Husband [32] accuses me [28] of nagging him; now wants to be left alone

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, felurian said:

We have been together for 6 going on 7 years. He met me at a time in my life where I was developing my sense of self/character. I used to drink a lot more than I do now. And I would accompany him to the casino and thought it was fun/harmless. Now I know it’s a place he retreats to when stressed. Luckily he uses his “fun money” and hasn’t hurt our savings. Its more a problem because it’s an extension of his avoidant behavior.
 

The cleanliness I knew about, and we argued about it when we lived with each other before our long distance year. I was just so overjoyed when he proposed during that long distance year, that I didn’t take the time I should have to readdress the tidiness. 

This doesn't really sit right with me.  So - you excuse your past -what you see as less than desirable -behaviors with the sort of throwaway "was developing my sense of self/character" (what in the world does that really mean? was it some specific course you took/therapeutic course?). 

But yet you then apparently developed your sense of self and character (seems you think he did not) but then in that development you chose to coast on the wings of love rather than dealing with the reality of potential issues related to your different standards of cleanliness/division of labor.

So then your sense of self was allowed to be put aside so you could bask in the joy of a proposal? I'm just saying -seems maybe there's a bit - of you excusing your own choices/behaviors/brushing stuff aside but he doesn't deserve the same level of grace? Maybe it's true as he said in his email he feels you look down on him.  

[felurian]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This doesn't really sit right with me.  So - you excuse your past -what you see as less than desirable -behaviors with the sort of throwaway "was developing my sense of self/character" (what in the world does that really mean? was it some specific course you took/therapeutic course?). 

But yet you then apparently developed your sense of self and character (seems you think he did not) but then in that development you chose to coast on the wings of love rather than dealing with the reality of potential issues related to your different standards of cleanliness/division of labor.

So then your sense of self was allowed to be put aside so you could bask in the joy of a proposal? I'm just saying -seems maybe there's a bit - of you excusing your own choices/behaviors/brushing stuff aside but he doesn't deserve the same level of grace? Maybe it's true as he said in his email he feels you look down on him.  

By that I mean I grew closer in my relationship to God. He is not Christian so this walk was on my own. As such, I try not to drink as much anymore. (I’m not a perfect Christian btw, no one is. I struggle in many aspects, including some of the abhorrent/toxic comments I’ve made towards him - specifically the swinging comment. I have no desire to do as such, to be clear. I was just throwing a jab/joke due to my hurt over the porn- which I take full accountability for)

My intention isn’t to look down on him or judge him. He agrees his drinking has become excessive (a bottle of wine a night alone). However he is struggling to stop. I know my husband is struggling with the avoidant behaviors so my intention is to never look down on him. I actually feel as if I’ve given a lot of grace. (I took over chores, I didn’t bother him about home buying until yesterday even though we had promised to get it done In Janauary, etc) But as some posters have alluded too, I’m trying to overhaul too many aspects of his personality. It makes sense why he feels nagged to death. And it’s not fair to him who expects to just be loved for who he is 
 

Ultimately, I’m just as responsible in the dysfunction as him. Maybe even more so because I blindly believed that love was enough. But the glaring incompatibilities can’t be changed with just love, no matter how much I wish they could be. 
 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry.  Yes, you are nagging, and that's not good.  Obviously it's not the key to getting him to participate in household tasks (it's not your fault he is crappy at this)  and it's pushing him further into his avoidant behavior.

That said, though, your nagging is not the root of your problems.  You are basically incompatible and I'm not sure that your mutual will to have a healthy marriage is strong enough to get through all of your challenges.

Honestly I think that the ONLY hope is marriage counseling and if he won't do it, you will not be able to make the necessary changes.  You need a third party; you're in a power struggle so there is a dynamic in place of WINNER and LOSER that you and he will not be able to resolve between just the two of you.

There are so many areas of discord:  gambling, drinking, slovenliness, nagging, "fighting dirty," porn, your insecurity, procrastination; the list probably goes on.  And top it all off with you being a "Christian" (quotes because that can mean a huge range of things) and him not.  

