Online dating help

[bluecastle]

9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Perhaps, but I get a very strong feeling this girl is not caring how long I take to get back to her, or maybe even if I DO get back to her.  To me, that’s a red flag.

I'm at a loss here, friend. 

From where I sit you are inventing red flags out of nothing. Or, more specifically, you are taking someone who is behaving almost identically to how you've behaved, but where you paint yourself on here in tones of swaggering righteousness and oh-so-sensitive vulnerability you choose paint her ominously, derisively even. 

What's that about? I ask earnestly. You have more or less taken this woman out of the realm of human beings and turned her into a high-definition screen onto which to project your anxieties. Buddy, this is one of those spots where it can be really, really freeing to locate the inner switch that allows you to laugh at yourself and switch it to the on position. 

Here, for whatever it's worth, is a window into another way this can go: 

Once, 4.5 years ago, I matched with a woman on a Bumble. Per that site, she wrote me first. Maybe it was days after matching, maybe hours—I never paid attention. We had a witty little back and forth for 10 minutes. I asked her to continue in 3D. Sounded great, she said, but it was a busy time: with work, with her kid, with all that. I hear that, I said, and we tried and failed to find a hard date and opted to check back in in a few days. 

This went on for 3 weeks—with, I stress, zero sparkly banter in between. I'd shoot her note, along the lines of: "Coffee tomorrow?" She'd reply that, ugh, tomorrow was bad, but how about Thursday? Dang, I'd say, Thursday is booked for me. Then days of silence as our lives spun round. Then maybe she'd say: "Coffee tomorrow?" And I'd say that was bad for me, but Friday? Bad for her. The holidays came around, we both got sucked into that vortex, and then I had to cross the country on trip because, you know, life.

I landed from that trip at maybe 7pm. Waiting for a cab I thought: it would be nice to have that drink that woman from Bumble with whom I had that nice little exchange 3 weeks ago. So, one second later, with zero rumination, I texted her: "Last minute, but want to have a glass of wine in the next 30 minutes to an hour?" She'd been working late. A glass of wine sounded great. We met up, talked and talked, and it was pretty dang magical. I put her in a cab and before it got to the end of the block, I texted her: "I loved talking to you and want to talk more. Wednesday?" 

Anyhow, we now live together, have for a while now, and I'm beyond grateful. But I'm not sharing all this to highlight a happy ending—since it's not an ending, it's just my life unspooling. I'm sharing it because had she not responded at any of those stages, had she faded out, it would have been fine. That happened plenty. By not putting a whole lot of weight on something that simply does not merit the weight the entire experience of dating was different, less mentally consuming, self-absorbing, and self-sabotaging. 

 

 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

On 4/19/2023 at 4:35 PM, Whirling D said:

Thank you, lost.

Well, if you look at my income… and my physical appearance… and my long hair… one might say I over reach.

However, I am attracted to women who are smart, active and somewhat affluent… but they like their GQ tall good looking men.  Almost doesn’t matter how attentive or engaged they seem to be.  
 

I don’t get it.

So you are trying for women out of your league so to speak?  Is it fair? Should women with lots of options ignore you when they can date someone more attractive, more affluent and more exciting?

Seems to me you are doing the same thing by not giving women you consider to be average a chance.

 I can see your frustration and you labeling your feelings or the reasons you get upset about the situation but you have more control over this than you seem to admit.

 Would I like to meet and date Kate Beckinsale? Heck yeah I would but I am a realist about dating and the women I have a chance with.  I have been incredibly lucky and have dated women way out of my league and truthfully it has made it harder as I got accustomed to it.  Could it be the women you seek out are accustomed to a certain type of man?  Is that wrong of them to want what they want just like you want what you want?

  Lost 

[Whirling D]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What are you basing this "very strong feeling" on? What has she said that tells you she doesn't care?

Anyway, the fact that you've already decided she has "red flags" is a strong indication you don't want to date her. So maybe you should "bail on this". Write to her and let her know you've decided you two are not a match.

It's too bad you're allowing your fear and anxiety to rule your life. I'm sorry about that. 

I didn’t say I didn’t wanted to date her. I’m just saying that I think there are red flags, and my gut is usually pretty good about those matters.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

I didn’t say I didn’t wanted to date her. I’m just saying that I think there are red flags, and my gut is usually pretty good about those matters.

