kai.rou

This guy is abusive, as others have said. The fact he’s trying to keep your number and “stay friends”, is so he keep you around and leave you dangling by a string constantly, at his every beck and call. Please PLEASE block his number, delete his number, go no contact with him. It will be hard, yes, and you probably do feel like you want him back, but don’t give into it; he is not a good person and he’s incredibly controlling to you from what you’ve described, plus all of the back and forth behaviour, the gaslighting, the crazy-making, and then the deflecting and projecting (calling YOU the abuser because you finally snapped, after all this time putting up with HIS abuse!). I don’t condone violence at all, of any sort, but there’s a name for what you did to him: reactive abuse. Please look it up if you have a minute, and I’m sure you’ll be able to recognize what they’re talking about. But anyway, be strong and cut this guy out of your life. He’s toxic and abusive, and honestly, the breakup is a blessing in disguise though it may not feel like it right now. DO NOT text him or call him any more; that’s exactly what he wants. This is another way he can keep control and a hold over you. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Also, he has a porn addiction, and it’s okay for him to go searching up all kinds of stuff and all kinds of women, doing all kinds of whatever, but it’s “wrong” for you to have been an escort for a short period of time!? Wow. The double standards… He is literally looking up women for sexual gratification, yet it’s “wrong” for women to do it? He can’t have it both ways! The sooner you’re rid of this terrible person, and continue with the therapy, the better you will likely feel. Personally, I wouldn’t date anyone for a while if I were you. Work on yourself first; you’re dealing with a lot right now and I guess it must be incredibly traumatic for you. Focus on healing yourself before pursuing any kind of relationship, trust me on this. I’m single by choice for a former sex addiction myself, years ago. I’m nowhere near ready to date yet and don’t know when or if I ever will be. Being single isn’t a bad thing, you know. It doesn’t mean you’re “behind in life” or anything, and working on bettering yourself is so much more rewarding and healthy in the long run. I’m really sorry you’ve been through all of this. Best of luck

I am neither married or have kids, but I agree with boltnrun’s reply to you. What he’s doing to you is so far beyond disgusting and disrespectful as your husband. Heck, I was a pretty reprehensible person in my past and treated women pretty poorly, (but grew up and got help for it, and completely changed!) and even I think this guy is a total disgrace. I’m so sorry. No one deserves to be treated like this! I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but honestly, I do think you should set the wheels in motion to leave him. He is, as others have pointed out, treating you like a prostitution service. All of this “give me sex or I ‘can’t’ (more like WON’T!) do such and such” is not just childish, but honestly pretty sick and indicative of possibly a sex addiction, if what he’s claiming is actually true - that he can’t function or do ANYTHING if he isn’t given sex first! (I don’t want to armchair diagnose here, but it sounds like it’s highly possible, and believe me, that’s never ever a good thing!) I do think you should cut your losses and leave. Don’t do the whole “staying for the children” thing; sadly it does them more harm than good in the long run. Speaking from experience as the kid of parents who did just that. You and your child both deserve a lot better. Best of luck!

I literally did not attack anyone by standing up for myself when people were being rude to me in the first place, accusing me of things that I had already said were not the case and would never be???? Please just stop.