Where is any common ground where you can start to build in the same direction?  Perhaps a therapist could help you find one.  Maybe not, but I think it's your only chance.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, felurian said:

By that I mean I grew closer in my relationship to God. He is not Christian so this walk was on my own. As such, I try not to drink as much anymore. (I’m not a perfect Christian btw, no one is. I struggle in many aspects, including some of the abhorrent/toxic comments I’ve made towards him - specifically the swinging comment. I have no desire to do as such, to be clear. I was just throwing a jab/joke due to my hurt over the porn- which I take full accountability for)

My intention isn’t to look down on him or judge him. He agrees his drinking has become excessive (a bottle of wine a night alone). However he is struggling to stop. I know my husband is struggling with the avoidant behaviors so my intention is to never look down on him. I actually feel as if I’ve given a lot of grace. (I took over chores, I didn’t bother him about home buying until yesterday even though we had promised to get it done In Janauary, etc) But as some posters have alluded too, I’m trying to overhaul too many aspects of his personality. It makes sense why he feels nagged to death. And it’s not fair to him who expects to just be loved for who he is 
 

Ultimately, I’m just as responsible in the dysfunction as him. Maybe even more so because I blindly believed that love was enough. But the glaring incompatibilities can’t be changed with just love, no matter how much I wish they could be. 
 

Has he been professionally diagnosed with a disorder that involves avoidant behavior or is that just your label because he avoids doing what you've asked him to do? I understand you specifically became more religious.  

He sounds like he is likely an alcoholic.  That to me would be much more concerning.  I'm sorry.

[Tinydance]

Well the thing is, he was probably always like this. But you either didn't notice it as much because you didn't live together, or you were different yourself so you didn't mind. For example, now you say his gambling and drinking really bothers you. But back then you actually went with him to the casino yourself because you drank alcohol back then. I'm not saying you encouraged him to gamble but you acted like you were fine with it. The fact that you went with him actually probably seemed like you even enjoyed it yourself. 

I agree with you that gambling isn't good and drinking a bottle of wine a night isn't good because that seems like addiction. But your partner probably always did these things and was like this with chores, and watched porn. It seems like it's you who has changed because you became religious. So now you don't like gambling, drinking and porn. But he didn't become religious so he's still just the same person doing what he always did.

It's like if two people were in a relationship and went to a steakhouse. Then one decided to become a vegan so now they're nagging their partner about eating meat and expect they'll also become a vegan. It's actually the vegan partner who has changed and the other partner doesn't have to change. So your husband doesn't have to become religious or stop watching porn just by default. You're allowed to pursue new beliefs but that doesn't mean he has to.

In terms of the nagging and doing things like writing chore lists, using reminder apps, porn blocking apps, etc. This kind of policing may work with children. When the parent writes chore lists for the child or uses a parental pin on Netflix or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an adult. So it just sounds controlling when you're doing all these things. With adults they're a grown person so you can't just keep instructing them what to do constantly. They should be doing everything on their own.

While for example a parent might be doing some of these tactics because they're raising their child, you're not your husband's parent. He's a fully grown adult and he's developed like this and this is who he is. He just isn't going to change. So there probably isn't much you can do except get another husband.

 

[Batya33]

I like this take by Tinydance.  I knew of a couple where they agreed only to have one child. She was adamant about that. They had one child.  Then he changed his mind and wanted another one.  They got divorced and he remarried and has a child with the new wife.  She remarried a man who had no children and is happy to be a stepfather to her daughter.  I mean maybe it wasn't as cut and dried -maybe he thought she didn't mean it 100% etc.

To me it's not about living together before marriage but about having common values and goals and standards and most often the details -housekeeping, how the toilet paper roll is installed, food choices -can be worked out.  And it goes back to standards so if someone sees a certain type of housekeeping/neatness as my way or the highway that's pretty easy to discuss beforehand and for the person to see when she visits her SO's home.  But if someone does a complete 180 on something major that often requires counseling and in the case of real biggies like whether to have kids, new religious differences -that can be really tough.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, felurian said:

. He met me at a time in my life where I was developing my sense of self/character. I used to drink a lot more than I do now. And I would accompany him to the casino and thought it was fun/harmless. 

It seems like you met him during a difficult time in your life . You've turned your life and values around but he hasn't, so you're incompatible. You can't make him adopt your new found Christian values, so you may be increasing conflicted and stressed. 

[felurian]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Has he been professionally diagnosed with a disorder that involves avoidant behavior or is that just your label because he avoids doing what you've asked him to do? I understand you specifically became more religious.  

He sounds like he is likely an alcoholic.  That to me would be much more concerning.  I'm sorry.

He himself labels the behavior, avoidant. He’s even gone so far as to suggest that he has an executive function disorder.

