Is it my anxiety making me overthink?

[JosieC]

I’m probably overreacting but I don’t know how to stop it from bothering me. 
Before we started dating I introduced my now boyfriend to a new friend I met (we’re all in college and this was our first month after moving in). She (the friend) is already in a committed long term relationship with a guy who doesn’t go to our college which is fine. They immediately clicked (her and my boyfriend) and became really close, which is great. 
After a few weeks me and him started dating (the friend even encouraged us to get together). 
However, even after we got together my boyfriend seemed more interested in his friendship with our friend instead of me. It bothered me a bit because even my friends seemed to notice that he was talking to her more than me. Whenever she said she needed help or was feeling depressed in our friend groupchat he would run and help her (which is fine because they’re friends). He would communicate with her more than me and just overall support her more. To the point I sometimes felt like a third wheel. She would always try to include me on things and ask my consent before hugging him and overall be very supportive of our relationship, but my boyfriend on the other hand makes me feel insignificant when they’re together. I know this is not intentional and it’s just because they’re just friends (he even said himself they hit it off really quick and became comfortable with each other fast and really opened up to each other) and I don’t want to come between them.

Fast forward. It’s been a while since we started dating and we have gotten much closer, but I still feel weird. When it’s just us three hanging out he’s just as touchy (minus kissing and things like that of course) with her as me and makes suggestive jokes and calls her adorable. She seems mostly off put by it and references or calls out to me whenever it happens, but he seems not to think anything wrong with it. 
 

Overall, I can’t help be feel like a third wheel when we’re together and it hurts. I don’t want to break apart their friendship but I can feel things piling up and me becoming distant because of it.

I know this is long but can someone just tell me if I’m overthinking and overreacting or not?

[gamon]

9 minutes ago, JosieC said:

I don’t want to come between them.

Perhaps not but it IS what he wants.

 

[JosieC]

12 minutes ago, gamon said:

Perhaps not but it IS what he wants.

 

What do you mean? What he wants out of their friendship?

[gamon]

I meant that he literally wants you to come between them.

 

[JosieC]

5 minutes ago, gamon said:

I meant that he literally wants you to come between them.

 

Can you clarify? I wouldn’t want to come between them because ruining a friendship is the last thing I want to do, especially since they’re so comfortable with each other.

[gamon]

It wouldn't necessarily ruin the friendship but it could complicate things.

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, gamon said:

I meant that he literally wants you to come between them.

Sorry, I don't understand this, either.

OP, I'd make this less about their friendship and more about whether you want to stay with a BF who doesn't give you the focus and intimacy you deserve in a relationship.

I'd be kind as I break up with him, and I'd leave his focus on her out of it. I'd offer to remain friends given that he's likely to remain part of your social circles, but I'd free myself to go find a guy who's into ME.

Head high.

[SooSad33]

I think some serious boundaries need to be present.

Why are they being physical at all? She has a boyfriend, who should be there for her.  Not yours.

She should not have a need to 'ask your permission to hug him', etc.  She shouldn't be doing it at all.

I see this is they BOTH either shape up or ship out.  YOU are involved with him and if HE can't see this & smarten it up, then is time for you to act and be done with this type of behaviour.

So, how about you sit and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  make sure you are heard.

Yeah, I've had the occasional 'guy friend', and if I saw such behaviour as him always leaning my way and making his own gf feel our of sorts, I'd give some distance, for sure.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sorry, I don't understand this, either.

It may be a cheeky reference to an adult situation. With all three of them.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd make this less about their friendship and more about whether you want to stay with a BF who doesn't give you the focus and intimacy you deserve in a relationship.

I agree. Your boyfriend is making his crush quite obvious, OP. When you have to remind a guy to pay more attention to you, you are really dating the wrong guy. And I don't think she's totally innocent in this either, actually. She could easily tell him to knock it off, avoid all physical contact and so on. She's enabling a lot of this, in other words, and seems to enjoy his attention. 

I would personally find a different boyfriend. He's more into her than you, and it's never a good idea to campaign for a guy's affection. Change the guy instead. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, JosieC said:

I can’t help be feel like a third wheel when we’re together and it hurts. I don’t want to break apart their friendship but I can feel things piling up and me becoming distant because of it.

