Jump to content

Nervous for a date

Alex39

By Alex39
in Dating Advice

kamurj
Message added by kamurj,

Dear members, please stop debating each other and focus on the OP's post.

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 2.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Jaunty
Jaunty

That's because we have our priorities in order around here.

boltnrun
boltnrun

Way too soon IMO. Two days ago you were considering forgetting about him because he'd cancelled on you again.  And haven't you only gone on a few dates over less than a month? Don't be so ov

boltnrun
boltnrun

Isn't this a first date? No need to be thinking about anything other than "is this man polite? Is he engaging me in conversation or only talking about himself? Is he considerate of wait staff? Of me?

Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Just now, LootieTootie said:

Alex,

My question is about last night call with him. You said you both spoke almost an hour. Can you tell us what you talked about? I want to know if this was a two-sided conversation or just him talking about himself.

If you don't want to divulge that info, no worries.

He told me a lot about his night and his interactions with his friends. He did speak more about him, but I spoke about me too. 

Link to comment
NighttimeNightmare Experienced

NighttimeNightmare

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't mean to evade questions. I'm still trying to catch up reading here. Can everyone post their questions again, so I can answer them?

Sure, my question was essentially: are you willing to make a list and share it with us

 

a list of things done to you [by him] that make you feel “good” and a list of things done to you [by him] that make you feel “bad” 

Link to comment
Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted
8 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Thats a pity because he could really get to know you and what matters to you but he isn't.

Have you thought maybe its because he is not that in to you?

Yeah, I've thought of this. That he just like the attention I give him and that I'm just always there for him. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted
10 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Sure, my question was essentially: are you willing to make a list and share it with us

 

a list of things done to you [by him] that make you feel “good” and a list of things done to you [by him] that make you feel “bad” 

I like that he insists on paying when we go out

That he always drives me around

That he drives to me and doesn't make me do it

That he's handy and offers to fix things around my home

That he engages with me physically to try and make me feel good

He's sweet and nice to my pets and respects my home

That he calls me daily to talk

That he texts me daily in the morning just to say hi

He asks my opinion on stuff as it pertains to him

Things I don't like:

That he seems more invested in his friends than our relationship 

That he isn't super into having sex

That he doesn't include me or introduce me to his friends

That he cancels and reschedules on me

Link to comment
Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted
2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How do you feel about that?  Is this acceptable to you?  

If not, may I ask why you choose to stay?

I question if I am making this up or creating this in my head. Other times I talk to him, he changes my mind and I see times where he is super into me. 

Link to comment
Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He said to me last night how he and his guy friend had a heart to heart talk last night. And how his friend knew him 6 months ago and he was in a really low spot, and he said how now he's the happiest he's been in a long time and life is on an upturn. And he says how he had good friends and job, and he listed stuff, but he never said meeting me or having a girlfriend was a part of that. Maybe he just thought I assumed. But yeah. 

Link to comment
LootieTootie Mentor

LootieTootie

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah, I've thought of this. That he just like the attention I give him and that I'm just always there for him. 

Right. This is good you recognize this. There are men who just want an ego-boost and you being there for him, listening to him, responding to him, that makes them feel good.

He relies on his parents for money, he doesn't have a great living situation, he is a divorcee, he struggles to make ends meet... as a grown man, he is probably not happy with himself. Then someone like you, who has their shyt together, likes him and caters to him, he probably feels like "yea, I still got it."

What you are doing is you're feeding his ego while sacrificing your own self-worth.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Just now, LootieTootie said:

Right. This is good you recognize this. There are men who just want an ego-boost and you being there for him, listening to him, responding to him, that makes them feel good.

He relies on his parents for money, he doesn't have a great living situation, he is a divorcee, he struggles to make ends meet... as a grown man, he is probably not happy with himself. Then someone like you, who has their shyt together, likes him and caters to him, he probably feels like "yea, I still got it."

What you are doing is you're feeding his ego while sacrificing your own self-worth.

How do I fix this?

