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Everything posted by RJB

  1. The thing about all that, and I do agree on the separation thing, is that my wife is adamant that she hasn't had any legal advice, other than obviously now speaking to the child maintenance service. She even told my solicitor that she knows her rights and is refusing to pay for any legal representation, so I don't really know what she's doing/thinking!
  2. This is what I have always thought, but I've always had to pay the rent, gas, electricity, water etc etc. She keeps telling me she has moved out and I have received a letter from child maintenance saying I've got to start paying £250 a month to her. She still comes and goes to our flat as she pleases though, but surely if she's moved out and is seeking child maintenance, that's proof she no longer lives here so she shouldn't be able to just come and go when I'm not here, without contributing? She's using all the utilities I pay for, I'm paying the rent, she's eating the food I buy, but she doesn't pay a penny. It doesn't seem right
  3. The trouble is, she is now starting to get very petty. Things like messaging me, demanding I transfer £2.93 to her because I have used the landline and that's how much it's cost on the phone bill (the phone/internet is the only bill that she pays). And yet it's fine for her to come along and take the food that I bought last week and still use all the electricity she wants when she comes round while I'm not there etc. It's almost like she just wants to cause an argument and make me snap at her, as then that would make me look bad in the eyes of the courts etc. I'm not going to send the money, I'm just going to ignore it as I don't feel I should have too. It's just silly little things that she's now doing, trying to get a ride out of me!
  4. Thank you. It's almost like the bad days, most of the last two years, have suddenly vanished from my mind. The times I'd dread going home from work as I didn't know what kind of mood she'd be in, always scared of saying or doing the wrong thing incase it annoyed her, if she told me to do ten things and I done nine, she'd go crazy at me for not doing the tenth thing, the silences we'd have most night when we weren't arguing, the silky little comments we'd both make to each other, the overpowering and dominant mother in law, the constant "get off me, I don't want you near me" that I'd get, even if I put my hand on her knee for half a second, the sleeping on the sofa etc etc, I've forgotten them all and can only remember our good times from years ago. Why do I feel so jealous about her potentially meeting a new bloke, as, if he stuck around for long enough, would soon realise what she's like and probably wouldn't be as prepared to stick with it as I was. Obviously my daughter's are the number one issue in all of this, and the most important people in my life, but it seems like I'm not allowed to feel upset at what's gone on at times, but you can't always control your emotions! I wish I could switch my feelings for her off like a tap, but I can't, and it's that which is most upsetting me about our split, after the situation with the girls, but I'm viewing those as a totally separate issue that I have to get resolved
  5. No, people gamble because they have issues aswell. I had (at the time) a mental health issue due to financial issues and couldn't see how to get out of it. When you feel like that, you get desperate and make mistakes. Some people turn to drink, drugs, gambling, robbery, get severley depressed etc etc). I resolved my issues though, and came out the other side. Isn't that a positive? Would you keep battering an ex alcoholic after they managed to stop drinking, or would you say "well done for battling and beating those demons"? I had a problem and I beat it. I have seen them everytime I've been offered the chance (only once each weekend though, for a couple of hours) and I've been messaging every night and trying to have video calls with the girls, but she goes days without even letting me see them on a video call. I can't go round there and demand to see them, as that'd be seen as threatening and they could even call the police as I'd be on their property. I'm doing it the correct way. The more times she refuses me to see them, even on video, the more unreasonable she is making herself look. The girls are always so happy to see me. I went to see them on Saturday and they ran too me, all excited, and when I left, they were crying their eyes out. How is it in their best interests to keep them away from me like this?
  6. Look. A divorce can take months, say half a year to formalise. Then it would be the case of seeking access to my children, say another six months. So that's a whole year of incredibly limited access to my young children, all for the sake of signing a bit of paper to say we are divorced. A mediation isn't a legally bound arrangement. We could agree at a mediation that I'll see the girls every weekend by myself, but then my wife can suddenly change her mind and deny that access again. I've been talking to a solicitor, someone who deals with this every single day of their lives, and I'm going to trust her judgement more than a quick Google search from you. My wife and her mother are extremely manipulative characters and would bulky me into getting exactly what they want in court. She even tried telling my solicitor that she knows her rights more than someone who has been working in the legal sector for years. I'm always being told by my mother in law that I'm just a sperm donor and dad's don't matter in a child's life. I'm not prepared to allow them to brainwash my children for a while year to get my access to my kids. If you weren't allowed to see your children, would you be happy to just sit around and not do anything? Let the mother treat you like a doormat and expect to just live off scraps in regards to seeing your children?