Have you spoken to your BF about this?  Preserving their friendship is not your job. Your job is to be happy in your own relationships and friendships.

Step back and observe how you feel. He's overinvesting in this "friendship" and under investing in your relationship. Stop hanging out together. 

Try not to be the "cool GF" and drown yourself out of your own relationships.  Trust your instincts that this situation is for your BF to get attention and your new friend to get attention, and it's coming at the expense of your own happiness.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, JosieC said:

She seems mostly off put by it and references or calls out to me whenever it happens, but he seems not to think anything wrong with it. 

I dont think its much of your friends fault since she actually tries to stop him in his advances and asks for your help to do it. Its your boyfriend who has no filter and is innapropriate over there. So its on you  to stop that. 

Also yes, I would wonder if its worth continuing with somebody who likes your friend more then you. Because its more then evident that he does like her.

[smackie9]

Dump him he's a chump.

[Batya33]

This is ridiculous.  She asks your "consent" before hugging your boyfriend? Does she text you to ask if you're not around? Something is very wrong here if she thinks she needs your consent -somehow she knows it's line crossing as there's obviously strong attraction there. 

I've always had close platonic male friends for  the last 40 plus years and the only time I can ever remember asking permission is one time at a wedding I went alone and the couple I was talking to said I should dance with the guy as the girlfriend didn't feel like it -it was free style dancing-no touching or sexy stuff - that was because I'd just met them. 

I had one close platonic male friend in grad school who was too handsy /touchy (but it turned out he wasn't that into me -just poor social boundaries -we never hooked up or dated) and I was dating my now husband who was really chill with both our other gender friendships and at that party said something like he didn't like the handsy stuff.  I prioritized him.  No question.  

Do you think your friend overdoes the damsel in distress stuff with the "I'm depressed" in group chat so that your bf will come and rescue her? Why don't you go help her instead? Does she hug your bf when her bf is around? 

I think she is treating him like a substitute boyfriend when her long distance bf is not around. I'd bow out of this one and let them do their thang.  I'm sorry.

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, JosieC said:

I’m probably overreacting but I don’t know how to stop it from bothering me. 

I don't think you should stop it from bothering you. If it bothers you, it bothers you.

Also, I don't think you're overreacting. You have feelings and preferences, which is normal. Overreacting would be something like screaming and yelling at them, or punching one (or both) of them in the face. 

You need to acknowledge and respect your own feelings. That's how you set boundaries with people.

You'll find that not everyone is going to align or agree with your feelings or boundaries, even when you wish they would. It's up to you to weed these people out of your life, or keep them at arm's length.

If you don't respect your own feelings, who will?

[spinstermanquee]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd free myself to go find a guy who's into ME.

^^ This.  Who likes being second choice?  He likes her but he's settling for you.  You deserve better.

[Cherylyn]

You're not overthinking.  Call me old school or old fashioned or whatever but I think this 3 ring circus feels a bit crowded. 

Both your boyfriend and friend are wrong.  Your boyfriend shows excessive interest in your friend which is dishonorable for himself and very disrespectful to you.  Your friend is the one who needs to bow out by exercising discretion.  She needs to enforce stronger boundaries on her part since obviously, your boyfriend isn't willing to use common sense by behaving respectfully towards himself and you for the sake of your relationship with him. 

Opposite gender friends are fine as long as they're cognizant of the fact that in this case, you need to be put into consideration not to feel like a third wheel or an "extra" person in the equation who should merely be tolerated and cast aside.  That's plain asinine. 

I know a lot of couples.   I have no nerve to barge my way in by getting too friendly and too chummy with someone else's husband or boyfriend nor is my husband the type to act the way your boyfriend does.  None of us act like that.  I know my place and my husband behaves like a very classy gentleman.  Your friend needs to deliberately diminish her role socially and your boyfriend needs to act like the type of boyfriend who is devoted to you with all his heart and soul.  Any other way is whack. 

You need to have talk with your boyfriend and friend separately.  They need to respect your position and status in this relationship otherwise it won't work.  Your boyfriend and friend need to readjust otherwise they can have each other to their heart's content while you get out and be with the type of boyfriend and friend who practice common sense boundaries.