 

thank you everyone for the responses. I agree in that I’ve changed a lot in the 7 years I’ve been with my husband. He met me at 21 and now I’m 28. He was with me during my undergrad/graduate degrees and residency year. I grew a lot within that time and have different values/believes than when we first met. 
I thought our love and relational compatibility (our friendship, banter, same media interests, love for travel, desire for a large family etc) would be enough to sustain us. I also hoped that I could positively help him with his struggles. Again, I understand I was foolish. And I have been nagging him to be someone that he probably will never be. I don’t want to be his mother and control him. I think what I should do moving moving forward is take a step back....

[Cherylyn]

Don't buy a house otherwise you will create an unnecessarily,  complicated dilemma. 

He gaslights YOU by calling you names which is gaslighting.   Some people in my life outside my immediate family,  have gaslit me all my life so it's all too familiar,  unfortunately. 

Never grovel.  I groveled and I'm not doing it anymore for the sake of appeasing. 

You married a porn addicted, galighting slob. 

You're better off dissolving and exiting this sham of a marriage.  Are you thinking divorce?  Or, how much are you wiling to tolerate?  The choice is yours. 

You can never change a man which was a terrible lesson learned courtesy of my mother. 

If you decide to choose a man in the future,  be super careful,  afford to be very picky and choosy.  Shop around. 

[felurian]

13 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're better off dissolving and exiting this sham of a marriage.  Are you thinking divorce?  Or, how much are you wiling to tolerate?  The choice is yours. 

I don’t want to divorce. But I don’t see an solution if he isn’t willing to at least try couples counseling with me. 
 

As an update, I’m staying with my sister now. He’s upset that I left the house and won’t be returning. I figured giving space would be better then me staying at home ruminating/crying over the situation. 

[Coily]

4 minutes ago, felurian said:

I don’t want to divorce. But I don’t see an solution if he isn’t willing to at least try couples counseling with me. 
 

As an update, I’m staying with my sister now. He’s upset that I left the house and won’t be returning. I figured giving space would be better then me staying at home ruminating/crying over the situation. 

Some space is good, and since you two started off as long distance this may help things in the communication department. Since the two of you are into the correspondence side of things, I would humbly suggest may write two letter to your husband. One as a letter telling him why you are frustrated, and the other as a love letter; these aren't for sending but for you to express your love and frustration.

Then put them away for a few days, after some time passes revisit the letters and reflect. Maybe combine the two at a later date. While i won't encourage divorce, I think you need to have a long impartial look at your relationship. he does too.

I wish the two of you the best in any path you take, just be willing to see flaws in both of you. And find loving ways to communicate with your husband, even if it's critical of him.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm actually on your side in terms that it's not OK that he's not doing any chores at all or following any responsibilities. For example filling out forms or whatever needs to be done. Do you both work? I guess if you had a more traditional relationship where your husband works and you're a housewife and do chores, then that might be a bit different. If you work too though then he needs to help you with chores 50/50. Or at least to some degree and not just leave it all to you. Usually people don't need to be nagged or have a chore list because they actually just take initiative to do the chores themselves. For example, after dinner the person might say: "OK I'll do the dishes now". Or they see the bin is full and take out the garbage. 

If you don't want to divorce and you want to try to improve things with your husband, you may need to take other approaches. For example, if he does actually have executive dysfunction, do you think it's part of any condition like ADHD or autism? Sometimes neurodivergent people can struggle with these types of things. You could suggest to your husband that he could get assessed and/or do some therapy. The problem I see here though is that he's angry and defensive towards you and he doesn't take anything on board. It's just that you can't actually make him do anything if he doesn't want to do it. To actually start improving he'd need to work on it first and it doesn't really sound like he wants to.

In terms of his drinking and gambling, how do you talk to him about it? You could try a more gentle approach where you could say: "Look I'm just worried about your drinking because it's a lot. I'm worried about your health, your performance at work if you're drunk/hungover." And about the gambling you could say: "I'm just concerned because I'm worried you'll lose too much money and I don't want that to happen." 

I'm not necessarily saying he'll be responsive but it's clear the nagging hasn't produced any results. So you might need to try something else.

[Jaunty]

I really hope that he will come around to agreeing to counseling with you.  Please just give both of you a cooling off period before trying to discuss this any more.  Since things appear so contentious between you,  the idea of MARRIAGE COUNSELING can easily become part of your power struggle dynamic - as it stands, he might feel like if he agrees to go, it will be another "you win, he loses" on the score card. 

That has to go away.