Figured I would update this, since I now have one… But first things first, let me just reiterate (AGAIN): 1) My feelings for my friend are romantic, not sexual. 2) I have not told her, had absolutely no intention OF telling her, and even LESS intention of doing anything about it! 3) I have in fact distanced myself from her, which I previously stated. I did “leave her alone”, but she kept asking me what was going on and why I was hardly speaking to them anymore, what the problem was etc. - She picked up on my distancing and figured out something was wrong. That’s not me “blaming” her for anything! 4) I am absolutely not ready to start dating anyone just yet. Don’t know if or when I will ever be, and I don’t feel it’s fair for me to date other women any time soon in an effort to get over someone else; I don’t want to fall back into the business of using women again, for anything. I am done with that. It’s a crappy thing to do, and I vowed never to hurt anyone else ever again. Now, on to the update itself: So I’m moving away. Like I figured I should do… Thankfully, my job has another branch, and I managed to get granted a transfer. So I’m moving to the city where their other branch is, later this month. Turns out my boss has a much younger brother around my age ish (only just a few years older) who is actually looking for a roommate, so I’m going to go move in there until I get my own place. Anyway, my friend - the one I have feelings for - figured out I was acting distant and so on, and pretty much confronted me about it, so I just said that work was moving me to their other branch, and I had to move for the job. She and her husband who I’m also friends with, actually seemed genuinely upset, which surprised me! Don’t know why, but it did… I feel awful. Like truly truly awful. I didn’t want to lie, but I obviously couldn’t tell her the truth either; neither of us has anything to gain from that, and I don’t want to ruin her marriage. They don’t deserve that. And I also feel awful because now I can go LC/NC (low contact/no contact) much easier. It really sucks, and to be honest I am really really sad about it, because I’m losing two amazing friends, the best ones I ever EVER had, and probably ever will have. But… yeah. Unfortunately it has to be done. Thankfully, my boss’s brother/my new soon to be roommate is a really cool guy, and we’ve met up a couple times already, and have another meet up soon before I move in, just to kind of get to know each other and get comfortable with each other first, make sure that each other isn’t a total weirdo or anything before we commit to being roomies 😂 He’s a really cool guy, really nice, seems down to be friends with me. So… I guess (I hope!) I’ve made a new friend already out of this! Fingers crossed. So yup. That’s where this is at right now.

Well I did come here for actual advice, and no I did not “attack” anyone. People have accused me of “being like a tiger ready to pounce” (even though I stated multiple times I would NEVER tell her or make a move, and had NO intention whatsoever of doing so, or breaking up a happy couple!). Was also accused of “having sexual feelings” (when, again, I stated the feelings were romantic. NOT sexual), and told that apparently “this will fall on deaf ears” etc etc amongst other things that I have since hidden as I ignored/blocked the users in question. I came for genuine advice, not to be insulted or attacked. And yes, I was attacked, and accused of things I wasn’t even doing. Just like you’re doing now, by accusing me of BLAMING my friend?! What?! Not ONCE have I EVER “blamed her”!?!? WHERE? HOW?! I am fully aware that she’s not to blame in this… Pretty sure I even stated that. How could it possibly be her fault? Also not once have I ever “acted the victim” lol I have taken full responsibility. Okay, I’m convinced I’m just being trolled at this point. But on the off-chance that you’re not trolling, PLEASE read my post properly, and my replies. I’ve stated numerous times now that I have opted to move away as it is easier on all of us. I HAVE left her alone - again, I stated this numerous times!? It is so tiring and frustrating having to constantly repeat myself. I came here for genuine advice. That was literally it. Not judgment, accusations or attacks on my character.

Thank you! Sorry, I’ve been home and job hunting, hence the delayed response. Yeah, I think getting away from here is probably the best solution. It’ll hurt me for a while I bet, but at least I won’t be hurting them. Hopefully I’ll meet some new people (who won’t be pestered by the bitter exes and ditch me this time!) Trying to remain hopeful ish. Thanks again!

Honestly neither was I until leaving my old small town became necessary for my recovery. I didn’t see it so much as running AWAY, but more running TOWARDS recovery and a fresh start. If that makes sense? This would be me running towards a new life and a fresh start again, I guess? It really sucks because I finally FINALLY made real friends that I wanted to keep forever, and I just had to go and fall in love with one of them. Typical, right? Thankfully my job keeps me pretty busy. Not a fan of hiking to be honest and I’m not really very sporty or artistic or musical, but I’m sure (I hope!) that I’ll find something, wherever I end up going to. thanks!

