My (F26) boyfriend (M27) keeps bringing my past and it hurts.

[Mandyyy_]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs. Around 6 months ago he found me on an old website. 2 years ago, I was sexually abused on my birthday, I made the police report, the case is still on hold because it was too painful for me to follow up with that, no one was supporting me. After that, I had severe depression for 2 years, I started to drink a lot and to hang out with bad companies, one of them convinced me to work as an escort and I did it for a week but I felt worse so I stopped. I made some changes, I stopped drinking alcohol, started therapy and cut some bad friendships.

I found out that my boyfriend has a porn addiction and that is how he found this old post of 2 years ago. He didn’t broke up with me but he says that his perception about me changed, that it was a trauma for him, he constantly asks me why I did it, sometimes he tries to breakup with me over that but then he regret it’s. 

It has been a little better, he managed his porn addiction but 2 weeks ago he was being rude for no reason so he brought up the topic again. He says that I need to understand that for him it was a shock to see me on that website, he says that no other men would have forgive me for that. I felt so bad that I tried to grab my things and leave but then he started being nice again and comforted me.

I have no one to talk about this, he has made me believe that he accepts me and that no one else would want me but then he brings the subject back and I have to make him feel better even though it was a painful moment in my life. Is hard for me to leave the relationship and to be honest I just need an small push.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t trust me, he hates when I go out and is constantly asking me if I would cheat on him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mandyyy_ said:

, I stopped drinking alcohol, started therapy and cut some bad friendships.

Sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately you're in an abusive relationship. He's using emotional blackmail and degradation to wear you down. 

You're doing a great job taking care of your physical and mental health and sobriety.

Please read up on abusive relationships and discuss this with the therapist. In the future, leave the past in the past and only confide in your therapist and long standing trusted friends.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you went through all of that.  It sounds like he doesn't trust you.  And is reacting by saying mean and nasty things.  So unless he gives sincere apologies for his reactions and shows you in his actions he trusts and cares for you I would end it -whether it's about the horrific situation you went through or him not generally trusting you.  

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Mandyyy_ said:

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t trust me, he hates when I go out and is constantly asking me if I would cheat on him.

So, he lays guilt and doesn't trust you. All spells disaster 😕 .

Sadly, learning of this has affected him in a bad way.  Nothing you can do about that.  Is up to him to accept it, but sounds like he can't. 

IMO, is time to admit you two are not compatible, It's not worth constantly feeling guilt & reminders of your past this way.

You be honest with him and say you can't do this.

[boltnrun]

He keeps bringing it up and telling you no one else would want you because he's abusive.

Please seek professional therapy to help you through your previous trauma. 

[smackie9]

Sorry but his lack of empathy/ s-shaming is your cue to get out of the relationship. 

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend will always hold your past against you.  There's no escaping it.  During weak moments such as arguments,  your past will rear its ugly head time and time again.  Your past will continue to haunt you because your boyfriend will use it to his advantage.  It's his way of manipulating the relationship.  Know what you're in for.  He doesn't sound like a winner to me.  I'd dump him if I were you.  If he were the compassionate type,  he would know how to behave in an honorable manner yet he will not let it go.  Ever.  You can't heal nor recover with a guy like him.  He will always judge you.  He'll never allow you to redeem yourself.  Beware.  He's a real drag.

[spinstermanquee]

Mandyyy_... I unfortunately was with a toxic man many years ago who I made the poor choice of admitting my checkered past to.  While I was not the same woman any more, he was a crazy jealous guy and was never going to leave the past in the past.  He questioned/interrogated me, monitored my communication electronically, snooped in my journals, you name it he did it.  I finally managed to cut ties and get out from under his thumb.

The guy was NOT end game material.  You know who turned out to be?  The guy I told (after we got close) that he had a 30-minute window to ask me anything he wanted about my past and I would answer.  My "number", anything dicey I ever did, etc. and after that window closed and I never would talk about it again.  Know what?  He didn't want to know anything... he said [paraphrased] the woman I was that day was made up of all my past experiences and he wouldn't change a thing because that's the woman I love.  I married that guy, 25+ years ago.  Yes, ups and downs but we're still together.

He gave me his TRUST.  Know what?  I valued that gift so much that I wouldn't, couldn't do anything to violate it.  That is such a huge feeling 🙂

I wish it for you some day.  It doesn't matter you did some dicey things.  Part of growing up 😉  But anyone who will punish you for a learning experience is a jerk, period.  You deserve better.

P.S. Imagine if you told him you shoplifted some candy from the store when you were 12 but you felt so horrible you never did it again.  How would you feel if every time you were in the candy store he watched you like a hawk?  Or if your neighbor got burgled and he lifted his eyebrow at you?  Every time something went wrong in the house he blamed you or brought up the shoplifting incident?  Jeez, enough is enough!  People get to move on.

