Age gap causing problems in my relationships

[Rusaway]

I have been dating my now boyfriend for about 6 months. I am 24, he is 33. There is obviously an age gap and I know that automatically makes some people concerned and parents are at the top of that list. I know the concerns are manipulation, maturity level and all of that. I do not feel like those are concerns at my age, if I was like 19 I think that would be different but I don’t think this particular age gap should be an issue but please feel free to disagree.  I have always liked older guys, idk why.

 

I finally told my parents who I was dating. I knew they would not like it and would be upset. I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was and they would be ok after some time. Since telling them they have met him 3 times. The first time my father interrogated like I was 16 him and it was super embarrassing. Other times he was just an AH. We have gotten into arguments about this. I told them I am not breaking up with him anytime soon, that this is not their relationship and they don’t get a say. I told them if they can’t at least be cordial to him I would stop bringing him over, which I did. 

 

This has caused tension in my relationship. They are all at a stage where none of them like each other and it is so stressful. If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me. It has been damaging to our relationship and we have gotten into several slight arguments about it. Then when I am around my parents they make it unpleasant and put pressure on me. 

 

I am not doing drugs, not committing crimes, about to finish school and I work so I feel like they are being really dramatic and they have threatened to cut me off. That is fine, it’s their money but if you are truly concerned for my safety why take these steps? They have not given him a chance at all.

[Wiseman2]

Were you your parents ever ok with you dating? Or is it this particular man? The age gap is not that outrageous. 

[Cherylyn]

Well,  I agree,  it is their money.  You need to decide if dating your boyfriend is worth getting financially cut off by your parents.   It's your choice.

[Rusaway]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you your parents ever ok with you dating? Or is it this particular man? The age gap is not that outrageous. 

This particular guy. I don’t think it is that big of a deal either and he is great.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Rusaway said:

. If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me. 

Unfortunately unless you can finance your own education and place to live, this BF is just causing problems for you. Is there a struggle with rebellion vis-a-vis your parents?

[MissCanuck]

This age gap is nothing alarming. You're both adults and your parents are being ridiculous. 

Having said that, your boyfriend is also being unreasonable. They are your parents and will always be, and I would have a problem with this behaviour out of him:

1 hour ago, Rusaway said:

If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me.

While I don't think your parents are being sane about this, I would personally not sacrifice my relationship with them for someone who behaves as your boyfriend does. You desribe your boyfriend as "great", but I don't quite agree. If he were, he would understand that while he's right to be upset about how they treat him, it's unrealistic and inappropriate to cause problems if you speak to them. He doesn't have the right to give you grief for that. 

Maybe your parents are seeing something in him that you haven't quite woken up to yet. 

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, Rusaway said:

I have been dating my now boyfriend for about 6 months. I am 24, he is 33. There is obviously an age gap and I know that automatically makes some people concerned and parents are at the top of that list. I know the concerns are manipulation, maturity level and all of that. I do not feel like those are concerns at my age, if I was like 19 I think that would be different but I don’t think this particular age gap should be an issue but please feel free to disagree.  I have always liked older guys, idk why.

 

I finally told my parents who I was dating. I knew they would not like it and would be upset. I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was and they would be ok after some time. Since telling them they have met him 3 times. The first time my father interrogated like I was 16 him and it was super embarrassing. Other times he was just an AH. We have gotten into arguments about this. I told them I am not breaking up with him anytime soon, that this is not their relationship and they don’t get a say. I told them if they can’t at least be cordial to him I would stop bringing him over, which I did. 

 

This has caused tension in my relationship. They are all at a stage where none of them like each other and it is so stressful. If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me. It has been damaging to our relationship and we have gotten into several slight arguments about it. Then when I am around my parents they make it unpleasant and put pressure on me. 

 

I am not doing drugs, not committing crimes, about to finish school and I work so I feel like they are being really dramatic and they have threatened to cut me off. That is fine, it’s their money but if you are truly concerned for my safety why take these steps? They have not given him a chance at all.

Your boyfriend is feeling a lot of hurt over this, so go easy on him.

The age gap is significant, but not impossible. 

You are an adult. You are capable of making your own decisions.

This doesn't really have to do with your boyfriend.

This is lack of trust and faith in your judgements and decision making by your parents.

It's one thing for them to be concerned and to let you know, it's another to sabatage your relationship, punish you and make your life bad.

It does sound like you need to consider staying away from them until they can start respecting your choices and your decisions. 

