Nervous for a date

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 really don't think he would ever do that. I've offered to help pay or to pay for lunches/dinners on numerous occasions and he says no. 

Have you been in a restaurant with this guy "numerous times"?  

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He actually only went to dinner with them and now he's asleep. 

Well, if he says so, then it must be true. 

[Jaunty]

I've been very resistant to the "extra women" conjectures because he just sounds so generally undesirable.  But now I can't help but think he's out with a woman.  The new clothes, the specific time of 6:00, and now ... he's ASLEEP?   

Sounds like he doesn't want to be disturbed.

[NighttimeNightmare]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I've been very resistant to the "extra women" conjectures because he just sounds so generally undesirable. 

It wouldn’t be with high-value women 

[NighttimeNightmare]

57 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He'll cuddle when we are on the couch, but out in public he told me he isn't a big hand holder. He'll grab my back if we are walking occasionally.  But no hand holding, no real touching.

Some people don’t like any sort of PDA, and others pretend to not want to hold hands because they don’t want to be seen romantically with you… 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He gave me the smallest peck goodbye and ran out the door. 

Unfortunately whoever else he ran off to see is more important.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He actually only went to dinner with them and now he's asleep. 

Did he send pics? 

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

but out in public he told me he isn't a big hand holder.

So how do you spend the time out? You two just behave like friends?

I tend to think that PDA is always a strong sign of interest. If there's nothing, not even holding hands, I would start questioning about the guy... 

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He actually only went to dinner with them and now he's asleep.

How was your communication last night after he left. Did he call you when he came home? Did he text you? At what time he went to sleep? 

I don't think he had a date with a beautiful lady, I think he went out with his guys and did what they sometimes do, try to get some girls... I also think that he might have interest in a girl who hangs out with them. Could explain his passiveness and disengagement in your relationship.

[spinstermanquee]

Hi Alex, someone here mentioned the book "Red Flags:  How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Your Life."  (by Wendy Patrick in case you are interested) I was intrigued, so I bought it and am currently reading it.

In the section called "Shopping While You are Hungry" on page 21, an excerpt:  "If you go to the grocery store while you are hungry, your cart will likely include items that look really good, although you know they are bad for you.  That is why candy and soda are displayed right next to the register.  People who relationship-shop out of desperation are prone to making the same bad choice.

This can happen because the fear of being single causes people to lower their standards and settle for less, believing that any relationship is better than being alone.  Once involved, the fear of being single causes people to lower their standards within relationships in order to maintain them."

This morning I picked up the book, read that, and wanted to share it with YOU, Alex.  The above two paragraphs sum up what the majority of the folks here are expressing.  I hope you will release this one back into the wild because having no guy is better than being some guy's plan Z, he only shows up when he has nothing better to do.  I might be just a stranger on the internet but it still stings to know one of my sisters is being treated like dirt.  Girl, I beg you, claim your worth!!!

[Batya33]

In my 30s I dated a man who was temporarily unemployed for a few months. It didn’t bother me - he seemed to be looking for a new job. seemed because after a few weeks seemed to me he wasn’t and was just day trading.
He lived rent free in his parents apartment - they owned it. Lived elsewhere. I had my own place. But there was weirdness. I was attracted to him and he to me. Not weirdness around other dates or women. 
He came to my place one night for the first time after  the third or fourth date to hang out.  
We’d been out for dinner and maybe a movie.  He saw my cereal boxes in the kitchen.  Without asking he made himself a bowl of cereal. Of course I’d have said yes. If he asked. But - really ?  I brushed it aside. A few weeks later he invited me out for NYE with his parents. Met them first time. Dinner and improv comedy then he was going to come back to my place and stay over then brunch with his parents next day. 
He got drunk.  No one else did. Not even close. His parents were lovely. As he got drink he got mean to me. Cold. Distant weird. First time. We’d been dating two months. I couldn’t say anything. I’d just met his lovely parents. I let him take the bus back to my place and he was drunk and sullen. It was midnight. I didn’t let him in. Told him I wasn’t comfortable given his attitude and the drinking. He left. 
no call next day for brunch.

Two calls later that day and next day. Voicemails apologizing lamely and one asking did I still want his dentist dad to give me a free second opinion on a dental issue. 

Never responded. I really do think that weirdness and “off” crop up early if you’re paying attention. Unemployed or underemployed- and or unexplained money issues plus weird spending than the hot cold inconsistencies.  If you observe you don’t have to link it all up you can just know something is off and who cares what. Little things add up.  

And then often there’s a big thing. Which is helpful if you’re still making up stories in your head . But no fun to go through. I’ve had that big thing a few times where for a minute it seemed out of left field. But wasn’t. If you’re clear headed while savoring the newness you can avoid the big thing. So I’d get out now OP. 
 

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So how do you spend the time out? You two just behave like friends?

I tend to think that PDA is always a strong sign of interest. If there's nothing, not even holding hands, I would start questioning about the guy... 

How was your communication last night after he left. Did he call you when he came home? Did he text you? At what time he went to sleep? 

I don't think he had a date with a beautiful lady, I think he went out with his guys and did what they sometimes do, try to get some girls... I also think that he might have interest in a girl who hangs out with them. Could explain his passiveness and disengagement in your relationship.

