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Husband [32] accuses me [28] of nagging him; now wants to be left alone


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Hi all. I have posted here in the past. I ended up marrying the man who I made my first post about. I'd say the best year of our relationship was the year he proposed which we were long-distance. We closed the distance, eloped, and moved in with one another this past August.

Since then, our relationship has been on a steady decline. I am about to write a whirlwind of a post, so I apologize for sharing so much. I will attempt to summarize at the end for everyone's convenience.

As I said, once we started living with each other again, our relationship has gotten worse by the month. It started when I moved back in and realized how messy he is. I don't mean leaving a sock or shoe out of place, but more like, leaving dishes scattered across the counter/in the sink, NEVER cleaning a bathtub or toilet bowl, leaving coffee/watermarks/grease stains on countertops after cooking, opening amazon packages and not putting bought items away or throwing away boxes, completing laundry but then leaving the piles to sit in our room instead of putting it away,  etc. After living alone for a year, I established a routine of tidying up/deep cleaning on the weekends. I suggested we divide and conquer chores to ease the workload and work on using our weekends wisely to manage the home.

Unfortunately, this compromise did not work because while I upheld my side of the chores, his would go days/weeks without being done. During this time, my "nagging" appeared. We argued about chores until October when one night he called me a "***" and said if I didn't work on my nagging/controlling behavior with a counselor, he would end our marriage.

Fast forward to November, I'm working with a counselor. He is helping me realize I do have controlling/anxiety-prone tendencies. We work on strategies to communicate my desires with my husband in a healthier way. However, no matter how I broach sensitive topics, my husband is insistent that I am just nagging him and am being disrespectful. 

Fast forward to February, by this point, in an attempt to no longer nag my husband. I take over the chores. The house is finally consistently clean. Life is good. Or so I thought. Around mid-Feb however, I discover that my husband is consuming porn.

This is a big deal because during our time dating, I was very adamant that I do not want porn in our relationship (the topic was originally discussed when I found his porn files of different exes on his laptop). We could agree to disagree on the morality of porn, but I did not feel comfortable with its use while in a monogamous relationship. I even expressed that if that was something he wanted to be able to do in a relationship, that was his choice and he was free to do so, just not with me. He told me before our year of long distance that he was working hard to stop using porn and had respected my boundary for the entire time.

So when I found the porn on his computer last month, I lost it. Long story short, this is when he finally came to accept that he himself has some maladaptive coping mechanisms that he falls into to avoid stressful situations/tasks. In addition to gambling, excessive drinking, and video games, he uses porn to escape. 

Since finding out about the porn, he has been working hard to be transparent with me about using it or having the urge to use it. He has also committed to limiting other distractions so we can make headway on our goals/responsibilities. 

This leads us to the present day where last night, my husband yet again called me a disrespectful nag because I brought up the fact that we need to send our realtor/agent documentation to begin the home buying process and complete our taxes (I've always completed my taxes on time, while he tends to file following an extension). Mind you, we had promised to send this information over in January. I told my husband yesterday, that if I had access to all the documents we need to send, I would have gladly done it myself. But our agent needs information regarding our 401K, which only he has access to. So naturally, I need him to either give me access or compile what he does have and send it to our agent. I mentioned this last night (in part due to my anxiety as he wants to have a home purchased and moved in to by August this year) and his response was that I was nagging him and being disrepectful.

I blew up, because I feel yet again, I am not allowed to ask my husband to be reliable or dependenable. I cant trust him to clean after himself, I can't trust him to respect my boundary with porn, and now I can dependent on him to complete just STEP ONE of the homebuying/joint taxes process. But if I dare mention anything, I'm a nag.

This morning I woke up, and against my judgment, apologized for nagging. He stopped me dead in my tracks and said, "I do not want to talk to you, leave me alone." I started to cry and plead. I just want to find compromise and work together. I don't want to be dismissed or dismissing. I take accountability for my anger and nagging the previous night (in the heat of our argument, when he became cold towards me, I called him mean and evil. Which are not nice things to say so I apologized). But he doesn't want to hear it. He repeatedly has told me to leave him alone. He is drafting an email regarding our next steps and he will be leaving the house later today to visit his parents.

