Husband [32] accuses me [28] of nagging him; now wants to be left alone

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

NO.   You can't be suggesting anything to him about his behavior.  Sorry, but that ship has sailed and it's not an option in the relationship you and your husband have forged together.  You are the nagging mommy, he is the recalcitrant teenager.

Frankly he doesn't need your help or suggestions to "know" that excessive drinking, being a slob, procrastination are not good for your marriage or for him.   HE KNOWS ALREADY, probably times 1000.

It's up to him whether to do anything about it.

As I have said, you can make boundaries.  You can designate a portion of your home where your rules apply and he is not allowed to bring his messes in there.   If he encroaches you can put his stuff out and ask him to respect your space.  If he's trashing objects that belong to you, you can tell him that those are your things and he needs to leave them alone.

 

And if you devolve into this, you no longer have a marriage. You have an awkward, uncomfortable roommate situation.

Consider if this is what you truly want.

Also realize he is not going to "change" and think about how that realization affects your willingness to stay in this marriage. 

[felurian]

I’m back home now. I’m upset and wondering if I’m the ***. 
 

I’m still hurt that he disinvited me from his parents house, told me to leave him alone Sunday morning,  and then cancelled our upcoming weekend plans. He says it’s his boundary and he will continue to uphold it because whether it was my intention or not, I hurt him. He said he doesn’t care about intentions, if I hurt him he is in the right to enact a boundary.

 

while he says his actions are setting boundaries, I view them as punishment. Punishment for suggesting we make headway on buying a house. He says it was really the comments made earlier during our day that irked him. I explain that while my actions aren’t justified, the comments came from hurt. Deep pain and a sense of betrayal that he lied about his porn use. And now the residual insecurity I have regarding what I feel is his true preference.  I then brought up, if I had never brought up home buying, he wouldn’t have cancelled our plans. Which he admitted was true, that the nagging was the straw that broke the camels back. 

 

In my heart I feel he is just being vindictive and spiteful. But when I step back, I can see why he doesn’t want to bend over backwards for a wife who doesn’t trust her husband (he feels he has been trustworthy and doesn’t deserve the low opinion I have of him.) so from his perspective, I get it.

 

I just can’t help but feel so gosh darn hurt. 
 

 

[Jibralta]

46 minutes ago, felurian said:

In my heart I feel he is just being vindictive and spiteful.

It seems like you both volley vindictiveness and spitefulness back and forth. You with the comments, him with the stonewalling. You each do it because you're hurt. That doesn't make it ok. You just end up hurting each other more. And then you don't listen to each other. You're each arguing about a different thing. It's like you live on separate islands.

[Cherylyn]

Don't buy a house otherwise you're in for a bad, legal dilemma.  He doesn't sound like a keeper.  Co-parent?  Yes.  As a partner,  boyfriend or husband?  Nope.  ☹️

[Tinydance]

Just from what I'm reading from your posts, it sounds like both you and your boyfriend aren't behaving your best. I'm trying to be sensitive to your feelings about the porn but I also don't think you're being very reasonable.

You made a comment to your boyfriend like: "We would never be able to open a Korean restaurant because you would be cheating on me with all the Asian female staff". If he has never cheated or done anything along those lines, yes that comment is very hurtful. He said something to you in his E-mail along the lines of that he's sick of the fact you think so badly of him. And let's be honest, you DO think badly of him. You said as much in your posts. I mean, it's not surprising he's fed up with it. Even if he's doing some off putting things but it's just human nature that someone is going to feel hurt and get defensive if they're constantly being criticised. And especially if the comments are unfounded like saying he'd cheat on you if he never has done anything like that before.

I want to add again that I understand you're a Christian and you don't agree with porn. I just get the sense from a lot of women who are against their boyfriend watching porn that it's also coming from a place of insecurity about yourself. You actually did say that you were concerned that because he's watching Asian women porn that he actually secretly only wants to be with Asian women. That thought is actually planted in your own mind.