[Cherylyn]

I've told everything about my horrible past to my husband.   My late father was a wife beater,  chain smoking alcoholic,  womanizer and left my mother with $450K debt.  It's very hard to top that. 

My husband could've easily condemned me for being damaged goods yet he has been supremely compassionate and morally supportive ever since day one.  This is despite him hailing from a quintessentially normal,  stable, loving and nurturing family life, siblings and two crazy in love parents.  My father-in-law always treated his wife like a queen.  They always deferred to each other. 

My husband is always the first and only one to defend my honor at every turn.  This is the type of man who is worthy in your life, @Mandyyy_.  Anyone less would never qualify.

Know the difference between a man who always has your back with the highest integrity and the type of man who will throw you under the bus at a moment's notice and dependent on his mood swings. 

Trust your boyfriend as much as you would trust Judas. 

[Andrina]

When you look up articles about controlling abusers, you will see that his behavior is textbook for that behavior. Abuse, followed by sweet behavior, and that same up and down pattern that will never end.

Congratulations on your self-improvement. I think you still have a ways to go before being ready to date, as your self-worth isn't where it should be yet. Otherwise, you would've exited at the very first red flag or bad behavior from this man. With him being a broken man, he likely targeted you as someone who might accept his BS.

Free yourself of him, and be careful that he doesn't try to reel you back in, or demand to be in your life by stalking you at home or work. Blocking his number, and changing your locks if he has a key, would be a great start. 

Even with mistakes that are more minor in nature, if a partner keeps beating a dead horse, it's not a healthy relationship. People argue, but a good reason is to resolve an issue and be done with it. When someone uses your past as a hurtful weapon, he should be put into YOUR past. Take care.

[Cherylyn]

43 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When you look up articles about controlling abusers, you will see that his behavior is textbook for that behavior. Abuse, followed by sweet behavior, and that same up and down pattern that will never end.

Congratulations on your self-improvement. I think you still have a ways to go before being ready to date, as your self-worth isn't where it should be yet. Otherwise, you would've exited at the very first red flag or bad behavior from this man. With him being a broken man, he likely targeted you as someone who might accept his BS.

Free yourself of him, and be careful that he doesn't try to reel you back in, or demand to be in your life by stalking you at home or work. Blocking his number, and changing your locks if he has a key, would be a great start. 

Even with mistakes that are more minor in nature, if a partner keeps beating a dead horse, it's not a healthy relationship. People argue, but a good reason is to resolve an issue and be done with it. When someone uses your past as a hurtful weapon, he should be put into YOUR past. Take care.

Well said @Andrina  👍

[Seraphim]

He is abusive and you need to leave this person. Period. I was sexually abused as a child and when I told my husband before we married he wept for me and has upheld me the last 34 years. THAT is what a good partner does. 

[smackie9]

I agree abusers have this up and down behavior. One minute they put you down, or argue, then they switch to sometimes apologize or act all sweet like nothing happened. That's why things have been up and down in your relationship.... it's not you it's his nature as an abusive/jealous/insecure personality. There is no fixing this. 

[boltnrun]

He's not going to stop doing something that gives him so much pleasure. He enjoys controlling you.  He enjoys feeling superior to you. I bet you even tell him you love him! He gets everything and you get...abused. 

I would not continue in this relationship.

[Mandyyy_]

Hi everyone. Just a quick update and I want to thank you all for your responses. This week has been crazy.

My boyfriend has been even more rude for the past few weeks. Just some examples:

1)2 weeks ago we were making breakfast, I told him that I wanted to make a smoothie for us, he passed me the ingredients and he immediately started doing me micromanagement. he usually does it. He starts complaining about how I cut the ingredients or use the blender. He told me that I didn't know how to cook and that no one taught me to cook. I got upset, he then accused me of being ungrateful because he was making me breakfast.

 

2) Also, about 2 weeks ago, we were going to an expo with my parents, he started speaking to me about something and I just said "everything is going to be ok", he yelled at me because he thought that I was just being condescending and that I was not paying attention to him. I am very sensitive, so I started to cry, he then tried to grab my hand and when I refused, he accused me of overreacting.

 

Yesterday, I went out with a friend (women), I left him know and he asked me if I was lying.  I told him, that I was not lying and told him that he could go with me and my friend. I am going to be honest, I had a few drinks, I am so ashamed because I have been fighting so hard to not drink but I have been under a lot of stress, also some days ago I got an update about the rape complaint from years ago, I honestly thought that was closed. He arrived to the bar, was giving me attitude all the time, I don't remember a lot but my friend told me that he was being very rude to me. I think it was because I was drunk and is not an excuse but he wanted me to leave the bar with him at 8:30pm and when I didn't want to go, he left me alone at the bar. I panicked, followed him, we got into a fight and I hit him. I feel like such a monster, I hit him on the chest. He broke up with me, now he is accusing me of being abusive, I have apologized a lot of times but he asked me for space. I feel so awful. I have never hit anyone. He is saying that I disrespect him, he told me to give him space and that he will not delete my number because he is not like other guys and he can try to be my friend. I have been sending him messages but he is just being so cold.

