I feel so stupid after such a short time!!

[RJB]

Hello. I'm 30 years old and a divorced dad of 2 girls.

My marriage ended a couple of years ago and the divorce was finalized this time roughly, last year.

 

I've had a couple of dates etc in 5he time since we split up, but none of the girls I've dated have really been right for me. However, about a month ago, I started talking to someone online. We soon met up and started dating (she's a mum so most of the dates we had were just chilled evenings at hers while her boy was in bed etc, although we went out a couple of separate days which was nice.

She's beautiful, funny, kind, hardworking and I really did like her. Things were going great until this Friday just gone she messaged me about her day, I replied and she somehow took my messages completely in the wrong context (not that I thought there was any way of taking what I said in the wrong context, it was just a normal message that I sent!). We ended up having an argument and I've not heard from her since then. I've messaged her a couple of times but she's ignored them and so it's now all over between us. The thing is, even though we'd only been dating a few weeks, I really do like her and was actually really excited to see how we would go on in the future. So now I'm really cut up and can't stop thinking about what might have been. I do t get to meet many people as I work full time plus have the girls with me half the week (including most weekends), so when I do meet someone (which is always on dating sites etc) it's quite a rare experience, and even more rare to find someone I like as much as I liked this girl! I feel stupid for feeling like this after just a few dates and weeks if knowing someone!!

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, RJB said:

, I replied and she somehow took my messages completely in the wrong context . We ended up having an argument and I've not heard from her since then. 

Sorry this happened. Let the dust settle. It seems like she's on edge about something. What did you say that she misunderstood?

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry it happened. Look at it in another way: If she was mad about the simple interaction, maybe she isnt such a good match after all.

I am also interested in what did you say that sparked the argument?

[RJB]

I wish I knew exactly what it was that I was supposed to have said! So she sent me a voice note (she sends them quite often instead of texting etc) on Friday evening, at about 8pm, to say she'd just been out to buy a new bed. I sent one back, just saying that that was a random decision to suddenly go out at that time to get a bed, and asked if hers was broken or anything (I'd never been in her bedroom). She sent one back saying that the bed was for her son, and that I was making wrong assumptions about her and was "out of order"for saying what I did, but I literally jokingly said it was a random acquisition to make at 8pm on a Friday evening. But by me saying it was a random acquisition, that got her all riled up and lead to us now not talking! I really don't understand what I've done wrong! It's so annoying though, as I really did like her and was excited to see how we were going to go in the next few weeks and months!

[Starlight925]

Look at it from her perspective:  She has guys all day long sending her d*ck pics.  Sending her directly suggestive messages.  Offering to do things to her.  

Your message, while innocuous, sounded like all the others.  Oh great, I have this seemingly nice guy, but now he wants to find out why my bed is broken.   Heeeeeere we go again.

Call her (don't text) and tell her, in your voice, not your little words typed out, that you were just having a discussion about shopping at that hour.  Nothing more.  Make sure she realizes that, to you,  "broken bed" meant nothing more than...."broken refrigerator", or "broken table".  Then, give her a bit of space to react, and I bet she'll realize that you are not like all these other creeps.

I'll tell you a funny story.  Years ago, I had this interaction online:

Guy:  I see you like independent films.

Me:  Yes!  Love them!  Always looking for recommendations.

Guy:  Have you seen "Hands on a Hardbody"?

Me:  You creep!!!  You loser!!!!  Blocking you now!!  Never contact me again!

Me, later.....watched "Hands on a Hardbody", which turned out to be an awesome documentary about a hardbody truck contest that a dealership in Longview, Texas holds where contestants must keep their hands on the truck, and the last one standing wins the truck.

I took things the wrong way, lol.

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, I also think that its because "broken bed". And implication that she broke it with somebody having sex. Not what you meant but she took it the wrong way. 

As Ive said, no big deal. If she got mad for that maybe you are better without her. 

