What are the signs of a cheater?

[AskingQsForViews]

I've (25, woman) never been in a relationship before, but I hear other people's stories of being cheated on all the time and it scares me.

But many say they had intuition/feelings something wasn't right. Even from the very beginning. Or that there were signs.

Can you share what exactly, in detail, what those were, the signs or the feelings you had that you ignored? I want insight into people's experiences so I can readily recognize (and accept!) them if they come up in my own future relationships.

 

[left due to request]

Before that, what do you want to confirm? In any relationships, regardless what will be posted below, if trust has been violated, it will crumble.  Keep in mind that all relationships are different and there are no guidelines.  If this is what you are truly looking for, then go open the Cosmopolitan magazine

[Batya33]

I think the signs of someone who lacks character and integrity (which might not mean the person cheats but obviously not a trustworthy person) is a person whose words and actions don't match on a regular basis -promises are not kept for example. The person is very self absorbed and doesn't treat people with respect and courtesy including friends, colleagues, waitstaff, his mother.  

So if you stick to people who have values compatible with yours there is a far less risk the person will act disloyal in a relationship.  There are no guarantees in relationships of any kind and you lessen the risk by hanging around with people who show through their actions that they are people of character and integrity with solid values.  

[Cherylyn]

I've never been cheated but I imagine the obvious signs of cheating would be the following:

Evasiveness, excuses, frequent unavailability, difficult access to them, most if not all communication is ignored or goes straight to voicemail, infrequent communication, lack of eye contact, too quiet or an excessive talker, sneaky nature, nervousness, secretive, frequent absences from the relationship, taking trips by themselves, either non-interest or too much interest in the relationship, always making sure they cover their tracks, argumentative or overly amiable or any type of behavior which doesn't add up nor ring true.  My late father cheated on my mother and this was how he behaved.

Some cheaters are slick and everything happens right under your nose.  They know how to cover their tracks because this isn't their first rodeo.  They're cheating experts. 

Use your gut instincts.  If your intuition is telling you something is odd and strange about this person's behavior and habits, this uncomfortable feeling is letting you know to beware and danger in the relationship is looming.  If you have your suspicions, know you shouldn't have suspicions and doubts in  the relationship if it were sound and blissful which is the way it ought to be in the first place. 

 

[Coily]

3 hours ago, AskingQsForViews said:

I've (25, woman) never been in a relationship before, but I hear other people's stories of being cheated on all the time and it scares me.

But many say they had intuition/feelings something wasn't right. Even from the very beginning. Or that there were signs.

Can you share what exactly, in detail, what those were, the signs or the feelings you had that you ignored? I want insight into people's experiences so I can readily recognize (and accept!) them if they come up in my own future relationships.

 

I think you are setting yourself up to be miserable by wanting a list of behaviors to tick off on the "Are they a Cheater" Bingo card. Now there are common themes in cheaters, like being evasive or change in attitudes or communication style. But if you are fresh into a relationship you could misidentify someone's personal quirks as cheating. I'll use Cherlyn's list as a sounding board.

42 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

• Evasiveness,
  • Could be cheating  or  a very nervous and un-trusting individual who has a hard time opening up
• excuses,
  • Could be cheating or someone who doesn't own up to circumstances well
• frequent unavailability, difficult access to them,
  • Could be cheating or depending on the nature of their career may have to be gone for periods of time or do on call work (travel nurses for example)
• most if not all communication is ignored or goes straight to voicemail,
  • Could be cheating or could be someone who is very bad at non-personal communication
• infrequent communication,
  • Could be cheating or someone who is busy with work (now still not a great sign, but it's not a sinister sign)
• lack of eye contact
  • Could be cheating or autism spectrum or other learned discomfort in eye contact
• , too quiet or an excessive talker,
  • Could be cheating or just thier nature if this changes on specific subjects then maybe pay attention
• sneaky nature,
  • Could be cheating or could just be how they are; some people cling to every shred of privacy. If it's new then pay attention.
• nervousness,
  • Could be cheating or their nature. Some people get very defensive over nothing and react to tone not just them doing something shady.
• frequent absences from the relationship,
  • Could be cheating or career; now unexplained absences should be a red flag but it's not always a sign of cheating
• taking trips by themselves,
  • Could be cheating or they just prefer to travel solo. Nothing wrong with that, some people prefer exploring the world on their terms.
• either non-interest or too much interest in the relationship,
  • Could be cheating or they are mercurial by nature some people are manic in their relationships.
• always making sure they cover their tracks,
  • Could be cheating or they could be a bit paranoid or have learned this behavior from experiences
• argumentative or overly amiable
  • Could be cheating or they just have an abrasive or complaint nature.

