He blames me for his marriage ending, but what about his choices?

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

You are SO right. When I think about a decent man who could do things for me/my daughter, it sounds boring, abhorrent, makes me almost want to vomit and certainly to run in other direction. If the guy was genuinely a nice guy and did nice things for us, then where’s the accomplishment in that? If I can convert a man who left his own wife and daughter in another country willingly for selfish (money) reasons “while they cried,” and used the time to cheat with me, into someone who even remotely acts like he cares, then that’s a thrilling “win.”

if I feel a man is emotionally available then I’m immediately so turned off by him that I literally cannot kiss him or do anything sexual. It feels so gross

Your daughter needs a better role model before she ends up loathing herself and you . 

[Gb8585]

Maybe I just ask too much. I mean he did say the word “thanks.” But he just seems to have zero empathy or compassion. He would totally ignore us then Look up from texting photos of his dinner to someone only to say how great he was  at work

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Gb8585 said:

Well, his reasons for not going through w it make sense. Lose child access (but he’s the one who moved needlessly from another country and left his son there even though he & his wife cried)… and lose his money to her & attorneys. However, it really sucks for me to spend my whole life treated as a side piece, like I’m not good enough to be acknowledged publicly. Also, he didn’t even treat my daughter well- basically blows her off and doesn’t engage/isn’t warm to her

What kind of empathy and compassion did you show his wife ?  Calling her so you could hasten his ending the marriage and be with you? What kind of compassion did you show your daughter having her around this man. What kind of role model are you showing your daughter ?why should a married man get close to your daughter unless he’s part of a family and you and your daughter are family friends with the whole family ?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Gb8585 said:

I mean maybe I’m seeing it wrong? All I know is that when she gave him something she’d made for him, which was actually pretty nice & took a while, he uttered a “thanks” no smile before turning back to his phone on which he’d been relentlessly texting “for work.” (But then why did he take a photo of what he was eating and send that?) I tried to later say “now while she was making this, something interesting happened,” or “look at the colors she chose here,” anything to not make my daughter feel ignored, but he just kept on texting and ignoring. When he finally said something it was like “I did a great deal at work yesterday.” He didn’t hug her or me goodbye, just didn’t look like he cared. Later I brought up his behavior; he said I was an idiot to think he was texting a woman and it was all for work and what was my problem.

Why in the world would you want a married man you’re having sex with to have this sort of role in your daughter’s life ?  So when he leaves the sexual arrangement you have to tell your daughter yes he’s not coming around anymore and no he can’t give you feedback anymore on your projects and no you can’t stay in touch. Sorry. 
Your daughter was being ignored. Her basic emotional needs. By you her mother. 

[boltnrun]

Who does your daughter think this guy is? Don't you know she'll eventually figure out "Mommy's friend" is some sleazy guy who's cheating on his wife with Mommy? 

How do you think his son feels, knowing his Daddy is off running around having affairs? 

And you find all this fun and exciting? 

I wonder how you'd feel if your daughter ends up being the dirty secret of a married man. I truly hope that never happens. 

[MissCanuck]

Why on earth were you bringing this man around your daughter at all? 

Mom. Boundaries. 

[Gb8585]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why on earth were you bringing this man around your daughter at all? 

Mom. Boundaries. 

I assume that if he’s interested in being around her/asks for us to all go out to eat together, then he cares about her and that could lead to a relationship between he and I. Yet all he does is stay with his wife and hammer on to me about how he doesn’t want a relationship w anyone and wants to “stay free.” I just figured since he’s been in my life for 5 years that eventually he’d break down and be w me 

[Siofra123]

I would just exit this situation now - enough upset has been caused for you and his wife. From what you say, he has shown his true colors to you more than once. His life is messy , because he himself made it so, and he needs to wake up and realize that blaming you is just deflecting from himself. You don’t need to speak to this man ever again, he clearly doesn’t think much of you or his wife. 

[redswim30]

23 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I assume that if he’s interested in being around her/asks for us to all go out to eat together, then he cares about her and that could lead to a relationship between he and I. Yet all he does is stay with his wife and hammer on to me about how he doesn’t want a relationship w anyone and wants to “stay free.” I just figured since he’s been in my life for 5 years that eventually he’d break down and be w me 

He was using you for sex.  That's all you mean to him. 

He doesn't care about you or your daughter.  (Going out for a meal means nothing) 

I hope you realize that the odds that he's currently sleeping with multiple other women are high.  He's incapable of and has zero interest in being faithful to anyone. Heck- you just reiterated that with the above. 

It's curious that you say "Break down and be with me".  Is that really what you want?  For someone to be with you because you "wore them down" and not because they genuinely love you and want to be with you?"  (Which he has shown he does not)

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I just figured since he’s been in my life for 5 years that eventually he’d break down and be w me 

And unless and until that happened, you should not have introduced him to your daughter at all. 

Please, don't do anything like this again. Your daughter deserves better. 

[Gb8585]

38 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

He was using you for sex.  That's all you mean to him. 

He doesn't care about you or your daughter.  (Going out for a meal means nothing) 

I hope you realize that the odds that he's currently sleeping with multiple other women are high.  He's incapable of and has zero interest in being faithful to anyone. Heck- you just reiterated that with the above. 

It's curious that you say "Break down and be with me".  Is that really what you want?  For someone to be with you because you "wore them down" and not because they genuinely love you and want to be with you?"  (Which he has shown he does not)

Was I gaslighted? Because even at dinner when I insinuated he was sending photos of his food to “some other woman” and ignoring my daughter & me literally almost the whole meal, he insists I’m psycho and I’m the only one with whom he’s ever remotely associated other than his wife. But he was telling HER that he had never been involved with ME, too, so…

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

Was I gaslighted? Because even at dinner when I insinuated he was sending photos of his food to “some other woman” and ignoring my daughter & me literally almost the whole meal, he insists I’m psycho and I’m the only one with whom he’s ever remotely associated other than his wife. But he was telling HER that he had never been involved with ME, too, so…

You're surprised that a lying cheater lies to you?

