Online dating help

[Batya33]

My husband is about 5”6. I always preferred dating men who are shorter than average. I always knew a man who chose to wear his hair long would not be right for me as a spouse. I’ve had many friends over the years with unique hairstyles and or men who wear their hair long. I also didn’t date men with tattoos. But friendship was fine.

I think having preferences for dating relationship and marriage is perfectly fine. It’s not ok to discriminate against people like at work who choose to dress or present themselves differently. I don’t. 
I loved how my dating pool increased because many women wanted only tall men. 
I found dating sometimes fun and also stressful and frustrating. And time consuming.  I don’t like arrogance and I do like reasonable confidence.
 

My husband is kind of shy and reserved and reasonably confident. He was extremely shy and less confident when we met way back in our late 20s I used to be very extroverted and after having a child became more easily tired from too much social interaction especially when my son was young. I love the balance my husband and I have with our different approaches and perspectives. He inspires me to be more type B!

[Whirling D]

Ok… against my comfort level…

I have both of these photos on my dating profile. 

 

[lostandhurt]

If what you have been doing for 20 years is not working then why continue?  So online dating isn't working for you but that doesn't mean other forms of meeting women will not work.

 How many clubs to you belong to? Church? Volunteer? Meet Up? Hobbies?  Meeting someone while doing the things you love is an outstanding way to go about it since you automatically have something in common.

 I can see how you can be disappointed because online dating is full of disappointments for a great many people even ones that get messages sent to them frequently.

 In one of your responses you seemed to have a good attitude about the whole situation and then do a 180.  Which is it? 

 Lost

[boltnrun]

I have to say, someone I "met" online is absolutely obsessed with musicians with long hair. She lives in Chicago and is in her 40s. Too bad I can't give you her contact info. 

[Whirling D]

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

If what you have been doing for 20 years is not working then why continue?  So online dating isn't working for you but that doesn't mean other forms of meeting women will not work.

 How many clubs to you belong to? Church? Volunteer? Meet Up? Hobbies?  Meeting someone while doing the things you love is an outstanding way to go about it since you automatically have something in common.

 I can see how you can be disappointed because online dating is full of disappointments for a great many people even ones that get messages sent to them frequently.

 In one of your responses you seemed to have a good attitude about the whole situation and then do a 180.  Which is it? 

 Lost

Thank you for the thoughts.

I spent the month last month playing music in a children’s musical.  Was a blast. Met many fabulous ladies.  All married to tall avoidant men who are workaholics and make tons of dough. Every. Single. One.

I volunteer once a month at a town event.  All married.  I play out with my band reasonably often.  Lots of inebriated women.  
 

Some of you may remember a story I told from about six months ago at Halloween.  My band was playing, and a nice lady came in and began dancing in front.  In between sets, I did something hugely uncharacteristic… I went over to her table and began chatting.  She seemed really friendly and responsive, so after a few minutes, I did something that I’ve never done before.  I asked for her number.  She seemed happy and gave it to me.

I texted her a few days later.  No reply.  Called her a week later… didn’t respond to my message.  Completely ghosted.  Not even the respect to say “Thank you, but no think you”.

So you wonder why I’m jaded?

 

[Batya33]

Maybe those people can introduce you to single ladies.  I do that for people all the time and I'm married.  Nice photos!  Your photos have very approachable/pleasant expressions!

[lostandhurt]

You know by now it is a numbers game and putting yourself out there like you have been doing so well done there.

 Could it be the type of woman you are drawn to?  You say "Nice Ladies" but is that demeanor or looks?

If you are swinging for the fence every pitch chances are you are going to strike out a lot.

As far as any woman not answering a text or a phone call after giving out their number goes all I can say is you need to stop taking it so personally.  Look at it as the same as them saying No Thanks and nothing more.  I have been fortunate enough to have women walk up and give me their number and in almost all occasions I didn't call them because they weren't what I was looking for.  It is surprising the reactions you will get from trying to be polite and respond.  Some people do not take rejection well and lash out so she could have been trying to avoid any unpleasantness.

