I’m in love with my married friend - she doesn’t know

[kai.rou]

On 3/16/2023 at 9:22 AM, OliviaJJJ said:

Why are you here, out of curiosity? You've attacked everyone who has offered the advice YOU asked for. I read this whole thread. No one has accused you or insulted you at all. You obviously need help - continue with it as you've repeatedly said you're in therapy. Leave your friend alone - just keep away from her. I've noted you're pushing the blame on to her for your feelings with this "she'll know, i can't do anything" victim routine. You're not helpless here.

Well I did come here for actual advice, and no I did not “attack” anyone. People have accused me of “being like a tiger ready to pounce” (even though I stated multiple times I would NEVER tell her or make a move, and had NO intention whatsoever of doing so, or breaking up a happy couple!). Was also accused of “having sexual feelings” (when, again, I stated the feelings were romantic. NOT sexual), and told that apparently “this will fall on deaf ears” etc etc amongst other things that I have since hidden as I ignored/blocked the users in question. I came for genuine advice, not to be insulted or attacked. And yes, I was attacked, and accused of things I wasn’t even doing. Just like you’re doing now, by accusing me of BLAMING my friend?! What?! Not ONCE have I EVER “blamed her”!?!? WHERE? HOW?!

I am fully aware that she’s not to blame in this… Pretty sure I even stated that. How could it possibly be her fault? Also not once have I ever “acted the victim” lol I have taken full responsibility.

Okay, I’m convinced I’m just being trolled at this point. But on the off-chance that you’re not trolling, PLEASE read my post properly, and my replies. I’ve stated numerous times now that I have opted to move away as it is easier on all of us. 
I HAVE left her alone - again, I stated this numerous times!? 
 

It is so tiring and frustrating having to constantly repeat myself.

I came here for genuine advice. That was literally it. Not judgment, accusations or attacks on my character. 

[gamon]

6 minutes ago, kai.rou said:

 I did not “attack” anyone.

You're really out of touch with yourself.

You even got a public warning from a moderator because you were attacking people and to be respectful with your posts.

 

[kai.rou]

Figured I would update this, since I now have one…

But first things first, let me just reiterate (AGAIN):

1) My feelings for my friend are romantic, not sexual. 
2) I have not told her, had absolutely no intention OF telling her, and even LESS intention of doing anything about it!

3) I have in fact distanced myself from her, which I previously stated. I did “leave her alone”, but she kept asking me what was going on and why I was hardly speaking to them anymore, what the problem was etc. - She picked up on my distancing and figured out something was wrong. That’s not me “blaming” her for anything!

4) I am absolutely not ready to start dating anyone just yet. Don’t know if or when I will ever be, and I don’t feel it’s fair for me to date other women any time soon in an effort to get over someone else; I don’t want to fall back into the business of using women again, for anything. I am done with that. It’s a crappy thing to do, and I vowed never to hurt anyone else ever again.

 

Now, on to the update itself:

So I’m moving away. Like I figured I should do…

Thankfully, my job has another branch, and I managed to get granted a transfer. So I’m moving to the city where their other branch is, later this month. Turns out my boss has a much younger brother around my age ish (only just a few years older) who is actually looking for a roommate, so I’m going to go move in there until I get my own place.

Anyway, my friend - the one I have feelings for - figured out I was acting distant and so on, and pretty much confronted me about it, so I just said that work was moving me to their other branch, and I had to move for the job. She and her husband who I’m also friends with, actually seemed genuinely upset, which surprised me! Don’t know why, but it did…

I feel awful. Like truly truly awful. I didn’t want to lie, but I obviously couldn’t tell her the truth either; neither of us has anything to gain from that, and I don’t want to ruin her marriage. They don’t deserve that. 
And I also feel awful because now I can go LC/NC (low contact/no contact) much easier.

It really sucks, and to be honest I am really really sad about it, because I’m losing two amazing friends, the best ones I ever EVER had, and probably ever will have. But… yeah. Unfortunately it has to be done.