I respect his decision to disengage. I understand his hurt and pain. I am just frustrated because I feel as if I bring up anything regarding his negligent behavior, I am always made to be the bad guy. I am painted to be nagging, a gaslighter (his new favorite word to use towards me now), and disrespectful. I become confused because I am simply asking my husband to be trustworthy and reliable. And I try to sugar coat my words, to not be accusatory, to be be gentle. I walk on eggshells or avoid this conversation all together for fear of what is happening now. I didn't bring up anything related to our taxes/home buying from January to now, in an attempt to keep the peace. I shouldn't have said anything. I regret that action so deeply now.

I think back now to the time I posted about our relationship so long ago. And the advice I received then was sound, even though I wasn't ready to receive it at the time. Now I am asking for clarity again. My friend circle is small and I try to keep all of these disagreements away from them as I don't want to always be speaking ill of my husband to others.

TLDR: My husband has a habit of procrastinating and avoidant behavior. This has become apparent since marrying/moving in with him this past year. Whenever I try to gently remind him of tasks that need to be completed, he says I am nagging him and am being disrespectful. Today, he told me to leave him alone and that he will be leaving the home later today to visit his parents (which we had planned to do together). I don't know how else to broach these difficult topics. He says he wants the male fantasy, of me asking him what I could do instead of nagging him to complete what he needs to do. But I can't help but feel like he is blaming me for his lack of action/accountability. However I love him, and if I am being a nag, I want to work on myself so as to not lose the relationship. Any advice for this long post would be appreciated. Thank you.

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46 minutes ago, felurian said:

In addition to gambling, excessive drinking, and video games, he uses porn to escape. 

What the heck? OP, this guy is a poor choice of life partner for many reasons. Why have you stayed? 

Look, the problem isn't your nagging. It's that you two are completely incompatible and should not be married to begin with. It's a bad match all around and he will drag you down. 

50 minutes ago, felurian said:

Now I am asking for clarity again

Speak to an attorney about dissolving your marriage. Don't be so desperate for a relationship that you hang on to any old guy. This one is so below my standards that I wouldn't even let him take me to Ikea for a 50-cent ice cream. Drinking, gambling, excessive gaming? He goes in the Reject Pile. Raise the bar for yourself and free yourself of this. One day you will find a man who is worth it. This one is so not. 

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1 hour ago, felurian said:

 to avoid stressful situations/tasks. In addition to gambling, excessive drinking, and video games, he uses porn to escape. 

Sadly it seems like you married the wrong man. Do not buy a house together. Instead, consult an attorney about your options in the event of divorce. 

You're married to someone you need to completely overhaul in order to make this compatible. He is also a huge liability. 

You're trying to be the task master and go forward but he's already checked out and calling you names.

Sadly this has devolved into a parent-child relationship. Save yourself for years of bitterness, headaches and heartaches and divorce/ get the marriage annulled.

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2 hours ago, felurian said:

He says he wants the male fantasy, of me asking him what I could do instead of nagging him to complete what he needs to do.

What about the female fantasy of marrying an adult?

Sounds like you married a dud, thinking he would change. 

And what's up with the whole leave him alone"??? You're married.  Shutting you down like that is wrong and immature.  Who does this guy think he is?  

Do you own or rent your place?  I wouldn't be there when he got back.  He needs to grow up.  And you begging and crying is only empowering him to continue to bully you and say mean things.  

I am sorry.  It does suck.  But this marriage was probably a mistake and the sooner you get out, the sooner you can move on and ultimately find a strong & healthy relationship.  

 

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Thanks for the replies so far.

 

he emailed me this: 

 

LI'm not taking the time to write this to win an argument, or make you feel bad, or end the marriage. I need you to read these words and really understand them, because I feel like you don't hear me when we talk. I love you with all my heart, but I'm not happy. There are things we both need to be happy in a relationship, and the stuff below is me telling you politely but firmly what I need that I am currently not getting. I understand that there are things you need too, that it's not a one-way street, and I'm working on the things you've told me I need to improve, and if there are new things, or I'm not doing a good job, please continue to tell me. More than anything, I need us to be good partners to each other. I love you, and I want this marriage to last, but that means I'm going to be a lot more clear about my non-negotiable boundaries and when you cross them.

