Online dating help

[Coily]

So a few things come to mind. Probably building off the above conversations, but I'm in an executive summary mood today.

The game of wait before responding, it trash. If they think you are too eager to have a conversation, then that's on them not you. If you want to chat, don't hesitate.

Rushing head long into a coffee date or any other meet up after two brief conversations is a little silly. There needs to be rapport, sometimes this takes a week, maybe two; now express interest in meeting as soon as there is an opening; but don't turn up the pressure to fit into a time frame. Dating has it's own schedule, you and your date are the only two who can set it.

You seem to be painting yourself with red flags, rather than her. So you need to make peace with yourself, as that may lead to inadvertent self sabotage. 

OLD is a rough game regardless, as there are just as many people looking for a relationship are there are those looking to have a penpal. The best advice is do what you feel comfortable with, if they can't or won't keep up; think a few choice words and move on to greener pastures.

 

[waffle]

18 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I thought about sending her something a little silly like I have done before, and say to her… “You know, you probably might have questions… So I will give you five free answers… To any questions that you can come up with, and I’ll try to answer them as honestly and ask completely as I can… OK, go…!“  See how that goes.

 

The above will fail because giving her homework (coming up with questions to ask you) is putting pressure on her and what's in it for her?  I'd skip out too.

You're way overthinking this and trying too hard.  Actually you're trying too hard to look as if you're not trying--referring to the game-playing of trying not to respond too soon.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I think those are all reasonable ideas, but a couple of clarifications… I think my messages with her really clearly showed interest, maybe not directly, but indirectly… Like… “Nice to see you on here“… joking with her… Asking her questions, etc.  They were two generally nice messages that both of us sent to each other.

For clarification, I went back and looked. It was only 24 hours that I waited to get back to her, not 48. I don’t think that should send any indication of lack of interest, do you?  Also, her messages were 24 hours to respond to both, as well.

I also noticed that she did not ask any questions in her second message, like she did in her first message… She paid me a compliment regarding my profile, then she asked me what kind of work I did. No questions in the second one, just banter. I wonder if that shows a waning interest?

Plus, I have every intention of getting back to her, so I’m not bailing out after two messages. I’m just trying to gather my strategy before I do.

 

 

The only sign of interest in meeting I found relevant was either suggesting a phone call to see if we should meet or sending me his number in response to my message saying let's talk and see if it makes sense to meet.  I didn't look for interest in me romantically or anything -just interest in speaking to see if it made sense to meet.  Then when we met if there was interest in seeing each other again for a real date he would ask me out either then or call me to ask me out on a real date.

If a stranger wanted to play fun games emailing back and forth with questions etc I'd bow out since I was there to meet people in person to see if we should go on a date, not have a chat buddy - I've had online pen pals for over 20 years -all women - and I'm sure we sent each other fun quizzes like that.  That's not why I had a profile on a dating site.  

Edited to add -I did email /chat back and forth with one man I ended up dating for a few months.  The first time we messaged he stopped messaging and I'm not even sure we had a phone call.  Then a couple of weeks later maybe he contacted me or me him -I don't remember- he apologized for going MIA and I just do not remember why we didn't make a plan right away to meet  (if we had to delay meeting because of a vacation or trip I'd not message before it was time to confirm time/place) - and I don't remember why I made the exception.  We had loads of fun chatting and we had great chemistry when we met.

I never would have known the dealbreakers related to his mental health and his lifestyle from any of the before-meeting chatting.  Had I known of those in advance I'd not have met him even though I had a great time chatting and we had fun in person too.  I don't particularly regret that I chatted before hand -I definitely got a bit more attached before we met which is a downside.

[Whirling D]

Ok… seems like the general consensus is that I should just wear the big boy pants and ask to meet her.

So I did.  

Now I’m regretting it a bit.  But it is what it is.  
 

My gut told me we hadn’t really caught a vibe yet, and asking her out was premature.  Just a hunch.

But what will be will be…

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Ok… seems like the general consensus is that I should just wear the big boy pants and ask to meet her.

So I did.  