  7. Because I don't need to get a divorce. We can have a legal separation AFTER everything is formalised with the children. She has sent me a letter from the child maintenance service asking me to pay her child maintenance, she wouldn't do that if she was going to move back in and still with me. The letters are not "futile". They are a legally binding contract that states if my wife doesn't agree to what I have proposed and she doesn't give a suitable counter proposal, then the courts will have to make a legal arrangement in regards to the children. Do you think that every couple who splits up suddenly gets a divorce? I will be looking at getting a legal separation, but I've been advised (and I chose my solicitor carefully, been named the best solicitor in my county for the past three years) that I do not need to get a separation or divorce before sorting out the children
  8. So I've got to live my life waiting for her to text me and say I can sit in her garden for an hour have I? She is worried that I would take the kids, but isn't that what she's done? You aren't listening to what I'm saying. I don't want her back, I wouldn't be able to trust her. She is the one using the kids, dangling them Infront of me and then saying "but you can't have them" if I did that, you'd be saying how wrong I was. What is so bad about a dad being allowed to take his own children out for the day? People who have done a lot worse than me get more access than I'm currently allowed. We are both on the birth certificates, we both have equal care if those girls, so why is it right for me to suddenly have that stripped from me, just because my wife doesn't love me? I've never known separated parents to jot both have their children by themselves
  9. Three days ago, my wife had to call me to ask me what our daughters dose of medications are for when she feels unwell, as she had forgotten, that's hardly a reassuring thing for her to have to ask me. She has had clinical depression for years and has attempted suicide a few times and has told various people recently that she is feeling suicidal, and yet you have the audacity to say she is so much more stable than me. What is so wrong about a father wanting to see his children? THE GAMBLING AND STEALING HAS BEEN OVER FOR MONTHS and as I've already said, what about the £900 of my money from my nanny who died, in which my mother in law took from my flat without my consent and put into my wife's account? Is that acceptable because she's a woman so she can do no wrong? A decent parent doesn't take children away from a parent and refuse any unsupervised access, based purely on issues between the parents. You should see how happy those children are whenever they see me, and they cry when I have to leave. I don't have to file for divorce, that can happen after this has been sorted out. The letter to the courts will be sent out this week and things will start moving hopefully. I just honestly feel like you think it's fine for a mother to take children away from the father, when the father has never done anything to hurt them. I've always had food on the table for them I've always provided a roof over their heads, I've taken care of any medical issues they've had, I've always been the one to stay overnight in hospital when they've been ill because my wife "can't cope with them in hospital and it gives her a headache, so she don't want to be there with them£ her words, even when our youngest was just days old. I'm not a bad dad, I'd do anything for those children, but because I'm a make, it seems like it's perfectly fine for me to not have any decent access to them, other than when she clicks her fingers and let me sit in her garden for an hour
  10. Firstly, I'm not going to let my children go days without food, and that would seriously affect my diabetes, so I had to get food in one way or another. If I didn't, then it would be seen as neglect. I have had help from family to help me get back in the right direction financially, and so I'm in a much stronger position now. I did a good shop last week, and my wife came round the next day when I was at work and took just about all of it away. She has practically emptied the cupboards and freezer/fridge. That's not right, is it? The gambling situation stemmed from stress/worry that I was going through at the time, as I've said, I hold my hands up too it, but let's face it, everybody makes decisions in their lives that they regret. Nobody is perfect. When she was first on a sex and dating site, messaging people, trying to date etc, she was still living with me, still married etc, just because she wasn't happy with me, that still makes it an attempt at an adulterous relationship. If I started chatting to a load of women three months ago and decided to meet up with them, I'd have been classed as cheating, even though we weren't happy in our marriage! I do sometimes feel if the genders were reversed and it was me who had taken the kids and refusing the mother from having much access, things would be totally different.