You need to remember that your partner can be with someone else at any given time. The only thing keeping them with you is that by free will they're making the choice to be with you. So I just think it's not helpful to get suspicious that your partner would rather be with XYZ women. Anyone can think that about their partner but all it does is make you feel insecure and more resentful towards your partner.

I was actually having this conversation with a girl on another forum. She said that she was really angry her boyfriend watches porn. She said the women in the porn had big breasts or something but she doesn't. She also said she felt insecure and like he's not attracted to her because she also had a baby and had a caesarean scar. But she did say he watched porn from the start but because they didn't live together she turned a blind eye to it. So I said to her basically what I was saying to you. She got so angry and yelled at me and blocked me. So I just can't help but feel this largely comes from internal insecurity and what I said really hit a nerve.

[Jaunty]

I just looked at your posting history.  Seems that you've been posting about your problems with this guy since 2019 and it's been terrible the whole time.   He's been a jerk, you've been nagging and bugging, he had to be dragged to the altar. 

Where's the positive aspect?  Is there any?

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to brace yourself for him ending this marriage, OP. 

He is stepping further and further away. The signs are all pointing to him wanting out altogether. 

[felurian]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

And especially if the comments are unfounded like saying he'd cheat on you if he never has done anything like that before.

Matthew 5:28: 
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart

Now I’m sure we can all agree, if my partner were to ever visit a prostitute and lay with her, he’d be committing adultery.

now how about he purchases a prostitute but watches her touch herself while he touches himself?

Okay maybe he doesn’t purchase a prostitute, but seeks a live sex worker online? One he can interact with, but still isn’t touching? 
 

Finally, now he is seeking a paid sex worker (although not paid by him and in all honesty has most likely been human trafficked and coerced into the position she is in) to masturbate to, to imagine laying with. How is this not a complete betrayal of the promise to love, cherish, respect, and honor only me, within our covenant marriage? How is seeking a sex worker online any different than purchasing a prostitute? The veil of pixels hides the intention of the act which is to fantasize and release to the thought of other women. And to reiterate, we discussed porn before getting married. I never made an ultimatum but I explained exactly why it was something I personally could not tolerate in a relationship. Instead of respecting MY boundary, he lied to me. He was the one that promised to stop looking at porn. He betrayed me and demonstrated a lack of respect of my wishes. 
 

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You actually did say that you were concerned that because he's watching Asian women porn that he actually secretly only wants to be with Asian women. That thought is actually planted in your own mind.

Again, the first time I found his porn, it was a folder on his computer devoted to his MULTIPLE Asian ex girlfriends. I am African American. I look nothing like the women of his past. One of the folders was even titled, “best girlfriend”. When I caught him looking at porn after lying to me (discovery day 2) his exact search was, “Asian girl cream pi3” I had to reconcile that instead of laying with me, his own wife, my husband sought  out a random women who doesn’t even know he exists, but looks like the women he has dated in his past, so he could fantasize about filling her up with his load instead of sleeping with me. 
 

Coupled with the lying, how am I not supposed to feel insecure? How can I rest assuredly that I’m my husbands first choice in partner. The porn he seeks doesn’t even look like me. He’d rather pretend to be laying with the women he prefers than to touch me?

 

Not to sound conceited, but I know I am attractive. I’m petite, hourglass figure, and toned. I’m extremely girly, take care of my eyebrows, nails, hair is natural and full. I’m 28 and am routinely mistaken for 18-20. I enjoy sex and when emotionally fulfilled, desire to be with husband at least 2-3x per week. Im not insecure in my looks, but in that my husband settled for me. That if an Asian women he fancies were to give him a genuine chance, he’d bolt because that’s his true preference. These feelings never arose to this degree until I caught him the second time looking specifically for Asian porn. 

[felurian]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

he had to be dragged to the altar. 