Now I’m regretting it a bit.  But it is what it is.  
 

My gut told me we hadn’t really caught a vibe yet, and asking her out was premature.  Just a hunch.

But what will be will be…

Did you ask her out? Or did you ask to meet up somewhere for coffee?

Big difference between "Want to continue this conversation over a coffee? I know a great coffee shop we can meet up at" and "Would you like to go out to dinner?" I agree a date is premature, but asking for a coffee meet isn't. 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 

it’s also worthy to note that this lady seems to be online about once a day… And usually mid evening,

I find it a little ironic that you were playing games about how much time should elapse before you answer her messages,  while simultaneously being on top of her online activities to the extent that you know how long and what time she is generally online.

Be real!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 ask to meet her. SoI did.  Now I’m regretting it a bit.  

Did she accept? See what happens in person. That way you can determine if it's worth chitchatting any longer. If it's going to work out it's because there's mutual chemistry, not because of asking her to meet sooner rather than later.

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Did you ask her out? Or did you ask to meet up somewhere for coffee?

Big difference between "Want to continue this conversation over a coffee? I know a great coffee shop we can meet up at" and "Would you like to go out to dinner?" I agree a date is premature, but asking for a coffee meet isn't. 

I said it would be nice to meet her for a beverage or a bite… Maybe the Saturday or Sunday after I return… pretty straightforward. Not too intense.  Left off with a silly unrelated observation.

I shouldn’t worry (although I often do…) whether I said too little or too much.  It is what it is.  If she seems interested, she’ll get back to me… but I’m getting a sinking feeling.

Yes, I have been checking in to see when she read it, and she read it within the last half hour, but no response.  I suspect a ghost, but it’s too early.  I’ll tell you, if it was me getting a nice offer to meet, if I even had a moderate interest, I’d be writing back pronto.

So, I suspect, as usual, I’ll end up disappointed.

I’m confident enough to think that nothing I did or said should have really made that much difference.  She either likes my photos, enjoyed the vibe I was trying to present, or she doesn’t.  I suspect there’s a lot of guys that have a lot more typical American male characteristics than I do, so what woman with her background wouldn’t want to peruse those options first?  Seems like a no brainer.  She’s a doctor.  My current life status is low on the social ladder.

Yeah, there will probably be a lot of people that think I blew it by this or that.  I don’t really think so. If the girl really seemed to like what I had to offer, she would be around and responding. 

One would think that someday some nice lady will see my photos, and read the good-natured and a little bit silly things that I write, and find them attractive enough to not just like my profile and then disappear after a note or two.  

i’m not holding my breath about it.  I start to forget about dating for a while and I begin to stabilize, and then I start enjoying other things in life… And then something like this comes along where a nice lady shows interest, and then disappears. And then I feel heartbroken all over again.  Ughhh…

[boltnrun]

My husband told me I was the first person EVER to laugh at his jokes. He said everyone else looked at him funny. He was in a rock band that had a local following and played at parties but he couldn't find any girls who wanted to date him. Until me. I thought he was silly, funny, a bit goofy and sort of adorable. I found it endearing that he had basically zero experience with girls. I liked his blond hair, his blue eyes and his slightly crooked nose. 

You found someone before who likes what you have to offer. It may take some time but you have a good chance of finding another woman who appreciates your unique qualities. Just try not to let some woman who you didn't even know existed a week ago wreck your life. 

[Whirling D]

Crap… Now I am triggered again. Traumatized a bit by something stupid. A nice lady gives a glance in my direction, which virtually never happens, says hi, then disappears, and now I feel back to square -5,000,000.

I just went back and read our entire exchange, and I don’t believe there is anything in there that would warrant a ghosting… But that seems to still be what I constantly get.

Although I am not her, and I can’t say how anybody else would respond to what I write, but I usually try to be warm and engaged and a bit silly. That’s the kind of thing that almost every dating coach says girls like. It’s what I, myself, would find charming and fun.

That’s why I constantly say to people, and my own therapist, that I just don’t think I’m built for the culture in which I live. Or, I just don’t have the look that the kind of lady I want to attract finds attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and as a bunch of you here have said, I can always cut my hair, and get a better job, yada yada yada. 
 