Thankfully, my boss’s brother/my new soon to be roommate is a really cool guy, and we’ve met up a couple times already, and have another meet up soon before I move in, just to kind of get to know each other and get comfortable with each other first, make sure that each other isn’t a total weirdo or anything before we commit to being roomies 😂

He’s a really cool guy, really nice, seems down to be friends with me. So… I guess (I hope!) I’ve made a new friend already out of this! Fingers crossed. 
 

So yup. That’s where this is at right now. 

[kai.rou]

8 minutes ago, gamon said:

You're really out of touch with yourself.

You even got a public warning from a moderator because you were attacking people and to be respectful with your posts.

 

I literally did not attack anyone by standing up for myself when people were being rude to me in the first place, accusing me of things that I had already said were not the case and would never be????
Please just stop.

[gamon]

On 4/7/2023 at 9:05 AM, kai.rou said:

I literally did not attack anyone

Like I said, you're out of touch. This is the sort of thing therapy can be good for, if you let it.

[Tinydance]

On 4/7/2023 at 11:04 PM, kai.rou said:

Figured I would update this, since I now have one…

But first things first, let me just reiterate (AGAIN):

1) My feelings for my friend are romantic, not sexual. 
2) I have not told her, had absolutely no intention OF telling her, and even LESS intention of doing anything about it!

3) I have in fact distanced myself from her, which I previously stated. I did “leave her alone”, but she kept asking me what was going on and why I was hardly speaking to them anymore, what the problem was etc. - She picked up on my distancing and figured out something was wrong. That’s not me “blaming” her for anything!

4) I am absolutely not ready to start dating anyone just yet. Don’t know if or when I will ever be, and I don’t feel it’s fair for me to date other women any time soon in an effort to get over someone else; I don’t want to fall back into the business of using women again, for anything. I am done with that. It’s a crappy thing to do, and I vowed never to hurt anyone else ever again.

 

Now, on to the update itself:

So I’m moving away. Like I figured I should do…

Thankfully, my job has another branch, and I managed to get granted a transfer. So I’m moving to the city where their other branch is, later this month. Turns out my boss has a much younger brother around my age ish (only just a few years older) who is actually looking for a roommate, so I’m going to go move in there until I get my own place.

Anyway, my friend - the one I have feelings for - figured out I was acting distant and so on, and pretty much confronted me about it, so I just said that work was moving me to their other branch, and I had to move for the job. She and her husband who I’m also friends with, actually seemed genuinely upset, which surprised me! Don’t know why, but it did…

I feel awful. Like truly truly awful. I didn’t want to lie, but I obviously couldn’t tell her the truth either; neither of us has anything to gain from that, and I don’t want to ruin her marriage. They don’t deserve that. 
And I also feel awful because now I can go LC/NC (low contact/no contact) much easier.

It really sucks, and to be honest I am really really sad about it, because I’m losing two amazing friends, the best ones I ever EVER had, and probably ever will have. But… yeah. Unfortunately it has to be done.

Thankfully, my boss’s brother/my new soon to be roommate is a really cool guy, and we’ve met up a couple times already, and have another meet up soon before I move in, just to kind of get to know each other and get comfortable with each other first, make sure that each other isn’t a total weirdo or anything before we commit to being roomies 😂

He’s a really cool guy, really nice, seems down to be friends with me. So… I guess (I hope!) I’ve made a new friend already out of this! Fingers crossed. 
 

So yup. That’s where this is at right now. 

Well I think that moving probably will help but if you want my opinion, I think you moving was a bit too drastic. I've had urequited feelings before or feelings for friends but I didn't keep moving all the time. If you do this every time your feelings aren't reciprocated, you will be moving a lot! I think you could have just told your friend the truth that you have feelings for her and that's why you need to end the friendship. What will happen if you like someone new there's no chance with? Will you just keep moving? It doesn't really seem like the right solution to me but I respect that it's your life.