He blames me for his marriage ending, but what about his choices?

[Gb8585]

22 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

You really don't.   He doesn't love you, he's never going to marry you or even have a real relationship with you beyond using you for sex, and treats you and your child like trash. 

Would you want another woman messaging you to show tell you about him having sex with her?   Would that "open your eyes" or would you accept whatever excuse he gave you, too?  You can't seem to quit him, no matter how much of a garbage person he is, even to your child! 

You’d think I’d run even knowing that he left behind a wife and child in another country, due to his own “selfishness,” and promptly started cheating with me for years. That shows how he treats his own family; why would I ever think I’d be better? He once said that if he could leave his own young son without any remorse, then he certainly could and would do it to anyone. He has never shown me any empathy (simple stuff like holding the door for me at a restaurant instead of letting it slam in my face when I was trying to carry my baby daughter), but actually, he told me he’s a sociopath who lacks empathy and feels nothing except for his child. But when he shows any teeny tiny semblance of caring, I get so excited because it feels like a victory and it gives me more of a rush than some “nice guy” who’s nice to me like he would be to anybody. 

[redswim30]

Just now, Gb8585 said:

But when he shows any teeny tiny semblance of caring, I get so excited because it feels like a victory and it gives me more of a rush than some “nice guy” who’s nice to me like he would be to anybody. 

WHY?

[Gb8585]

5 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

WHY?

I feel special, like I’ve cracked the code. Chosen. Because he really isn’t nice. Everyone who knew us at the office where we used to work called him “dismissive”; one said “I forgive you for being involved w that guy because I like you so much!” But he says everyone at his new office just adores him

[Coily]

3 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I feel special, like I’ve cracked the code. Chosen. Because he really isn’t nice. Everyone who knew us at the office where we used to work called him “dismissive”; one said “I forgive you for being involved w that guy because I like you so much!” But he says everyone at his new office just adores him

And he's banging them all.

[Gb8585]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

And he's banging them all.

He is aloof and dismissive and not nice; isn’t it possible he’s telling the truth and hasn’t been intimate with anyone else, including his wife, since before we met?

[redswim30]

15 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I feel special, like I’ve cracked the code. Chosen. Because he really isn’t nice. Everyone who knew us at the office where we used to work called him “dismissive”; one said “I forgive you for being involved w that guy because I like you so much!” But he says everyone at his new office just adores him

You're deluding yourself.   Even IF he was nice to you and no one else, would that still make you feel good?  Most people wouldn't want someone like that.   That doesn't represent a healthy person or a healthy life outlook. 

IMO, you want to feel validated/special/important.  You think that can manifest itself in being the ONLY special person to someone. (Laughable that you think this is HIM, when he already told you he doesn't care about anyone but his child, which in and of itself is questionable)  But please understand that people that are only nice to ONE Person aren't healthy people and that's not realistic.  Everyone in life has multiple people that they care about.  Would you want a BF for example that thinks you should only be nice to HIM and not anyone else- including your daughter, other family, friends, co-workers, etc?  Probably not. You'd probably think that was messed up and wouldn't go along with that.  That's what you are expecting from him and what you seemingly want from a man. 

Right now you are behaving like a junkie.  You know he is bad for you and your life and yet you crave that feeling that he gives you.   

I'm not sure anything we say- and you've been given some VERY good advice here - is going to stop you from this destructive path you seem too eager to stay on.  

I will say this- PLEASE if you insist on keeping this toxic, self-proclaimed sociopath in your life- RELINQUISH your daughter to her father for 100% of the time until you are rid of him.  I'm 100% serious.  You are putting her in physical, emotional, mental, and psychological danger.  Maybe once you are without your daughter's presence in your life, you can see how much this "HIGH" is really costing you. 

I sincerely hope for your sake this situation doesn't end in tragedy.  I'd get out while you can, if I were you.  But you're gonna do what you're gonna do.  Please at least protect your daughter, that's the least you can do.  

[boltnrun]

Since you refuse to protect your daughter from this awful man, and since trying to keep him in your life seems to be the most important thing in the world to you, how about giving her father full custody so you can focus full time on trying to get that lying cheater to be nice to you?

[Gb8585]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Since you refuse to protect your daughter from this awful man, and since trying to keep him in your life seems to be the most important thing in the world to you, how about giving her father full custody so you can focus full time on trying to get that lying cheater to be nice to you?