Niceness and decency don’t yield results where I am, unless you’re 6 feet tall, broad shouldered, have a chiseled jaw, or earn a lot of money. That’s just the way it is. I don’t think it’s necessarily this way in other parts of the world, or even of the US. But I hear story after story from guys I know who have no trouble getting dates. I can’t get a date if my life depends on it. If it has anything to do with what I say or what I write, then it just comes from having a different language.  Somewhere in the world, maybe in a different part of the US, there would be people that think that how I look, the things that I like, or think about, or write, is charming and valuable.  It’s just not happening where I live, and it almost never has. I’m getting fed up with it, and it’s feeding into my constant anger at the lot in life that seems to constantly be heading my way.  I’m kind of pissed.  

I kind of wish this girl had never reached out. If she wasn’t willing to follow through, what’s the point?  What does this say… That she might’ve liked what I said on my profile, and she might’ve liked my pictures, but then when she found out I was a lowly public teacher and I’m not fully employed right now that maybe she had second thoughts? She didn’t like my brand of humor?  She didn’t like the fact that it took me a day to get back to her?  What?  There was zero in our interaction that should have been a turn off, except for maybe I was a bit more enthusiastic than her comfort level might have wanted.  Who knows.

Just great.

Can you tell I’m triggered? Can’t imagine you don’t.

 

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband told me I was the first person EVER to laugh at his jokes. He said everyone else looked at him funny. He was in a rock band that had a local following and played at parties but he couldn't find any girls who wanted to date him. Until me. I thought he was silly, funny, a bit goofy and sort of adorable. I found it endearing that he had basically zero experience with girls. I liked his blond hair, his blue eyes and his slightly crooked nose. 

You found someone before who likes what you have to offer. It may take some time but you have a good chance of finding another woman who appreciates your unique qualities. Just try not to let some woman who you didn't even know existed a week ago wreck your life. 

Thanks for the encouragement, Bolt.

you are right. This girl isn’t going to wreck my life. It just is going to set me back for a while, and likely make me feel even less hope that I’ll find somebody that I like who likes me back.

I’m not getting any younger, and I’m starting to feel like I need to change what I am hoping for, which has never worked out well for me. I just can’t pretend to feel like I’m really into somebody if I’m not. And it just doesn’t feel right.

yes, I have found a few girls when I was younger that were into who I am, but they ended up being disasters… They weren’t good choices for me, and there was even deceit and manipulation on their part to get me to pay attention to them, which then changed after we knew each other for a while.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around day-to-day feeling sorry for myself all day long. I try to move forward, and this will be no different… But when does it end? I see all kinds of bonehead men that can attract these nice girls, and these girls put up with their boneheadedness, why? Because these boneheads are tall and manly, perhaps make some decent money, and make them feel secure. I’m not likely going to be making anyone feel secure anytime soon. My bad.  
 

The reasons that these guys get dates is not because they are any nicer than I am. It’s not because I am not nice, or kind, or decent, or pleasant. It’s strictly my physical appearance, and I’ve proven that over and over and over, over many years. 

And so many people, including my own therapist, say that this is just a fallacy that I’ve created in my own head. Yeah, right. I’ll buy that.  So that means I just must not be a nice guy.   That’s gotta be it.  Right.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 she read it within the last half hour, but no response. 

1/2 hour is not ghosting. However you seem to have convinced yourself she's out of your league.

[Whirling D]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

1/2 hour is not ghosting. However you seem to have convinced yourself she's out of your league.

Maybe because I’ve encountered this outcome time and time again? From women that weren’t nearly the status of a doctor?  You’ve already heard some of my stories before.  It happens over and over and over.

And what you say is true. It’s only been a half an hour. But she logged off, and based on the last handful of days I have been writing to her, she won’t be back on until tomorrow night, so if somebody asks you out and you don’t respond even with a “thanks for the invite, let me get back to you on that“, that seems pretty clear that they’re gone.