You might need to get to a place where you are truly ready to leave this marriage unless some new ways of functioning can be put into place.   

[LootieTootie]

If your husband doesn't think he needs help from a professional, then I think the ball is in your court if you want to stay with him. I personally don't think you should - his alcoholism and gaslighting you is not right and not loving. He's very self-centered.

You both fight way too much. Marriage can definitely be hard and it's even harder if you know there are some basic incompatibilities in the beginning but still... decide to roll with it. So yes, you got married way too young and probably at a vulnerable time in your life. I would maybe take this time to reassess my options in getting out of the marriage while you're still young!

[felurian]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm actually on your side in terms that it's not OK that he's not doing any chores at all or following any responsibilities. For example filling out forms or whatever needs to be done. Do you both work? I guess if you had a more traditional relationship where your husband works and you're a housewife and do chores, then that might be a bit different. If you work too though then he needs to help you with chores 50/50. Or at least to some degree and not just leave it all to you. Usually people don't need to be nagged or have a chore list because they actually just take initiative to do the chores themselves. For example, after dinner the person might say: "OK I'll do the dishes now". Or they see the bin is full and take out the garbage. 

If you don't want to divorce and you want to try to improve things with your husband, you may need to take other approaches. For example, if he does actually have executive dysfunction, do you think it's part of any condition like ADHD or autism? Sometimes neurodivergent people can struggle with these types of things. You could suggest to your husband that he could get assessed and/or do some therapy. The problem I see here though is that he's angry and defensive towards you and he doesn't take anything on board. It's just that you can't actually make him do anything if he doesn't want to do it. To actually start improving he'd need to work on it first and it doesn't really sound like he wants to.

In terms of his drinking and gambling, how do you talk to him about it? You could try a more gentle approach where you could say: "Look I'm just worried about your drinking because it's a lot. I'm worried about your health, your performance at work if you're drunk/hungover." And about the gambling you could say: "I'm just concerned because I'm worried you'll lose too much money and I don't want that to happen." 

I'm not necessarily saying he'll be responsive but it's clear the nagging hasn't produced any results. So you might need to try something else.

Yes I do work. But I do not make nearly as much as my husband. He supports me financially. 
 

he was prescribed medication for ADHD however never formally diagnosed. I’ve always suspected a degree of ADHD, but would love a second opinion from a professional. I’ve brought up how beneficial I have found therapy to be (even though it came as strong suggestion from him). But he doesn’t think a therapist would be able to tell him anything he doesn’t already know. 
 

I actually haven’t nagged specifically re: the drinking and gambling. I may suggest instead of drinking, he can finally get around to cleaning his office, or building his new bookshelf. Or instead  of playing poker for the day, he can tackle expense reports that he needs to complete for work (he’s told me that he procrastinates on these reports at work which has lead to some reprimanding). I try to be as positive about this as I can. But no matter how gentle I am, he just says I’m nagging him. 
 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think he really wants this marriage anymore anyway. 

He is mostly checked out. Yeah, he's stomping his feet now that you have decided to stay elsewhere for a bit, but I don't see a man who is committed to making it work or committed to you any longer.

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, felurian said:

I don’t want to divorce. But I don’t see an solution if he isn’t willing to at least try couples counseling with me. 
 

As an update, I’m staying with my sister now. He’s upset that I left the house and won’t be returning. I figured giving space would be better then me staying at home ruminating/crying over the situation. 

I hope both of you are willing to try couples counseling.  I hope there is change for the better. 

Space is good but it won't make the situation better. 

Since both of you can speak to each other in person,  I wouldn't write letters back 'n forth.  During dialogue,  if both of you don't interrupt each other,  both of you can express how each side feels as opposed to one way letters and going back 'n forth. 

You're not nagging.  You are letting him know that he needs to step up by doing his fair share so it's not nagging.  His labels for you is gaslighting. 

I wouldn't want to be married to a porn addicted, gaslighting slob.  His ingrained habits may very well be extremely difficult to change so hope for the best yet be prepared for the worst.  Remain realistic. 

If you don't want a divorce,  you'll have to accept him warts and all.  Either tolerate and grudgingly accept him and his ways or have the freedom not to be shackled in a miserable marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, felurian said:

. I may suggest instead of drinking, he can finally get around to cleaning his office, or building his new bookshelf. Or instead  of playing poker for the day, he can tackle expense reports that he needs to complete for work.

Unfortunately this is the same as nagging.  It's the way a mother would talk to a lazy teenager. Don't assign chores, he'll just balk and resist.