 

Anyways, yesterday should have been a good day. A great day, even. But it sucked.

 

Throughout the day I endured some genuinely hurtful comments, like how we could never own a korean restaurant because of course I wouldn't be able to resist cheating on you and screwing the asian women that worked there, or how disappointed you were that the Google display seemed able to access internet, because of course I would be using it to look at porn now. I even swallowed my anger when you said Andre was cute and you wouldn't mind ***ing him, which of course was a "joke" and in no way hypocritical or disrespectful.

 

You treat me like I'm unloyal, undisciplined, and unworthy, and you do it so casually. You don't have a high opinion of me, fine, all I can do is work on improving it, but I need you to start putting in the bare minimum of respect for me, my time, and my feelings, because if you don't, this marriage is doomed.

 

I cancelled my hotel reservation for Saturday, and I won't be going with you to dinner. If you go alone, you will need to use your fun money. I need you to understand that you can't treat me like a terrible husband while continuing to expect the treatment of an excellent one.

 

On a separate but related note, I don't think I deserved the things you said last night, and worse, it's starting to feel... routine. Like a thunderstorm that just rolls in every so often and I just need to take shelter and hope for the best. I don't even get mad anymore, no point in getting mad at the weather, and that's probably a bad sign.

 

Please reply with written words. Lately it seems like fear and anger completely take over when you try to speak to me, and I really, really need us to understand each other better.”
 

 

now to address his points made.

1. I made the comment about him and Asian women because his porn stash is devoted to his Asian ex girlfriends and different Asian/he tai porn he’s accumulated. When I caught him looking up porn, it was specifically for Asian girl creampi*. So yes my comment wasn’t the nicest or respectful, but it comes from a genuine fear and anxiety that Asian women are his TRUE preference.

 

2. since finding porn, I’ve requested he put blocks/accountability apps on him phone. He hasn’t done so. So when I saw google home could also access internet I made a comment along the lines of “wow, so you can watch porn here too?” Again, not my shiniest moment but it’s coming from my anxiety/fear

 

3. He completely twisted what I said in regards to sleeping with “Andre” preface, Andre is my best friends BOYFRIEND. She and him are coming to visit me next weekend. My husband offered to take us out to dinner and get us a hotel in the city so we could have fun. I made a joke that was specifically, “oh when they stop by our room to change we can swing, Sarah (my friend) says Andre is cute (I’ve never met him). IMMEDIATELY, I could tell he was upset with that comment and I apologized right then and there. For him to bring this up however enrages me, 1. Because he twisted my words, and 2. He’s the one who says if we ever have extra marital relations it can only be with another female. 
 

So here I am, thinking I am being punished for nagging him last night when really his main concern is harping on those comments. I apologized for being disrespectful, but why does all of this hell fire need to be rained upon me, for the simple fact that last night I brought up that he needed to pull his weight in the home buying process. The thunderstorm he is referring to is when I finally lose my *** and try to hold him accountable. He procrastinated and uses escapism to avoid accountability. Why when I bring this fact up, all of my misdeeds are brought to the surface. Why am I always to blame? 

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Both of you have work to do.  

So yes my comment wasn’t the nicest or respectful, but it comes from a genuine fear and anxiety that Asian women are his TRUE preference.

Fear and anxious feelings don't excuse how you spoke to him.  You have alternatives.  Feel the feelings and:  walk away, write an email and read it to him later when you're calmer, scrub a floor and get your negative energy out on the floor.  Say directly "I feel scared that you actually want to be with an Asian woman."

How often does he immediately apologize and you do not accept it?

You say you are "always to blame" -do you find you exaggerate when you are arguing /discussing with him -it's almost never "always" and once you dramatize it the discussion often takes a wrong turn because the person hearing "always" feels unfairly judged. 