What I am feeling is a trauma response. Where does trauma come from? It comes from repeated experiences that are detrimental to one’s own mental health.  I don’t believe this is self created. I believe there’s only so much rejection and isolation that a person can withstand before they start to lose their mental stability.  I think that’s kind of a fact of social conditioning.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

What I am feeling is a trauma response. 

Try to reframe it as disappointing. This is a couple of days of messaging a stranger on an app. Trauma is a divorce or serious accident. Maybe address the anxiety?

[Whirling D]

I’ll sign off tonight by reiterating this story that I conveyed on a post a year or two ago on here.

I have been on dating sites for years, and have almost pretty much never gotten many responses at all, ever.

So, about 20 years ago, back in the early days of dating sites, I did an experiment. I had almost the exact same write up that I have now, and I had a couple of pretty decent pictures, but was getting, literally, no responses. None.

I did something rather diabolical with my experiment… I went to the same dating site from a city on the other side of the country, and I lifted a picture of an average looking guy, but a little more typical than I am, and I put that single picture on my site and took mine off.  This fellow wasn’t a hunk, or buff, he just looked like your average kind of geeky guy. Middle of the road.  Nothing else changed on the profile except for that picture.  
 

By the morning, I probably had 50 responses, many from seemingly really nice women that I would love to be able to have a chance to go out with.

Do you really try to want to convince me now it’s all in my head?

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to reframe it as disappointing. This is a couple of days of messaging a stranger on an app. Trauma is a divorce or serious accident. Maybe address the anxiety?

The anxiety I feel is a trigger response from trauma. Maybe not PTSD like someone would have after coming home from a war, but people have trauma from all kinds of different things. I could write a book on the topic.

I get trauma triggered in situations like this, probably because it happens over and over and over again and the result is always the same, almost regardless of what I do or don’t do. Niceness and decency doesn’t fit into the equation. Never has. I’m starting to lose those things because of it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

 because it happens over and over and over again and the result is always the same, 

Change things up. Discontinue the silly banter. Get on higher quality dating apps.

.Paid relationship -focused apps and paid age group-focused apps have more women than men. "eHarmony has 15,500,000 members, 47% men and 53% women".

If you want different results you'll need different approaches. Free sites have up to 80% men, especially hookup apps.

You'll also need to set a date sooner rather than later and be willing to spring for a cup of coffee.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Ok… seems like the general consensus is that I should just wear the big boy pants and ask to meet her.

So I did.  

Now I’m regretting it a bit.  But it is what it is.  
 

My gut told me we hadn’t really caught a vibe yet, and asking her out was premature.  Just a hunch.

But what will be will be…

Don't ask out strangers.  Arrange a first meet -it's not a date -ask her out on a date if the first meet goes well  enough to warrant seeing her again.  Unless you prefer to date online -then it's premature if you believe in typing and talking as "online dating" but it's not relevant to whether you will click in real life for real life dating.  Also premature if you are honest with yourself and prefer flirting/chatting online with someone whose online persona attracts you -it's fun and light and can feel like you're putting yourself out there at a time when you're not ready to date.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Whirling D said:

The anxiety I feel is a trigger response from trauma. Maybe not PTSD like someone would have after coming home from a war, but people have trauma from all kinds of different things. I could write a book on the topic.

I get trauma triggered in situations like this, probably because it happens over and over and over again and the result is always the same, almost regardless of what I do or don’t do. Niceness and decency doesn’t fit into the equation. Never has. I’m starting to lose those things because of it.

It depends what you mean by niceness and where your niceness comes from - meaning is it about people pleasing/insecurities or a place of confidence?  The other day I offered to message someone on my moms group a link to a good airbnb in a city she's traveling to.  I found the link and did.  It was just nice on my part -I have no affiliation with the airbnb.  A few days later another mom commented on the same thread -can you send me the link too.  Um, no I didn't feel like going back into my messages, finding the link and forwarding it once this person decided to message me.  I'm not 'that" nice.  So I commented "I sent it to [other mom] perhaps you can ask her to forward it".  