He called me after and told me all about their night. We talked for close to an hour. 

[Sindy_0311]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He called me after and told me all about their night. We talked for close to an hour. 

Good, at what time did he call, hope it was not too late for you?

So he is leaving today. How do you feel? 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Forgot to mention when it comes to sex, he prefers her to initiate, take chage, and be dominant.

Also seems that they sometimes develop gastrointestinal issues

Anyway, I think its dangerous to try to diagnose this guy... 

 

[Jaunty]

Some people find it fun to try to diagnose people to be neuro-atypical, mentally ill, have personality disorders, etc. based on what other people (who we don't know) say about them on the Internet but I think it's a pretty slippery slope.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Also seems that they sometimes develop gastrointestinal issues

Anyway, I think its dangerous to try to diagnose this guy... 

 

Not diagnosing him at all.

Lord we've speculated about  everything else, I threw it out as a possibility because on some level it fits with his behavior and explained why.

 

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

He called you after his night out.

He told you all about it.

He talked "at" you for 1 hour, telling you all about his night out.

Yet it didn't even occur to him to cancel his night out with the boys, or better yet not have made plans with them in the first place, knowing this trip was coming up, to spend it with you.

So you, girl, got the breadcrumbs of the evening.

You got the unshowered, unkempt, couch-hanger afternoon version for a couple of hours.

His buddies got the showered, cleaned up, new clothes (that you picked out), fun version.

You got what's left in the bag of bread when you're just about to throw it away.

What a great guy.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Never mind. Deleted posts because of moderator warning 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Some people find it fun to try to diagnose people to be neuro-atypical, mentally ill, have personality disorders, etc. based on what other people (who we don't know) say about them on the Internet but I think it's a pretty slippery slope.

 

Right like all the other much more insidious and derogatory things you and others (including mysef) have accused him of or speculated about over the internet are somehow okay and acceptable? 

SMH

Nevermind.  I'm gonna delete the post.

[rainbowsandroses]

I just deleted it and will discuss with Alex privately.

[Jaunty]

Honestly it doesn't matter if he has a disorder or not.  OP's job, just like any of us when dating with a goal of finding a good partner in mind,  is to find the person who will fulfill her in that role.

A person who is in the throes of their disorder, whatever it may be, is probably not the right choice.

If you meet a person in your life, get to know them, start to fall for all of their qualities, maybe that will be a person who is not "typical" in any number of ways, and may not have got a good handle on that yet.   But you've grown attracted and attached, so it's worth a go.

OTOH if you're online dating and meet a person who is barely functioning in their life and also doesn't really act like they're interested in you at all - it doesn't really matter why.   What matters is:  Do you pick this person, as they are today, to share your life and future with? 

The healthy answer is "NO."  

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you observe you don’t have to link it all up you can just know something is off and who cares what. Little things add up.  

And then often there’s a big thing. Which is helpful if you’re still making up stories in your head . But no fun to go through. I’ve had that big thing a few times where for a minute it seemed out of left field. But wasn’t. If you’re clear headed while savoring the newness you can avoid the big thing. So I’d get out now OP. 
 

This sums it up.

Alex, you've seen a lot of little things that add up wrong. Even some medium things. And a lot of them. This is tip of the iceberg since there's so so much you don't know about him yet. I just really hope for your sake the big things aren't things that put your safety in danger.

We've talked a lot here about feelings getting hurt and missing out , some people are of the "she will live and learn on her own pace" line of thought. And it's true in the way that it's your life, it's all up to you end of the day.

You've been "lucky" so far in your life that none of the guys whose red flags you looked past weren't more nasty types. But going with blinders makes you vulnerable to being put in the line of fire with those guys. That's more serious than just getting feelings hurt or being disappointed. 

 

[Starlight925]

I think we are all trying to figure out what his deal is.  Is there another woman, is he on drugs, is he on the spectrum, etc.

Instead, Alex39, focus on what your deal is.  Why are you accepting these lame crumbs?  What is it, in your life, that causes you to think this is a wonderful relationship?

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Honestly it doesn't matter if he has a disorder or not.  OP's job, just like any of us when dating with a goal of finding a good partner in mind,  is to find the person who will fulfill her in that role.

I agree.

So let's stop trashing the guy and focus on that.

It's NOT about the guy, it's about Alex and why she makes the choices she makes and why she finds it so difficult to extricate herself from unhealthy situations.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree.

So let's stop trashing the guy and focus on that.

It's NOT about the guy, it's about Alex and why she makes the choices she makes and why she finds it so difficult to extricate herself from unhealthy situations.

Others Mentioning spectrum isn’t trashing. I never trashed him. I’m totally comfortable commenting on what I see as rudeness and thoughtlessness. He may be a very good person making bad choices. To me those are choosing to treat her disrespectfully instead of not dating her. 
And I agree the main issue here is why Alex is tolerating it and whitewashing and lying to herself. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

nstead, Alex39, focus on what your deal is.  Why are you accepting these lame crumbs?  What is it, in your life, that causes you to think this is a wonderful relationship?

I think she is afraid. Of being alone, of disappointment, of rejection, to never find someone… it’s all caused by fear…