My best friend doesn't feel the same way

[prot0n]

I'm a man and I'm close friend with a married woman. We're both in our 30s. I love her, but not romantically. If she was single I'd consider asking her out, but she's not, and I'd never want to be her lover nor ask her to leave her husband. I just love her platonically, meaning she's important to me, and I care about her.

Lately, I was going through something, and I opened up to her. I thanked her for listening, and told her she's my best friend. However, she made it clear I'm not hers. She said she's happy to have me as a friend because I've always been there for her, but her best friend is someone else. It hurt, but I said that's fine.

Now, here's the problem: I feel like she's more distant since then. We used to text almost daily and meet for a coffee or a walk once a month. Now she rarely texts me first, and she often says she's busy when I ask to meet, unless other friends join us. It's as if she's fine seeing me, but not anymore if it's just us two.

So, what's happening? She's not obliged to be my best friend if she doesn't feel like it, so I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to lose her. Does she think I'm in love with her? Should I tell her I'm not, and I just love her as a friend? Or does she simply not feel like having a close friendship with me?

Last time we met with other friends, I arrived there first, and she was second. She greeted and hugged me as usual, but her smile was kinda forced, and I felt like she was a bit uncomfortable. A minute later, our other friends arrived and she was suddenly all happy and smiling. That also hurt, but I pretended it didn't.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, prot0n said:

 She greeted and hugged me as usual, but her smile was kinda forced, and I felt like she was a bit uncomfortable. 

Sorry this happened. It seems like she is becoming aware of your crush and decided to not lead you on or act inappropriately.  It seems like she feels the need to distance herself and create better boundaries. That's ok. You have other friends and can certainly date single available women.

[prot0n]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like she is becoming aware of your crush and decided to not lead you on or act inappropriately.  It seems like she feels the need to distance herself and create better boundaries. That's ok. You have other friends and can certainly date single available women.

Yes, it may be. But I don't have a romantic crush on her, and I don't want to date her. I just love her as a friend and as a person. But I guess she probably doesn't.

[NighttimeNightmare]

I think you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings for her.  
 

on one hand you’re saying that your feelings are platonic, but on the other hand you said that you would consider asking her out if she were single

 

i am a man, with several platonic female friends, and asking them out has never crossed my mind, it’s never been any sort of consideration, ever.  Because it’s platonic. 

[prot0n]

Just now, NighttimeNightmare said:

I think you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings for her.  
 

on one hand you’re saying they’re platonic, but on the other hand you said that you would consider asking her out if she were single

 

i am a man, with several platonic female friends, and asking them out has never crossed my mind, it’s never been any sort of consideration, ever.  Because it’s platonic. 

I get your point, but have you ever had a friend and thought: "If she was single I wonder if things could work between us, but she's not, so let's just be friends."? It's just a thought. I'm not friend with her because I want to become more than a friend. I'm friend with her because her friendship makes me happy.

She's married so I wouldn't date her, not even if she was the one to ask me out. That would be wrong and it would ruin our friendship. I'm against cheating and I think if a relationship starts with cheating, it will probably end with cheating too.

And to be clear, it's not a sexual attraction. She's not bad looking, but it's not about sex. I love her as a person. I'm not much interested in sex, generally. Not completely asexual, but I don't care much.

So if you think I'm only friend with her because I hope to sleep with her one day... I'm not.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, prot0n said:

I get your point, but have you ever had a friend and thought: "If she was single I wonder if things could work between us, but she's not, so let's just be friends."? It's just a thought. I'm not friend with her because I want to become more than a friend. I'm friend with her because her friendship makes me happy.

She's married so I wouldn't date her, not even if she was the one to ask me out. That would be wrong and it would ruin our friendship. I'm against cheating and I think if a relationship starts with cheating, it will probably end with cheating too.

And to be clear, it's not a sexual attraction. She's not bad looking, but it's not about sex. I love her as a person. I'm not much interested in sex, generally. Not completely asexual, but I don't care much.

So if you think I'm only friend with her because I hope to sleep with her one day... I'm not.

