Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

I read a great article awhile back that discussed when a woman (or man) chooses to remain with an 'unavailable' partner or a partner who's not all in OR into them, they themselves are unavailable.

Like attracts like.

Alex, you may not be consciously aware of your own unavailability or commitment issues however think about it, I may have even asked you before. 

IF a healthy loving committed relationship is truly what you want, then what the HECK are you still doing with him? 

Women actually seeking a healthy loving mutually-rewarding committed relationship would NOT last two seconds with a man like him! 

Why do you?   I hope you will answer that.

I mean you're 31, beautiful, sweet, intelligent educated and accomplished.

I have no doubt there are many good high quality men seeking a healthy committed relationship who would love to date you.

Yet your pattern has been chasing losers and attempting to "get" them to commit or to fix them.  Which never happens leaving you heartbroken just as this man will.

Why do you think that is?  Is it some sort of challenge for you?  What? 

Please think about it.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 he drives to me and doesn't make me do it

he seems more invested in his friends than our relationship.  he isn't super into having sex. he doesn't include me or introduce me to his friends. he cancels and reschedules on me

Unfortunately you got complacent. Instead of using these few weeks to determine a good fit you went straight to BF mode. 

You can still hang out with him if you want but since he doesn't even want sex what is the point of being exclusive? You don't even need to tell him you're dating others. Just go out and do it. He's too busy anyway.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I been on cruises before and those are tiny rooms. I would never be stuck in a tiny room with my parents for a week 😑

Although the fact that he is going on a cruise makes the fact that that he is staying in the same room with his parents a little more believable. They have super-small "inside cabins" that are set up with bunk beds. They are great for families that want to save money. The rationale is that they only sleep there. 

It is kind of odd that he is going on a cruise with his parents, though.

[NighttimeNightmare]

what’s interesting about the list is that most things in your “good” column can be argued to be basic kind human gestures that one would likely offer to a friend, maybe even an acquaintance. For instance:

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I like that he insists on paying when we go out

I’ve done this with friends. It’s a kind gesture. “I got it bro. No worries”

 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he always drives me around

When I hang out with friends they often drive 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he's handy and offers to fix things around my home

Again, I do the same for my friends 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's sweet and nice to my pets and respects my home

I’m the same when entering into anyone’s home. Be it a stranger, a friend, etc. Basic courtesy. 

 

however, in contrast, when it comes to your “bad” list, it seems this column is filled with things that you’d expect to see in a romantic engagement, but your relationship is missing these things: 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he seems more invested in his friends than our relationship

The point of a romantic relationship is that that person offers us things that friends don’t.  Even just a better quality of company. Why does he prefer his friends over his own gf? 

id treat a platonic friend this way, certainly not a girlfriend 
 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he isn't super into having sex

again, I’d treat a platonic friend this way, not a girlfriend 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he doesn't include me or introduce me to his friends

Again, I’d treat a platonic friend this way. Not a girlfriend 

 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That he cancels and reschedules on me

I personally wouldn’t treat anyone this way but within the confines of a romantic relationship I’d be damn sure not to do it to a woman I made a commitment to

It appears he’s showing up for you in ways someone would show up for a friend, but not in ways someone would show up for a partner. 
 

…..at least not if they were actually in to their partner on any level that is of value. 
 

it’s no wonder you’re hurting and confused. But all of the answers you need are right here in black and white. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

what’s interesting about the list is that most things in your “good” column can be argued to be basic kind human gestures that one would likely offer to a friend, maybe even an acquaintance. For instance:

I’ve done this with friends. It’s a kind gesture. “I got it bro. No worries”

 

When I hang out with friends they often drive 

Again, I do the same for my friends 

I’m the same when entering into anyone’s home. Be it a stranger, a friend, etc. Basic courtesy. 

 

however, in contrast, when it comes to your “bad” list, it seems this column is filled with things that you’d expect to see in a romantic engagement, but your relationship is missing these things: 

The point of a romantic relationship is that that person offers us things that friends don’t.  Even just a better quality of company. Why does he prefer his friends over his own gf? 

id treat a platonic friend this way, certainly not a girlfriend 
 

again, I’d treat a platonic friend this way, not a girlfriend 

Again, I’d treat a platonic friend this way. Not a girlfriend 

 

I personally wouldn’t treat anyone this way but within the confines of a romantic relationship I’d be damn sure not to do it to a woman I made a commitment to

It appears he’s showing up for you in ways someone would show up for a friend, but not in ways someone would show up for a partner. 
 