 Do you think you are unrealistic in your selection process? 

Do you think if you were very well off financially things would be different?

Lost

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe those people can introduce you to single ladies.  I do that for people all the time and I'm married.  Nice photos!  Your photos have very approachable/pleasant expressions!

Thank you, Bat… I think those photos display pretty clearly how I usually present myself. I don’t go over that well here, for some reason.  Boys think I’m wimpy… I’ve often been called weird.  Girls often think I’m gay.  I don’t mean that pejoratively.  Lots of people say I look and act gay.  I don’t see it, but I seem to miss so many things… 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

You know by now it is a numbers game and putting yourself out there like you have been doing so well done there.

 Could it be the type of woman you are drawn to?  You say "Nice Ladies" but is that demeanor or looks?

If you are swinging for the fence every pitch chances are you are going to strike out a lot.

As far as any woman not answering a text or a phone call after giving out their number goes all I can say is you need to stop taking it so personally.  Look at it as the same as them saying No Thanks and nothing more.  I have been fortunate enough to have women walk up and give me their number and in almost all occasions I didn't call them because they weren't what I was looking for.  It is surprising the reactions you will get from trying to be polite and respond.  Some people do not take rejection well and lash out so she could have been trying to avoid any unpleasantness.

 Do you think you are unrealistic in your selection process? 

Do you think if you were very well off financially things would be different?

Lost

Thank you, lost.

Well, if you look at my income… and my physical appearance… and my long hair… one might say I over reach.

However, I am attracted to women who are smart, active and somewhat affluent… but they like their GQ tall good looking men.  Almost doesn’t matter how attentive or engaged they seem to be.  
 

I don’t get it.

[Whirling D]

There’s been a development.

The online lady messaged me back… Whew… all is not dead…

At the risk of TMI, I’ll quote you what she said, mostly because I’m not trusting my instinct… I’d usually reply with lots of energy, and questions, and encouragement… but I wonder if I should play it cooler.

Here is what she said:

————

Hi, K

Sorry you have some sad affairs to take care of this week and a long journey.  

I’m headed to Florida (by plane) on Saturday to visit my sister.

Maybe we can get together for a coffee or a video chat depending on how much chaos is going on then.

Have a bearable weekend.”

————

Here are my preliminary thoughts:

- I’m certainly glad she wrote

- In her dating profile, among other descriptors, she calls herself “reserved”.  At first I thought I might be able to relate to that.  However, her messages seem a bit detached.  My messages are often very lively, inquisitive and curious.  Hers not so much.  I wonder if that’s a red flag.  Do I really think I’ll find things in common with someone who can’t find it within themselves to say, “I’m really sorry you tell me your dad passed away recently…”  Those would be the first words out of my mouth.  I suspect I’m looking for reasons to devalue her?

So… I already began to write her back in my usual upbeat manner.  Maybe I should just stick to details, or should I just be myself… and if she feels threatened or crowded, so be it?

hmmmmm…

 

 

[bluecastle]

4 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

There’s been a development.

Terrific. 

Hopefully this can all be taken as a lesson into just how much anxiety—rather than reality—is fogging your windshield on all this. 

In your shoes, I'd respond with something like: "So sorry to hear about the sad affairs of late—hope what's on the horizon offers a respite. A video chat sounds great, as does meeting for coffee, so let me know if there's if there's a break in the chaos in upcoming days to make the former happen. When are you back from Florida?" 

And that's that. No more micro-analysis of her profile, no more searching for red flags with such fury that you accidentally paint one on your own back, no more putting down a total stranger to puff yourself up. That's all anxiety. 

Brass tacks: I think it's worth noting that this thread and your spirit took an immediate turn toward total bitterness and despair when a woman who you purposely waited over a day to respond to took a day to respond to you. Think about that for a moment.  

[boltnrun]

Which would you prefer? Online "banter" or a woman you get on with like gangbusters in person?

I don't "banter" through messages. For me, messaging is to get a point across, period. You might call my style "dry" or "detached".