[Batya33]

I don't find the age gap alarming at all.  I would probe more about why they don't like this guy - and I love the post that points out that his behavior in this situation is concerning.  If your parents are going to be picky about who you're allowed to be involved with -meaning beyond not wanting obvious harm to come to you - then decide if the $$$ is worth it.

When I was in my mid 20s I lived at home rent free for grad school as my parents genereously wanted to help me not go into even more debt. My parents even gave me a small weekly allowance.  The first time we had an argument where my dad acted controlling to put it mildly I told him -no more allowance.  I wanted to decrease the dependence and the financial ties.  (No I didn't move out - it wasn't that bad). 

You have to figure out if your parents have truly valid concerns -maybe they're worried if they give you $ and you are with him he'll control how it's spent etc and it won't be a good situation.

[SherrySher]

How bad have your parents been to him?

I ask that because of how he reacts to them phoning you.

If they have been really offensive towards him, then no wonder he is upset when they call.

Mind you, most people would end the relationship if it became that mush of a distress with the parents rather than to control if their partner speaks to them, or not.

I do understand from his side though, (not saying it's okay), but it would be hard to be kicked in the teeth and smile when they phone.

I'm sorry you have to be in the middle of this, OP. It must be difficult to love them all and want peace but have this upset going on and feeling pulled on both ends.

Best I can advise, is to have a talk with your parents on why they have such a problem with him, and if there is anyway to resolve things where it's not a constant battle.

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, Rusaway said:

If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me.

Even as your parents have made it clear they don't support your relationship with your bf, he should not be punishing you for wanting to retain a connection to them. 

11 hours ago, Rusaway said:

I know the concerns are manipulation, maturity level

I don't understand this statement. Can you expand on this? I don't know if this is your parents opinion about what his flaws are, or something else. What is his relationship history? Does he have a solid career? Is he financially stable? What are both his good traits and bad as far as being your romantic partner? What do your friends think of your man?

There are books you can read about establishing boundaries with people. You can teach people how to treat you by learning the skills to do this. Not only do the boundaries need to be set up with your parents, but also with your bf.

Without more info from you, we don't know enough to understand if your parents are totally unreasonable, or if they see huge red flags and are panicking.

[smackie9]

He's not that great of a BF if he's being passive/aggressive/up set with you if you talk to your parents on the phone. He's being as much as a jerk as your parents are. Your parents are being unreasonable for sure, but that doesn't excuse your BF's behavior. They are still your parents, and he needs to respect that.

You cannot control how your parents feel. If they threaten you, do better and cut yourself off from their funding and stand on your own two feet. You are an adult, you make your own decisions, do what's best for you. 

[Rusaway]

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

How bad have your parents been to him?

I ask that because of how he reacts to them phoning you.

If they have been really offensive towards him, then no wonder he is upset when they call.

Mind you, most people would end the relationship if it became that mush of a distress with the parents rather than to control if their partner speaks to them, or not.

I do understand from his side though, (not saying it's okay), but it would be hard to be kicked in the teeth and smile when they phone.

I'm sorry you have to be in the middle of this, OP. It must be difficult to love them all and want peace but have this upset going on and feeling pulled on both ends.

Best I can advise, is to have a talk with your parents on why they have such a problem with him, and if there is anyway to resolve things where it's not a constant battle.

They have been really rude to him. I feel like I am a teenager again. I told him things that I probably should not have about talks when he wasn’t around. I think their only real problem with him is the age gap and they made assumptions from that.

[Batya33]

Just now, Rusaway said:

They have been really rude to him. I feel like I am a teenager again. I told him things that I probably should not have about talks when he wasn’t around. I think their only real problem with him is the age gap and they made assumptions from that.

And assumptions from what you shared?

[Rusaway]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Even as your parents have made it clear they don't support your relationship with your bf, he should not be punishing you for wanting to retain a connection to them. 

I don't understand this statement. Can you expand on this? I don't know if this is your parents opinion about what his flaws are, or something else. What is his relationship history? Does he have a solid career? Is he financially stable? What are both his good traits and bad as far as being your romantic partner? What do your friends think of your man?

There are books you can read about establishing boundaries with people. You can teach people how to treat you by learning the skills to do this. Not only do the boundaries need to be set up with your parents, but also with your bf.

Without more info from you, we don't know enough to understand if your parents are totally unreasonable, or if they see huge red flags and are panicking.

