Wife said she's "sorry she's not pretty."

[Connectmotor]

My wife went to get a haircut today and I guess it didn't come out the way she wanted. She complained about a bit and of course I still said she looked good, and I thought she was over it because she stopped talking about it.

Later we were laying in bed and it seemed like something was on her mind, and a moment later after us talking about something else she said, "I'm sorry I'm not pretty" in reference to her hair. She said it half-jokingly, but something about it really bothered me, almost cry and all I could say was "why would you say that?" over and over because I was just really hurt by it.

I think my wife is struggling with some self-esteem issues, most of the time she's very confident, comfortable in bed, I think she's gorgeous, etc., but there's other times I catch her staring in the mirror and frowning at her body. I'm not sure what I can do in all this to help her as her husband.

[SherrySher]

Bad haircuts can be pretty devastating for a woman. 

Even if you think it looks good, she hates it and feels awful with it.

I'm not sure that it's necessarily a long term issue. It might literally just be that she truly does feel awful due to a bad haircut.

The best you can do is remind her that it will grow out again, that it's not permanent, and that you think she's beautiful no matter what.

If you want to do even more, buy her some of her favorite snacks, maybe a scented candle, flowers and let her know it's to cheer up her.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Connectmotor said:

 . I'm not sure what I can do in all this to help her as her husband.

You're doing all you can right now. Being supportive telling her she looks fine and is beautiful to you.

If she's not in the mood for sex once in a while for whatever reason or self-consciousness, you'll have to roll with it.  

The rest is up to her to figure out as far as self imagine. Please don't try to fix her, she needs to work on herself if she wants to. 

[jul-els]

Women are obsessed with vanity in the same way men are obsessed with sex. They can’t help it, it’s just the way they’re wired. Just be supportive of her, reassuring, let her know you think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. It’s what she needs. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Connectmotor said:

...almost cry and all I could say was "why would you say that?" over and over because I was just really hurt by it.

In what way were you hurt by it?

[MissCanuck]

Why did this hurt you so much, OP?

She is just feeling down after a bad hair cut. You did the right thing reassuring her. Her hair will grow and she'll be back to her old self and feeling better.

I am not sure why you are so bothered by this one comment from her.  

[Batya33]

My sense is you value that you “got” a woman who looks gorgeous in an objective way - meaning eye candy. And she just stomped on that belief of yours and is telling you you’re wrong you won no prizes. 
I am much less into looks now - meaning makeup and hair and fashion.  I was more so for many years because I was dating and in my career how you looked was important.  
Now I focus on looking slim and fit over whether I have wrinkles. Lately I’ve been back into hair and makeup - it lifts my spirits some when I feel good about those things. 

I will tell you I’ve had actual nightmares about bad haircuts. Many times. I am extremely selective about who cuts and colors my hair. I think she may feel the same and I wouldn’t worry.  

[Lambert]

I agree with those that comment about a bad haircut can really throw ya for a loop.  We've all heard the "it'll grow it back" LOL.  

I don't think women are all obsessed with looks.  To paint anyone, any gender, or group with a broad brush like that is laughable, immature and insulting.  

I do wonder -- why her comments hurt you.   I don't understand what you mean by that.  

I think whatever her self esteem issues are, if that is even the true problem, they belong to her to resolve.  You can't raise another person's self-esteem, because that would mean it is coming from you, not the self.  Which is not self esteem. Self esteem is how you feel about yourself and you have to work on it yourself.  

I think the best you can do is let it be until she mentions it again.  And then ask her more open ended questions-- why do you say that?  what do you think you should do?  why do you think you feel this way?  And then you can talk it out.  Asking open questions can help her explore her feelings which may lead to the real cause and then you can offer to support her in a way that she wants.  

[Wonderstruck]

12 hours ago, jul-els said:

Women are obsessed with vanity in the same way men are obsessed with sex. They can’t help it, it’s just the way they’re wired.

Yikes.

 

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

I don't think women are all obsessed with looks.  To paint anyone, any gender, or group with a broad brush like that is laughable, immature and insulting.  

AGREED.

[left due to request]

we tend to over analyze our vanity than everyone around us.  It's only natural for anyone to go through what your wife is going through when one believe our 'normal' appearance has been hindered in some ways.  Amazingly time fixes everything.  Hair will grow back and sometimes you may even enjoy the change.