 

While I think Cherylyn has good points from her observation, they aren't gospel. I think you will have a better sense of things once you're in a relationship. You will see changes in behavior, experience a differing attitude over time. Some very honest people have shifty and shady behaviors, and some of the worst cheaters will be silky smooth and you will never know they are juggling 7 lovers on 7 continents.

So Personally, I think you need to focus less on what might happen, and focus on finding someone who is open communicates well and lets you know they have quirks.

[boltnrun]

Are you doing a school or thesis project? Do you have a podcast, blog/vlog or social media channel? I ask because your user name implies you're hoping for "views".

[Batya33]

This is why I wrote what I wrote -in general look for people of character and integrity and the other qualities I described -they are less likely to stray.

[Betterwithout]

I can speak to this, since it was a huge life changing moment for me.
I think of myself as a pretty intuitive person, but the rug was absolutely swept under my foot. 
When I discovered her cheating on me, I didn't think of much of the signs at the time, but discovered them in hindsight....
Something was "off" with her behaviour. 
She couldn't look me in the eye. 
She looked troubled/distracted.  I thought it was post-partum depression revealing itself at the time.
The thing that really threw me off was that she seemed happy and content on some days, and distracted with other days.

After it happened, I learned a lot about her.  bi-polar, she was a very skilled and convincing liar to myself and the previous 2 or 3 men that followed me.
A really messed up individual, that appeared very normal on the surface.

If you are suspecting it,
-keep an eye on body language (does the body match the conversations?)
-watch changes in personality, (seems obvious, but some are pretty telling)
-bettering themself?  Working out, more concerned with appearance, etc.
then the obvious ones we have all heard about..

-"staying late for work"

-stuck in traffic
-going out with friends (more often than usual)

[Cherylyn]

29 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think you are setting yourself up to be miserable by wanting a list of behaviors to tick off on the "Are they a Cheater" Bingo card. Now there are common themes in cheaters, like being evasive or change in attitudes or communication style. But if you are fresh into a relationship you could misidentify someone's personal quirks as cheating. I'll use Cherlyn's list as a sounding board.

While I think Cherylyn has good points from her observation, they aren't gospel. I think you will have a better sense of things once you're in a relationship. You will see changes in behavior, experience a differing attitude over time. Some very honest people have shifty and shady behaviors, and some of the worst cheaters will be silky smooth and you will never know they are juggling 7 lovers on 7 continents.

So Personally, I think you need to focus less on what might happen, and focus on finding someone who is open communicates well and lets you know they have quirks.

My good points from my observation are only from how my late father was towards my mother.  I agree, many cheaters are quite adept at deceit so beware. 

A telltale sign is overzealous behavior of any sort.  Any time a person demonstrates behavior which is not quite right whether good, bad or indifferent, that should be a tip off for you that this person's integrity is in question, in doubt and this person is immoral. 

I agree, cheaters are silky smooth.  It's up to you to be sharp and very in tuned no matter what.  Even though they cheat, it's ultimately your responsibility to make sure your radar is up and become immediately very perceptive for your own survival's sake.  It's the way of the world.  You either succumb to their wicked ways or you rise above it and beat them at their own game.  With practice, you become smarter and catch anything quickly before it escalates out of control. 

Also, you become pickier and choosier regarding whom you choose as a partner in the first place.  After knowing what my late father was towards my mother,  in my mind, I shopped around.   I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake by choosing my husband very wisely and I got it right the first time.  🙂  Even my mother agreed that I snatched up a good man.  I agree, she is right.

