He met through work. Been friends for less than a year. He lives like a bachelor.  Always wants to go out and drink with my guy, stays out late with him. Is constantly buying him concert tickets, drinks, dinners. I think it's weird. I even joked to my guy how his friend is like his boyfriend. 

He even told me how last night he tried to throw him $100 to enjoy on his trip. What 30 year old guy is doing that for another guy? 

He told me this guy has a girl, but they are more like FWB and not his girlfriend. 

I just don't know if this guy is the best influence.  But I haven't met him. But he sounds like an immature bachelor who is weirdly reeling in my guy to be his friend. I think you are who you surround yourself with. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 he sounds like an immature bachelor who is weirdly reeling in my guy to be his friend.

Your guy is driving it. He's the immature bachelor. Birds of a feather.

You can't pick his friends and hope he changes. You like to hang out with married people because you want to be married too.

However your guy is free and single and enjoying his life.  While you're sitting home alone browsing through bride magazines making judgements .

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I even joked to my guy how his friend is like his boyfriend. . 

Maybe he is. 

[boltnrun]

That friend of his isn't forcing him to hang out with him and stay out until 2:00 am drinking, resulting in him cancelling on you and having health issues from excessive drinking. He hangs out with him because he has fun. 

Everything that's wrong in this involvement is someone else's fault, according to you. If that were true that means he has no backbone and is unable to say no or make his own decisions . But it's not true. He is doing exactly what he wants.

I have no idea what you want, but I suspect you just want to be able to say you have a boyfriend. For however long this thing lasts. 

What would be more embarrassing to you, a breakup a few weeks from now, or explaining to your mom and friends that this guy turned out to be the wrong one for you and cutting your losses now?

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 

He told me this guy has a girl, but they are more like FWB and not his girlfriend. 

I just don't know if this guy is the best influence.  But I haven't met him. But he sounds like an immature bachelor who is weirdly reeling in my guy to be his friend. I think you are who you surround yourself with. 

They sound like the perfect fit for friends, at this time in both their lives.  Your guy is  obviously living his "bachelor dreams" now that he's on the other side of his divorce and prior long relationship.   It's appropriate.  The thing that's not appropriate is that he made a commitment to be exclusive with a woman he just met.

Sorry to be blunt, but your relationship is more like FWB too, except mostly without the sexual part.  

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

No, I only cooked him dinner one time for his birthday. He pays for takeout or we go out and he pays. 

I thought he took you to diner at his birthday, this is what you said in a previous post 

[MrMan1983]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh the irony.... 

Anyway, I'm curious why you created this thread? 

I ask this because this thread is now 88 pages long. Must be some sort of record.

You talked about first meeting this man back on page 4 - 84 pages ago!

Yet it appears you have learned nothing from our postings, done no self-reflection or introspection and in the exact same frame of mind you were when you first mentioned him, again 84 pages ago.

Yes it's obvious this man is NOT into you and you WILL get your heart broken, there is no doubt about that.

But more importantly imo are your own issues which you would be wise to acknowledge and address. 

I (and clearly many others who have contributed) have tried to help you see the reality of the situation to no avail which is sad and disheartening as you seem like a lovely person.

Might I suggest this thread be moved to the journal section where you can continue blogging about him and his friends (boyfriend?)?

Just a thought. 

Take care Alex. 

 

 

Agreed, I said this above nothing is going to change and you lot are wasting your time or just passing time (which is fair enough, something to do I guess) but as for helping OP you’ve all already said everything possible and she’s not going to do anything about it and hasn’t followed any advice for 82 pages.

Bottom line is that she’ll tolerate absolutely whatever because till she does something to increase her confidence so that she has standards to meet the kind of guy she likes this won’t change. Agree about the 19 stone thing she mentioned too surely getting health under control should be a big priority and would in turn help with self esteem/self image too, maybe that is being addressed though although sofa and fast food can’t be helping. Honestly not trying to sound mean there though.

Anyway can lead a horse to water but can’t force it to drink.

Might as well move this to journal page. 

[MrMan1983]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Might I suggest this thread be moved to the journal section where you can continue blogging about him and his friends (boyfriend?)?

Would probably make sense at this point. 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

when I was in my early 20's, in the dark ages, I went to a Club Med  in Mexico (old people will know what that is) with my mother, and we shared a room.   Naturally I met a group of partying 20 somethings and spent very little time in that room with my mom.  Definitely stayed out of there the time I took X with the party friends. 

Similarly, when my sister and I were 16 and 17 years old, we went on a 2- or 3-night "cruise to nowhere" with our mom and shared one of those tiny inside cabins with her. I think it was literally just bunkbeds with drawers built into them. I don't think there was even furniture. Naturally, my sister and I stayed out til all hours of the night. We just used the cabin to change clothes and sleep.

But, again, we were kids not 30-somethings.

[kamurj]

Topic has run its course, closed.