I’m in love with my married friend - she doesn’t know

[HeartGoesOn]

Kai-rou,

Please keep it respectful, otherwise this thread will be closed.

[gamon]

You should be in therapy for your unresolved sexual feelings about this woman and accept that she is off limits.

 

[boltnrun]

You're going to have to tell her.

If she's the understanding and kind woman you believe she is, she likely won't kick off because you've developed romantic feelings for her. She will, however, have to distance herself from you because to remain close friends would be inappropriate.

You will need to be unselfish. Hiding your feelings from her just so you don't have to lose her as a friend is a bit selfish. If you love her as you say you do, you can put her feelings ahead of yours despite what the consequences may be. 

And I do somewhat understand. I did things in my 20s and early 30s that I deeply regret. I am not that person anymore. I never will be that person again. But it meant I had to distance myself from some people who I could potentially have hurt by my actions. One of them was a friend on whose husband I had developed a major crush. I had to stay away from them because it was inappropriate for me to spend time with her while I desired her husband. 

I hope you decide to do the right thing and let her know honestly why you have been pulling back. 

[kai.rou]

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Kai-rou,

Please keep it respectful, otherwise this thread will be closed.

I have not been even remotely DISrespectful? But I’ve been insulted by two other users and accused of things I have not done and would not do. All I have said is that I won’t tolerate it. 
 

Could you perhaps delete their rude comments please? 
 

[kai.rou]

42 minutes ago, gamon said:

You should be in therapy for your unresolved sexual feelings about this woman and accept that she is off limits.

 

I have said repeatedly that I AM in therapy and also I DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR HER.

The feelings are romantic, NOT sexual.

Please read my post and replies properly before replying. I have said this multiple times now.

[lostandhurt]

Since you have never been in love before you have to admit you really don't know what that means or even feels like.  I believe you love her but to be IN LOVE requires reciprocation, shared emotional intimacy which you do not have.

 This is a fantasy you have created in your mind which I totally get.  She is an awesome woman that has been a good friend, believes in you and treats you well in spite of your past.

 Just disappearing isn't an option since she would worry.  Spending less time around her will help as a starting point.

 Telling her would be you hoping she feels the same way(admit it) and you could live happily ever after so that is out because if you are a good friend to them both you would never risk harming their marriage.

If you are in a place in your recovery where you can begin dating again I would say that is a good choice.  In your eyes right now she is the perfect partner for you but she is taken  and happy so you should start dating and see who you might meet. If you meet someone and fall in love this will be a foot note in your friendship that is never spoken about.

 Lost

[kai.rou]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're going to have to tell her.

If she's the understanding and kind woman you believe she is, she likely won't kick off because you've developed romantic feelings for her. She will, however, have to distance herself from you because to remain close friends would be inappropriate.

You will need to be unselfish. Hiding your feelings from her just so you don't have to lose her as a friend is a bit selfish. If you love her as you say you do, you can put her feelings ahead of yours despite what the consequences may be. 

And I do somewhat understand. I did things in my 20s and early 30s that I deeply regret. I am not that person anymore. I never will be that person again. But it meant I had to distance myself from some people who I could potentially have hurt by my actions. One of them was a friend on whose husband I had developed a major crush. I had to stay away from them because it was inappropriate for me to spend time with her while I desired her husband. 

I hope you decide to do the right thing and let her know honestly why you have been pulling back. 

I honestly can’t tell her. I’m worried about what it might do to their marriage, too. 
I mean, how would it look to her husband if I confessed? Like I was trying to swoop in and I really really am not at all. I don’t want to cause problems for them.

I am seriously intending to move away from the area. I feel it’s the only real option here for everyone’s sake. 
This whole thing hurts like hell, and I guess leaving will put that distance between us without having to actually brutally end a friendship.

It will fizzle out naturally because I won’t be there physically any more, I guess. 
That way, I won’t have to hurt her and let her down the way so many others have done in the past by just brutally and abruptly ending the friendship/ditching her, but I’ll be quite literally miles away with any luck, so she won’t be expecting any meet-ups any more or anything like that.