There is zero reason I can’t do both. She never sees this guy save for a meal once per month. And this guy is never going to love me. He left his wife and son behind voluntarily and proceeded to cheat on his wife. He says he’s a sociopath and doesn’t feel emotion or remorse. But he’s certainly shown emotion w me, especially jealousy when other men interested, so I still do want to try my best to get him to be with me

[Seraphim]

Very apparent you don’t love or care about yourself . That alone makes you a dangerous parent . 

[Seraphim]

If you don’t care enough to protect yourself, you can’t protect your daughter. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Gb8585 said:

isn’t it possible he’s telling the truth and hasn’t been intimate with anyone else, including his wife, since before we met?

I have an amazing ocean-front home in Kazakhstan. 

Let me know if you’re interested and we can arrange a sale. 

[Jaunty]

21 hours ago, Gb8585 said:

Because something MUST be wrong with me if I spent 5 years unable to move on from, or like any man more than, a guy using me for sex while he stays married and lies to his wife. 

You're perfectly able, you just like this the way it is.   It seems that you are wallowing in the dirt for pleasure.  Go for it but please please relinquish custody of your child.  She doesn't need to wallow in dirt, don't you agree?

[Gb8585]

15 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You're perfectly able, you just like this the way it is.   It seems that you are wallowing in the dirt for pleasure.  Go for it but please please relinquish custody of your child.  She doesn't need to wallow in dirt, don't you agree?

She’s wallowing in nothing. She sees this man once per month and I didn’t make an active choice to introduce her, as I started seeing this man while I was still pregnant.

[bluecastle]

Imagine I come to this forum and post something to the effect of: 

I am a regular heroin user going through an issue. When I started using, five years ago, I told my dealer from the start that I only wanted pure heroin, and he said he understood. Alas, I soon realized that he was cutting it with all sorts of chemicals, which sometimes made me seriously sick.

But the habit is just so hard to kick, and sometimes his heroin makes me feel really good, so back and forth we go like this. It recently got to the point where I found his dealer and revealed how my guy is cutting the heroin for extra profits. And you know what he did? He threatened to cut off my heroin supply in language that was honestly kind of scary.

Why is do you think it's so hard for him to take responsibility for what he's doing? Oh, and the other thing? Whenever he comes by with the heroin he is kind of standoffish to my son, who is five-years-old. 

How would you respond to that? Would you be concerned about my son? 

 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

She’s wallowing in nothing. She sees this man once per month and I didn’t make an active choice to introduce her, as I started seeing this man while I was still pregnant.

You made the choice to have her continue seeing him at all.  

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Gb8585 said:

She’s wallowing in nothing. She sees this man once per month and I didn’t make an active choice to introduce her, as I started seeing this man while I was still pregnant.

??? How does your pregnancy during this  affair have anything to do with your choice to include your child in the sordid mess?  

You sure are reliable to sidestep any responsibility in this situation.  

Stop pretending to be passive, he doesn't "use you for sex," this is a mutual activity that the two of you are both equally involved in.

Your kids aren't and neither was his wife.   I understand that she probably knew he's a cheater, but that has nothing to do with the various women he's banging, whoever they may be.  You and the rest of them are choosing to have sex with a married guy and that is your own responsibility - the wife has no role in it, as far as you're concerned.  That is between the two of them.

Your choices have brought both your daughter and his own kid into a disgusting place where neither of them had to be.

[Batya33]

Our kids yes even teenagers not only learn from us first hand and directly but they absorb what we do and how we act around them -they're sponges.  They learn so much from watching us as opposed to us telling them or "lecturing" how to be. 

I live in an urban area which like most have lots of pedestrians and lots of homeless people who share the sidewalks, public places, parks with us.  My son is 14 and since he was small he's watched how I react - and he's seen how I react when the situation might be potentially harmful vs. benign vs. a person asking for help who genuinely needs it. 

He watches what I do more than what I tell him about interacting with other adults including strangers.

Last summer we had the experience of seeing one particular homeless woman on our daily walk to camp.  She always asked for money, we always said good morning to her as she did back.  I don't carry cash and given covid I didn't want my son to get too close to her (or anyone really).  My son wanted to give her money.  So one day I brought money and stood aside as he went over to her and gave it to her and she smiled broadly.  