[Gb8585]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're surprised that a lying cheater lies to you?

Well yes. I mean, I know he lied to her deeply about me, because when I sent her some texts she was like “oh those are fake messages” bc that was one of his stories. And occasionally he’d post photo of her & their son with a caption about his family and he’d have sex w me like a day later. But I really believed him that I was the only one with whom he was having sex. BUT he also doesn’t seem to have much integrity bc he last week said he can 100% promise me he won’t be having sex with me, then did it 2 days later

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

And unless and until that happened, you should not have introduced him to your daughter at all. 

Please, don't do anything like this again. Your daughter deserves better. 

I'm going to sidestep the cheating and lying here (it's been addressed quite thoroughly) and go to the "meat" of the issue for me, which is modeling relationship behavior to one's daughter - healthy or not.

My mother, while I was growing up, and to her dying day, was pathologically incapable of being without a man/sex source.  She did not model success and independence to me in her lifetime.  She showed me what a single woman who cannot function without a man/sex source acts and looks like.  She didn't teach me things or spend quality time with me, just the two of us, it always had to be with "the guy" she was seeing at the moment.  I had a few insta-daddies until I ran away from the toxic environment to start my own life at a quite tender age.

I never respected my mother from the time I understood what she was up to, until yes - her dying day - when there was no funeral, no memorial, no condolence cards... nothing.  She had burned her bridges with all her family members, children, exes, friends, and there was no one left, not even her man/sex source in the assisted living facility threw a memorial for her.

I'm not saying this is you, Gb.  I'm just throwing it out there that your daughter is going to remember your behavior how it shows up for her in past, present, and future.  Please don't be "that mom."  You deserve better - and most importantly, YOUR DAUGHTER deserves a happy balanced life with a sense of her worth.

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

 I insinuated he was sending photos of his food to “some other woman” and ignoring my daughter & me literally almost the whole meal, he insists I’m psycho.

If you two enjoy this degradation, you two are adults. 

Please protect your daughter from all this. Can she stay with her father or other extended family?

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Gb8585 said:

Well yes. I mean, I know he lied to her deeply about me, because when I sent her some texts she was like “oh those are fake messages” bc that was one of his stories. And occasionally he’d post photo of her & their son with a caption about his family and he’d have sex w me like a day later. But I really believed him that I was the only one with whom he was having sex. BUT he also doesn’t seem to have much integrity bc he last week said he can 100% promise me he won’t be having sex with me, then did it 2 days later

It makes no sense that you expected someone who you know for a fact lies every single day to be honest with you.

Please end this and think about the role model you want to be for your daughter.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It makes no sense that you expected someone who you know for a fact lies every single day to be honest with you.

Please end this and think about the role model you want to be for your daughter.

Seems to me you are gaslighting yourself OP.

[Cherylyn]

Everyone lost because no one did anything in order nor played by the rules.  ☹️

[Gb8585]

12 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Everyone lost because no one did anything in order nor played by the rules.  ☹️

I truly tried… left my marriage before anything happened w this man, and told him I’d only get involved w him if he was getting divorced too (then his lies began)

[Cherylyn]

8 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I truly tried… left my marriage before anything happened w this man, and told him I’d only get involved w him if he was getting divorced too (then his lies began)

Even though you left your marriage,  you got involved with a married man.  Whether he was separated,  lied,  etc., didn't matter because he was still legally married.  It was your downfall from the very beginning. 

It was miscalculation on you part to contact his wife because you were meddling and too intrusive in another couple's marriage.  Wives do not wish to be contacted by other women. 

You made it worse between husband and wife.  The wife retaliated by using his child as a pawn.  You shouldn't have interfered in the first place.

Both of you deserved this outcome.  It could've been very avoidable by going through proper legal channels step by step.

This affair resulted in a hot mess.  ☹️

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Gb8585 said:

I truly tried… left my marriage before anything happened w this man, and told him I’d only get involved w him if he was getting divorced too (then his lies began)

How long after you found out he was lying to you did you keep seeing him? 

[Gb8585]

9 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It was miscalculation on you part to contact his wife because you were meddling and too intrusive in another couple's marriage.  Wives do not wish to be contacted by other women. 

You made it worse between husband and wife.  The wife retaliated by using his child as a pawn.  You shouldn't have interfered in the first place.

Both of you deserved this outcome.  It could've been very avoidable by going through proper legal channels step by step.

This affair resulted in a hot mess.  ☹️

I did go through the proper legal channels. Can’t control that he wanted to lie to me to keep me as a side piece while avoiding the financial repercussions and loss of access to his son that come with divorce.  occasionally he’d tell me he “still loved her” or “didn’t want to leave her,” to which I’m like, what a joke bc you left her in another country voluntarily and now have cheated on her for 5 years.

And genuinely I don’t see why she wouldn’t want to be contacted by me. She is certainly never going to get the truth from her husband, and why waste her life with a dishonest cheater?

[boltnrun]

Just now, Gb8585 said:

why waste her life with a dishonest cheater?

Why waste yours?

[Gb8585]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Why waste yours?

Great question, unfortunately I have never felt anything close to the chemistry & excitement I have with him, with any other man. They all pale in comparison and make me feel bored and dread being trapped ie married again.

[Seraphim]

Just now, Gb8585 said:

Great question, unfortunately I have never felt anything close to the chemistry & excitement I have with him, with any other man. They all pale in comparison and make me feel bored and dread being trapped ie married again.

Can your daughter go live with her father ?