She's erring on the side of caution.I would -and have done -exactly the same thing because I am married and don't want even the appearance of boundary crossing. I have felt some attraction for platonic male friends. Just not enough to act on it, not enough that it affects the platonic part at all.  I'm fine if that's in the reverse as long as they don't act on it. If a platonic male friend wanted us to be "best friends" and I felt there was any attraction I'd do what she did.  Also I don't think it's generally appropriate for a male to tell a married female that.  Even if he feels it. I have had close platonic male friends confide in me personally and deeply - because of specific situations.  Where I could help or support but it was a one time or few time thing and not us being "BFF". For example - one of several!  - the newish husband of my close and dear friend confided in me after she passed away so very young in her 30s about his feelings, his grief, what he worried about now - I was a great person to be there for him because I knew his late wife for 20 years before he met her even. 

Even if I'd been married then I would have been there for him and gotten as personal about his grief as needed.  But we never were under the assumption that we were best friends and we never thought of dating (I mean I know it would have been incredibly weird if we had but stranger things have happened).

[boltnrun]

Two of my closest friends are married. I don't declare them to be my 'best friends' because I presume that role is filled by their spouses.

I'm not interested in dating them either, regardless if they were to become single. 

She may be pulling back because she senses your feelings toward her are more than platonic. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, prot0n said:

have you ever had a friend and thought: "If she was single I wonder if things could work between us, but she's not, so let's just be friends."?

Nope, can't say I have. 

The only time I have thought that was when I was indeed attracted to the male friend in question. I've never pondered what it would be like to date those I have no romantic attraction towards. 

Either way, she now realizes you are much more heavily invested in this friendship than she is, and she is taking space. I too think she recognizes that your feelings are deeper than platonic, even though you aren't quite ready to admit it yourself yet. All you can do is respect her need to put some healthy space here. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, prot0n said:

but have you ever had a friend and thought: "If she was single I wonder if things could work between us, but she's not, so let's just be friends.

Once, a long time ago. But I admitted to myself the reality of those feelings: non-platonic.  I respected her relationship and never acted on anything, I didn’t have any fantasies etc etc either. Turns out she felt the same and when her relationship ended she asked me out. 
 

1 hour ago, prot0n said:

So if you think I'm only friend with her because I hope to sleep with her one day... I'm not.

No, I don’t get that impression from your commentary at all. 
 

I get the impression you have feelings for her and are undermining the reality of them by continually calling those feelings “platonic”

 

I think you are capable of carrying on a platonic relationship with her and respecting she’s taken. I don’t think you have an ulterior motive, but I also don’t think your feelings overall are completely platonic and she probably is picking up on that. 
 

you can respect someone’s relationship and not want to be with them, while also admitting there’s a little something more running around in your mind. Because like I said earlier: I have several platonic female friends and not once have I thought about any of them, “oh if they were single we could be together”   Ages ago when I did have those feelings for a completely unrelated woman… it wasn’t platonic.  Does that make sense? 

[Coily]

Well OP, it's a conundrum with you on this. While you say you find her attractive and would date her, which is probably where she mistakenly thinks "best friends" is you r lead in, you also seem to know the boundaries better than she does. I think you opening up was probably more intense than she was ready for, and thought you were being clingy with the best friend talk.

You were probably in the good enough friend category to her, not a confidant/best friend. She likely, and foolishly, ascribes to the notion that only spouses can be their best friend.

She's spooked and pulling away. If she treats your friendship in such a disposable manner, then you know how much she values and respects you.

Two anecdotes. One of my best friends, I had a massive crush on her; when she put it all together, we had a talk, as she didn't feel the same. We became closer friends after that. A different friend who I didn't have any attraction to, after she got divorced she pulled away after I told her my lament of being lonely. After knowing me for 10 years on that topic of being lonely, she actively decided that I was hinting I wanted to date her and cut me out of her life.