I had many choices here- I could have told him no, told him that he shouldn't approach her ever, chosen not to return her greeting so as not to "encourage" her, etc etc.  I as the adult believed strongly that she was a good person, a person who was safe enough (meaning could have had covid etc but not going to get aggressive with someone who approached) and that she was truly in need. 

I believed strongly that it was a good thing for my son to interact with her when we passed and a good thing for him to give her money without me hovering.  But these are all choices and my son looked to me to assess the situation as to whether him interacting with this stranger was safe and positive.  It's my job as his parent. 

If I was mistaken and she was not safe that's on me but at least I did my best to keep him safe and judge with all the adult information/common sense I have. 

You're shirking these responsibilties to your daughter in a huge way and at her expense.  Shocking to me that you dismiss it as "oh he met her when she was in utero so the cat was out of the bag." With rare exception we have control over whether an adult we know gets to interact with our child to the extent you allowed your daughter to interact with this married man you're having sex with.  Make her the priority from here forward, please.  JMHO.

[redswim30]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You made the choice to have her continue seeing him at all.  

YEP.  And admitting that you starting seeing a married man while pregnant with another man's child and then saying you "didn't make an active choice"?  OP, You've made and continue to make active choices all over the place.  Sad that you can't even own up to that. 

If you want to stay involved in this mess yourself- and it seems you DO and no amount of convincing, advice giving or logic will change your mind. So, go ahead- we can't stop you.  PLEASE at least see THIS- 

What you are SHOWING your daughter.  You are showing her (yes, even once a month) that it's normal for men to treat her and mommy badly.  It's normal for men she associates with (and don't think for a second she isn't absorbing this subconsciously) to mistreat her and if they aren't treating her well- it's her fault and she needs to try harder.  You should stay with someone no matter how badly they treat you.  Many girls who witness this as normal, carry it into adulthood and end up in abusive relationships. 

If your husband is smart, he will eventually take you to court for full custody of your child.  You may be put in a position where you have to choose.  If you choose this bum over your own daughter, this may permanently ruin your relationship with her.  The BEST you can hope for is that her Dad gets full custody and she is not allowed around your BF and that your daughter grows up to not resent you or worse.  But in the BEST case scenario, your daughter is not forced to be around a self-proclaimed sociopath. 

No one can tell you what to do.  But you have and ARE making active choices as to your daughter's future and your future relationship or estrangement from her.  Hope this bum is worth it. 

[gamon]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

you starting seeing a married man while pregnant with another man's child

Geez. The mess some people make with their lives.

 

[sweetlady]

On 5/2/2023 at 2:29 PM, Gb8585 said:

I was involved with a married man for almost 5 years. I told him up front I wouldn’t even come over his place until he was officially separated. Well, he lied about that first. Later admitted he was never getting divorced but that was only to preserve his access to his son (back in the country where he left him with his wife), and so he didn’t have to give his wife all his $$.

I reached out to his wife several times, wondering if she was actually ok with what he & I were doing, or if he was lying to me about that too. Each time she’d act like she didn’t care, but then he’d message me furious that he couldn’t see his child.  Then it would “die down,” likely bc he was feeding her more lies. So this most recent time I sent her undeniable proof of his sexual involvement w me. Now, he’s furious  saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. Why can’t he see that HE ruined it? What do you expect when you try to keep me as a side piece, never giving me a proper relationship? That is so hurtful, and I’m a very honest person- why expect me to lie alongside him, especially when the lies are dishonoring me by keeping me a dirty secret?

hes said multiple  times before he never wants to see me again, but I also wonder why I want to anyhow, rather than viewing him as a sociopathic (his word) monster.

I haven't been reading all the comments in response to your post.

I was you in 2013 stupidly and felt guilty and told the gf. She was already suspicious but you get the home wrecker title and the man get the oh she put you under spell and wife forgives and they move on but he still does his rubbish.

You don't get a thanks for telling the wife as it's like your smug. So probably keep it zipped next time.

He was separated he just wanted a side chick to use for sex. She his wife and don't think he ever give you that title because it was all for sex. I bet she knew what he did 

Being the piece on the side no fun. 

Let him hate you for ruining his marriage let his wife ruin him in the divorce court or let her carry on with a Man like this. 

I am saying this been there done that again and again like a fool. Married men are just something else.