[kai.rou]

This guy is abusive, as others have said. The fact he’s trying to keep your number and “stay friends”, is so he keep you around and leave you dangling by a string constantly, at his every beck and call. Please PLEASE block his number, delete his number, go no contact with him.

It will be hard, yes, and you probably do feel like you want him back, but don’t give into it; he is not a good person and he’s incredibly controlling to you from what you’ve described, plus all of the back and forth behaviour, the gaslighting, the crazy-making, and then the deflecting and projecting (calling YOU the abuser because you finally snapped, after all this time putting up with HIS abuse!).

I don’t condone violence at all, of any sort, but there’s a name for what you did to him: reactive abuse. Please look it up if you have a minute, and I’m sure you’ll be able to recognize what they’re talking about.

But anyway, be strong and cut this guy out of your life. He’s toxic and abusive, and honestly, the breakup is a blessing in disguise though it may not feel like it right now. 
DO NOT text him or call him any more; that’s exactly what he wants. This is another way he can keep control and a hold over you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Also, he has a porn addiction, and it’s okay for him to go searching up all kinds of stuff and all kinds of women, doing all kinds of whatever, but it’s “wrong” for you to have been an escort for a short period of time!? Wow. The double standards… He is literally looking up women for sexual gratification, yet it’s “wrong” for women to do it? He can’t have it both ways!

The sooner you’re rid of this terrible person, and continue with the therapy, the better you will likely feel.

Personally, I wouldn’t date anyone for a while if I were you. Work on yourself first; you’re dealing with a lot right now and I guess it must be incredibly traumatic for you. 
Focus on healing yourself before pursuing any kind of relationship, trust me on this. I’m single by choice for a former sex addiction myself, years ago. I’m nowhere near ready to date yet and don’t know when or if I ever will be. Being single isn’t a bad thing, you know. It doesn’t mean you’re “behind in life” or anything, and working on bettering yourself is so much more rewarding and healthy in the long run.

I’m really sorry you’ve been through all of this.

Best of luck 

[boltnrun]

Please don't try to reconcile with an abuser.

Instead, seek support whether it's in the form of friends and family, professional help or both.

[smackie9]

That is what narcissists do. They keep acting the victim, making sure you feel bad all the time because how dare you call them out on their poor behaviour. They always flip it around, especially when they don't get the reaction they want. They act out when you don't pay attention to them, or make it all about them. They get aggressive, throw tantrums (breaking up) stomp off. Running after them is what they want you to do..that was your mistake. You lost control, that gave him all the control....see what I am getting at here? Stay away from this monster.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

That is what narcissists do. They keep acting the victim, making sure you feel bad all the time because how dare you call them out on their poor behaviour. They always flip it around, especially when they don't get the reaction they want. They act out when you don't pay attention to them, or make it all about them. They get aggressive, throw tantrums (breaking up) stomp off. Running after them is what they want you to do..that was your mistake. You lost control, that gave him all the control....see what I am getting at here? Stay away from this monster.

@smackie9  Yes,  story of my life and all too familiar,  unfortunately.  ☹️  You hit the nail on the head.

[Cherylyn]

He actually did you a favor by breaking up with you.  Don't apologize anymore.  Be done with that and him.  Go NC (no contact) permanently.  Give him space forever as you do likewise for yourself.  Don't feel awful.  Be glad,  grateful and relieved!  He disrespected you countless times.  Don't be friends with him.  Block and delete his number.  Stop sending him messages.  It's over.  Ditch the loser.  Move on with your life and give yourself a fresh start.  Start anew. 

[Tinydance]

Actually I'd just like to point out that not literally all men won't date someone who was a sex worker. One of my friends was (is?) a sex worker and she did some web camping and erotic photoshoots too. She was pretty open about it and she had partners and they didn't care. I think maybe now she doesn't do it anymore because she has a full-time office job. She's been with her partner for a few years and they live together. Also I myself for example don't mind if someone was a sex worker in the past but I just don't want them to do it now because I want to be in a monogamous relationship.

The thing is your boyfriend either has to forgive you, or break up with you. He can't just keep being rude and emotionally abusive to you. You can't change the past, there's actually nothing you can do about it now. If he doesn't like it that's OK but he can't just keep picking on you all the time. If he truly can't accept it then he needs to leave. You should be with a guy that can actually accept it because you can't change it. I genuinely think there are people out there who would accept it. He's just not one of those people.

[spinstermanquee]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You can't change the past, there's actually nothing you can do about it now. If he doesn't like it that's OK but he can't just keep picking on you all the time. If he truly can't accept it then he needs to leave.

Wise words, Tinydance.  Comforting hugs to Mandy.