I just mean that the whole idea of why people should avoid age gap relationships is because of potential manipulation, maturity levels, and power imbalance and these are all assumptions they have made only because of our age gap. He has a really good career, but has been divorced and my parents don’t like that. My friends like him fine and I really haven’t seen any major bad traits, though I’m sure he has some like everyone else.

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately, as long as you are financially supported by your parents they will feel they have a say in how you conduct your life.

Moving out and supporting yourself financially would be a huge step in removing their influence. Regardless if this relationship lasts or not. 

[Rusaway]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately, as long as you are financially supported by your parents they will feel they have a say in how you conduct your life.

Moving out and supporting yourself financially would be a huge step in removing their influence. Regardless if this relationship lasts or not. 

I am just about to graduate

[redswim30]

13 hours ago, Rusaway said:

I have been dating my now boyfriend for about 6 months. I am 24, he is 33. There is obviously an age gap and I know that automatically makes some people concerned and parents are at the top of that list. I know the concerns are manipulation, maturity level and all of that. I do not feel like those are concerns at my age, if I was like 19 I think that would be different but I don’t think this particular age gap should be an issue but please feel free to disagree.  I have always liked older guys, idk why.

 

I finally told my parents who I was dating. I knew they would not like it and would be upset. I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was and they would be ok after some time. Since telling them they have met him 3 times. The first time my father interrogated like I was 16 him and it was super embarrassing. Other times he was just an AH. We have gotten into arguments about this. I told them I am not breaking up with him anytime soon, that this is not their relationship and they don’t get a say. I told them if they can’t at least be cordial to him I would stop bringing him over, which I did. 

 

This has caused tension in my relationship. They are all at a stage where none of them like each other and it is so stressful. If I take a call with one of them my bf gets passive aggressive and upset with me. It has been damaging to our relationship and we have gotten into several slight arguments about it. Then when I am around my parents they make it unpleasant and put pressure on me. 

 

I am not doing drugs, not committing crimes, about to finish school and I work so I feel like they are being really dramatic and they have threatened to cut me off. That is fine, it’s their money but if you are truly concerned for my safety why take these steps? They have not given him a chance at all.

What a mess.   Age gaps are only an issue if people MAKE THEM an issue, and this "gap" isn't even that much.  Also, it's dumb for people to make it an issue if you are both over 21.   You can easily be the SAME AGE and have tons of issues.  

My husband is older than me and we are perfect for each other.  My first husband was the same age as me, and we were a disaster. 

I'll cut to the chase.  Your parents are wrong.  I don't blame your boyfriend for being upset.  They treated you both like you are children when you are not- that is both controlling and condescending. 

You have a decision to make.   Is it worth to you to let your parents control your life?  Or do you feel you are capable of making your own choices about who you date without needing your parents approval as if you are a child? 

IMO, if your parents would "cut you off", that speaks a LOT to them wanting control over you and your decisions.  Taking your BF completely out of this, is that how you want your future to look?  Your parents threatening you and being aggressive any time you make a choice that they disagree with? 

Sorry but they are wrong,  and your BF has every right to feel upset.  He doesn't deserve to be treated this way.   If you don't do something, he will get tired of it.  

You either-  

Stand up to your parents now and try to salvage things 

Don't stand up to your parents and lose your BF in the process, thereby also telling your parents that at 24 years old, they control you. 

Wait til the next guy you date that they don't like or decision they don't like and have them act controlling and aggressive again 

The choice is yours. 

This isn't about your BF-  it's about your parents treating you like a child that they can manipulate and control.  But you aren't a child, you are a 24 year old woman.  You need to decide what's more important to you- their money or feeling in control of your own life without needing their approval. 

But make no mistake- whether or not this BF sticks isn't the main issue.  You are setting a precedent with your parents for how you ALLOW them to treat you.  This outcome will follow you, whether you stay with this BF or not.   Choose wisely. 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, Rusaway said:

I am just about to graduate

What is your plan once you graduate? Do you have leads on jobs in your field of study? How about housing? Can you afford your own place? How about renting a room if your own place isn't feasible?

I don't recommend moving in with your boyfriend as long as this conflict exists. 