[gamon]

13 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

I have said repeatedly that I AM in therapy and also I DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR HER.

The feelings are romantic, NOT sexual.

Please read my post and replies properly before replying. I have said this multiple times now.

Oh I must have missed that.

 

You oughta consider moving away.

 

 

[kai.rou]

6 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Since you have never been in love before you have to admit you really don't know what that means or even feels like.  I believe you love her but to be IN LOVE requires reciprocation, shared emotional intimacy which you do not have.

 This is a fantasy you have created in your mind which I totally get.  She is an awesome woman that has been a good friend, believes in you and treats you well in spite of your past.

 Just disappearing isn't an option since she would worry.  Spending less time around her will help as a starting point.

 Telling her would be you hoping she feels the same way(admit it) and you could live happily ever after so that is out because if you are a good friend to them both you would never risk harming their marriage.

If you are in a place in your recovery where you can begin dating again I would say that is a good choice.  In your eyes right now she is the perfect partner for you but she is taken  and happy so you should start dating and see who you might meet. If you meet someone and fall in love this will be a foot note in your friendship that is never spoken about.

 Lost

Thank you.

I really am not in a fantasy though. I’m under absolutely no illusions here at all; I know I can’t have her, and I don’t want to be in any relationship to be honest. I’m making no effort to try and “steal” her either, for lack of a better word. I couldn’t do that to them.

It literally is just feelings. Well, not JUST feelings, because they’re so strong, but hopefully you know what I mean?

I’m absolutely not planning on acting on them at all. I would LIKE to be in a place where I could be in a relationship, but I’m not in denial here; I know I’m not ready for that.

And yeah, in a perfect world, if she was single, then perhaps I might pursue something later down the line, but as I know this is not a perfect world, and I’m in full grasp of reality here, I know that thinking that way is illogical, and is moot. 
I am not going to pursue her. I never was. I do feel overwhelming feelings for her, absolutely, and they are nothing like anything I have ever felt before.

I’ve had crushes, intense crushes, infatuations, sexual feelings etc in the past, and this is nothing like any of those. I truly care for her, which is why I know she’s better off with her husband and I would never do anything to come between or hurt them.

I’m definitely not ready to date right now. I’m not sure I ever will be?

Even if I was, I’m repulsed by even the thought of having sex with anyone ever again lol, so I doubt it would go very well!

I really wish I didn’t have these feelings. Unfortunately it does seem like leaving is my only option which will be better for everyone 

[kai.rou]

2 minutes ago, gamon said:

Oh I must have missed that.

 

You oughta consider moving away.

 

 

I am seriously considering it.

I’ve said that multiple times too

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

I am seriously intending to move away from the area

This may be a reasonable consideration. Especially if you can find work in another city. This way the "old you" is hidden in the background and you can start fresh and start reinventing yourself how you are today .

Also consider carefully your social media presence, content and privacy settings. Make sure it reflects what you want and random people can't view or comment on your content.

If you would like to keep the past in the past, you may have to cut ties with people who knew the "old you", unfortunately including this woman.

[lostandhurt]

I am not a fan of running from problems but I have learned as I have gotten older and wiser is that sometimes there is no good solution and not trying to fix it is the best option.

Since you are not ready to date yet (you will one day) you could try and turn your focus onto something else.  Volunteering, working out, hiking, painting or whatever brings you joy and inspires you.

 Moving away is drastic but perhaps a fresh start in a new place is what you truly need. It doesn't have to be forever either.

 Lost

[kai.rou]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This may be a reasonable consideration. Especially if you can find work in another city. This way the "old you" is hidden in the background and you can start fresh and start reinventing yourself how you are today .

Also consider carefully your social media presence, content and privacy settings. Make sure it reflects what you want and random people can't view or comment on your content.

If you would like to keep the past in the past, you may have to cut ties with people who knew the "old you", unfortunately including this woman.

Yeah, it’s sad but it does seem to be my only option here without hurting anyone else. 😞

I’m condo-hunting and job-hunting online right now. Thankfully, there are quite a few options in the area(s) I’m considering, and I’m fortunate enough to have a pretty good income, so that won’t be an issue. It does suck, though.