[RJB]

I really want to call her later tonight and see if we can talk and sort it out, but as she's ignored both the messages I've sent since Friday (one yesterday morning and the other in the evening) I'm not so sure if that'd be a good idea! But At the same time, I really want to know what made her react the way she did and if there's any way if getting around it!! I'll be honest, I don't actually think I said about her bed bring broken, I think I said something more along the lines of "oh, that's a funny time to be going out to getting a new bed, I didn't even realise you needed one haha, that's a funny acquisition" or something, in a voice note, and I didn't say it in a serious, questioning way or anything. The fact she's not really let me explain myself either is quite upsetting. I want to phone her later (in the evening as it's mother's day today here in the UK so she's probably busy with her boy at the minute) but really don't know if I should or not. But if I don't, then I know 100% we'll never speak again, so I don't really have anything to lose in trying, right?! 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, RJB said:

 I want to phone her later (in the evening as it's mother's day today here in the UK so she's probably busy with her boy 

Is she in touch with the boys father? She seems on a hair trigger about something. Let the dust settle. Don't contact her today. 

[RJB]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she in touch with the boys father? She seems on a hair trigger about something. Let the dust settle. Don't contact her today. 

Theres a bit of bad blood between the dad and her. He is quite an absent father, doesn't seem to want much to do with the boy. He is with a different woman now and they've got a child together. When the boy goes over to see them, he gets ignored by his dad and his partner and they focus all energy on the other child, sometimes they even forget to feed the boy! So he doesn't see him very often. I just really want to talk to her, even if it went badly for me and she told me she doesn't want to speak to me again, then atleast it's 4hen confirmed and I can try and draw a line under it, but just being ignored and not hearing anything from her at all makes it feel worse 

[MissCanuck]

Nah, if she's ignored both your messages, don't call her. 

Look, the wires got crossed. But my guess is she was looking for a way out anyway. Someone who is interested in you and wants to see you again would likely have been open to hearing your explanation rather than cutting it off altogether. A little benefit of the doubt probably would have been extended, in other words. 

Don't bend over backwards here. Your words may have come out wrong but she's also being a bit overly-dramatic. 

[boltnrun]

Seems like someone who can't handle anything that even remotely seems like criticism.  Can you imagine a lifetime of carefully thinking about what you say in case she might take it the wrong way and fly off the handle?

[RJB]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Nah, if she's ignored both your messages, don't call her. 

Look, the wires got crossed. But my guess is she was looking for a way out anyway. Someone who is interested in you and wants to see you again would likely have been open to hearing your explanation rather than cutting it off altogether. A little benefit of the doubt probably would have been extended, in other words. 

Don't bend over backwards here. Your words may have come out wrong but she's also being a bit overly-dramatic. 

The thing is, I was round hers on Tuesday evening for a few hours, and she was saying how happy she was to have met me etc, she was kissing and cuddling me constantly and seemed really keen on me. It's my birthday next Friday and she was even saying about how we should try and get baby sitters that evening so we can go out etc. So she went from seeming to be very keen, to now not wanting to know me, just because of one totally innocent message. It's really upset me to be honest!

[MissCanuck]

Just now, RJB said:

So she went from seeming to be very keen, to now not wanting to know me, just because of one totally innocent message.

I highly doubt it's down to this one message, if I'm being honest. It usually isn't. 

It could be any number of things that have nothing to do with you, but she may be the type to blame the guy before making a dramatic exit. 

And if she's that easily set off by something that could otherwise be chalked up to a misunderstanding, you would probably be in for a very bumpy ride with her anyway. Sounds like a lot of work. 

[RJB]

51 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I highly doubt it's down to this one message, if I'm being honest. It usually isn't. 

It could be any number of things that have nothing to do with you, but she may be the type to blame the guy before making a dramatic exit. 

And if she's that easily set off by something that could otherwise be chalked up to a misunderstanding, you would probably be in for a very bumpy ride with her anyway. Sounds like a lot of work. 

I do see what you're saying, and it does give off slight "red flag vibes" with how she's reacted! But at the same time, I do really like her and really enjoyed spending time with her and don't want that to end (although I'm certain it already has). It's hard to explain, but I felt something for her straight away, which I haven't felt with anyone else before!

[MissCanuck]

32 minutes ago, RJB said:

It's hard to explain, but I felt something for her straight away, which I haven't felt with anyone else before!

It's not hard to explain. It's infatuation. It's normal, but you need to be careful not to attach yourself too much to that when you start seeing orange flags. 

