Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

 She followed though with a few favors that I had asked before help me pick up my car, do some grocery shopping for me.I invited her to a themed group dinner this weekend. She accepted.

Glad it's going well. It seems very kind of her to help you out like that.  Have fun at the theme dinner. Whether it's as friends or as trying to reignite something.

[Mick17]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh, Mick. 

You're going to learn the hard way that this messy, selfish woman isn't worth it. 

I think I've already come to that conclusion too 😕 

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I think I've already come to that conclusion too 😕 

The signs have been there quite a while, Mick. What is it you don't want to see? 

[Mick17]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The signs have been there quite a while, Mick. What is it you don't want to see? 

I'm not sure, it's almost cliché how we ignore the strongest warning signs. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mick17 said:

I think I've already come to that conclusion too 😕 

If you dislike or disrespect her or her past, why are you pursuing her or asking for assistance with your recovery? Are you torn on the issue?

[Mick17]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you dislike or disrespect her or her past, why are you pursuing her or asking for assistance with your recovery? Are you torn on the issue?

Yes, I'm torn. I don't disrespect her past but it bothers me. I enjoy our present conversations and her candidness, as well as other her qualities that attract me, but those aren't seemingly aligned with her checkered past. 

I've gotten to know her more over the weeks and she is a young, introspective, hurt, intelligent, conflicted, sincere, and preoccupied woman. I believe she means well but is emotionally unavailable. 

I still find myself attracted to her, but as to why, I can't quite put my finger on it, because it doesn't make sense. 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I still find myself attracted to her, but as to why, I can't quite put my finger on it, because it doesn't make sense. 

Messy people attract other messy people. Somebody else who has more integrity wouldnt put up with her flakiness as well as her stories about past affairs. You do from some reason. Its on you to discover why is that.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I invited her to a themed group dinner this weekend. She accepted the invite. I'm going to go into it without expectations of anything beyond just being friends. 

That sounds like tons of rationalizing on your part to convince yourself you're fine being just friends.  And how exactly is she being a friend anyway? You mean "friends" as in the settle for scraps just friends.  Not friendship to refer to two people who care about each other and are there for each other with thoughtfulness, respect and kindness.  

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Mick17 said:

she is a young, introspective, hurt, intelligent, conflicted, sincere, and preoccupied woman. I believe she means well but is emotionally unavailable. 

This is a woman who chose to have not one but TWO affairs with married men, the second of which destroyed her career. And THIS is how you describe her?

I think you believe her affairs actually raise her value for some reason. Like she's had these affairs because she's wildly popular and supremely irresistible and you want to be the guy who "got" the homecoming queen or something. Or you think she's some fragile vulnerable flower and you want to "save" her.

Either way, you're in for a world of hurt when she finds her next married man to have an illicit affair with. 

No one can stop you from willingly jumping into the volcano. Maybe you'll come through it with only minimum damage. 

[Batya33]

Why do you want to befriend a person you believe is emotionally unavailable?

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That sounds like tons of rationalizing on your part to convince yourself you're fine being just friends.

I agree. If you can't separate friendship from your attraction to her, you'll just be aggravated even more than you already are. And it will be your fault, not hers.

[Mick17]

Bolt, that’s some tough love advice coming out of your corner, and I’ll take it on the chin. I don’t buy the “value” hypothesis you’re spewing so you can let that one go. I do in fact respect myself and I’m just working through conflicting emotions.

For the other points, she and I are friends already, I think she genuinely cares for me in that regard. For romance however, I don’t think she’s ready at all to commit. Which is why I bring up emotional unavailability. I’m not settling for breadcrumbs.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

, she and I are friends already, I think she genuinely cares for me in that regard. For romance however, I don’t think she’s ready at all to commit. 

This seems correct. She views you as a friend, does kind things for you but doesn't want relationship drama right now. The only issue is being conflicted by your simultaneous attraction and scorn.

She's got her path and her past (which may not bother others as much as it disturbs you) and you have an attraction to someone who's only available for friendship at this time.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Bolt, that’s some tough love advice coming out of your corner, and I’ll take it on the chin. I don’t buy the “value” hypothesis you’re spewing so you can let that one go. I do in fact respect myself and I’m just working through conflicting emotions.

For the other points, she and I are friends already, I think she genuinely cares for me in that regard. For romance however, I don’t think she’s ready at all to commit. Which is why I bring up emotional unavailability. I’m not settling for breadcrumbs.

A true friend would not accept the benefits of your friendship knowing you wanted more. 

[Mick17]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A true friend would not accept the benefits of your friendship knowing you wanted more. 

We haven’t opened up this conversation yet. She may not know how I feel, just like I don’t know her thoughts. 

[boltnrun]

Guarantee she knows how you feel. Why else would you have initially have asked her out?

[lostandhurt]

Could you feel some sort of savoir or white night thing going on like you feel the need to save her?

I forget but is she really attractive?  The reason I ask is because I found myself putting up with way more than I ever should have and each time it was because the woman was extremely attractive.  

Be smart and don't invest to much in this person friend or otherwise.

 Lost

[Mick17]

I’m not sure, I don’t buy into the savior dynamic. I’m not her shrink or trying to help her heal from the past. 
 

I think she’s attractive, but not like in a distracting way. I wouldn’t let that cloud my judgment. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I’m not sure, I don’t buy into the savior dynamic. I’m not her shrink or trying to help her heal from the past. 
 

I think she’s attractive, but not like in a distracting way. I wouldn’t let that cloud my judgment. 

Of course she knows or assumes -she doesn't have to know your thoughts, she knows your actions.  The only reason you two are not dating anymore is because she didn't want to date you anymore.  

[Mick17]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course she knows or assumes -she doesn't have to know your thoughts, she knows your actions.  The only reason you two are not dating anymore is because she didn't want to date you anymore.  

I’m puzzled why she would get back in touch with me a few weeks ago. I played it cool and didn’t rush back into anything. Then the moment I start reciprocating, she backs off like a cat not wanting to be petted. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

I’m puzzled why she would get back in touch with me a few weeks ago. I played it cool and didn’t rush back into anything. Then the moment I start reciprocating, she backs off like a cat not wanting to be petted. 

Because she likes the attention, the flattery, keeping you on the hook as an option.  She's no friend to you. And as she's shown from recent past behavior she will prioritize her instant gratification over respect for others' relationships.

[boltnrun]

She knows how into her you are. She also is feeling sorry for herself because she was forced to end her affairs and lost her career as a result of her poor decision making. You are a fan and I'm betting it feels pretty good to her to know you're so into her.

However, she isn't really interested in a romantic relationship with you so she has to pull back in case you "get ideas". Plus, who knows if she has someone else on her radar. She certainly wouldn't share that with you.

I'm sorry you're entangling yourself into her mess because I bet you're a really decent guy who could find a wonderful, attractive, sassy and smart woman to date. But you can't as long as you're focusing on this woman. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I don’t think she’s ready at all to commit.

Who cares even if she is?

This woman is not relationship material. She has highly questionable morals and a pattern of bad behaviour. This is not someone who had an "oopsie", learned from it, and has improved themselves. 

This is a woman who has made bad choices over and over, and repeatedly acted in a hurtful, selfish manner. 

Make no mistake - that is exactly who she is.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry you're entangling yourself into her mess because I bet you're a really decent guy who could find a wonderful, attractive, sassy and smart woman to date. But you can't as long as you're focusing on this woman. 

I second this. I've had this exact impression from the very beginning when you started this thread.