The fact that you are unable to give us anything specific other than your "gut" proves there isn't anything concrete she's done that indicates a "red flag". And you're doubling down on your insistence that "red flags" exist based on zero evidence. 

You do want to date her, but you're "just saying"...

It's fine if you prefer to live in a constant state of fear, insecurity and anxiety. It just doesn't seem very enjoyable. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

Do I really think a girl of fairly high means will be ok going out for hikes each time, rather than cultural events that cost more than I can handle?  

Yes it is odd that you choose affluent professionals but prefer a more bohemian, frugal lifestyle, then talk yourself out of things. Is your theory that "opposites attract" and just go for a long shot?

As far as banter, if you are dating and seeing someone in person, you don't have to have online banter all day.

So as far as banter buddies vs real life interactions, you may need to decide whether you want to date someone in person or make another banter buddy.

[Whirling D]

12 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'm at a loss here, friend. 

From where I sit you are inventing red flags out of nothing. Or, more specifically, you are taking someone who is behaving almost identically to how you've behaved, but where you paint yourself on here in tones of swaggering righteousness and oh-so-sensitive vulnerability you choose paint her ominously, derisively even. 

What's that about? I ask earnestly. You have more or less taken this woman out of the realm of human beings and turned her into a high-definition screen onto which to project your anxieties. Buddy, this is one of those spots where it can be really, really freeing to locate the inner switch that allows you to laugh at yourself and switch it to the on position. 

Here, for whatever it's worth, is a window into another way this can go: 

Once, 4.5 years ago, I matched with a woman on a Bumble. Per that site, she wrote me first. Maybe it was days after matching, maybe hours—I never paid attention. We had a witty little back and forth for 10 minutes. I asked her to continue in 3D. Sounded great, she said, but it was a busy time: with work, with her kid, with all that. I hear that, I said, and we tried and failed to find a hard date and opted to check back in in a few days. 

This went on for 3 weeks—with, I stress, zero sparkly banter in between. I'd shoot her note, along the lines of: "Coffee tomorrow?" She'd reply that, ugh, tomorrow was bad, but how about Thursday? Dang, I'd say, Thursday is booked for me. Then days of silence as our lives spun round. Then maybe she'd say: "Coffee tomorrow?" And I'd say that was bad for me, but Friday? Bad for her. The holidays came around, we both got sucked into that vortex, and then I had to cross the country on trip because, you know, life.

I landed from that trip at maybe 7pm. Waiting for a cab I thought: it would be nice to have that drink that woman from Bumble with whom I had that nice little exchange 3 weeks ago. So, one second later, with zero rumination, I texted her: "Last minute, but want to have a glass of wine in the next 30 minutes to an hour?" She'd been working late. A glass of wine sounded great. We met up, talked and talked, and it was pretty dang magical. I put her in a cab and before it got to the end of the block, I texted her: "I loved talking to you and want to talk more. Wednesday?" 

Anyhow, we now live together, have for a while now, and I'm beyond grateful. But I'm not sharing all this to highlight a happy ending—since it's not an ending, it's just my life unspooling. I'm sharing it because had she not responded at any of those stages, had she faded out, it would have been fine. That happened plenty. By not putting a whole lot of weight on something that simply does not merit the weight the entire experience of dating was different, less mentally consuming, self-absorbing, and self-sabotaging. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your story, blue. I enjoyed it.

I get your points. But I should make clear… What I write on here, and what I actually do, or how I actually handle myself or not necessarily congruent.

I intend on continuing forward with this girl. I’ll take the steps necessary. I’ll see where it goes. I don’t have high hopes, for all the reasons mentioned. For now, that’s OK, because you never know what the future holds.