And remember, everyone is not you. They will not respond the way you would and THAT'S NOT BAD. It's just different because we're all different humans. 

I would message back saying something like "Coffee sounds great, how does Coffee Shop Nearby sound? Looking forward to chatting in person." And let her set the date and time.

[boltnrun]

And I agree with @bluecastle. You're allowing this interaction with a woman who's essentially a stranger to dictate your mood which is not healthy. And good point about you agonizing over her taking a day to respond when you did THE EXACT SAME THING. Maybe she's been reading the same dating guru sites you've been reading 😜

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

, I am attracted to women who are smart, active and somewhat affluent

Why would you seek out affluent women if you prefer a simpler rural lifestyle?

[Batya33]

I agree and -Bluecastle -I read her message to respond to his apparent message sharing about a "sad state of affairs". 

Your comments about detached -wow -I totally agree with Bolt.

In 2005 or so I matched online with a man who owned an art gallery I knew of but I did not know him.  We had a great convo one night and he had to go I think so he asked if he could call me the next day to make a plan I guess. Sure.

He had my work number and home.  He called me at work.  I was a little busy but wanted to take his call . I had my professional tone of voice on especially since at that time I saw a coworker walking by.  He was all over that -telling me I sounded very formal (meaning in a bad way). I explained nicely that I was at work but didn't want to let his call go to VM. 

We chatted another minute and he repeated how formal I sounded (at this point -yes -I was speaking in a way you speak while at work and people can overhear).  Then he ended the call. Never heard from him again.

My sense is looking back -kind of self-sabotage -he wanted an excuse not to meet him and I failed his test of being fun and lighthearted on a phone call from my office.  Ohhhhh welllllll.

I had several instances of awesome messaging before the phone call (I mean exchanging a couple of messages mostly to plan when to talk etc) - and total dud on the phone or the lovely man who answered HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER??? (um you gave it to me)- or the men who were ordering food/talking to someone else, or interrupting me to read out loud from my profile instead of talking to me.  So I found the phone a lot more illuminating because again my goal was to meet in person and see how we interacted in person -not what their online style was.

 

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I agree and -Bluecastle -I read her message to respond to his apparent message sharing about a "sad state of affairs". 

 

Ah, yes, my bad. General gist holds. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Sorry you have some sad affairs to take care of this week and a long journey.  

Why does she feel sorry for you? What are you sharing with her?

[Whirling D]

Thanks, everyone.

I totally get what you are all saying.  I get triggered when there's evidence of ghosting or being blown off.  I've been that way most of my life.  It's an abandonment trauma trigger.  I'm soooo much better than I was only a handful of years ago.  I'm not lost with all of this, but not feeling what I feel is not quite so easy.  Managing it is getting better. 

One of the reasons I do get so anxious is because I have very few opportunities to encounter nice ladies, so when I do, I get anxious that it's going to float away, as it always seems to.  So... I grasp at every straw.   I think it's completely understandable, for those of us that don't have a ton of opportunities as such.  

I do know I'm trying to pidgeon hole this lady already... looking for reasons that she might not be "the one"... but I do know that I'll never know until I spend some time with this lady and see how things go.

So... I keep it brief with my reply?  

BTW... I love message banter.  I could do it almost all day long with a nice girl.  ALL DAY LONG!  I don't have lots of social opportunities, so I take it when I get it.  Some of my most cherished times have been going on and on with someone I like within messages.  Usually, it conveys with their "real life" persona.  I find that more often than not, how someone messages is usually what I find when I meet them.  Roughly.

I tend to be a bit like my message persona.  At least I want to be.  In many ways, I'm much more who I want to be in those bantering situations.  That may be intimidating or a turn off for some ladies, though... I'm pretty wordy, as you know... and often a bit petulant... But, might it be fair to say that if my online persona makes them feel uncomfortable, that my real life one may also?  I wonder.

[Whirling D]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does she feel sorry for you? What are you sharing with her?

I told her I travelled out of town for my dad's funeral.  