Hmm, yeah, I have upped my security settings on all of my social media accounts, changed my usernames on those where I can do that, changed my photos to my cat, and have blocked all of these people, but I have a suspicion that they’re using fake accounts, so I have no idea what their names are on those if that’s the case?

I know I hurt these people, but I really have changed, and I did send them sincere apologies. I’m not expecting forgiveness, I never was. I’m not naive or entitled to think they “owe” me either of those things, but the way they’re obsessively stalking me now it seems, and trying to wreck any chances of friendships/connections with anyone, is really unsettling and unhinged. I’m no angel here, absolutely not, and I can’t imagine how they must have felt when I cheated on them, but these particular women were 9 and 8 years ago… I’m absolutely not implying they should “just get over it”, but at least move on with their lives and get some therapy themselves, because I’m sorry but what is their behaviour now going to achieve? It won’t help or serve them in any way, it won’t erase what I did, or anything like that.

Setting out to deliberately ruin the rest of my life when I’ve put in so much work to change, heal and grow as a person, is equally as disgusting. Not every leopard is incapable of changing their spots. I had an addiction, and I beat it. I’m not that guy any more, they really need to stop this toxic behaviour. 
 

Sorry for that rant! Anyway, yes, I’m definitely seriously considering moving away for all of our sakes. 
If the harassment from my exes continues in my next place, if I do make new friends there and they try to sabotage that too, I may even consider reporting them for harassment. I have collected evidence over the years, but was always hesitant to report it due to my past. I always felt that if I reported it, the cops would probably think me a deserving POS, too? 

[kai.rou]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I am not a fan of running from problems but I have learned as I have gotten older and wiser is that sometimes there is no good solution and not trying to fix it is the best option.

Since you are not ready to date yet (you will one day) you could try and turn your focus onto something else.  Volunteering, working out, hiking, painting or whatever brings you joy and inspires you.

 Moving away is drastic but perhaps a fresh start in a new place is what you truly need. It doesn't have to be forever either.

 Lost

Honestly neither was I until leaving my old small town became necessary for my recovery. I didn’t see it so much as running AWAY, but more running TOWARDS recovery and a fresh start. If that makes sense?

This would be me running towards a new life and a fresh start again, I guess? It really sucks because I finally FINALLY made real friends that I wanted to keep forever, and I just had to go and fall in love with one of them.

Typical, right? 
 

Thankfully my job keeps me pretty busy. Not a fan of hiking to be honest and I’m not really very sporty or artistic or musical, but I’m sure (I hope!) that I’ll find something, wherever I end up going to.

 

thanks!

[gamon]

Have you ever considered hiking?

 

It's good for the mind.

 

[boltnrun]

I moved several hundred miles away when I just would not do what was healthy and good for me regarding a toxic ex. I can tell you, it was the best thing. I got perspective with the enforced space and was able to finally see what a POS that guy was. He did end up making some weak attempts to get me back under his spell but they all failed because I was completely unreachable emotionally from him. Moving away did me a world of good. And I made some amazing, life long new friends. 

[lostandhurt]

28 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

This would be me running towards a new life and a fresh start again

I totally get it.  Take some trips on the weekends to a few possible fresh start cities and see how you feel about it.  Who knows you may just find just what you need for the next chapter in your life.

Best wishes

 Lost

[kai.rou]

Thank you! 
Sorry, I’ve been home and job hunting, hence the delayed response.

Yeah, I think getting away from here is probably the best solution.
It’ll hurt me for a while I bet, but at least I won’t be hurting them. Hopefully I’ll meet some new people (who won’t be pestered by the bitter exes and ditch me this time!)

Trying to remain hopeful ish. 

Thanks again! 

[Andrina]

Whether you think so or not, she's wormed it into your brain with manipulation and playing on your heartstrings that you will be her forever friend, and why you feel guilty about fading away from her friendship, because she will fight for that  regardless if it's in your own best interest.

And you are finding it much harder to end the friendship since all of your eggs are in one basket as far as friendships go.