Yeah, it’s sad but it does seem to be my only option here without hurting anyone else. 😞 I’m condo-hunting and job-hunting online right now. Thankfully, there are quite a few options in the area(s) I’m considering, and I’m fortunate enough to have a pretty good income, so that won’t be an issue. It does suck, though. Hmm, yeah, I have upped my security settings on all of my social media accounts, changed my usernames on those where I can do that, changed my photos to my cat, and have blocked all of these people, but I have a suspicion that they’re using fake accounts, so I have no idea what their names are on those if that’s the case? I know I hurt these people, but I really have changed, and I did send them sincere apologies. I’m not expecting forgiveness, I never was. I’m not naive or entitled to think they “owe” me either of those things, but the way they’re obsessively stalking me now it seems, and trying to wreck any chances of friendships/connections with anyone, is really unsettling and unhinged. I’m no angel here, absolutely not, and I can’t imagine how they must have felt when I cheated on them, but these particular women were 9 and 8 years ago… I’m absolutely not implying they should “just get over it”, but at least move on with their lives and get some therapy themselves, because I’m sorry but what is their behaviour now going to achieve? It won’t help or serve them in any way, it won’t erase what I did, or anything like that. Setting out to deliberately ruin the rest of my life when I’ve put in so much work to change, heal and grow as a person, is equally as disgusting. Not every leopard is incapable of changing their spots. I had an addiction, and I beat it. I’m not that guy any more, they really need to stop this toxic behaviour. Sorry for that rant! Anyway, yes, I’m definitely seriously considering moving away for all of our sakes. If the harassment from my exes continues in my next place, if I do make new friends there and they try to sabotage that too, I may even consider reporting them for harassment. I have collected evidence over the years, but was always hesitant to report it due to my past. I always felt that if I reported it, the cops would probably think me a deserving POS, too?

I am seriously considering it. I’ve said that multiple times too

Thank you. I really am not in a fantasy though. I’m under absolutely no illusions here at all; I know I can’t have her, and I don’t want to be in any relationship to be honest. I’m making no effort to try and “steal” her either, for lack of a better word. I couldn’t do that to them. It literally is just feelings. Well, not JUST feelings, because they’re so strong, but hopefully you know what I mean? I’m absolutely not planning on acting on them at all. I would LIKE to be in a place where I could be in a relationship, but I’m not in denial here; I know I’m not ready for that. And yeah, in a perfect world, if she was single, then perhaps I might pursue something later down the line, but as I know this is not a perfect world, and I’m in full grasp of reality here, I know that thinking that way is illogical, and is moot. I am not going to pursue her. I never was. I do feel overwhelming feelings for her, absolutely, and they are nothing like anything I have ever felt before. I’ve had crushes, intense crushes, infatuations, sexual feelings etc in the past, and this is nothing like any of those. I truly care for her, which is why I know she’s better off with her husband and I would never do anything to come between or hurt them. I’m definitely not ready to date right now. I’m not sure I ever will be? Even if I was, I’m repulsed by even the thought of having sex with anyone ever again lol, so I doubt it would go very well! I really wish I didn’t have these feelings. Unfortunately it does seem like leaving is my only option which will be better for everyone

I honestly can’t tell her. I’m worried about what it might do to their marriage, too. I mean, how would it look to her husband if I confessed? Like I was trying to swoop in and I really really am not at all. I don’t want to cause problems for them. I am seriously intending to move away from the area. I feel it’s the only real option here for everyone’s sake. This whole thing hurts like hell, and I guess leaving will put that distance between us without having to actually brutally end a friendship. It will fizzle out naturally because I won’t be there physically any more, I guess. That way, I won’t have to hurt her and let her down the way so many others have done in the past by just brutally and abruptly ending the friendship/ditching her, but I’ll be quite literally miles away with any luck, so she won’t be expecting any meet-ups any more or anything like that.

I have said repeatedly that I AM in therapy and also I DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR HER. The feelings are romantic, NOT sexual. Please read my post and replies properly before replying. I have said this multiple times now.

I have not been even remotely DISrespectful? But I’ve been insulted by two other users and accused of things I have not done and would not do. All I have said is that I won’t tolerate it. Could you perhaps delete their rude comments please?

To the two users I have added to my “ignore” list after the accusations and insults, please stop replying to my thread. I don’t wish to engage with you any more, and thankfully I can’t see your replies, however it does tell me that you have replied. Please just leave me alone. I came here for genuine advice, not judgment, baseless accusations and insults. Thanks.