The semantics are not as important as the fact that you are pushing him to do this and that instead of indulging his bad habits. While that would be ideal, that's not the man you married.

Sadly you may get very burned out trying to mother and reraise him to make him the type of man you wish he were.

Step back. Only cook clean shop and do chores for yourself.  Separate your finances.  Let him figure out his mess and his office. 

 If he wants to wallow in alcohol and other vices don't keep enabling him. It's creating a power struggle  parenting and controlling him.

Discontinue telling him what to do and when to do it.  Unfortunately you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

The less invested you are in changing him, the sooner you can step back and reflect if your marriage is sustainable.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, felurian said:

I may suggest instead of drinking, he can finally get around to cleaning his office, or building his new bookshelf. Or instead  of playing poker for the day, he can tackle expense reports that he needs to complete for work (he’s told me that he procrastinates on these reports at work which has lead to some reprimanding). I try to be as positive about this as I can. But no matter how gentle I am, he just says I’m nagging him. 

That's what a nagging mother says to a son.  If you were a mom you could say "you're not allowed to go to John's for poker unless you do X first" but he's an adult.  You also are not his boss or therapist. It's not positive and can never be when you take on these roles.

  It's not perceived as "gentle" either. If he asked you specifically 'I really want to play poker but I know I should do these reports- ugh what do you think" you could say gently "how about get ___ amount done on the reports/do the annoying part and then play".  Maybe.  It's best if he initiates and proposes his own solutions to these adulting parts of life.

I once suggested to my husband that he get back into power walking he used to do -this was a dozen years ago -and he said I sounded like his mom.  So I never said it again. 

On his own he got back into it.  On his own he'd then ask me for input like "do you think I should go exercise today -think I pulled something in my back" -and we had adult conversations about how it's subjective and my way of exercising isn't for everyone etc but it felt good- like equals.  He knew I wouldn't make unsolicited suggestions or nag.  

You are tempted to take on all these counterproductive and inappropriate roles instead of seeing what's really happening -he has a drinking problem he is unwilling to tackle and why is he taking AHHD meds without a diagnosis (not sure how that works or how it interacts with alchohol). I just don't see this a a good match without a good marriage counselor as one more chance/effort.  I'm sorry.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, felurian said:

If you don't, this marriage is doomed

I would pay careful attention to this veiled threat. Please privately and confidentiality (do not tell him), consult an attorney and get advice on your situation and options in the event of divorce. 

He's basically saying, my-way-or-the-highway. 

Do you work? If you want a marriage and family with a man who adopts your Christian values, isn't a gambler, problem drinker, slovenly or watches porn, this is not the right man.

The issue is he already has one foot out the door. He's ready to end the marriage. So get the support and advice you need. You're young enough to start over with someone who is more compatible and embraces your values.

 

[felurian]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

That's what a nagging mother says to a son.  If you were a mom you could say "you're not allowed to go to John's for poker unless you do X first" but he's an adult.  You also are not his boss or therapist. It's not positive and can never be when you take on these roles.

  It's not perceived as "gentle" either. If he asked you specifically 'I really want to play poker but I know I should do these reports- ugh what do you think" you could say gently "how about get ___ amount done on the reports/do the annoying part and then play".  Maybe.  It's best if he initiates and proposes his own solutions to these adulting parts of life.

I once suggested to my husband that he get back into power walking he used to do -this was a dozen years ago -and he said I sounded like his mom.  So I never said it again. 

On his own he got back into it.  On his own he'd then ask me for input like "do you think I should go exercise today -think I pulled something in my back" -and we had adult conversations about how it's subjective and my way of exercising isn't for everyone etc but it felt good- like equals.  He knew I wouldn't make unsolicited suggestions or nag.  

You are tempted to take on all these counterproductive and inappropriate roles instead of seeing what's really happening -he has a drinking problem he is unwilling to tackle and why is he taking AHHD meds without a diagnosis (not sure how that works or how it interacts with alchohol). I just don't see this a a good match without a good marriage counselor as one more chance/effort.  I'm sorry.

So would it be best if I suggest more positive actions only if he comes to me first? Anytime I suggest an alternative without him requesting my input is nagging? 
 

And maybe the doctor who prescribed the medication made a diagnoses of ADHD but didn’t tell him? I’m not sure, I just know he uses it as needed to help him focus at work. I agree, the drinking remains an unresolved issue but like you said above, I shouldn’t bring it up less I look like a nag. 
 

so really this leaves me with waiting for my husband to hit some sort of rock bottom and initiate recovery on his own. I can’t control when or how (or if ever) this will all happen. I should focus on my own well being and reactions. 