Link to comment
Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I like that he insists on paying when we go out

That he always drives me around

That he drives to me and doesn't make me do it

That he's handy and offers to fix things around my home

That he engages with me physically to try and make me feel good

He's sweet and nice to my pets and respects my home

That he calls me daily to talk

That he texts me daily in the morning just to say hi

He asks my opinion on stuff as it pertains to him

Things I don't like:

That he seems more invested in his friends than our relationship 

That he isn't super into having sex

That he doesn't include me or introduce me to his friends

That he cancels and reschedules on me

You mean in the last 2 months ? When he’s cancelled half the time ? That’s not always. If it is always then he also always cancels. 

Link to comment
Jaunty Grand Master

Jaunty

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I question if I am making this up or creating this in my head. Other times I talk to him, he changes my mind and I see times where he is super into me. 

The second part is you making things up / creating things in your head.

Yes, he is nice to you.  He might be a basically "nice guy."  He's never mean. 

But, he does not treat you in any way shape or form like his girlfriend or a romantic partner, or even a "FWB."   

Why do you want to pretend like he is?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 he listed stuff, but he never said meeting me or having a girlfriend was a part of that. 

His divorce was final 6 mos ago and that is stressful. You tend to deny this fact and convince yourself he's husband material. You seem to hope you're making a difference in his life but you've only been on 9 dates dates in 7weeks. 

Unfortunately you're revolving your life around him and he's just living his life with friends and family as usual and just dating you.  You're thinking he's found "the one" and his whole life is turned around. However that's Disney and not what's really happening here.

If anything the dynamic you describe is casual dating and unfortunately your pressure to be a GF by date 4 is also mostly of your doing. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Grand Master

rainbowsandroses

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

How do I fix this?

Alex, this is something to be deleted from your dating repertoire - the need to "fix" everything or him.

Good healthy relationships don't need to be fixed.  They simply exist on their own, naturally and organically.

If within less than two months in, you're asking "how do I fix this?"

The answer is you don't, you wish him well and walk away.

Given all the circumstances (BS quite frankly) I'm absolutely stumped as to why you're so averse to doing this.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Jaunty Grand Master

Jaunty

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

How do I fix this?

Are you able to acknowledge that this guy is "not that into you"?  I'm sure that hurts.  I get it.  But don't be beating yourself up about it.   Every single person who has dated has experienced this.

The biggest question is, why are you so outrageously determined to make this into something that it's not?

Alex, I have to believe that you're not as into him as you make yourself out to be, either.  

Your communications are tediously boring, he is absolutely unreliable, he is blatantly uninterested in you sexually or as a person, and he seems kind of gross (not showering to spend time with you, etc.)

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

How do I fix this?

Stop being exclusive. That was your biggest mistake.

Keep in mind when this runs it's course, he's the slow fade type so you won't even realize whether you're dating anymore or he's just broke busy stressed etc. 

You need to prepare for this now. Date other men.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Mentor

Sindy_0311

Posted
Posted
Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Stop being exclusive. That was your biggest mistake.

Keep in mind when this runs it's course, he's the slow fade type so you won't even realize whether you're dating anymore or he's just broke busy stressed etc. 

You need to prepare for this now. Date other men.

 

Agree… don’t dump him if you don’t feel like to, but get back to previous stage which is dating without exclusivity. Start to talk to men online from now on and set one or two dates for next week… it’s the only way for you to manage this and get away from the pressure of this relationship. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

Posted
Posted

There's nothing for you to fix.

You have decisions to make:

Are you ok with everything here?  You made a nice pros/cons list above, so if you're ok with the pros outweighing the cons, then stick around.  If some of the cons are too heavy, then break it off.

All you are doing, this early in the game, is deciding if this guy is worth your time.  Is he?

 

Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Mentor

Sindy_0311

Posted
Posted
On 8/9/2023 at 10:55 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

I suggest you read some of John Grays books about relationships (MARS&VENUS) you will learn about what are the steps, the 5 stages of dating that create a soulmate:

ATTRACTION / UNCERTAINTY / EXCLUSIVITY / INTIMACY / ENGAGEMENT

According to this book, if the person you are dating is regressing in any of these stages, you go back to the previous one. Meaning if you are in EXCLUSIVITY stage and still find somethings you don't like about this person, you go back to UNCERTAINTY stage, free to meet other people and make up your mind about the guy you are dating...

>> I highly recommend you start dating other guys from now on... 

please take note. This is what I suggested a few days ago… 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...