Thank you. Oh no I know for sure she’s not perfect (we met in group therapy after all lol), I know a lot about her now, and I know she’s definitely not perfect, he isn’t either, and I know no relationship is perfect, but theirs is as close to it as it’s possible to get, I guess. To be honest, I don’t think I’m looking for anything at all. I’m definitely not seeking a romantic relationship, because I can’t trust myself not to fall back into old habits quite yet. Though I think I’ve been doing a damn good job of it, all things considered! I’m definitely not looking for perfection, I’d be a major hypocrite if I was haha - I’m very flawed myself, obviously! I am too afraid to be in any romantic relationship, and honestly it’s like my feelings had “switched off” entirely until I met and got to know her. I would never ever cross any boundaries ever again. Knowing what devastation I caused in the past, I couldn’t do that again. I don’t identify with the “old me” any more. I hate him, he makes me sick to be honest. Hurting my two only friends is absolutely not an option for me. I am definitely considering moving away, even if it’s only temporary until these feelings go away. I guess I could look into clubs and stuff, but I’m not sure there would be many for a guy in his 30s wherever I go? I’m not super sporty and definitely not artistic in any way or interested in music, so I’m not sure what I COULD do? But I could look I guess. I would love to meet and make new friends, but unfortunately people (women) from my past have a habit of finding out who I associate with via social media (how? I have NO idea!) and then “reaching out to them” to “spill all the tea” about my past. Sadly I have lost many friends over the last few years that way, once they find out. Apparently people can’t seem to grasp the concept of growth and change in others? It sucks. I have blocked these bitter women on everything but I guess they must be using fake accounts to stalk me online and try and alienate any friends I make? My two friends are the only people it didn’t work on. Yes, seriously. I would love to just die and be reborn as someone else entirely and start completely anew, but I can’t do that sadly. Seems my past is going to haunt me everywhere I go. And I have no hopes (and no intentions!) of ever finding The One any more to be honest. Even if I do one day finally allow myself to do that, I can’t see any woman who would trust me. I know that’s my own fault but it still hurts. I know addiction is a mental illness and I have gotten help and still am, but due to the stigma surrounding it I feel I’m probably going to grow old and die alone and that’s a horrible feeling.

Please, for the love of god, PROPERLY READ MY POST AND REPLIES before replying. I don’t appreciate being insulted, accused of things I’m not doing or have no intention of doing AT ALL, or given armchair psychoanalyses/diagnoses from people. I am in a really crappy situation here, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, and it seems my only option here is to leave and move away. Believe me, I have tried to keep my distance and not hang out with her, but she got so upset by it because she feels like she’s just being ditched all over again; something which happened to her en masse for years and left her with betrayal trauma (hence why she was in therapy, among other reasons, where we met). I don’t want to add to that, and besides which I do enjoy our actual friendship. I don’t have anyone else, and not for lack of trying. Everyone I try to befriend hears of my past and then just ends up walking away. My own family disowned me years ago (a completely separate issue; they abused me). So I have no one. I am completely 100% willing to move away which seems like my only option here. It’ll be a lot harder to find this kind of therapy I’m having at the moment, but I don’t see any other choice. I didn’t CHOOSE to fall for an unavailable woman! It’s not exactly a nice experience! It’s awful, I hate every moment of it! I miss when we were just friends, but the longer our friendship went on, the more I spent time with her and learned what kind of person she was, the more my feelings grew. There’s nothing sinister or planned about this. It is what it is. And I’m definitely NOT “waiting to pounce”! I’ve learned from my past mistakes and bad choices - I’m not going to repeat them any time soon! God no! This whole thing is ripping me to pieces. So maybe please try not to be rude and insulting in your responses. There’s no need for that; it’s uncalled for and it’s untrue. You don’t know me to make those kinds of judgments and accusations about me. I will be ignoring/blocking anyone who insults me. I don’t have to put up with that.