The thunderstorm he is referring to is when I finally lose my *** and try to hold him accountable. He procrastinated and uses escapism to avoid accountability. 

How often do you lose your ____ and what does that look like?  When I feel like that I have to -especially because it often involves my awesome son awesomely pushing my buttons! - do whatever it takes not to lose my ___.  I've gone to extremes including putting in headphones and listening to a podcast if I have to continue to be in the person's presence (like if I have to get my son to school despite being angry at his behavior).  I'd focus less on "holding him accountable" -is it better to be close or to be "right?"

Both of you need to work on communication IMO. I'm glad he also wrote that he loves you and wants to make this work.

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I think emailing might not be the best way to air grievances.  It's hard to get the tone.  I took his email as kind of condescending, but you know him.  I probably would not respond point by point.  Things will never get resolved that way because there's always another point.  

In your shoes, if you did things that were wrong, I would admit, apologize and commit to trying to improve.  Thank him for communicating how he feels.  Try to defuse the argue and bitterness.  See if you can get back to a kinder way of treating each other.  

As for your own feelings, maybe commiserate with him-- that you, too feel like you are always to blame and ask how you can work together to resolve these things.  maybe you should seek counseling.

However... with all that said and my understanding that you are married and you do want to work it out. 

I stand by my original advice-- leave him.  You guys may never find common ground.  Because you both want to be right and the victim.  You're not working together, you're not committed to each other.  Your making each other jump through hoops and chase.  He should not be emailing you negotiations from his parents.  You should be sitting together facing issues and compromising.  

The level of distain but then dangling potential happiness like a carrot is very sad and controlling.  It's designed to manipulate you and keep you trying, while the target keeps moving.  

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You are definitely not wrong. In my apology letter I owned up that despite my anxiety, I should not have made the comments I did.

 

I do struggle with black and white thinking. I feel as if I’m always to blame in our relationship because very rarely do I get an apology for his behavior. Even in this email: there is rarely accountability for what he has done. That has eroded my ability to trust and rely on him. And that disdain comes out as a form of resentment in the comments I make. It’s not fair to him for sure. I just don’t know how else to share what I need from him, without him twisting my words and putting the sole blame on myself.

 

for what it’s worth, I know he loves and cares about me. I just question his ability to be accountable for when it counts. Unfortunately, he is not amenable to couples counseling 

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6 minutes ago, felurian said:

You are definitely not wrong. In my apology letter I owned up that despite my anxiety, I should not have made the comments I did.

 

I do struggle with black and white thinking. I feel as if I’m always to blame in our relationship because very rarely do I get an apology for his behavior. Even in this email: there is rarely accountability for what he has done. That has eroded my ability to trust and rely on him. And that disdain comes out as a form of resentment in the comments I make. It’s not fair to him for sure. I just don’t know how else to share what I need from him, without him twisting my words and putting the sole blame on myself.

 

for what it’s worth, I know he loves and cares about me. I just question his ability to be accountable for when it counts. Unfortunately, he is not amenable to couples counseling 

If he is not amenable to couples counseling or some sort of similar arrangement -like meeting with a trusted religious advisor or a group counseling situation -I too would strongly consider ending it. Before you buy property.

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At first blush, I had a very negative reaction to this surface information on the guy. Now with the email, I have to wonder if there is a way forward with the marriage. I am not going to jump right to the "Divorce Camp," as it seems there is a lot more going on than this short snippet will allow.

I really focused on the "It's like the weather" comment he made about the arguments. Without knowing more, I wonder if he is feeling under attack therefore he wants to dig in his heels and continue this bad behavior. This is specifically about the tidiness side of things.

The porn side of this is definitely causing friction; in two ways if violates your boundaries and more importantly it makes you insecure about his interest in Asian women. Him watching porn is one thing to address, but if he thinks you are on "attack" over this he will also get very defensive. He's married to you not some K-pop wanna be.

On the Andre thing, I honestly can't blmae the guy for being very put off about it. But I think him bringing it up was a dig back over the porn issue. Most men aren't comfortable when their wives bring up having sex with another specific man, kind of like how you don't like him watching Asian porn.