Unfortunately, I just don’t have the opportunities to be as spontaneous as you were describing in your experiences. I just don’t have the dialogue with nearly anyone. This lady has been in it for the longest while.  That ups my anxiety fairly significantly, since I ain’t getting any younger. I’ll be eligible for full Social Security soon. 🙂

And also understand, I’m not sitting on my hands staring at my computer screen all day waiting for her to respond. I do spend more time than I probably should thinking checking to see if she has read my messages, probably because I am Sammy employed and on vacation, and I have a fair amount more time to do those things. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around for the rest of the time. I’m at least moderately active, within my meansand also understand, I’m not sitting on my hands staring at my computer screen all day waiting for her to respond. I do spend more time than I probably should thinking about it, and checking to see if she has read my messages, probably because I am Sammy employed and on vacation, and I have a fair amount more time to do those things. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around for the rest of the time. I am at least moderately active, within my means.

if I had a ton of prospects, and a ton of girls writing to me on dating sites, and lots going on in my life outside of my own little circle, I would have no problem being less anxious, or more spontaneous with when I contact someone and how I ask them out.  That has never been the case, thus, I find myself ringing every sponge out of every last drop that I can get out of it.  

So I think about strategy. I think about what I may be doing right or wrong, and I try to maximize my potential.  I talked things through on here, and I read psychology articles, and dating articles, which is where I get some of this stuff. Some of them are reliable resources.

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it is odd that you choose affluent professionals but prefer a more bohemian, frugal lifestyle, then talk yourself out of things. Is your theory that "opposites attract" and just go for a long shot?

As far as banter, if you are dating and seeing someone in person, you don't have to have online banter all day.

So as far as banter buddies vs real life interactions, you may need to decide whether you want to date someone in person or make another banter buddy.

At this point in my life, I do prefer a bohemian lifestyle.  nothing would make me happier than to meet a nice lady who would try to live off the land, work together to fix up my old dilapidated 250 year old farmhouse, and enjoy my beautiful natural property the way I do.

I think it’s going to take somebody that’s been around the block a little bit to really want to do that, but that’s pure speculation. The girl I dated two years ago loved this place and would’ve moved in within a heartbeat, but she was unstable, and she knew I wasn’t eager to invite her in until things were more stable (particularly because I have a 13-year-old daughter), and that was a source of huge anxiety for her. I think it pretty much led to the end of us dating. I think she saw the writing on the wall.

you guys seem to be putting a lot more energy into the banter thing than I am. I enjoy bantering. I may minimize it, but I don’t think I’m going to be stopping anytime soon. If it turns somebody off, I truly think those are likely not the ladies for me.  I guess we have to draw a line somewhere.

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it is odd that you choose affluent professionals but prefer a more bohemian, frugal lifestyle, then talk yourself out of things. Is your theory that "opposites attract" and just go for a long shot?

As far as banter, if you are dating and seeing someone in person, you don't have to have online banter all day.

So as far as banter buddies vs real life interactions, you may need to decide whether you want to date someone in person or make another banter buddy.

Also, half of the ladies that I meet in my business are affluent, and they are lovely. It’s my guess that they may secretly admire the kind of lifestyle that they believe I live. But they are caught up in our cultural world, which values income and a nice house, and nicely paved streets. I don’t think they want to buy into it, but that’s where the cultural pathways seem to lead for many modern women and men.  Nice house in the affluent suburb with a white picket fence, three kids and a tall handsome husband that works too much and gets cranky. It’s a strong pull.

[boltnrun]

So you've decided FOR HER that you can't provide the lifestyle you assume she wants. And you're going to preemptively reject her before she can reject you. At least mentally. You're expecting the worst from jump. 

Do you secretly believe any woman who expresses interest in you must be defective in some way? Because you seem to be disparaging this woman as having "red flags" without ever even meeting her. Maybe you think any woman who likes you must have something wrong with her. When maybe, just maybe, she legitimately likes what she's seen and heard from you so far. Is that so impossible for you to believe?

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

.  nothing would make me happier than to meet a nice lady who would try to live off the land, work together to fix up my old dilapidated 250 year old farmhouse, and enjoy my beautiful natural property the way I do.

Can you place and ad for a roommate who might be interested in this? That way you could exchange  reduced rent for help fixing up your place. You'll have some companionship as well. Because this situation per se is not related to dating at this time.

As far as dating, see how this goes but be yourself just like they have to be themselves.

[Whirling D]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you place and ad for a roommate who might be interested in this? That way you could exchange  reduced rent for help fixing up your place. You'll have some companionship as well. Because this situation per se is not related to dating at this time.