…..at least not if they were actually in to their partner on any level that is of value. 
 

it’s no wonder you’re hurting and confused. But all of the answers you need are right here in black and white. 

Great post NN. 👍

[boltnrun]

He "offers" to fix things in your home but didn't you end up having to do your lawn yourself because he cancelled after he said he would help you?

The few times he actually took you out I presume he drove, but hasn't that only been three or four times?  The rest of the time he's on your couch.

And sure, he paid for Chick-fil-A but most of the time he's on your couch watching TV.  Do you pay for groceries and cook him dinner?  Or does he bring groceries or pay for takeout food?

Alex, you don't want to end this and I get it.  You do NOT want to have to start looking for a boyfriend again.  But please realize that in your desperation to have someone you can call "boyfriend" you are settling, no matter what you try to tell us or yourself.  

And it's a darn shame.  You can do so much better but you're in too much of a hurry.

[LootieTootie]

27 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Although the fact that he is going on a cruise makes the fact that that he is staying in the same room with his parents a little more believable. They have super-small "inside cabins" that are set up with bunk beds. They are great for families that want to save money. The rationale is that they only sleep there. 

It is kind of odd that he is going on a cruise with his parents, though.

Yes its the same ones they set up for ppl who work on cruise ships. 

I think its a cruise with family. But cruises are good way for people to go the clubs and get wasted. I'm not sure I would like partying all night and coming back to my bed with my parents next to me. I don't know. I just don't find that fun for anyone in their 20s or 30s.

[boltnrun]

Just now, LootieTootie said:

Yes its the same ones they set up for ppl who work on cruise ships. 

I think its a cruise with family. But cruises are good way for people to go the clubs and get wasted. I'm not sure I would like partying all night and coming back to my bed with my parents next to me. I don't know. I just don't find that fun for anyone in their 20s or 30s.

But it's a free vacation.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, you don't want to end this and I get it.  You do NOT want to have to start looking for a boyfriend again.

Well, yes, but I think it’s even deeper than that

 

if she’s asked to write a list and everything in her “good” column are basic things you would expect from healthy, mutual, platonic connections it begs to question if she even has that in her life?

she may not, and that’s why him doing these very basic things are so remarkable to her. 
 

if she’s so thirsty for even the most basic of benevolent human gesture, what does she have to go back to once she gets rid of him? (Disclaimer that obviously this isn’t a reason to stay, there are much more healthy approaches, but I think her reality is bleak.  There’s a reason she’s holding onto this so strongly)

[Sindy_0311]

So the guy pretends to be exclusive? Try him on your online dating app😉 I guess it’s the only way for you to open your eyes on this situation… not saying it’s healthy but it works… 🙆‍♀️

[LootieTootie]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So the guy pretends to be exclusive? Try him on your online dating app😉 I guess it’s the only way for you to open your eyes on this situation… not saying it’s healthy but it works… 🙆‍♀️

I think when you agreed to being exclusive, it's ok to check if the other has deleted their account or hid their account.

Alex, do you know if he's still on the dating site? And if yes, is he active?

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I think when you agreed to being exclusive, it's ok to check if the other has deleted their account or hid their account.

Alex, do you know if he's still on the dating site? And if yes, is he active?

I meant asking a girl friend to engage with him or create a faux profile… not just checking his status… 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I meant asking a girl friend to engage with him or create a faux profile… not just checking his status… 

If I'm at the point of participating in this level of subterfuge I would not bother and just end it.

But...I have had enough of trying to force a match that is clearly the wrong one. I am fortunately not at a point in my life where I MUST have a boyfriend come heck or high water. 

Alex, please do consider what it is you want...ANY boyfriend or the right one.

[Alex39]

I don't have my profile so I can't check. He said he isn't talking to anyone else and seemed appalled when I asked 

[boltnrun]

Alex, are you OK if this thing with this guy only lasts a few months? Or are you actually interested in long term leading to marriage?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IF a healthy loving committed relationship is truly what you want, then what the HECK are you still doing with him? 