I had dropped the pleading to get married and focused solely on myself following that post. It was right around the time I entered grad school. I got an opportunity to move to Miami for my fellowship year and I remember telling him that I was going to take the opportunity. He was upset at the time and didn’t want to do long distance, but I explained that I couldn’t pass up a great job opportunity for someone who was still unsure of our future. I was willing to do long distance, but respected if he wanted to end our relationship. 
 

upon moving to Miami, HE was the one to suggest marriage after only a month of being long distance. He proposed to me 4 months later. In the end I never coerced him to marry me. I figured not having me readily available allowed him to feel my absence and maybe finally revealed how committed to him I had always been. Like I said, the year apart was actually one of the best years of our relationship. Our communication was on point. He appeared so loving kind and attentive to my needs. It’s one of the times I felt the most secure in our relationship.

[MissCanuck]

You two really should have broken up ages ago. Getting married was a mistake, given the tumultuous history. 

You’re just way too different and it’s never going to work. He seems to be realizing this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, felurian said:

, the year apart was actually one of the best years of our relationship. 

Carefully reflect on this thought. Do you work full time? Do you make enough to live on your own or invest in a house. Why are you with him? Can you afford to support yourself?

Focus on self improvement rather than fixing him.

Do whatever you can to improve your career and finances. Do whatever you can to improve your health and lifestyle. Only focus on fixing you and your life circumstances.

If he's not the same faith as you, preaching at him will only create an even greater rift.  He's pushing you away to get relief from the conflicts and pushiness. And sadly that seems to prompt you to get in his face even more.

You're still too focused on turning him into what you want rather than reflecting if you're compatible. He drinks, gambles, watches porn, procrastinates, is slovenly and just about everything you don't want in a man. 

Strangely you're only focused on whatever type of porn women he looks at  rather than the rest of the red flags and deal breakers. 

[felurian]

We talked again this morning. Long story short, he is open to marriage counseling. I told him I want to lay low for the time being, start focusing on myself and mental health. The constant arguing, him storming off/stonewalling, and me being left to cry is emotionally too much. From his perspective, he is tired of the disrespect and nagging.  We need a third party to help us communicate more effectively. So that we both can stop hurting each other. I’m resolving in my heart that even after counseling we may not be able to recover from the damage that’s been done. 
 

Thank you everyone who has responded. Y’all’s insight have helped me to take a look at my actions and how I’ve contributed to the dysfunction. 
 

[Batya33]

Interesting you said you were so happy and he "appeared" loving -I really don't think I've ever described how my husband treats me as "appeared" - he "is".  

Absolutely since you are religious find someone who aligns with you with those values particularly about porn.  You think your husband is so robot-like that he follows around his specific type like a puppy and since you don't fit it he's likely to stray? That's another low opinion of him.  It's not about looking 18 or doing your nails or looking all cute and pretty when it comes to loyalty in a marriage. You think he's inferior looking -from the inside - right?

I'm a fan of spouses/partners keeping healthy and fit, keeping reasonably clean inside and out because mostly they want them for themselves but also for their partner -their teammate.  If it's all for the partner that's a problem.  If it's focused on physical features and breast size/wrinkles/gray hair to the exclusion of actual health and fitness that's cool if both partners tend to the more um shallow and if it turns them on.  But not if it's one sided. 

I mean my husband saw me try to give birth naturally -no I didn't have my hair done before going into labor, and I think by the time I actually showered post-surgery it had been a few days LOL.  Son is 14. 

He's never strayed, never occurred to me he would.  We've had really gross colds in front of each other, taking overnight flights to Europe (no you can't get a mani/pedi at your coach level seat, sorry), and worn all sorts of unattractive face masks while donning our glasses and floppy winter hats.  K? He wants to take photos of me like that.  He desires me when we're teleworking in non-zoom loungey shapeless clothing.  Same on my end.  I actually do look like some of his exes.  He looks like some of mine and not in the least like others.  Irrelevant. 