I think there are ways of moving forward, but it will require both of you going to marriage counseling or an impartial 3rd party who will call you both out; and both listening rather than getting defensive. Which I think is the core cause, unless it's in an email, you two don't know how to listen to each other. You both want your cake and eat it too.

 

 

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I really focused on the "It's like the weather" comment he made about the arguments. Without knowing more, I wonder if he is feeling under attack therefore he wants to dig in his heels and continue this bad behavior. This is specifically about the tidiness side of things.

You’re on the money with that. He has even told me as much. When I nag, it makes him not want to do the thing that much more. This is frustrating for me though, because ideally I don’t even want to remind him to work our to do list. But we’re a team now and our actions/inactions effect one other. I don’t want to file our taxes late. I don’t want an unresolved $500 bill on my credit card because he forgot to follow up with insurance, I don’t want to wait until the last minute to buy a house, etc.
 

I agree with your assessment about the Andre thing as well. My gut is telling me that he is bringing it up as something to laud over me in retaliation. I hate to have that thought of him, but the fact that he is bringing it up after I broached the home buying discussion (that was me nagging) leads me to believe it’s more manipulation than anything. Regardless, this too I apologized for in my response letter. It wasn’t a comment I would have appreciated so I wholeheartedly taken responsibility. 

We both get defensive for sure. In therapy, my counselor suggested that I state my intentions before broaching difficult conversations. I have tried this technique but it still doesn’t help my husband feel less defensive. He isnt agreeable to couples therapy so I’m at a loss.

Im more than willing to fix my negative/bad behaviors that have contributed to our relationship decline(like I mentioned earlier, he told me therapy or we divorce and I found a therapist the next day). I just want the same in return. To his credit, he says he has been porn free for a month now and I’ll see him try to tidy up around the house without being asked. I know he is trying. I just wish I could broach difficult conversations/tackle his God honest procrastination habit without all hell breaking lose every time. I’m so emotionally drained. 

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I agree that you're actually incompatible. I'm sorry if I come across as rude but I'm actually getting tired of so many women writing on internet forums that they're not OK with their partner watching porn.

What I'm getting tired of is not that they're not OK with it. They are absolutely allowed not to be OK with it. What starts getting old is so many women begin dating a guy that they know watches porn. Which no offence is a lot of guys, and even women. They know the guy watches porn but yet they actually expect him to stop watching it for them. And basically ultimatum them: "Stop watching porn or else".

It's OK not to like porn but you need to remember that unless it's child porn, porn is legal and adults are allowed to watch it. It's not right or wrong to watch porn, it's just a personal preference. In and of itself it's not good or bad and people that watch porn are not bad. If you don't like it then don't be with someone, especially married to someone who watches porn. You made this choice yourself. 

Also you said you needed him to download some kind of porn blocking apps? He's not a child that you should be putting some kind of parental lock on. He's a grown man. 

He actually doesn't have to stop watching porn for you so if you don't like it you are welcome to end the relationship. 

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I dont disagree with you. He was the one however who said he didn’t want to look at porn anymore. He felt ashamed of his habit and wanted to stop. It impacted his performance and desire to be with me sexually. He admitted that he used it to numb feelings of depression and avoid responsibilities. As such, he promised to not look at it anymore. It was the lying and betrayal that hurt the most with porn (close second being that his porn of choice is of a race I look nothing like). He had every right to continue watching if he wanted to, that just wouldn’t be with me. You don’t have to agree, but it’s a boundary that others like me have, and we deserve to be with partners who respect that/feel the same way. He could have left, instead he proposed and lied to me about his continued use. That’s not fair to me. 
 

Also you said you needed him to download some kind of porn blocking apps? He's not a child that you should be putting some kind of parental lock on. He's a grown man.

I too don’t want to come across as rude, but there are such things as porn addictions and for some these blocks are needed. My husband declined to use a blocker and I didn’t fight him on it. Sure, I was upset but at the end of the day that’s his right. I can only trust him now that he is abstaining from using. 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly it seems like you married the wrong man. Do not buy a house together. Instead, consult an attorney about your options in the event of divorce. 