  11. I just can't get over her and when you feel like that with somebody and you still love them dearly (no matter what she's doing, I can't turn them feelings off like a tap) then not in the right frame of mind to fight her in the way I need too. I'll admit, I've always has jealousy issues within me, and the thought of her with someone else, even if it is just online sexting etc, does destroy me. I'm going to have to have her in my life forever because of the children, and seeing her happy and moving on from me and with someone else is scaring me so much. I just don't know if those feelings will go. Feeling like this is obviously not helping me with getting the access to my children as all I'm doing is wallowing at home and sinking fast, but I can't help it! If I could just look at her and not give a **** about her and what she's doing (that's how she is with me) then I'd be in a much, much stronger position to win my beautiful little girls back!
  12. I've mentioned mediation to the solicitor, and she said that while it is normally a good idea, in this case it's probably not. Because my wife can be very controlling and almost a bulky at times to get what she wants from me, my solicitor feels that the mediation would basically end up with her bullying me into agreeing with what she wants, which I feel could be true. I'm not good in times of conflict and my wife knows how to play me to get what she wants. I hate confrontation etc. Which is why it'll be best for it to go to court as my solicitor can help me with my case, whereas if it was just down to mediation, then I'd end up losing out
  13. My solicitor advised my wife that she will give her one week to digest the letter and to see if she changes her mind. She told her that if she still refuses to make any plans or provides a counter offer, then an application to court will be made immediately. She has been given until Wednesday evening and my solicitor is speaking to me on Thursday. So then the order to the courts will be made but due to covid, the waiting times for court cases are up until around Christmas time this year.
  14. On the matter of divorce, I've been advised by my solicitor that it's better to get the children situation dealt with first and foremost, I stead of having to deal with two cases at once. I've been very truthful with the solicitor (told them about the money etc and given my reasons for doing what I did). I have been proactive in terms of speaking with my work about changing my hours, and devised a contact plan that I felt was fair for myself, my wife and the girls in terms of shared care. My wife rejected the letter that my solicitor sent to her though and angrily called my solicitor. I keep looking at this whole situation as two separate issues. There is the main issue of my daughters and receiving access to them which will hopefully be sorted through the correct channels. The second issue is my feelings for my wife. I wish I could feel nothing for her and just put her to the back of my mind and not care about what she's doing in her private life, but I do still love her, that can't be helped! This is my issue, the feelings I have for her won't just disappear, her feelings for me went a long time ago meaning she can move on. I do attend my clinics and although my diabetes has always been up and down, we are always trying to solve it and get it more controlled. I married my wife because I loved her (still do!) And she loved me. I wasn't scared of her mental health issues as I thought I could help her through them, and I did for a few years (to the point where she was completely taken off her meds and didn't need to see her psychiatrist for years). When our second girl was born and we found out about her condition, that is when this all first started going downhill, as the stress was too much for my wife. My wife is so angry at me for getting legalities involved in the situation, but I had too as if not, everything was totally on her (and her mum's) terms and I was being denied free access to my own children. She is still refusing to get her own representation and every time court or solicitors are mentioned, she starts getting upset, crying and starts ranting at me. She seems worried that maybe she will lose out and realise that what she is doing is unacceptable
  15. As I clearly said, it has been sorted, it's all been paid back and I haven't gambled since it all happened a year ago. She stole £900 from me and put it into her account that my nan left me when she passed and I've never seen any of that money, but I'll guess that's ok in your eyes? I guess the fact that she has put in her diary that she wants to kill herself and is very unstable is good for the kids aswell? I guess the fact that her mum called me a freak because I have diabetes is acceptable aswell?! What was I meant to do with the money situation if she wasn't helping out? I only earn circa £1k a month and was spending 1.2k a month on rent, utilities, shopping, petrol etc etc. I had to do something going so we still had somewhere to live! I'm sure you're perfect and have never made a mistake in your life then? My wife has a history of severe depression and has been hospitalised in the past for overdosing on prescription medications, so how is that a stable and secure environment? Yes I'm feeling depressed right now, but my wife and kids have suddenly left me, what am I supposed to feel? There's even been times where our daughter has been in a critical condition where she needs her emergency medication within minutes to ensure her survival, and I've had to rush home from work to give it to her as my wife froze and couldn't do it. What would she do if she was home alone and that happened? I don't feel like she is so much more if a better parent than I am, and it's in the children's best interests to have both parents in their lives, not just have their dads round there for a hour here and there