I do keep really fit and I do keep clean and fresh as I can - but not because I'm concerned about him straying if I don't (yes if I gained 100 pounds because I no longer cared about myself the issue would be far worse than the weight gain -I get it -there are extremes).

Something is really kind of rotten at the core of your relationship and you try to dress it up with excuses, religion, how he "appeared" - I mean not saying rotten can't be salvaged but this isn't how it's supposed  to be -don't you think??

Edited -just read your latest post now.  Good I'm happy for you both.  All the best.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, felurian said:

Matthew 5:28: 
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart

Now I’m sure we can all agree, if my partner were to ever visit a prostitute and lay with her, he’d be committing adultery.

now how about he purchases a prostitute but watches her touch herself while he touches himself?

Okay maybe he doesn’t purchase a prostitute, but seeks a live sex worker online? One he can interact with, but still isn’t touching? 
 

Finally, now he is seeking a paid sex worker (although not paid by him and in all honesty has most likely been human trafficked and coerced into the position she is in) to masturbate to, to imagine laying with. How is this not a complete betrayal of the promise to love, cherish, respect, and honor only me, within our covenant marriage? How is seeking a sex worker online any different than purchasing a prostitute? The veil of pixels hides the intention of the act which is to fantasize and release to the thought of other women. And to reiterate, we discussed porn before getting married. I never made an ultimatum but I explained exactly why it was something I personally could not tolerate in a relationship. Instead of respecting MY boundary, he lied to me. He was the one that promised to stop looking at porn. He betrayed me and demonstrated a lack of respect of my wishes. 
 

Again, the first time I found his porn, it was a folder on his computer devoted to his MULTIPLE Asian ex girlfriends. I am African American. I look nothing like the women of his past. One of the folders was even titled, “best girlfriend”. When I caught him looking at porn after lying to me (discovery day 2) his exact search was, “Asian girl cream pi3” I had to reconcile that instead of laying with me, his own wife, my husband sought  out a random women who doesn’t even know he exists, but looks like the women he has dated in his past, so he could fantasize about filling her up with his load instead of sleeping with me. 
 

Coupled with the lying, how am I not supposed to feel insecure? How can I rest assuredly that I’m my husbands first choice in partner. The porn he seeks doesn’t even look like me. He’d rather pretend to be laying with the women he prefers than to touch me?

 

Not to sound conceited, but I know I am attractive. I’m petite, hourglass figure, and toned. I’m extremely girly, take care of my eyebrows, nails, hair is natural and full. I’m 28 and am routinely mistaken for 18-20. I enjoy sex and when emotionally fulfilled, desire to be with husband at least 2-3x per week. Im not insecure in my looks, but in that my husband settled for me. That if an Asian women he fancies were to give him a genuine chance, he’d bolt because that’s his true preference. These feelings never arose to this degree until I caught him the second time looking specifically for Asian porn. 

OK I understand we have a different opinion on this and I'm not religious at all. Also I watch porn so I get that I'm biased lol

"But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

- I don't actually agree with this sorry. I think that as human beings we do actually get attracted to people other than our partner because we're just human. We could get attracted to anyone anytime involuntarily. For example a waiter serving us in a restaurant. That's why most animals are not monogamous, they just follow their biological sex drive. As humans though we don't just blindly follow our sex drive all the time. So just because you looked at someone and you were attracted to them doesn't always mean you'll actually hook up with them if you're in a relationship.

I also think you made a bit of a big jump from simply watching some strangers in porn to actually having physical sex with a prostitute or to sex trafficking. My impression that most people who work in the sex or porn industry are actually there by choice and not sex trafficked. I know some are and I'm not arguing about that at all, but most actually choose to be there.

In terms of your boyfriend having those folders with naked photos of his ex's, yeah that's quite tactless. I do actually see why you're hurt by that. 