As far as dating, see how this goes but be yourself just like they have to be themselves.

thanks for the thought, wise.
 

I have thought about that… But as a 61-year-old male with a 15-year-old daughter… There’s a lot to unpack there… 😂.  I probably couldn’t get a man to live there, because of my 15 year old daughter… And I probably would have a hard time with a woman living there… For the obvious reasons… 😂.   
 

I do enjoy the quiet time and the space… And I lived with other people from almost 30 years before acquiring this house. So, I’m not foreign to that idea.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Thank for your story, Bat.  They are enjoyable to read.  Those are YOUR experiences, but not mine.  I don't have those kinds of opportunities, sadly.  If that was the case, I'd probably not be fretting over one prospective.

I didn't either. The majority of them I created for myself through really hard work and getting out of my comfort zone. Including moving to a city teeming with singles to help me reach my goal.  And Including the way I met my husband - I made that initial meeting happen. 

[Whirling D]

So… I was out and on the road all day, and I didn’t have much time to think about it this situation.  All good.

Now, late tonight, I thought I would check out the dating site to see if she had been on there, because evening seems to be the only time she’s on… Turns out, she hasn’t been on all day, nor answered my last question from yesterday…

Tomorrow, she’s off on vacation for the week, so she is likely busy… But… It’s still kind of makes me scratch my head that she wouldn’t have answered my question. Here’s exactly what I asked:

“Maybe I can check in later next week to confirm?”

That’s a question. Questions usually expect an answer.

is it reasonable for me to feel a bit irked that she hasn’t answered the question?  Does the expectation of an answer seem vague by the way I asked the question? Some of you might say that the wording is wishy-washy?  I would certainly never ignore a question like this and not respond, one way or the other.

Once again, I kind of feel like a number in her pursuit of a partner. 

What would you do next if this were you in this situation?

 

 

 

 

 

[bluecastle]

So hasn’t been on the site all day, because who knows why, which explains why she hasn’t answered your question. Doesn’t seem like something to be irked about, especially since you’ve generally taken a while to reply to her. 

57 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Once again, I kind of feel like a number in her pursuit of a partner. 

Is this a bad thing? Should she be making you her number one priority right now?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Whirling D said:

,she hasn’t been on all day, nor answered my last question from yesterday…Tomorrow, she’s off on vacation for the week, so she is likely busy… 

You're right. If she's leaving for vacation, she's likely quite busy. Also you stated you would check in later in the week, so there's no urgency for her to drop everything and reply asap. 

Try to keep busy with your other banter buddies because using setting up a date as a reason to attempt to draw someone into your enjoyment of bantering seems to confuse the issue. 

With online banter it usually is a lot of timely or rapid back and forth. With setting up a date, it's more about the practically of when and where to introduce yourselves to each other in person.

[gamon]

I recall when I was online dating- I'd be communicating with a half dozen women at a time, sometimes physically dating as many as 3 at a time.

I never gave that type of thought and energy to someone I exchanged only a handful of messages with. In a situation like this where I don't hear from someone in a day or two, I'm usually focused on other possibilities, she'd be the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe I'd scroll back up the list of women I messaged with and think "oh that one, wonder if I'll hear from here again". But that's about it.

Here you are ruminating over what she said, how she said it, why she might have said it and why she hasn't gotten back to you yet.

This says a lot about you, nothing about her, and it's not good. Get a hobby, send out more messages, don't spend all your time and energy focusing on one particular person who doesn't seem all that keen on moving forward anyway.

[Whirling D]

3 hours ago, gamon said:

I recall when I was online dating- I'd be communicating with a half dozen women at a time, sometimes physically dating as many as 3 at a time.

I never gave that type of thought and energy to someone I exchanged only a handful of messages with. In a situation like this where I don't hear from someone in a day or two, I'm usually focused on other possibilities, she'd be the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe I'd scroll back up the list of women I messaged with and think "oh that one, wonder if I'll hear from here again". But that's about it.

Here you are ruminating over what she said, how she said it, why she might have said it and why she hasn't gotten back to you yet.

This says a lot about you, nothing about her, and it's not good. Get a hobby, send out more messages, don't spend all your time and energy focusing on one particular person who doesn't seem all that keen on moving forward anyway.