[redswim30]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Having said that, your boyfriend is also being unreasonable. They are your parents and will always be, and I would have a problem with this behaviour out of him:

While I don't think your parents are being sane about this, I would personally not sacrifice my relationship with them for someone who behaves as your boyfriend does. You desribe your boyfriend as "great", but I don't quite agree. If he were, he would understand that while he's right to be upset about how they treat him, it's unrealistic and inappropriate to cause problems if you speak to them. He doesn't have the right to give you grief for that. 

 

I totally disagree. (except for her parents not behaving sanely - I agree with you there)   It's fine if her parents have CONCERNS.  Then I'd agree with you.  But it's NOT just that. 

When she brought her BF over, in her words- her father interrogated him.  I don't know any reasonable adult that wouldn't be upset and offended by that, I certainly would. 

It's also not just her BF, who in her own words- they couldn't even be cordial to on 3 separate occasion.  That's pretty bad, even if they dislike him, they couldn't be simply cordial?  They are treating her aggressively when she is there on her OWN as well, which is NOT being kind or supportive parents.  And in that situation, as someone's partner- I wouldn't respect them for this, either.   It's one thing for her parents to express concern with love.  It's another to bully and threaten her with cutting her off. 

IMO, Parents aren't always right simply because they are parents.  I believe they are handling this completely wrong and are responding with manipulation and control tactics, not with loving concern and care.  I don't believe parents that emotionally blackmail their children SHOULD always remain in their lives or try and control their adult child when they make a choice that they disagree with.  They aren't "right" simply because they are the parents. 

I think her BF is responding as most reasonable people in his circumstance would. 

Regardless of whether this relationship lasts or not, if she caves to their emotional manipulation and blackmail, her parents will believe they can control her life.  

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

They are still your parents, and he needs to respect that.

You cannot control how your parents feel. If they threaten you, do better and cut yourself off from their funding and stand on your own two feet. You are an adult, you make your own decisions, do what's best for you. 

Hard disagree with the first statement.  He doesn't need to respect them when they've treated him so shamefully.  Had they treated him half decently, maybe- but they didn't.  You can't treat someone like garbage and then expect them to respect YOU, no matter their relationship.  The fact that they didn't consider how their actions would impact their daughter's feelings or create problems for her speaks volumes.  In his shoes, I wouldn't like them or like when they called either.   Being her parents didn't give them the right to treat him that way.  Nor does he owe them respect. 

Second statement I agree with.  They feel how they feel.  She needs to decide if she cares more about their feelings than her own. 

[Cherylyn]

Your parents control the purse strings.  "He who has the gold,  makes the rules."  Sad but true.  If you don't approve of what your parents are doing regarding cutting off finances,  then seek your own financial independence and freedom away from your parents. 

Sure,  it's a matter of right or wrong and principle but it sounds like your parents won't budge economically so you're the one who has to make changes for economics to be in your favor.  Your own money will give you independence and your own rules.  This is the harsh reality of the situation.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

IMO, Parents aren't always right simply because they are parents

Where did I say that?  I think you need to read my post again. You seemed to have  misunderstood most of what I wrote. 

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I think her BF is responding as most reasonable people in his circumstance would

By starting fights with her when she talks to her own parents? I personally don't find that reasonable at all. It's one thing if he wants no direct contact with them. But being passive-aggressive when she talks to them isn't right either. That puts even more needless strain on the situation. Is she supposed to never speak to them when he is around? Come on. 

In my view, both the parents and the boyfriend are behaving poorly here. Both could be doing better, even if they want nothing to do with the other. They don't have to like or respect each other, but they doesn't give her boyfriend a license to be a jerk to her about it.

[Rusaway]

I am starting another job soon that will be better financially. I totally get his feelings but yeah, I wish he would just let me deal with it. It is just my parents who are doing this and he is acting this way when I talk to other members of my family like my siblings. 

[Andrina]

20 minutes ago, Rusaway said:

I totally get his feelings but yeah, I wish he would just let me deal with it. It is just my parents who are doing this and he is acting this way when I talk to other members of my family like my siblings. 

Well, that's alarming. Perhaps if you've been used to being controlled by your parents, that subconsciously, you chose a partner who is also controlling because that sort of dysfunction feels "normal" to you. Psychology is a strange thing.

Trying to isolate you from those you love is controlling.

Read a book and articles on establishing boundaries. Let people know the rules of remaining in your life and the consequences when they don't play by your rules. 

[boltnrun]

34 minutes ago, Rusaway said:

he is acting this way when I talk to other members of my family like my siblings. 

What's his excuse for this? Are your siblings being rude to him?