As an adult, we often have to make hard decisions. This is an emotional affair, whether one-sided or not, and to be clear, emotional affairs don't always involve wanting to be intimate. But emotional affairs are harmful to a married person's marriage, and as said, the single person cannot properly, romantically bond with anyone else.

I know that's not your goal right now, anyway. But the friendship with her is hampering your healing goals. And it's also unethical in regards to her husband.

I can't see how moving away is totally necessary. If it were me, I'd tell her: There are reasons I have to let this friendship go because of my recovery process. It's personal and I don't care to share. In going our separate ways, I want you to know you've been important to me, and I'll always have good memories.

If a person is mentally healthy and cares, they won't press. If they are selfish, they will fight the ending and press for answers. If that happens, stay strong and don't give in.

I never believe it's ethically sound to divulge feelings for a taken person.

There are ways you can connect with people, in a social life, without divulging your past such as you would with someone you feel the need to tell. If you're just in book discussion groups, cooking classes, pottery or painting classes, these are ways to enjoy others company in safe environments. Perhaps deeper friendships will form, or maybe they won't. In any case, you should enjoy those classes or get togethers, while continuing with your therapy.

Even with people who aren't recovering from major issues, friendships often end for a variety of reasons. You two didn't know each other a year ago. You'll mourn the end just as people do with romantic relationships, and then move on.

Take care.

[1a1a]

I actually do think this is a situation where you could be honest about what’s going on. 
 

‘If I’m being awkwardly honest, lately I seem to have caught feelings for you and I need a little bit of time part to reset and recalibrate back to finest of fine friends. ‘
 

It’s true people can freak out when unreciprocated feelings are presented but you’re already taking steps to manage them yourself in a way that doesn’t involve or impose upon her and I think that’s pretty honourable. 

[Tinydance]

OK, firstly I think you need to take a deep breath and try to relax. You are getting very worked up! You need to remember that people here don't know you and if they made any "armchair diagnoses" that are wrong/you consider wrong, that's just because they're only going off your post and not your whole life, since they don't know your whole life.

You already have a therapist but still you came here for some kind of advice or opinions from strangers. So I don't think you can really say: "That's it, stop replying" when you don't like certain people's opinions. If you wanted someone to just be impartial and basically say nothing, that's the therapist's job lol

Congratulations on getting help and working hard to overcome your sex addiction! I mean that sincerely.

What I was getting from your post is that yes you suffer/suffered from sex addiction but with that also came the avoidance of being in an actual real relationship. All your sexual escapades were just casual sex or affairs with women who were already taken. I got the impression you were actually scared to get into a real relationship.

I think now that you're in recovery from sex addiction, maybe there's a part of you that wants a relationship. Maybe you're ready. So you've projected these feelings onto your friend. Also she's already taken too so it's "safe" to have feelings for her. Because you can't be in an actual relationship with her, which you seem to be afraid of. I'm pretty sure it's some kind of therapy technique called transference or something like that where you need to channel your feelings towards something unhealthy, into something healthy. So maybe it's time for you to actually get out there and look for a real girlfriend. Not your friend, someone else.

Also you probably have to end the friendship with your friend. If you're in love with her it's just not going to work.

 

 

[Tinydance]

19 hours ago, kai.rou said:

I honestly can’t tell her. I’m worried about what it might do to their marriage, too. 
I mean, how would it look to her husband if I confessed? Like I was trying to swoop in and I really really am not at all. I don’t want to cause problems for them.

I am seriously intending to move away from the area. I feel it’s the only real option here for everyone’s sake. 
This whole thing hurts like hell, and I guess leaving will put that distance between us without having to actually brutally end a friendship.

It will fizzle out naturally because I won’t be there physically any more, I guess. 
That way, I won’t have to hurt her and let her down the way so many others have done in the past by just brutally and abruptly ending the friendship/ditching her, but I’ll be quite literally miles away with any luck, so she won’t be expecting any meet-ups any more or anything like that.

I don't think running away every time a problem presents itself is the answer. Because problems will always come up, no matter where you live. If you deal with them just by moving away every time then you're not actually solving the problem, you're just running from it.

I think you should end the friendship with this woman and start dating other women.