  16. We always had an agreement that I would pay for the rent, utilities etc, and she would pay for the food shopping, girls clothes and that kind of stuff. Suddenly a couple of years ago, she stopped paying for all of it and so I was paying for everything. I kept telling her that I was getting into financial difficulties and was constantly in debt/overdrawn. She would still not pay and so I was forced to take the money from her account, as if not I would have not been able to provide a roof for our girls to live under or put food on the table. I've admitted too it and have paid the money all back to her. My solicitor knows this and has agreed that it's not ideal, but it doesn't mean I can't take care of my kids. I've even personally spoke to the police who said there is nothing that can be done by her to get me prosecuted etc. In terms of providing care for my girls, I've spoken to my boss who is more than happy to alter my working hours so I can have my girls half the week, however it was sorted out. My girls are of course my priority, but how is it good for my wife to be sexting people, looking for hook ups etc all while having the girls with her? That's not providing a stable environment for them is it? What if she started sleeping with different men all the time and bringing different blokes home to the girls? Or as I said the other day, what if it was the other way round. If I had taken the girls and denied their mother from seeing them unsupervised and I started seeing loads of other women, I'd be seen as some kind of sc*mbag! Yes the money thing wasn't good, but I was desperate and going through a tough time. I developed a small gambling addiction at the time aswell as I was desperate to have money in the bank to look after the girls. I have not done anything like it for months now and am in a much better financial position. These issues can obviously take away all my trust, but who doesn't do stupid things in life? Or is everyone else totally perfect? At the end of the day, I still love in the marital home, have never physically hurt my wife or children, have taken care of them all, including my youngest daughter's serious, life threatening condition that she has. I never left the relationship as I never wanted to walk away from my my girls or my home. I never asked my wife to leave, it was her choice. But I certainly never asked her to take my children. My wife's mother has a friend who isn't allowed to see his own children because he is a convicted murderer of his own wife, and yet they let him take the girls out by himself, take them into the woods, he comes round and kisses the kids and asks to change nappies for them in private on his own. They trust him, more than me. How is that right?
  17. My solicitor has sent her a letter (on Thursday) explaining to my wife that I want equal shares care of the girls. I set out my proposals (times I'd pick them up, how my work schedule can be altered to fit around them etc etc). My wife yesterday rang my solicitor, rejecting everything and told her that she doesn't want me around the children without her supervision because she doesn't trust me. The trust issues come from issues between us, (no cheating or violence etc) and as my solicitor told my wife, none of those issues represent a reason why I cannot have my children unsupervised. My wife has even written in her diary a few times this year how SHE has been feeling suicidal and can't cope with the girls. I'm only in this depressed mindset now as I never wanted to lose any of them (including my wife) and it's hurting me to see her already moving on. She's doing things online by all accounts, that she never done with me from the day we first met, such as sexting other men, as she has never been that kind of girl. I've been asked if I'd like to see the girls this afternoon round hers for a couple of hours, which I will do. I've attempted to video call them every night and keep getting rejected. She has now had some sexy underwear delivered to our flat "as she forgot to change the delivery options to her mum's house". She then messaged me to tell me that "even though it's none of your business, they are for me and not for anybody else.". Not once have I said that the kids were abducted, but let's put this on the other foot. What if it was a man who was doing this and refusing the mother any decent access to the children? I bet people would see it differently then. She's refusing to get a solicitor "because she knows her own rights" which seems a bit childish as when this gets to court (which it will) she won't be able to put up a very good case with nonlegal representation or decent advice!