Thanks for your reply. I think.

first of all, you are overlooking some obvious details… You say you were messaging quite a few girls at the same time. That’s a very different scenario. I haven’t, and I am not. Never have. This is the first girl that I have messaged back-and-forth with in probably over a year.  Probably considerably longer. I haven’t had a connection or a date from an online dating site in probably three years.  That makes our mindsets vastly different.  I am constantly messaging girls and getting zero replies. Gee, I wonder why that is.

I have plenty of hobbies and plenty of things to do and going on. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to think about this once in a while, or try to understand what might be happening.  And the presumption that I’m spending all day ruminating about this and not doing anything else it’s a presumption and it’s false.

Your final statement validates exactly what I’m talking about. Am I actually putting all this thought into somebody who is not all that interested in moving forward anyway? That’s exactly why I’m even writing on here. You hit the nail on the head.  Little did you know that you are actually validating exactly why I feel like I do.

[Whirling D]

7 hours ago, bluecastle said:

So hasn’t been on the site all day, because who knows why, which explains why she hasn’t answered your question. Doesn’t seem like something to be irked about, especially since you’ve generally taken a while to reply to her. 

Is this a bad thing? Should she be making you her number one priority right now?

I do know that she is very busy. So I kind of get that part of it.

if she’s truly interested in finding a partner, as her profile says she is, one would think she would prioritize making the people she is corresponding with feel like she is interested. So, yes, I think there should be a priority there. I’m not really feeling it.

My specific question was… Was the language that I used in my last message such that one would not really see it as a question, or feel the need to respond? 

Additionally, the question comes up as to what the next step for me should be. Do I wait until late next week and check in, like I suggested and asked, but wasn’t answered, or do I presume that it’s up to her to get back to me, since she didn’t answer the question?
 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 Do I wait until late next week and check in, like I suggested and asked,

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you suggested something why not follow up with it? 

[Whirling D]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you suggested something why not follow up with it? 

Because she didn’t finish up the conversation?  Typically, when you ask a question, you kind of expect the person to reply.  

As the fellow before said, do i really want to be pursuing someone that doesn’t seem that interested in being pursued?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Whirling D said:

“Maybe I can check in later next week to confirm?”

It's not a question even though you put a question mark at the end. It's more of a suggestion that you'll contact her next week.  You don't need her permission so it's odd to even put it in question form instead of simply stating that you'll get in touch next week. It seems more like it's in question form in order to facilitate banter and conversation and you're disappointed that isn't happening.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

My specific question was… Was the language that I used in my last message such that one would not really see it as a question, or feel the need to respond? 

Yes.  For two reasons -it sounds like something I'd say to myself- "hmm if I don't hear from X maybe I'll check in with X next week.... let me put that in my phone reminders app".  Second for me personally the question would be a turn off in this context. "Hi -have a great vacation! I'll check in with you next week when you're back to confirm our plan"

Also obviously she may not have been on this dating site but might have been on other sites/other first meets/other dates/planning first meets with me where she's vacationing --- cause she's a stranger and you're pretending you can track her movements and analyze "why no response??" I agree with Gamon -love how that post summed it up.

It's like at work -I have relationships with certain coworkers almost entirely by email. I want my emails to instill confidence in my reliability and availability.  I will write "Thanks! I will take care of this." And if it has a deadline or is at all time sensitive there's a second sentence like "I will let you know by [next week] what the status is."

I ran into a woman friend who ghosted me for years.  At Whole Foods.  We'd run into each other a couple of times including recently but not where we stopped to chat.  We chatted.  I realized I wanted to see her again and I felt a bit vulnerable since she ghosted me but our chat was going nicely.  So I said directly and plainly "I'd really like to be in touch again."  She smiled and said yes, and suggested we set up a time to meet in the next week.  She and husband had to keep shopping -and it wasn't said like "yeah sure let's get coffee some time....".  We exchanged numbers -texted contact info. 

Since I had been SO direct with her and exchanged numbers I left the ball in her court and I felt confident that I'd gotten my message across with my simple, direct language. 

By end of day she texted me, she said we should figure out in a few days which times worked for us and we did -it took a couple of logistical messages - but none of this "hmm what did she mean" -because I set the stage for clear communiation and take it or leave it -she could have left it but my standard was unless there was clear follow up with a clear plan I was done. 