Many factors can be the contributor of your wife's situation.  One of the common reason could be a change in social aspect.  new job, important meeting, opportunity for public speaking, wedding, jealousy, etc... where she may believe that her appearance will play an important role in public eyes.

Could also be medications and  hormonal imbalance issue due to physical change or stress.  Give it some time and see if she improves.  Positive support and comments are the best you can do and avoid conflict if possible, for now. 

 

[jul-els]

2 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

Yikes.

 

AGREED.

I figured that one might bring out the pc police, lol. I spoke in a generality. Shame! Lol! Generalities have a general tendency to be true. Of course there are no absolutes. I also made the assumption that readers would be mature enough to know that.  Double shame! Double lol! 

[dias]

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I figured that one might bring out the pc police

 

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I also made the assumption that readers would be mature enough to know that.

Assumptions are forbidden on ENA mate, we only speak facts here. 

 

[boltnrun]

I'm not obsessed with vanity. I do prefer to be clean, neat and dressed appropriately for the occasion. And I do want to be attractive to my partner. None of that qualifies as an "obsession".

I have had some absolutely horrible haircuts. When I was in high school some hair cutter decided I needed what was basically a buzz cut (my hair ended up a half inch long all the way around, it was not a cute "pixie" cut). I did not ask for or want a buzz cut. I felt horrible until it started growing out a few weeks later. Again, not "obsessed" but it did affect me negatively. 

I can't speak for your wife, OP. But please understand her feelings and reaction are likely not directed at you but rather at how she feels about herself. I hope she feels better about it soon and is able to accept your support. 

Side note, do you tend to compliment her more about her appearance than any other attributes she has? 

[jul-els]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not obsessed with vanity. I do prefer to be clean, neat and dressed appropriately for the occasion. And I do want to be attractive to my partner. None of that qualifies as an "obsession".

I have had some absolutely horrible haircuts. When I was in high school some hair cutter decided I needed what was basically a buzz cut (my hair ended up a half inch long all the way around, it was not a cute "pixie" cut). I did not ask for or want a buzz cut. I felt horrible until it started growing out a few weeks later. Again, not "obsessed" but it did affect me negatively. 

I can't speak for your wife, OP. But please understand her feelings and reaction are likely not directed at you but rather at how she feels about herself. I hope she feels better about it soon and is able to accept your support. 

Side note, do you tend to compliment her more about her appearance than any other attributes she has? 

Ok, so change my wording from “obssesed” to “predisposed”. My choice of that word was probably not very concise. How horrible. Lol. 

[Cherylyn]

I've had bad haircuts.  No one wants to hear,  "It's only hair.  It will grow back."  ☹️

All you can do is make sure your wife receives your attention.  Praise her but don't over do it to the point of being weird.  Make her feel special.  I don't know if your wife likes snacks, candles and flowers.  Every wife is different.  I wouldn't like it if my husband gave me those items but that's just me.  Perhaps your wife likes those things?  I don't know.

I would compliment her but not too much.  When you compliment every now and then, it sounds sincere.  When you compliment excessively, it sounds pretentious. 

If I had low self esteem about my appearance, I would love to be taken out for dinner every now and then, have date nights, take walks together, receive a nice gift (not trinkets) even though it wasn't my birthday, anniversary nor Christmas.  When I was feeling blue or very down, my husband surprised me by leaving a gift for me somewhere in the house where I couldn't miss it.  I came home from a long day at work and he hadn't come home from work yet.  He left a beautiful handbag in a gift bag with gift tissue and ribbons on a chair which I had my eye on for the longest time in the past.  I felt very special because he remembered.  He hadn't forgotten!   

I agree with @boltnrunSincerely compliment her regarding her personality and characteristic traits.  Everyone loves that.  Also, her talents whether it's her cooking, crafts, hobbies, intellect, intelligent sense of humor, engaging discussions and the like.  My husband compliments me on my quilts which I love to sew, other sewn items, calligraphy, my penmanship, cake decorating and anything artistic since I love to create things with my hands.  

Always be an encouragement because this will help your wife feel secure and super loved!  🥰

[tattoobunnie]

On 1/14/2023 at 8:03 PM, Connectmotor said:

"I'm sorry I'm not pretty" 

Said by every person at some point in their lives.  Just tell her she's hot.