I think honestly overall it really doesn't sound like you and your husband are compatible. It's most likely not because you're African American but it's because your values are very different. He also doesn't actually respect what you want  - e.g. that he not watch porn, do chores, etc. He just doesn't do anything you asked him to and only gets angry that you're "nagging" him. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

"But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

- I don't actually agree with this sorry. I think that as human beings we do actually get attracted to people other than our partner because we're just human. We could get attracted to anyone anytime involuntarily. For example a waiter serving us in a restaurant. That's why most animals are not monogamous, they just follow their biological sex drive. As humans though we don't just blindly follow our sex drive all the time. So just because you looked at someone and you were attracted to them doesn't always mean you'll actually hook up with them if you're in a relationship.

Yes but it's irrelevant because she can find someone who feels exactly the same and hopefully because they have aligned religious beliefs.  My wedding vows did not include a promise never to notice an attractive man or never to watch R rated movies and fantasize lol.  And I respect if hers did/or she would require such vows.  If it means she doesn't meet her right person that's ok too -no one is entitled to find the right person to marry.  I sure wasn't.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/26/2023 at 12:48 PM, felurian said:

 I grew closer in my relationship to God. He is not Christian so this walk was on my own. 

Unfortunately this is another major area of incompatibility. You want him to embrace your faith. But as you mentioned, you walk this path alone. While couples therapy may help, it's good to work on yourself and your personal goals and needs.

At some point you may have to find a man who:

Is Christian

Doesn't use pornography

It neat clean and organized

Doesn't drink

Doesn't gamble

Doesn't play video games.

Wants traditional roles of being handy and managing finances.

Wants to buy a house and start a family on your timeline.

So far your husband is none of those things

[felurian]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is another major area of incompatibility. You want him to embrace your faith. But as you mentioned, you walk this path alone. While couples therapy may help, it's good to work on yourself and your personal goals and needs.

At some point you may have to find a man who:

Is Christian

Don't use pornography

It neat clean and organized

Doesn't drink

Doesn't gamble

Doesn't play video games

So far your husband is none of those things

Maybe I’m asking for too much. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, felurian said:

Maybe I’m asking for too much. 

What you're asking for is fine. He's just not any of those things.

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, felurian said:

Maybe I’m asking for too much. 

You're asking someone who is the complete opposite of what you want to completely change who he is for you. And he's asking the same from you.

Do you know why the year apart was your best? Because you two don't belong together. 

Try the counseling, but realize BOTH of you would have to be willing to make compromises. 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, felurian said:

Maybe I’m asking for too much. 

What you're doing is taking a man who is none of these things and trying with all your might to mold him into this description.   You've described him as a veritable ogre, but honestly I feel for him.  He is who he is, but you have never accepted him - I don't think I found a single good thing you had to say about him besides how he behaved lovingly towards you once in a while.  That's not about HIM and who he is.

He was a slob who watched porn and did not really believe in marriage in 2019.  

Here is a fact you need to be aware of:

You often mention your "boundary" (applied to him) about porn.  Guess what.  We don't get to make boundaries on other people's behavior.  If YOU have a boundary, it looks like this:  "I don't have relationships with men who look at porn."  This means that you need to leave or else accept his porn use.

You've truly been nagging him about this for over 5 years and here you are focussing on it again.

You can't and will not have a good marriage with this person, marriage counseling or no.

Your "good marriage" will be completely dependent on changing this man into someone he is not and will never be.   Even if he completely succumbs to your wishes, he will be filled with resentment and probably truly not like you at all or care how you feel.  Because - YOU DO NOT LIKE HIM.  

He might be an ogre, but you knew all of his faults and still went to great lengths to get him married up with you.  So I'm putting this on you.

Please move on, go to church, only use fundamentalist Christian dating sites or matchmakers and get someone indoctrinated exactly the same way you are.  Be prepared that many such people still secretly watch porn - probably the most hypocritical people I've known in my life self - identify as "Christians" - but at least you'll be at the same starting point as them.