Um. No. I’m not lol. I’m absolutely NOT “waiting to pounce”. I’ve stated MULTIPLE TIMES that I’ve got no intention of even telling her, and absolutely not acting on it! I think it’s you with the “deaf ears” here. Did you really need to resort to insults? I’m absolutely NOT “clinging on to” any “imaginary world”. What the ***? Where did you get that from?! There was really no need to attack me like that. I’m not giving into any temptation, either. Also I don’t appreciate the armchair psychoanalysis; I didn’t willingly fall for this woman, and there is no ulterior motive behind it either!? I don’t WANT to feel this way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly thrilled about how I feel and I have absolutely no intention of even letting her know, let alone acting on it! I have stated my reasons in other replies as to why I don’t want to just ditch her. However, I think my willingness to literally MOVE AWAY proves my point that I’m completely willing to put some distance between us!!!! Again, you didn’t need to be rude and try and insult me, or imply that I’m doing any of this on purpose or for any “motive”. There is no motive. I just happened to fall for someone. I didn’t ask to. I didn’t want to. I was perfectly fine just being her friend but unfortunately I don’t get to choose my feelings! I would NEVER try to sabotage her marriage. Try reading my posts and other replies before attacking me.

I WAS doing it…? I still am. But if I do that then I risk losing her entirely, even as a friend. That is my problem here. It’s easy to say “just do it” when you’re not in this situation. The thing is, she and her husband are pretty much the only real friends I have. If I lose them, I have nobody. Not for lack of trying, either.

Yeah, I’ve been trying that, but unfortunately she’s noticed and called me out on it. I fed her some “I’ve been super busy” line, which I felt awful for because I HATE lying, and she doesn’t tolerate liars either. But she isn’t stupid; she is not only a business owner, but also a mom, so she’s ACTUALLY very very busy! But she still makes time for others. So she definitely knows something is up, and called BS on it, then asked me for the real reason, but obviously I can’t tell her the truth. That’s why I’m looking into moving away again. At least then I can give her the “I was looking at new places to live, and for a new job” excuse. I know it sounds horrible but I don’t see any other choice. She’s been ditched, ostracized, bullied and worse by former friends before, even well into adulthood, so she’s definitely seeing red flags here again, though my reasoning is nowhere near as sinister and hurtful as theirs was to her! I feel genuinely heartbroken. Like someone’s kicking me in the gut and punching me in the chest constantly, it’s horrible!

It wasn’t me that told anyone; it’s people from my past. As soon as they find out I have any friends, they would find them on social media and message them “spilling the tea” about me. Mostly women I had slept with or ones I had cheated on years ago. Despite me also apologizing years ago to these women, and sincerely meaning it, they’ve chosen to be bitter still, and try to ruin my life and any chance I have of rebuilding myself. I am not the person I used to be; I don’t identify with him any more. The guy I used to be makes me sick and want to kick his ass. I hate him. I’ve worked so, SO hard to turn my life around, and I have done. But these people seem hell bent on trying to destroy me. I know I hurt them and I used them, and I probably caused them irreversible betrayal and trust trauma, and I cannot undo that as much as I wish I could. But I did honestly and sincerely apologize to them and took full accountability, but they just won’t let go, or let me move on, and in acting like this, they won’t move on themselves either. They seem hell bent on poisoning anyone and everyone against me, and refuse to accept that I have changed and gotten my act together. So yeah, I wasn’t the one who told people. And yes I know, I have been, but she’s beginning to figure out that something is up because I’ve been keeping my distance. She’s asked me for the real reason and I can’t tell her, obviously. At this point I feel like moving away again is my only option. But also I just feel this massive gaping hole in my chest and I feel like someone is constantly kicking me in the stomach, and I’m not too proud to admit that this has all made me cry a few times. This is my first ever time being in love and it sucks that it has to be with someone I can’t and will never have. I feel quite literally heartbroken.

Another update since I need to keep making this clear apparently: I AM already in therapy. I have stated this numerous times. I am having romantic feelings- NOT sexual. I know she is off limits, hence why I have no intention at all of telling her or making any kind of move. Again, I have stated this. Thanks.