I wondered if that was TMI for so soon.  

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you seek out affluent women if you prefer a simpler rural lifestyle?

Affluent, to me, doesn't need to mean they live in a big house in the burbs.  Lots of affluent folks like to live a bit more of a "deliberate" or earthy crunchy lifestyle.  That's my take on it.

[boltnrun]

Just for a different perspective, I consider texting all day to be a colossal waste of time. I don't want to be staring at my phone all day. And I'd wonder about a man who had that much free time to be sending messages all day long. I very much prefer in person interaction to trying to type words using the tiny letters on my phone keyboard. And I use my phone to get done what needs to be done and that's it. I don't use it to have conversations.

Is texting all day long of utmost importance to you? Is it preferable to a woman who's a great conversationalist in person? Do you require a woman to be as in to all day texting as you are?

Have you responded to her message yet?

[Whirling D]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just for a different perspective, I consider texting all day to be a colossal waste of time. I don't want to be staring at my phone all day. And I'd wonder about a man who had that much free time to be sending messages all day long. I very much prefer in person interaction to trying to type words using the tiny letters on my phone keyboard. And I use my phone to get done what needs to be done and that's it. I don't use it to have conversations.

Is texting all day long of utmost importance to you? Is it preferable to a woman who's a great conversationalist in person? Do you require a woman to be as in to all day texting as you are?

Have you responded to her message yet?

Good questions… I’ve never really thought about whether I would be OK if somebody doesn’t text back-and-forth a lot. I would miss that. Since I am semi retired, and I am home a lot during the day, it’s kind of nice to get messages throughout the day. It makes me feel connected to the other person.

So, I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker. It’s going to come down solely to what I feel when I look into  that girls eye’s, or what we are doing and how she makes me feel and how I make her feel. I think that’s where the true chemistry lies.

No… I haven’t texted her yet… I’m thinking.  As mentioned, I tend to be chatty, and I’m not sure how she will respond to that, but she has still hung in there… so, maybe I should keep trying to be chatty?

For example… I could ask her to say “hi” while she’s away if she feels up to it… I certainly wouldn’t mind that if I was trying to catch a vibe with someone online.  

She may be a bit no nonsense, though, and may not have the headspace to want to deal with that. 

 

[boltnrun]

I would advise against trying to get her to message you while she's away. You haven't even seen her in person one time. Messaging while traveling is a "relationship" thing, not something that people who have never even met would be likely to do. Please don't push for relationship type behaviors right off the bat. That would come across as presumptuous, IMO. 

Also, if she's a doctor it's highly unlikely she'll have all day to text back and forth. Most doctors are very busy during their workdays. 

What "chatty" things are you thinking of trying? She said meeting for coffee sounded like a good idea, so why not agree to that and suggest a place to meet? It didn't seem to me like she was asking you to message her more, but more like she's on board with actually meeting. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I told her I travelled out of town for my dad's funeral. I wondered if that was TMI for so soon.  

It's great she replied. Set up something for when she returns. In the meantime, try not to turn her into a chat buddy.

Even if you feel bored, isolated and lonely, it's better to wait until you meet and find other ways to alleviate the isolation, boredom and loneliness. 

Yes it's TMI, which is why you are better off skipping all the banter and saving something for meeting in person.

[Batya33]

Great advice here.  Also it's not ghosting if a stranger from a dating site decides not to be in contact anymore. Many reasons people stop responding and sending the fake "you're amazing but" text might not feel safe based on past experiences (I had bad experiences being harassed by men on dating sites/men I'd only met once).  

If you have abandonment triggers to that extent that's on you.  Meaning it's unfair to come into a first meet or a potential dating relationship with burdening the person that if they take X days or hours to respond you'll be triggered -and if that affects the interaction and your needs/level of "maintenance like they'd have to check in more/reassure you that might not be everyone's cup of tea.

I also would be turned off/not interested in a person -even for a friendship -who wanted to text all day and expected me to respond regularly all day as if we were in person having a conversation.