[felurian]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

What you're doing is taking a man who is none of these things and trying with all your might to mold him into this description.   You've described him as a veritable ogre, but honestly I feel for him.  He is who he is, but you have never accepted him - I don't think I found a single good thing you had to say about him besides how he behaved lovingly towards you once in a while.  That's not about HIM and who he is.

He was a slob who watched porn and did not really believe in marriage in 2019.  

Here is a fact you need to be aware of:

You often mention your "boundary" (applied to him) about porn.  Guess what.  We don't get to make boundaries on other people's behavior.  If YOU have a boundary, it looks like this:  "I don't have relationships with men who look at porn."  This means that you need to leave or else accept his porn use.

You've truly been nagging him about this for over 5 years and here you are focussing on it again.

You can't and will not have a good marriage with this person, marriage counseling or no.

Your "good marriage" will be completely dependent on changing this man into someone he is not and will never be.   Even if he completely succumbs to your wishes, he will be filled with resentment and probably truly not like you at all or care how you feel.  Because - YOU DO NOT LIKE HIM.  

He might be an ogre, but you knew all of his faults and still went to great lengths to get him married up with you.  So I'm putting this on you.

Please move on, go to church, only use fundamentalist Christian dating sites or matchmakers and get someone indoctrinated exactly the same way you are.  Be prepared that many such people still secretly watch porn - probably the most hypocritical people I've known in my life self - identify as "Christians" - but at least you'll be at the same starting point as them.

I’m not sure where the vitriol/sarcasm is coming from... I would appreciate if you didn’t assume those horrible things regarding my character. I’m not a hypocrite and I’ve relayed in other post, while I’m Christian I don’t sit on a high horse acting like I’m without sin. I promise I come here in good faith, a young women who really wants her marriage to work, and is very open to accepting the wrongs I’ve done to add to our dysfunction. I’m already down, I ask kindly for some gentleness.

Again, I’m not on a high horse about porn. It’s simply my boundary. A boundary he was aware of and accepted. I feel I’m allowed some grace as he was the one who promised to stop. Had he told me after discovery day 1, “no felurian, I want to continue using porn and I don’t see a moral reason to stop” then that would have ended our relationship. But instead he told me that he agreed that using porn was not in line with the person he wants to be. Not from a moralistic standpoint, but from a fear that it would impact his performance and lead to an ED/addiction. He held me the night I found out and promised that he would stopped.  
 

I take accountability for my nagging and attempt to change him, full stop. But I don’t agree that he didn’t have an opportunity to tap out when I laid my boundary. It’s not okay to lie to your partner. 
 

I agree that I contributed to a mother-son dynamic as it relates to chores, finances, tidiness, etc. I accept that instead of loving him and accepting him for who He is, that I attempted to change him into who I wanted him to be. For what it’s worth, I love my husband. There are great aspects of his character. 
 

He is extremely smart, diligent, values family, and when he isn’t defensive/stonewalling, does try to meet me halfway. Our issues are a result of poor communication on both our parts. One poster was right on the mark, we both fight dirty due to our hurt. That patterns been apparent since the beginning of our relationship and clearly is exacerbated when we live together.
 

All I can do is hope and pray that with counseling I can better hear him and understand him and he do the same for me. That we can find some common ground and learn to manage disagreements without blowing up. Without throwing daggers and shielding our hearts. He is free at any point during this process to decide that the fight for our marriage is not worth it. I would never hold him against his will if he decided to throw in the towel. Again I accept that I have contributed to our discord and am readying myself to lay in the bed I made. 
 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, felurian said:

I’m not sure where the vitriol/sarcasm is coming from...

I wasn't sarcastic.  Your  post quoting the bible verse to support your opinion of porn - while actively choosing a man who likes and uses porn and who also is not "Christian" - gets under my skin. 

I've reacted the same way here when men have posted to gripe about their fat wife, who was already fat when they got together but she "promised" she would lose weight. But now she's even fatter.   Same story, sans The Lord.