  18. Hello. I made a post a week or so ago about my situation, but I wanted to come at it from a different angle. Basically, I've been with my wife for just over 6 years in total and married for 3. We have two children aged 4 and 2. We haven't been getting on for around 18 months or so and haven't even had sex for about 2 years. I've been sleeping on the sofa for over a year aswell. Around last Christmas, she told me that she no longer loves me and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was heartbroken as no matter how hard things were, I always loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. She kept asking me to leave, but I refused as I didn't want to walk away from her or the children. Well three weeks ago, I found out through a friend that she was on multiple dating sites. I asked her about it and after a while, she admitted it. She told me it was just to make new male friends and have a bit of a flirt. It hit me like a rock. We had a few arguments and a couple of days later she left me and moved into her mum's. She also took our children and isn't letting me see them (I'm getting solicitors and courts involved which has really annoyed her) Obviously I'm missing the girls like crazy but I'm sure that I will get that part of it sorted eventually. The trouble is, I'm missing my wife for no reason at all! All we ever did was argue, we had no love life, slept in separate rooms, she was always moody and bossing me about. She was always right and everything I did was wrong and even my own friends and family disliked her. But I can't get her out of my head and want her back! She even called me this morning to moan at me and saying how the children don't want to see me etc. Why do I miss her so much? The flat is so quiet but still full of all her stuff and all our pictures including the wedding photos everywhere. Nothing I do and no matter how angry I try to get makes it any easier. She's taken my kids and stopping me from seeing them, and I still feel sad for losing her!!
  19. I'm trying to keep as calm as possible but she is getting angry with me. I haven't argues back as that wouldn't be a good move. I've been so down today, I miss her like mad and want her back, which is stupid after how much she has hurt me and how unhappy we've been for a while. It's my first day back at work today as I've been shielding, and I can't concentrate at all. I can't help but love her and miss her!
  20. She phoned me a little while ago, saying I don't care about the children because I haven't sent them any money (all my money I earn goes on rent and utilities etc to keep a roof over our heads, until they obviously left) so how can I suddenly start giving her money without coming to a proper agreement? She also said it's my fault that the girls are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor at her mum's because I refused to leave the flat. But I NEVER told her to leave and I would never, not in a million years, tell her to take the girls out of this flat!
  21. No, her dad has always been there but his and my wife's mum's marriage has gone the same way as ours. My mother in law lives with him, but they (like me and my wife when she was here) sleep separately and basically treat each other as lodgers! It's a very strange set up. But he has always been there for my wife
  22. If I'm holding any vital information, I'd love to know what it is! She's always been very dominating and her mother is the same. They've both told me countless times that "dad's aren't that important in a child's life" and that my mother in law is more important for the girls than me! I got in contact with a solicitor the day after she left and have sent her my proposals. I've now got to wait for the letters to be sent out. I might have to sick it up at the minute as I've been advised to play her at her own game and just accept any snippets of contact I can (even if it's sitting in their living room for half an hour) as long as I keep asking to see them. The more they refuse and don't let me see them, the more unreasonable they will look to the courts
  23. Thank you everyone so far for your replies. I really don't know why I'm so hurt about her leaving and letting it cloud my judgement so much. As I said, I haven't been happy for the best part of two years, and to be honest, we've always had a bit of a "tetchy" relationship. She's put pictures of her, her family, some family friends and a bloke I've never seen all playing on the beach with the girls today. I keep getting told she isn't right for me and that I can do a lot better, but I just can't snap out of this almost obsession for her!!
  24. I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. She keeps telling me that mother's get more rights and that I'll be lucky to ever see them again, maybe every other weekend for a couple of hours round theirs. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for. I just don't know how I can cope living alone in our marital home, surrounded by memories (none recent though!) Of our marriage and our children. I've been a complete mess this past week
  25. Because she thinks I'm going to take the girls and not bring them back (which I wouldn't do). There has been issues with us and yes, I've done some silly things (not cheated or anything like that) but nothing that I've done has shown I'm a danger to the girls or a bad parent! The things that have happened between us for her to not trust me might be for a divorce court, but certainly not for a child access case. I've been so unhappy over the last two years, but the thought of being alone terrifies me and hurts me so much. I'd rather be arguing with her all day (not Infront of the girls!)
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