[boltnrun]

It was the right decision for me to move away when I just would not stop obsessing over my toxic ex. I am almost positive I would have continued to do early morning drive bys, call his house phone and hang up, bother his friends by visiting them to interrogate them about him, hang out with his family members hoping to hear he'd broken up with the much younger woman he'd cheated on me with and broke up with me for...the list goes on. Once I'd moved it was impossible to do those stupid things. I was forced to stop due to distance and with that distance came clarity. I discarded my obsession with him and found my lost self esteem. So it may have been "running away" but the problem didn't continue to exist because I had physically removed myself from it. 

Just wanted to post in support of the idea that sometimes leaving is the best thing to do. 

[catfeeder]

I can only speak to what I might do, not necessarily what you 'should' do.

I'd tell friend a clean and privacy-protecting version of my truth, "I'm sorry that I've been causing you worry. I've hit on something with my therapist that I'm finding difficult to handle. While it feels lousy, and I've hit a wall, I'm told that this is natural and to stay with the work. I feel a need to go quiet. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm also in no state to attempt to help you or anyone else to feel better about me right now or not be angry with me. I hope you can try to understand this because my intent is not to hurt you."

That would be my boundary. Any probing or pressure would produce a simple paraphrase of the above--with an emphasis on being in no state to help her understand at this time. Period.

I would also ask my therapist to teach me possible ways to reframe this issue as something to help me grow instead of turning it into a tragedy and drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out. Life is tough enough without adding self-loathing to it.

I've had my share of inappropriate crushes, and I think most people have or will. I say this not to minimize your pain, but rather to point out that you're not exactly some freak--it might just feel that way at the moment. Somehow, eventually, I tried flipping the tables on these painful mind-effs to frame them as models for aspects of myself that I aspire to grow. Their partnerships, which they enjoyed and deserved, could become inspirational models for the kind of relationship I would prefer for myself someday.

The big deal for me was exploiting some gratitude for the fact that such wonderful people DO exist in the world, and it was important for me to avoid attributing their stellar qualities as isolated to only one person on the planet.

So I 'took' something from the experience that I could use productively going forward rather than merely torturing myself about. While I'm oversimplifying, this was by no means an easy deal. It was a scratch-n-claw effort to climb my way out of my own hell. But really, what is the point in any experience if it's only used to suffer for the sake of suffering--and for no payoff?

Head high, and write more if it helps. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you will be kind to yourself. 

[OliviaJJJ]

On 3/14/2023 at 7:53 PM, kai.rou said:

Um. No. I’m not lol. I’m absolutely NOT “waiting to pounce”. I’ve stated MULTIPLE TIMES that I’ve got no intention of even telling her, and absolutely not acting on it! I think it’s you with the “deaf ears” here.
Did you really need to resort to insults? I’m absolutely NOT “clinging on to” any “imaginary world”. What the ***? Where did you get that from?!

There was really no need to attack me like that. I’m not giving into any temptation, either.

Also I don’t appreciate the armchair psychoanalysis; I didn’t willingly fall for this woman, and there is no ulterior motive behind it either!? I don’t WANT to feel this way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly thrilled about how I feel and I have absolutely no intention of even letting her know, let alone acting on it! 
I have stated my reasons in other replies as to why I don’t want to just ditch her. 
However, I think my willingness to literally MOVE AWAY proves my point that I’m completely willing to put some distance between us!!!!

Again, you didn’t need to be rude and try and insult me, or imply that I’m doing any of this on purpose or for any “motive”. There is no motive.

I just happened to fall for someone. I didn’t ask to. I didn’t want to. I was perfectly fine just being her friend but unfortunately I don’t get to choose my feelings!

I would NEVER try to sabotage her marriage. Try reading my posts and other replies before attacking me.

Why are you here, out of curiosity? You've attacked everyone who has offered the advice YOU asked for. I read this whole thread. No one has accused you or insulted you at all. You obviously need help - continue with it as you've repeatedly said you're in therapy. Leave your friend alone - just keep away from her. I've noted you're pushing the blame on to her for your feelings with this "she'll know, i can't do anything" victim routine. You're not helpless here.