5 hours ago, felurian said:

I would appreciate if you didn’t assume those horrible things regarding my character.

Not assuming anything about your character, I am critical of your ACTIONS: Choosing a man with all these characteristics / flaws / evil sins and then spending several years grinding him down about them.   Unsuccessfully.  

5 hours ago, felurian said:

I’m not a hypocrite and I’ve relayed in other post, while I’m Christian I don’t sit on a high horse acting like I’m without sin.

There appears to be some type of implied superiority when you use a bible verse to support your position ... with a man you freely chose, who does not believe that stuff. That's disrespectful.  Your special book is fine for you to use for comfort or whatever, but it has no place in trying to convince him or other people of how you're "right" in your marriage conflicts.

5 hours ago, felurian said:

It’s simply my boundary. A boundary he was aware of and accepted.

5 hours ago, felurian said:

I feel I’m allowed some grace as he was the one who promised to stop.

Your  relationship is structured around all the things he's supposed to change or stop.   This doesn't entitle you to grace. 

Seriously, I don't think you understand boundaries.  You are the one who is not respecting YOUR OWN boundary. You told him if he used porn you would not be with him.  That was the consequence.  He uses it (and lies - for years).  Do you stand by your boundary?  No.  You just come at him with more guns blazing.

This  dynamic is textbook "codependency."   If someone is married to an addict (not saying your H is necessarily addicted to porn, alcohol, gambling, being a slob, etc, who knows?) and they spend their  life and energy trying to control and change the person, they themselves become very sick and also actually HINDER the afflicted person's ability to make a decision, and take the steps necessary to change.   

The addict promises to stop, they fail, use, cheat, lie.  The aggrieved spouse takes on a parental role.  Parent gains more "superiority" as the addict gets to be more "bad."  The relationship becomes a toxic dance.  

You have this dynamic.  

LEAVE.  The only other choice is ACCEPTANCE.  Accepting who he his and choosing freely to being married to this man and all of his flaws.  And being your best self (even a nice submissive wife like it says in your book: Ephesians 5:22-23 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. )

Either of those choices is where  "grace" would come in.

Edited to add:

For the record, I empathize with your feelings in this marriage and understand how his porn use hurts you; also that all the rest of his shortcomings or downright nastiness are unacceptable.  

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

The porn situation is actually a very typical one that many women post about here, on Reddit, everywhere basically. It always goes the same: "I met a man and he watched porn. So I said to him many times I don't want him to watch it. And he was like: "OK, OK I'll stop. But he still keeps watching it!" The reason for this is that simply this man DOES NOT actually want to stop watching porn. He only says he'll stop because he's being nagged/told to do so. And deep down he probably doesn't even think that watching porn is a big deal. So he just thinks: "Oh, it's OK, I'll tell my girlfriend I'll stop watching it but in secret I'll still watch it coz it's nothing major." And this problem just goes on and on. 

I agree that when you say you have boundaries, those boundaries are actually more about you and what you do. For example: "I won't date a smoker". That means you just don't date a smoker. You don't start dating a smoker with the hopes he'll quit smoking, because maybe he never will. You just date people who are not smokers. It's the same thing with dating men who watch porn. Though to be honest I don't think there are that many men who don't watch porn. 

Unless they are actually religious so that's why I also think it's important for you OP to maybe meet men through church or on Christian dating websites. I don't think many non religious Western men will have the belief: "Porn is bad and I shouldn't watch it". I think finding someone like that is pretty rare.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

It's the same thing with dating men who watch porn

Especially when said man had continued to watch porn for YEARS, had been "caught" multiple times and told to stop, he continued, yet the choice was made to marry him anyway. That just doesn't make sense to me.

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Especially when said man had continued to watch porn for YEARS, had been "caught" multiple times and told to stop, he continued, yet the choice was made to marry him anyway. That just doesn't make sense to me.

Yes exactly