[AskingQsForViews]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you doing a school or thesis project? Do you have a podcast, blog/vlog or social media channel? I ask because your user name implies you're hoping for "views".

"Views" as in your views/your perspectives...not trying to go viral 😂

[Kwothe28]

You never know for the signs. Because people who cheat are almost never "on the nose" about it. They hide very well to the point you could never tell sometimes. They get so very good with lying and cheating that its sometimes impossible to tell. I worked in Hotel few years ago. We had cheating couples almost every day. Usually from few towns away (they needed to hand you an ID to rent a room so we would know from where they are) hiding from spouses. We were always discreet but they are pretty easy to notice. But to their spouses, they are on the business trip. Even worst, I had one man who got a call when he signed the room and overheard that he is celebrating the birth of his kid. Pretty sure that who he snucked into his room wasnt his wife lol. Imagine being in hospital with somebody kid. While he gets his mistress into a 4 star Hotel for celebration.

Unless you spend most of the times with your SO, there is always an opportunity to cheat. So people who would cheat, would do it regardless. So, its pointless to obsess over if your first or any other relationship would be with somebody who would. Relax, date, have fun. You would have to "read" the people. How are they as a person and what and could they do. And for that you would need dating experience. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, AskingQsForViews said:

"Views" as in your views/your perspectives...not trying to go viral 😂

Ah, gotcha! This media age has got me thinking of "views" as defined in a different way. Funny. 

[bluecastle]

32 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think you are setting yourself up to be miserable by wanting a list of behaviors to tick off on the "Are they a Cheater" Bingo card.

This is where my mind went, and the advice I’d give to anyone who has never dated and yet is already viewing it through the lens of peril.

People, of all stripes and stations, have cheated and been cheated on. It is one of the most common things that therapists talk about behind closed doors and pastors talk about with their parishioners, to say nothing of being a subject of books, poems, songs, plays, and movies for thousands of years (or, in the case of film, since the technology existed). In short, there is no one on the planet presently in a relationship that can say, with 100 percent certainty, that they won’t be cheated on. 

So I say rather than fine tune the Cheater Radar, the key is fine tuning your own inner keel. Invest wisely in trustworthy people, and divest when trust is broken. Build a life for yourself where you know in your cells that you can withstand hardship, and use that foundation not to be cynical but to remain open hearted, trusting that you can handle whatever winds blow your way. 

Probably not the answer you want, but to me a list of the many ways people can be shady can be found by watching 10 minutes of a soap opera. And I would advise exactly no one to watch a soap opera in order to learn how to navigate the glorious peaks and often treacherous valleys of romantic connection. 

[left due to request]

4 hours ago, AskingQsForViews said:

I've (25, woman) never been in a relationship before, but I hear other people's stories of being cheated on all the time and it scares me

Since you never have been in a relationship, having a list like those above can be damaging.  Very simple example is medications.  If you had a list of all medication's side effects, there are chances that you will experience all of them and then eventually stop taking the medication.  

I guess what I'm saying is keep the list close by but these are not written in stones and they vary between people.  I wish there was a check off list ....

[lostandhurt]

There is a leap of faith we all must do if there is any chance at a real and lasting relationship.  Please don't start out looking for problems because if you look long enough and hard enough you will ALWAYS find something.

 People get into vehicle accidents every second of everyday but I still drive all the time having faith in myself and other drivers that they aren't setting out to crash into me.

 Lost

[redswim30]

Unfortunately, cheating isn't one size fits all.  Some people are good at hiding it, some people suck at it. 

I've known people that have been cheated on and never suspected anything.  Conversely, I've known people who were CONVINCED that their partner was cheating on them when they weren't. 