Don't rationalize being a jerk because of some notion that being a good person doesn't get you anywhere.  Being a good person often means doing invisible things that no one even knows or senses.  I have to do that all the time for my child and husband. 

Do they actually notice the fresh towels, the clean microwave, the refilled hand soap/the restocked brand of apple juice only my husband drinks? That my phone is always pinging with reminders for appointments/insurance form deadlines/school activities so that husband doesn't have to remind himself? They would if I felt the need to point out "see I'm such a good person - I restocked the bathroom/fridge/called the handyman to fix ___ and remembered it's teacher appreciation week and all while you were sleeping!!!" I don't because I feel it's my responsibility as a spouse/parent to do these things and hopefully without complaining about adulting.

Be a good person/be decent/ do the right thing when it's really hard and without expecting a reward.  Or even acnowledgement.  

I see and experience small and large kindnesses all the time.  And act in kind.  I would not have married someone who wasn't like that and I suspect that is typical.

If you feel dating triggers you to that extent I'd reconsider dating.

[Whirling D]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It depends what you mean by niceness and where your niceness comes from - meaning is it about people pleasing/insecurities or a place of confidence?  The other day I offered to message someone on my moms group a link to a good airbnb in a city she's traveling to.  I found the link and did.  It was just nice on my part -I have no affiliation with the airbnb.  A few days later another mom commented on the same thread -can you send me the link too.  Um, no I didn't feel like going back into my messages, finding the link and forwarding it once this person decided to message me.  I'm not 'that" nice.  So I commented "I sent it to [other mom] perhaps you can ask her to forward it".  

Don't rationalize being a jerk because of some notion that being a good person doesn't get you anywhere.  Being a good person often means doing invisible things that no one even knows or senses.  I have to do that all the time for my child and husband. 

Do they actually notice the fresh towels, the clean microwave, the refilled hand soap/the restocked brand of apple juice only my husband drinks? That my phone is always pinging with reminders for appointments/insurance form deadlines/school activities so that husband doesn't have to remind himself? They would if I felt the need to point out "see I'm such a good person - I restocked the bathroom/fridge/called the handyman to fix ___ and remembered it's teacher appreciation week and all while you were sleeping!!!" I don't because I feel it's my responsibility as a spouse/parent to do these things and hopefully without complaining about adulting.

Be a good person/be decent/ do the right thing when it's really hard and without expecting a reward.  Or even acnowledgement.  

I see and experience small and large kindnesses all the time.  And act in kind.  I would not have married someone who wasn't like that and I suspect that is typical.

If you feel dating triggers you to that extent I'd reconsider dating.

Interesting question, Bat. Niceness.

Well, I grew up within a culture that is known for being a kinder gentler people. Where I currently live is not at all that way. My mother, who lived where I am for four years, said it is the most unfriendly and detached place she has ever lived, within many many places that we as a family lived while I was growing up. 

she points out that she the entire time she was here, she never once got to know any neighbors on either side of us. Ever. Was never invited over, was never spoken to out on the street.  After my parents moved away, I lived in a house for 17 years in a very thick residential area surrounded by houses, and the entire 17 years that I was there I only said hi to one fellow who lived in a small attached apartment next to my driveway. He was the only neighbor I ever even saw, let alone spoke to. That was limited to “hi, how are you“ that was it. 17 years of living in an affluent neighborhood in an urban area, and I could only tell you that I spoke to one person in my entire neighborhood the whole time I was there. That’s not kinder gentler. That’s guarded and withdrawn.

It’s a cultural difference. People down here have to contend with millions of other people within a very small amount of space, whereas where I grew up was small town and rural, so people had to learn to adapt and appreciate the people that were nearby, when they could.

When I visit the place that I grew up, I can see what it means to be a kinder gentler people. For example, when you go into an establishment there, people talk to you, and smile with friendliness, and ask you questions about yourself, and it feels that they care about who you are and want to know you.

Although nothing is universal, I don’t feel that nearly as much, sometimes at all, where I live.  It’s very competitive where I live, and you are often judged by how popular you are, or your pecking order in the neighborhood. Who knows, since I haven’t lived anywhere else as an adult, I don’t know if I would suffer the same difficulties if I lived elsewhere. I get the feeling I would not, though.