There was-we've seen each other twice in 2 months with all plans being simple and direct (and she's moving out of state next month!!).

Those are my examples and show why I feel as I do about how you are interacting with this stranger you say you think might have dating potential.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Because she didn’t finish up the conversation?  Typically, when you ask a question, you kind of expect the person to reply.  

As the fellow before said, do i really want to be pursuing someone that doesn’t seem that interested in being pursued?

You're not pursuing her -no one should pursue anyone especially now. There's no "interest" relevant to dating - this is about setting up a first meet between strangers to see if in the future there is mutual interest in dating.  You're so many steps ahead it's mind boggling to me.

[Whirling D]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're not pursuing her -no one should pursue anyone especially now. There's no "interest" relevant to dating - this is about setting up a first meet between strangers to see if in the future there is mutual interest in dating.  You're so many steps ahead it's mind boggling to me.

Bat, there has been nothing unclear about my correspondences with this lady.

I have been quite clear from the beginning that I was interested in getting to know her and to get together on the Sunday after we both get back.

people on here thought it would be too pushy to make the statement, “I’ll contact you late next week to confirm“.  So I asked the question. Deliberately. There has been no answer to this question.

I am not sure how my approach to this is wishy-washy, or how it would turn off anyone that was actually interested in pursuing this. To me, that still seems like a red flag.  
 

 Of course I am pursuing her. That’s what people do on dating sites. It’s splitting hairs to think otherwise.  It’s almost no different if you approached someone on a street that you thought was attractive from a distance. One of my band mates says that one of his friends goes to clubs and just goes from girl to girl the girl basically asking them out.  That’s a Numbers game as well.  But he is pursuing them.

I think we are talking semantics here, and I don’t see how what you see as being ambiguous would be a “turn off“ in that context. So, are you saying that if a girl read my message that involved a question as to whether I should check in with her at the end of the week, itnwould be a turn off? I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, if that were indeed the case.  

 

[Batya33]

I'm not talking semantics at all. You insist on analyzing her semantics, her timing, what she types, when she types, her online activity.  You insist on multiple messages back and forth -more than one or two -before making a specific time and place to meet. You use dating type language -pursue/interested (in a dating way), etc to describe a stranger you've never met.

We have very different approaches to dating.  I believed in dating in person.  I used dating sites for years as one way to meet people in person.  The sites were just a way to make first contact.  I had nothing to analyze as far as typing because either we made a plan - begun with one or two messages, followed by a screening phone call, or we didn't.  Nothing to analyze other than "did he mean the restaurant by that name on __ street or the new cafe with a similar name on Y street. Hmm I'll email him to make sure!" (true story -my now husband arrived late and sweaty to our catch up dinner as he went cross town to the wrong restaurant/same name).

You have escalated your typing to strangers on dating site as if there is already a dating type interaction. I cannot relate.  I cannot relate to why you would want to learn information about a person you might date in the future by "banter" in typed messages.  I cannot relate to why you are ruminating over all of this nonsense when you could have made a specific plan even weeks in advance given her out of town travles -as I do routinely with acquaintances- sometimes even months -  and then messaged simply to reconfirm or reschedule or whatever.

In my perspective you don't want to date in person badly enough.  I can't give further input to a person whose actions are not consistent with wanting to date in person a person from a dating site. Back in the day I went on many blind dates and set people up on many blind dates.  The potential date called, we set up a time to meet at a public place, we met.  Once in a blue moon we didn't meet -but since there were mutual friends it was considered poor etiquette not to meet.  Easy peasy -I met many total strangers that way.  I set up total strangers that way and still do -started doing so in around 1980.  

I've given you all the input I can from my perspective.  That last message of yours with the "maybe"  -I personally may have responded with "ok sure - have a good week!" if I did, if I had time while leaving for vacay if I had time while meeting men/planning to meet men who stepped up to the plate, made a plan and followed through. As a woman I suggested first meets routinely if the man didn't. I let him ask me out.

I didn't care to date men who were wishy washy in their presence, their words, their actions -my husband can get indecisive at times and my son but he recognizes this and rectifies it most of the time really fast.  It's a good habit and a good value IMO.