[RJB]

20 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not hard to explain. It's infatuation. It's normal, but you need to be careful not to attach yourself too much to that when you start seeing orange flags. 

I think it's because she was totally different to anyone else I've dated over the last two years. She has a really good, responsible job, she drives, she is beautiful, funny, kind, caring and just made me smile and laugh all the time I was with her. She seemed really keen on me, and just made me happier than anybody else has. I felt stronger feelings for her than I did for my ex wife at this stage! Think this will end up being a big regret of mine to be honest!

[RJB]

Well I decided to try and call her. It rang a few times then she rejected the call, so now I know for certain that it's all over!

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry this happened top you @RJB.  It's better to avoid impulsive,  highly charged,  unreasonable people such as your former date.  It wouldn't have lasted anyway given her volatile personality and character.  Say, "Good riddance!"

[TheCrow]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not hard to explain. It's infatuation. It's normal, but you need to be careful not to attach yourself too much to that when you start seeing orange flags. 

It IS incredibly hard to explain, it's a MIRACLE to find someone who ignites the 'OMG WOW' thing in us because most people we meet won't be our match on all important levels. It has nothing to do with logic or writing out a list of his/her red flags.

 

OP, you're in the UK right? Whereabouts if I may ask?

Chicks are strange creatures. My advice to you would be to try again. One more time. Maybe just leave her a voice message asking her, ***. Let it go if you don't get a response to that.  You have nothing to loose.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[LootieTootie]

I would let this lay to rest. I'm sorry but this is a lesson to learn. Miscommunication happens and going from her action after the fight, she has decided you are not worth it. 

I also see this as incompatibility. Your attempt at light laughter about a random bed purchase rubbed her the wrong way because she probably thought you were critiquing her or making assumption about her sex life or her weight (yes some people can be this sensitive even if they are not considered obese).

Also when someone say the are out shopping for a bed, I would recommend not saying it is a "funny acquisition" - it kind of open up to all kind of interpretation especially when someone doesn't know you well enough to know what you mean by that.

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry about this. It is a huge disappointment when you've waited so long to find good chemistry only to learn that the person is a flake.

When someone can shut you down so easily over something so trivial without any benefit of doubt? That is someone who was already primed to shut down.

So if not this, it would have been your next sentence.

This doesn't mean it was necessarily about you. It might be the 'Etch a Sketch' effect, where someone is under stress and one small thing goes wrong--and they react by shaking up everything in their lives like a big do-over.

As fabulous as this person may have seemed, she's not relationship material.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, RJB said:

Well I decided to try and call her. It rang a few times then she rejected the call, so now I know for certain that it's all over!

I thinnk this would have come to a screeching halt sooner or later anyway. 

She sounds highly reactive so you wouldn't have been able to form a long-term bond with her. Something would was bound to set her off and you should stop blaming yourself. She sounds unreasonable. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, RJB said:

Well I decided to try and call her. It rang a few times then she rejected the call, so now I know for certain that it's all over!

Sorry this happened. Even though you had a few good dates and chemistry, she seems too high strung.

All you can do in the future is focus more on in-person interaction and skip the texting repartee.

When you barely know someone things can get lost in translation, especially with cheeky texts.

However with this particular woman, you may have dodged a bullet since her reaction was somewhat extreme.

[poorlittlefish]

If she liked you as much as you like her, she'd have heard you out. She might even have apologised for getting the wrong end of the stick and laughed about it. Instead she chose to completely blank you, which is pretty childish, though I'm not sure why she's not blocked you, unless she enjoys playing games. 

Either way, she's shown that she overreacts to the simplest things. Even if you pick things up with her, the same thing will happen again and you'll forever be crawling after her. She's not as great as you thought she was. 

[Batya33]

All told -my perspective -I think you dodged a bullet and I am a person who was very very triggered if a new man in my life sent me a sexually suggestive message -especially if we'd never met (dealbreaker).  I'd have reacted to the Hardbody comment above (oh how hilarious) similarly.  And -there's something off here and if she's this reactionary/triggered you'd be walking on eggshells.  She made her bed, let her lay in it.  Without the privilege of you being there.