To me, niceness means that you are polite and friendly with everyone that you meet, almost regardless of their social status, income or friendliness. I feel like that’s part of who I am, it’s not something I try to do. My natural inclination is to want to talk to people, and ask them questions, and smile when I greet people, and be polite and often a little goofy.

That’s exactly how I have conveyed myself within my online presence. Why would I want to change that, just because I’m not getting any hits? I want to try to pretend to be somebody that I’m not?

I suspect many guys on the dating sites present themselves as being nice and a bit goofy. But most of them who have success have things I don’t… Height, broad shoulders, perhaps more personality… More of an alpha male personality.  I have zero of that, and I think it’s pretty easy to see the moment you lay eyes on me.

I definitely have an alpha personality once I get to know my tribe, but definitely not upon first meeting. I do have the capacity to be somewhat shy and reserved, but that does not mean I am not friendly, cheerful and polite. I am definitely on the soft-spoken side, and probably don’t present as someone who would make very many women feel safe and secure, which is what almost all dating coaches say is among the most attractive attractive qualities in men around here… Women want to feel safe, provided for and secure with their partners, and that’s pretty clear with an every photo I almost see on Facebook with couples.

I look through Facebook, and almost every couple that has a photo on there features the female gazing up adoringly into the eyes of her dominant male. Almost always. It almost always seems to be an alpha/beta relationship, with the male being the alpha. I’m not really interested in that kind of dynamic, and maybe that shows, who knows>. I actually like who I am. I just don’t think others feel the same way.  

Maybe I am fooling myself, I don’t know, and truthfully I’m getting to the point where I don’t really care. I am who I am, and I try hard to do well with others. Doesn’t seem to matter in the dating world. 

[boltnrun]

It's an interesting mindset for sure. I have plenty of examples in my own family and friend group where it's most definitely not "alpha male/adoring submissive female". Not even close. And plenty of short, slender men have wives and girlfriends and get dates. I don't see exclusively tall bearded men "getting" all the women. 

I suppose there are places where those types of men are viewed as higher value. The stereotype of the "Montana Mountain Man" exists for sure. 

Where I live there's a stereotype of the blond, large breasted, slim, tanned young female that allegedly we're all supposed to be. And that's what people who don't live here think all the women are like. It's funny because the vast majority of women are definitely not that type. I'm a short, petite Latina with nappy black hair. I do have the tanned skin tone! And I found a husband. He wasn't interested in the stereotypical blond beach bimbo.

Interesting for sure. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

That’s exactly how I have conveyed myself within my online presence. Why would I want to change that, just because I’m not getting any hits? I want to try to pretend to be somebody that I’m not?

Because when it comes to using online dating sites as opposed to meeting friends/chat buddies actitivty partners I recommend my approach wholeheartedly -and I am just like you as far as open/chatty.  For dating I didn't want anyone to know my online persona -if I had one - because I wanted real life dating leading to a real life marriage hopefully. 

And I knew that someone who wanted me to get to know them through typing and talking would be incompatible with me for the long term especially if he fancied himself having an online persona that he wanted me to know about before meeting.  Just not a good match, at all, for me including for the practical reasons of not wanting to waste my time with chat buddies. 

One reason my marriage is stable and healthy is because we are not fans of texting back and forth about anything but routine/mundane -rarely if ever.  Or emailing. We take sometimes the harder way of talking in person or if needed by phone about important stuff. 

I'll share an anecdote.  For my whole life except for 8 months total I've lived in two major cities- 43 in a huge one, last 14 ish in this one which is large just not as huge.  City one had the rep of being detached/etc -all those silly stereotypes.  I found my people and the city had that cliche/myth but it wasn't true.

My anecdote -from around 2014-18 the school bus stop was down the block near some small townhomes. We live in an apartment building.  There was this woman -D -a senior citizen who lived at the corner townhome.  She would sometimes come outside as we /and some other kids waited for the bus.  She'd say hi and we'd chat and have pleasant convos and a few times she said -if it's raining/cold please please wait inside if you like! Soooo sweet.  Bus stop moved to middle of the block so we didn't really see D anymore. 