[Cherylyn]

Only she knows why she is suddenly standoffish towards you.  It could be due to various reasons.  Perhaps she feels that you feel too close to her (even platonic) and you're too high maintenance.  Don't take it personally when she told you she already has a best friend.  As much as it stung,  at least she told you the truth.  Maybe she told her husband that you are too clingy and he advised her to keep her distance from you.  You don't know.  It really doesn't matter why though. 

I've heard it all about having opposite gender friends.  I get that.  However,  for many couples,  excessive texting with especially opposite gender friends (even platonic),  confiding too much and consuming a married friend's life with your life is smothering not to mention you need to respect the role of her husband and their marriage.  This picture is getting a bit crowded with you not knowing how to exercise self control and enforce healthy boundaries.  Since you don't have bounds,  she is doing it for you with her enforced boundaries with you.   

What I've learned from people no matter who they are is to always follow their cue.  If they feel comfortable and naturally close to me in a chummy way,  I tend to relax and do likewise.  If I sense they're deliberately distant,  cool and standoffish,  again,  I do likewise.  I no longer set myself for hurts or disappointment.  If they're avoiding me,  I'm certainly not going to make myself feel more awkward by forcing my way into their good graces.  No way.  I need to protect my feelings so I've gotten their message loud and clear by avoiding them, too.  I simply imitate how they are towards me. 

If we were close (no matter who they are) and we're no longer close,  then I behave accordingly.  Should our paths cross,  I'm respectful,  well mannered,  kind but not overly enthusiastically kind.  I just act natural without getting chummy.  I'm still nice but rather reserved.  It works.  This way,  the rapport is equal,  fair and balanced.  I will not do any more nor less than what the other person is willing or not willing to do for me. 

My expectations are not only lowered,  it's reduced to nil.  I've since learned to adapt and go with the flow.

If I sense a person doesn't wish to be bothered especially electronically,  I back off and give them a very wide berth.   If they come around and contact me,  I respond nicely and briefly but remain cautious and wary all the while. 

I treat myself with respect.  I no longer give of myself if the other person doesn't care much about me.  I go about my own way in life. 

 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but it seems like a high school girls level of drama:

- You are my best friend Jennifer.

- Nooooooooooo, my best friend is Tiffany!!!!!

Its so silly. You are hurt that you are not hers best friend? So what, people have various degrees of friendships. you are still closed friends. And for her to be "standoffish" after that like you admitted your love for her? Whole situation is just so silly and straight up from American TV high school drama lol

[Andrina]

I've never once called anyone my best friend because I know that friendships often evolve. Sometimes they strengthen, sometimes they peter out, sometimes they totally end, etc. There are so many variables in one's life, and people usually have limited leisure time, so they must choose their priorities.

The thing of it is, is that this is likely best for you, since all the emotional energy you've poured into her can now be eventually be redirected to someone who shares an equal interest in whatever type of relationship you want.

No, do not subject her to any more talk of what you think will rectify the situation. She'll probably see it as more of you being over invested, and you'll make things worse. I've never once said, "I can't lose this friend." With some of them, would I be upset if they drifted away?

Yes, and some have, but I've never tried to bargain, plead, convince them of staying friends on their terms, etc. When I lose I friend, I move on and then spend my time on other activities or with other friends. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. You can't see it now, but it's probably a blessing in disguise to scoot you in another direction that will be more satisfying for you.

 

 

[Siofra123]

I am commenting because I have a similar-ish situation. One of my guy best friends for a long time has been very very affectionate and makes it clear that he really cares about me, which is sweet and I care about him, but it became a little bit overwhelming for me. I got married, and my husband was wondering about this guy, and the things he would say to me. He would always ask me to meet up for dinner, for lunch, for a night out. I much rather to meet a group of friends all at once, as I do like to spend time with my husband at The Weekend when I can. It’s not anything against my friend, it’s just I suppose there’s other things that have a higher priority, and I found him asking me every single week to meet up was getting tiresome. I have a full time job etc and loads of other responsibilities, I don’t have the time I used to 10 years ago. Ask yourself if maybe there  was anything that you said that could have crossed a line for her. It’s lovely that she has a friend who cares so much, I would say maybe give her a bit of breathing space.