Women actually seeking a healthy loving mutually-rewarding committed relationship would NOT last two seconds with a man like him! 

Why do you?   I hope you will answer that.

Alex, would you mind answering this^? 

I think it would shed some serious light on your thought process about this. 

Thanks in advance.

 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If I'm at the point of participating in this level of subterfuge I would not bother and just end it.

Of course, that’s why I said it’s not the best, healthier solution, but he agreed on exclusivity, so it might be a opportunity to check his honesty…  

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't have my profile so I can't check. 

That's good. Don't waste your time stalking or catfishing. He can pick up women on all his outings that he never takes you on. 

However consider getting a fresh new profile and pics on quality PAID relationship focused dating apps. He won't be on it nor will anyone else who is this broke. 

Start talking to and messaging men. But please date them for a while rather than trying to make them into a BF on date 4.  This is why you're upset. It's not picking unavailable men, etc. It's getting complacent because someone offers to come to your house. 

You need to start investing in dating if you want to find a relationship. That means you'll have to be willing to drive, plan things to do and invest in yourself. Installing a pseudo BF on your couch is not what dating is for.

[rainbowsandroses]

>>It's not picking unavailable men, etc. It's getting complacent because someone offers to come to your house. <<

Alex it's actually both and if at 31 years of age, every guy you've dated has been "unavailable," then it's a pattern and not to be disregarded or ignored.

[Alex39]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, are you OK if this thing with this guy only lasts a few months? Or are you actually interested in long term leading to marriage?

I want long term leading to marriage

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want long term leading to marriage

You'll have to start investing in yourself and dating quality men. Right now you're investing in this indifferent guy. 

[Alex39]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, would you mind answering this^? 

I think it would shed some serious light on your thought process about this. 

Thanks in advance.

 

I rarely meet people I click with and am comfortable with. I presented myself to this guy as me. I was myself. I think I have a lot to offer. We have very similar values and future goals. 

And we clicked and I do feel comfortable around him. I do think there is something there, but I also see some confusion there as well. 

I see myself becoming not myself. I'm not as funny, or light, or confident. I feel eager, questioning, clingy. That I no longer have an opinion or a say. He'll ask me things and I just say nothing or I don't know. I'm becoming shy and nervous. 

I hate it. I feel like he's going about living his life and I'm not. And that maybe I'm part of the issue. 

But at the same time, one of my friends last night told me that if I was with a good guy, he wouldn't make me feel this way. That it's him that's pushing this for me to have my reactions. Maybe she's right. 

I want this to work and I do like this guy. He does make me smile and laugh. We do have chemistry. He is a nice guy. 

I think I'm way overthinking on how to get this to be more,be better, does he like me, doesn't he? Instead of just naturally letting it progress. 

 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want long term leading to marriage

Then you have to realize this guy is not going to give you that.

When I met my husband we couldn't wait to see one another. We spent as much time as possible together. He held my hand or had his arm around me in public. If we had to wait in a queue he placed me in front of him so he could hold me around my waist. He drove and picked me up and we did fun, low cost activities like third run movies, playing basketball or going to the beach. He didn't cancel on me, he didn't skip out on me to drink with his friends and he didn't offer to help me with things and then cancel in favor of helping a friend or because he had a hangover or the runs from excessive partying. 

I feel sad that you feel you have to settle for being repeatedly cancelled on or pushed aside in favor of partying with his friends. 

All I can conclude is you are fine with squandering time with Mr. Right Now and are not actually ready for a long term, committed relationship. Either that or you are so fearful you won't find anyone else you're trying desperately to force this guy into the role of Future Husband (which he has in no way indicated he's interested in, at least from what you've written about him).

Mom always said not to "sell" yourself cheaply. I hope you aren't.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I feel like he's going about living his life and I'm not. 

That's exactly what is happening. It's fine to have fun and like him but you're revolving your life around him like a future husband. 

Your life is your responsibility, not his. It's your option to go out and meet other men and have a life.

 

[LootieTootie]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I think I'm way overthinking on how to get this to be more,be better, does he like me, doesn't he? Instead of just naturally letting it progress. 

Or maybe you just want it too much that you're willing to eat the table scraps? 

Finding a romantic relationship is like finding friends. Its hard to find someone you can truly connect with. It's better dining in a feast by yourself than dining with someone while they throw you crumbs.