I already do have therapy for those things. I have definitely tried to seek out functioning relationships (well, friendships, nothing romantic. I’ve sworn myself off those by my own choice), but unfortunately it’s more the case that people don’t want to know ME. They find out about my past, and automatically assume that I am some sort of monster or a criminal (which I’m not.) They also seem to think that people can’t grow and change. So it isn’t like I haven’t tried to form friendships - I have. But they hear about “the old me” who doesn’t even exist any more, and decide to drop me. I don’t think it’s just because she accepted me, that I love her. It isn’t just that. It’s everything about her, as I’ve said. She’s just an all around amazing person, and it’s hard NOT to fall in love with her. At least in my opinion (and clearly her husband’s!) I am fully aware she’s off limits. I have no intention of doing anything about it, and never have. At the moment, I’m not hanging out with her, but she’s started to notice this distancing, and has become upset about it and asked if she’s done anything wrong. Of course I told her she hasn’t, and that I’m just very busy. But she’s not stupid. She’s a business owner herself, not to mention a mother, and SHE is extremely busy! But she still makes time for others. Unfortunately, she’s had awful friendships in the past that were abusive towards her, and many who just ditched her, and went on to make sure she was totally ostracized and isolated, fabricated smear campaigns against her, harassed and stalked and bullied her - yes even in adulthood! So sadly now, she sees me distancing myself and probably thinks it’s happening all over again, and for that I feel awful. I don’t want to hurt her like that again. So she kind of called bullsh*t on it and asked me for the “real reason”. Of course, I couldn’t tell her and I won’t be telling her! How can I? What will that achieve? I don’t want to come between them, and I also don’t want to ruin two of the best friendships I’ve ever had or am ever likely to have! I don’t see that I have any other option BUT to move away. At least then I can give the excuse I was looking at new places to live and for a new job, as an explanation as to why I haven’t been hanging out lately… I HATE lying, but I feel I have no choice. She knows something is up. She just doesn’t know what. Believe me, I KNOW she’s off limits. I can’t help how I feel though, and I have no intention of acting on any of this. Ultimately I want her to be happy and in a good marriage, which she is. I already AM in therapy… I have stated this already??

I have not been in any kind of relationship or dated at all since I moved away and got myself help 6 years ago. I have been deliberately avoiding both, because I am too afraid of hurting someone again. That, and I have had no genuine feelings or interest in any other woman until now. Not even sexual attraction any more. I have undergone some very intense CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) specifically aimed at this type of addiction, over the years, and also group talking therapy/counselling outside of that, which is where I met her last year. In having this type of CBT, I had to “rewire my brain”, so to speak. It seems to have “switched off” that desire to want sex at all. Now I’m frightened and repulsed by the thought of it. So I suppose, yes, I have closed myself off from forming meaningful relationships, but not because I’m afraid of being hurt, but because I’m afraid of being the one to CAUSE hurt again. As far as friendships go, I haven’t closed myself off to those; more like people hear about my past, think I’m some monster or even a criminal (yes, people have assumed I am a rapist or sexual abuser, even though I never actually was. I never EVER stooped that low!) So it’s more like people don’t want to associate with ME! They judge me before they get to know me, and in some ways I don’t blame them. But it does hurt. All I’ve wanted is real friendships for the past 6 years, and now I finally have them, I’ve fallen in love with one of them! 😞

I just want to make it very crystal clear to any future repliers that my feelings for this woman are romantic, not physical. In my original post, I did actually say that the thought of sex absolutely terrifies me now! So it’s completely out of the question. I am still in complete control of myself in that area of things. When I say I find myself wishing I could kiss her and hold her, I mean exactly that: just a kiss (not “making out” type kissing, but just chaste kisses.) And holding her, meaning cuddling her. That is it.

Yes I am still in therapy. I have said this already. No I’m not having sexual fantasies about her at all? I have even stated in my original post that this isn’t the case. I know the difference between what I used to feel, and what I feel now. This is not a relapse whatsoever, please read my post properly. I did explain that nothing about how I feel is sexual or physical in any way. The feelings are romantic, not physical. When I say I envision kissing her and holding her, it is literally just that. Kissing and cuddling. Nothing sexual.