You're married to someone you need to completely overhaul in order to make this compatible. He is also a huge liability. 

You're trying to be the task master and go forward but he's already checked out and calling you names.

Sadly this has devolved into a parent-child relationship. Save yourself for years of bitterness, headaches and heartaches and divorce/ get the marriage annulled.

I agree with this. The thing is, nobody likes to be constantly nagged. Even if you think you're in the right to nag, at the end of the day it's just a very bad dynamic. Nobody likes to be told on a regular basis that they're always not good enough or doing something wrong. That's why it's important to choose a relationship where the person actually matches your expectations, values and beliefs. I don't think that your husband matches them. You keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

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1 minute ago, felurian said:

I dont disagree with you. He was the one however who said he didn’t want to look at porn anymore. He felt ashamed of his habit and wanted to stop. It impacted his performance and desire to be with me sexually. He admitted that he used it to numb feelings of depression and avoid responsibilities. As such, he promised to not look at it anymore. It was the lying and betrayal that hurt the most with porn (close second being that his porn of choice is of a race I look nothing like). He had every right to continue watching if he wanted to, that just wouldn’t be with me. You don’t have to agree, but it’s a boundary that others like me have, and we deserve to be with partners who respect that/feel the same way. He could have left, instead he proposed and lied to me about his continued use. That’s not fair to me. 
 

Also you said you needed him to download some kind of porn blocking apps? He's not a child that you should be putting some kind of parental lock on. He's a grown man.

I too don’t want to come across as rude, but there are such things as porn addictions and for some these blocks are needed. My husband declined to use a blocker and I didn’t fight him on it. Sure, I was upset but at the end of the day that’s his right. I can only trust him now that he is abstaining from using. 

Yes but at the end of the day it's actually him that needs to want to stop watching porn himself. And it doesn't actually sound like at the end of the day he actually wants to. I think this unfortunately ties into the nagging again because for him to match what you need in a partner, you need to police his porn use and install the blocking apps. If you don't police him then he's not the man you actually want. 

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15 minutes ago, felurian said:

Im more than willing to fix my negative/bad behaviors that have contributed to our relationship decline(like I mentioned earlier, he told me therapy or we divorce and I found a therapist the next day). I just want the same in return. To his credit, he says he has been porn free for a month now and I’ll see him try to tidy up around the house without being asked. I know he is trying. I just wish I could broach difficult conversations/tackle his God honest procrastination habit without all hell breaking lose every time. I’m so emotionally drained. 

It shouldn't have to be a fight every-time you want something done, and with him not being amenable to counseling, it doesn't look bright.

Have you and your therapist gone through an action plan of what you expect to improve in a rough time frame? I am thinking you need to set a mental deadline for this, and when you cross that be ready to end the marriage. I don't want to push you there, but until the damn breaks I don't know if there's a way to not resent each other over time.

Maybe you already do this, but do the two of you have a Chore list posted in you home? Something where you two can see it, rather than just remembering it all? May not help, but at least he would have a visual reminder.

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1 hour ago, felurian said:

So here I am, thinking I am being punished for nagging him last night when really his main concern is harping on those comments.

That is very interesting. You guys are talking past each other, not even arguing about the same thing. 

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It shouldn't have to be a fight every-time you want something done, and with him not being amenable to counseling, it doesn't look bright.

Have you and your therapist gone through an action plan of what you expect to improve in a rough time frame? I am thinking you need to set a mental deadline for this, and when you cross that be ready to end the marriage. I don't want to push you there, but until the damn breaks I don't know if there's a way to not resent each other over time.

Maybe you already do this, but do the two of you have a Chore list posted in you home? Something where you two can see it, rather than just remembering it all? May not help, but at least he would have a visual reminder.

 

We have a chalkboard that every month we update with our big ticket items. (I.e. taxes, send w2s to get house pre approval, email insurance for reimbursement etc.) it doesn’t work because if there is something on the list that involves him, it won’t be completed due to his procrastination.

back when we split chores, he used an app to remind him of what needed to be  completed. Again, didn’t work. He knows what needs to be done. There is no initiation though. 