The truth that a lot of people don't want to accept, because it means accepting that you can't control or even know for sure if someone is cheating on you is this- NO ONE can ever be 100% sure their partner isn't cheating on them.  Unless you are with them 24/7, you just have to trust them, as they have to trust you.  I would say if you discover a REASON not to trust them, that could be a sign of something going on.  But these reasons can vary wildly and some could be suspicious and others, innocent.  I once got suspicious of a BF "hiding things" but it turns out he was planning a surprise trip for me- so our instincts can sometimes be wrong, too.  I've also known people that were just good at hiding their tracks and their partners would boast about having the "perfect spouse". 

It really all boils down to trust.  At the end of the day, that's all you really have.  You either trust the person or you don't.  If you do, there's no issue and if you don't- break up. 

[smackie9]

-They hide their phone, run to the bathroom to answer text messages

-text messages in the middle of the night

-working later than usual and more often

-dressing better, new clothing, newly start working out

-less sex, going to bed later or earlier than you

-irritable towards you, or cold

-their friends acting weird around you because they know

-Cleaning their car out more often

-different smell of cologne or perfume on them

-getting caught in lies

-start forgetting to do things with you

-saying they are sick or too busy

-acting strange, talking too much about an opposite sex coworker

-don't know where they are

-using the term "But we are just friends"

-gaslighting

 

 

[Cherylyn]

They lie a lot and eventually, their pile of lies becomes difficult for them to keep track of, therefore, when speaking to you, their stories are no longer believable.  They're very deceitful and if caught, they become smarter by covering their tracks better in the future.

[catfeeder]

On 1/19/2023 at 11:58 AM, AskingQsForViews said:

I hear other people's stories of being cheated on all the time and it scares me.

What do you consider cheating? Maybe an exchange of body fluids, or would any other forms of disloyalty qualify?

[Cynder]

I'm late to the party.  But I am coming at this as someone who has both cheated and been cheated on.  I've been cheated on a lot more than I've cheated.  I only cheated once, emotionally, and I was in my early 20s at the time. 

I also think everyone cheats at some point in their life.  It's part of the human experience.  We are not hardwired to be faithful to one person for too long.  This is one of the reasons I'm all for open relationships (and I'm in one now) because it's better to go into a relationship not expecting someone to be faithful.

I haven't read all the comments, so sorry if someone already mentioned this one.  But one less obvious sign, based on my observations is that they are suddenly interested in things they weren't into before.  My Dad cheated on my Mom a lot when I was a kid.  And there were times when he was suddenly really into something he didn't care about before.  Like once he got really into football.  He couldn't give two craps about professional sports before that and then all of a sudden he's wanting to watch football games, etc. 

I saw this with some of my exes, too.  One of them who absolutely despised country music suddenly started liking it.  And if they get really defensive when you question this stuff they are almost always hiding something.  I had another ex who was really into Rap music out of nowhere.  My ex husband got really into Anime out of the blue.  Well it was because his side piece was into Anime. 

I'm not a psychologist and I"m not trying to diagnose anyone.  But I remember reading somewhere that narcissistic people are more likely to cheat.  And narcissistic people also have a really weak sense of self.  Narcs are notorious for mirroring whoever they are idealizing at the time.  And when someone is cheating, they are idealizing the person they are cheating with most likely.  So they are suddenly really into everything this person is into.  I hope I'm making sense. 

As far as signs going into a relationship that someone will cheat.  That's harder for me.  I've been cheated on a lot but I can't think of one personality trait they all had.  And in my opinion everyone cheats at some point anyway, so it's just easier to go into a relationship thinking you will likely be cheated on. 

And before people read this and tell me it's all my fault for picking the wrong people to be in relationships with...  Pretty much everywhere I've ever worked had multiple married or spoken for people having affairs with coworkers.  Most of my friends have cheated on their SO at some point.  I know this because I'm the quiet one in the group who everyone confides in and I don't run my mouth.  My roommate, who is nothing to me but a roommate, has had multiple relationships with married/taken people.  She also cheated several times on her son's dad, once with his own brother and also with his best friend.  I work at a place that people use as a discreet hookup spot and I see married/taken people cheating all the time.  I've even seen wives come in and bust their husbands.  So it's not just people I'm choosing to be involved with.  I see people cheating everywhere.