Then school went virtual for covid.  About 2-3 years later my son and I were walking down the block and see D.  Years.  She greeted us -remembered my son's name (!!!) and I remembered hers and we chatted and asked after each other's wellbeing etc.  So -cold/detached city?? I don't think so.

[TheCrow]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My husband told me I was the first person EVER to laugh at his jokes. He said everyone else looked at him funny. He was in a rock band that had a local following and played at parties but he couldn't find any girls who wanted to date him. Until me. I thought he was silly, funny, a bit goofy and sort of adorable. I found it endearing that he had basically zero experience with girls. I liked his blond hair, his blue eyes and his slightly crooked nose. 

You found someone before who likes what you have to offer. It may take some time but you have a good chance of finding another woman who appreciates your unique qualities. Just try not to let some woman who you didn't even know existed a week ago wreck your life. 

-

Question for Bolt: (sorry to highjack for a second D!) So you are married? You're referring to a husband here?  Most of your posts come across as though you are single?

 

[TheCrow]

14 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I’ll sign off tonight by reiterating this story that I conveyed on a post a year or two ago on here.

I have been on dating sites for years, and have almost pretty much never gotten many responses at all, ever.

So, about 20 years ago, back in the early days of dating sites, I did an experiment. I had almost the exact same write up that I have now, and I had a couple of pretty decent pictures, but was getting, literally, no responses. None.

I did something rather diabolical with my experiment… I went to the same dating site from a city on the other side of the country, and I lifted a picture of an average looking guy, but a little more typical than I am, and I put that single picture on my site and took mine off.  This fellow wasn’t a hunk, or buff, he just looked like your average kind of geeky guy. Middle of the road.  Nothing else changed on the profile except for that picture.  
 

By the morning, I probably had 50 responses, many from seemingly really nice women that I would love to be able to have a chance to go out with.

Do you really try to want to convince me now it’s all in my head?

D,

I'm into long haired men.

I'm not going to tell you to join clubs, learn how to be confident or change your wardrobe.

Can I see a picture?

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, TheCrow said:

D,

I'm into long haired men.

I'm not going to tell you to join clubs, learn how to be confident or change your wardrobe.

Can I see a picture?

Funny you say that.  I’m kind of shy, although almost no one would likely predict that upon first meeting.

Confidence is something that goes over extremely well where I am, even to the point of arrogance being rewarded, rather than humble and kind.  Overconfidence and arrogance is a huge currency, and often gets the girl.

I do see really nice ladies here that have shy and quiet husbands.  But those husbands are almost always at least 6’ tall.  Many aren’t even that much more “manly” or good looking than I am.  So, since this is true, I can’t imagine they are that much nicer, more generous, or more anything than I am… other than short hair and tall.  That seems to be the only real variable in these examples.  The tallest men here can even be kind of quiet and unattractive.  But they almost always have awesome wives.  Almost guaranteed.  

A girl I dated a few years ago loved my long hair.  So, I can’t say no girls like long hair.  If you have broad shoulders, a tough demeanor, and a manly look… long hair has a specific audience.  Effeminate, relatively short, soft spoken… We remain literally ignored.  I have felt that my entire life.  It’s not my imagination.  I can tell when I’m taken seriously and when I’m not.  Most times, in a crowd, it’s not even subtle.

I’ll be in line at the store, and the girl on a register will speak to the tall guy before me with a sparkle in her eye, and with energy, even if the guy barely says hi.  I’ll approach the same cashier with a pleasant greeting and engaged demeanor, and I can tell almost instantly that the girl’s interest just dies.  It’s so clear.  I’ve seen it my entire life.  It’s not in my imagination.  

I see so many ladies on dating sites that suffer the same fate, but for very different reasons.  I know they are being ignored, as well.  I feel for them, and then I ignore them as well.  I feel like I contradict myself.

I do get it.  Out culture consists of the haves and have nots, and there is a pretty wide line separating the two sides.