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1 hour ago, felurian said:

, I wonder if he is feeling under attack therefore he wants to dig in his heels and continue this bad behavior. 

You're correct. This is absolutely what's happening because unfortunately you two are in a power struggle and parent-child dynamic.

You seem to want to fix and change him but don't know which red flag or bad habit to start with and focus on because there's so many. Basically you'll need to totally overhaul who he is.

Perhaps the issue was the distance and shock when you actually got to know the real him after marriage and living together.  How long did you date in person before moving in together?

It would be hard to miss problem drinking, slovenliness and many other complaints if you knew each other better. 

If you wish to stay together, continue with private therapy for support, pick your battles and only do your half of the household work.

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Have you considered that you are just incompatible. Procastrinating is postponing your obligations to last minute. Your husband is just lazy and just doesnt want to do any work around home. Its not your obligation to slave around home while he gambles, drinks and watches porn. He needs to pick up a slack and takes care of at least his part of obligations. Instead you just gave up on him and now you are doing his part also. 

That is why I am talking about incompatibility. Somebody else would at least pick up his part and wouldnt need you to "nag" him about not doing his part. But your husband is just lazy and wants to do other stuff while you act like his mommy. You shouldnt ever agree to such arrangement. As its detrimental to you. What does he contributes to joint household? Does he at least pays the bills? 

I think its good that you work on your controlling issues. But dont think you just giving up and letting him do what he wants, would save your marriage. As you can see lots of other problems occured. You dont condone his porn watching is another compatibility issue. You both are very "toxic" in your speech. You said you would have sex with some other man and how he cant own Asian restaurant because he would shag employees because "Asian fetish"? Really? And that al stems from you not respecting your husband. How can you? He doesnt do jack thing around home, and gambles and drinks your money away. Your marriage issues are far too big and you would both be better separate.

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1 hour ago, felurian said:

 

It shouldn't have to be a fight every-time you want something done, and with him not being amenable to counseling, it doesn't look bright.

Have you and your therapist gone through an action plan of what you expect to improve in a rough time frame? I am thinking you need to set a mental deadline for this, and when you cross that be ready to end the marriage. I don't want to push you there, but until the damn breaks I don't know if there's a way to not resent each other over time.

Maybe you already do this, but do the two of you have a Chore list posted in you home? Something where you two can see it, rather than just remembering it all? May not help, but at least he would have a visual reminder.

 

We have a chalkboard that every month we update with our big ticket items. (I.e. taxes, send w2s to get house pre approval, email insurance for reimbursement etc.) it doesn’t work because if there is something on the list that involves him, it won’t be completed due to his procrastination.

back when we split chores, he used an app to remind him of what needed to be  completed. Again, didn’t work. He knows what needs to be done. There is no initiation though. 

Who came up with these ideas on how to manage the household? is it mostly you/your list?

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10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who came up with these ideas on how to manage the household? is it mostly you/your list?

He actually came up with both ideas. On my own I managed without lists...

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36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're correct. This is absolutely what's happening because unfortunately you two are in a power struggle and parent-child dynamic.

You seem to want to fix and change him but don't know which red flag or bad habit to start with and focus on because there's so many. Basically you'll need to totally overhaul who he is.

Perhaps the issue was the distance and shock when you actually got to know the real him after marriage and living together.  How long did you date in person before moving in together?

It would be hard to miss problem drinking, slovenliness and many other complaints if you knew each other better. 

If you wish to stay together, continue with private therapy for support, pick your battles and only do your half of the household work.

We have been together for 6 going on 7 years. He met me at a time in my life where I was developing my sense of self/character. I used to drink a lot more than I do now. And I would accompany him to the casino and thought it was fun/harmless. Now I know it’s a place he retreats to when stressed. Luckily he uses his “fun money” and hasn’t hurt our savings. Its more a problem because it’s an extension of his avoidant behavior.
 

The cleanliness I knew about, and we argued about it when we lived with each other before our long distance year. I was just so overjoyed when he proposed during that long distance year, that I didn’t take the time I should have to readdress the tidiness. 

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