[felurian]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would pay careful attention to this veiled threat. Please privately and confidentiality (do not tell him), consult an attorney and get advice on your situation and options in the event of divorce. 

He's basically saying, my-way-or-the-highway. 

Do you work? If you want a marriage and family with a man who adopts your Christian values, isn't a gambler, problem drinker, slovenly or watches porn, this is not the right man.

The issue is he already has one foot out the door. He's ready to end the marriage. So get the support and advice you need. You're young enough to start over with someone who is more compatible and embraces your values.

 

Yeah when I shared the story with my sister, she said this stuck out to her and she was disappointed to see him “punishing me” by withdrawing the promises he has made me. She said his actions aren’t showing that he wants to rebuild. That essentially he wants me to stay quiet and agreeable. 
 

Yes I work. I barely make enough to live alone, let alone pay my reoccurring bills/debts. I’ve considered enrolling in technology courses to initiate a career change. I always imagined doing this after kids, but I’m starting to believe it may be more prudent to set myself up for success now. 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, felurian said:

 

I actually haven’t nagged specifically re: the drinking and gambling. I may suggest instead of drinking, he can finally get around to cleaning his office, or building his new bookshelf. Or instead  of playing poker for the day, he can tackle expense reports that he needs to complete for work (he’s told me that he procrastinates on these reports at work which has lead to some reprimanding). I try to be as positive about this as I can. But no matter how gentle I am, he just says I’m nagging him. 
 

That is because you ARE nagging if you do that.   He needs to be left alone to choose to do or not do whatever, for his own reasons.   That is the ONLY way.  

On your side, you need to sort out your boundaries and adhere to them.  As of now, THIS man, complete with ALL of his unacceptable (to you) behavior, is the person you have chosen to be with.  You can't "make" him change.  If you want to be with him, you need to take him as he is and learn how to live with all of it without throwing yourself under any busses.  Frankly I don't see how this is possible because he's coming from all sides with the behaviors.  

You need to leave him if you can't live with him AS HE CHOOSES TO BE.  

Additionally, you CAN'T use "change or I will leave you" as a threat.  It's appropriate to tell him that WHEN AND IF YOU MEAN IT.   

It has to come from a completely authentic place from deep inside of you.

If you know you cannot go on living with this or that behavior, you MUST be clear on this with yourself.  Then you really do need to clearly tell him, and if he does not make changes, you need to MOVE OUT. 

All the nagging and "parental" behavior towards him won't help and in fact it's helped to make things worse. 

If he won't go to counseling with you, and you are determined to stay with him, please go to therapy on your own so you can get some help with how to stop your co-dependent behavior and accept him as he is. 

This really is, at the core, an issue of your co-dependence. 

Many people have managed to learn how to live with practicing alcoholics, drug and sex addicts, etc.  If you want to stay with this guy you need to learn to live with him.  As he is right now. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, felurian said:

So would it be best if I suggest more positive actions only if he comes to me first? Anytime I suggest an alternative without him requesting my input is nagging? 

Yes it comes across as nagging/unsolicited advice to an adult.  Even if he comes to you tread lightly and see if he has his own ideas first.  And don't think of it -IMO -as "more positive actions" - they might be -they might not be -for him - you are suggesting alternatives that might work better for him.  Then he can decide if they do.  How would you like it if he constantly suggested without you asking that a more positive action on your part would be to enroll in technology courses?

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, felurian said:

So would it be best if I suggest more positive actions only if he comes to me first? Anytime I suggest an alternative without him requesting my input is nagging? 
 

NO.   You can't be suggesting anything to him about his behavior.  Sorry, but that ship has sailed and it's not an option in the relationship you and your husband have forged together.  You are the nagging mommy, he is the recalcitrant teenager.

Frankly he doesn't need your help or suggestions to "know" that excessive drinking, being a slob, procrastination are not good for your marriage or for him.   HE KNOWS ALREADY, probably times 1000.

It's up to him whether to do anything about it.

As I have said, you can make boundaries.  You can designate a portion of your home where your rules apply and he is not allowed to bring his messes in there.   If he encroaches you can put his stuff out and ask him to respect your space.  If he's trashing objects that belong to you, you can tell him that those are your things and he needs to leave them alone.