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Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left


Mick17
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On 1/22/2023 at 5:02 PM, Mick17 said:

What should I make of that? Attraction is a strange concept that's hard to understand and it's hard to regain. Am I "damaged goods" in her eyes because I know too much?

Don't make anything of it. Either she comes around or she doesn't right?  If you have to jump through hoops to make her like you then do you really want to be with her?  I think not.

 Be yourself, play it cool but interested and let nature take its course.

 You really need to stop trying to control how she feels or thinks, just worry about what you do and let her decide.  If she is ready to be in a relationship or not, what she is thinking or feeling is all guess work by anyone but her so lets just let he show you where she is at in all this and then you decide if you want to continue seeing her.

Remember this is all new to her.  It sounds like you are the first guy she has dated since all that transpired so she is learning how to cope with it all. 

Lost

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Again, you didn't start the discussion, she did. You couldn't exactly tell her to shut up about it. Perhaps you felt it would be cathartic for her to let it out. You didn't sit her down and interrogate her.

If she even attempts to assign you any "blame" for her choosing to spill her guts that tells you the kind of person she is. If she keeps making choices and then regretting them afterward that just shows you she has poor impulse control.

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On 1/9/2023 at 1:48 AM, Mick17 said:

How’s it going. I’m going thru another head scratcher this time regarding a person I have been talking to and dating for a few weeks. 
 

We were on a third date at my house for dinner and drinks and the topic of careers comes up. We had good interactions to to that point including some physical intimacy like kissing. She reveals that she has had some difficulty in the past with work. We’re both in the military. She was involved with an affair with a married coworker and when it was discovered, she and him were removed from the workplace and disciplined. For her that meant a hold of promotion indefinitely.

Fast forward to now, she has been attending therapy and implies that she’s struggling with dealing with the past. Lack of promotion and guilt of getting involved with an affair has had a negative effect in her life. She feels better now since it’s been over half a year since the event and aftermath, but still is jaded about what happened and is waiting to get out processed from the service (because of the lack of promotion). 
 

After sharing all this information to me, I noticed she became much cooler in demeanor and suddenly expressed how she should leave. She quickly got up and made her way out of my apartment and back to her car, leaving me bewildered and wondering where I might have gone wrong. I feel like I should have reeled in the conversation before she shared too much. I did express to her that she should only share as much as she is comfortable with.

I did not hear from her after that and I haven’t reached out to ask if she’s okay. I’m worried that by over sharing a traumatic event in her past, she became overwhelmed and didn’t want to show that in front of me, and so she left. 
 

Is it best to let this one lie for now and give her some space before trying to make contact again? 

She might feel embarased. May be just call her for another date make her feel safe 

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1 hour ago, Notanautobot said:

She might feel embarased. May be just call her for another date make her feel safe 

We went on more dates after this first conversation. The follow-up is that she still feels unsure about me due to my knowledge of her past issues, and how the convo gave her a panic attack 

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6 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I just feel like I rushed things by having this conversation so soon.

But you're not the one who brought it up. You were talking about careers. She volunteered the information knowing that you would find out sooner or later.

6 hours ago, Mick17 said:

People do have panic attacks at work, while deployed, along with all sorts of other reactions. It's why we have resilience coordinators and mental health professionals available.

The question was really, how often do you see people literally walking off the job? But don't bother answering that--its irrelevant. It's just a rhetorical question to emphasize the inappropriateness of that action.

I get that you want to defend her, but I think you should resist normalizing the situation. Let more time pass--a lot more--before drawing a conclusion about what is actually going on.

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On 1/24/2023 at 7:36 AM, lostandhurt said:

Be yourself, play it cool but interested and let nature take its course.

 

Remember this is all new to her.  It sounds like you are the first guy she has dated since all that transpired so she is learning how to cope with it all. 

What does cool but interested look like? I plan to reach out a few days after she returns home, if she doesn’t reach out first. Just something simple like “Hi, how was your trip?”

She has gone on a few dates between her breakup and me. Nothing that lasted long from what I could tell however. 

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Just now, Mick17 said:

What does cool but interested look like? I plan to reach out a few days after she returns home, if she doesn’t reach out first. Just something simple like “Hi, how was your trip?”

She has gone on a few dates between her breakup and me. Nothing that lasted long from what I could tell however. 

If you promised her to contact her after her  trip, then reach out (meaning yes of course keep your promise)-otherwise leave ball in her court and if she (dares) to question why you didn't message first say you weren't sure if she'd decided to extend her trip plus you figured based on your last conversation giving space was the most thoughtful approach.

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you promised her to contact her after her  trip, then reach out (meaning yes of course keep your promise)-otherwise leave ball in her court and if she (dares) to question why you didn't message first say you weren't sure if she'd decided to extend her trip plus you figured based on your last conversation giving space was the most thoughtful approach.

I asked it was okay to stay in touch during her trip to which she responded with “sure but I’ll be off the grid in the mountains”. It seems a bit odd to say that because she has been active on social media, just less than usual.
 

I didn’t specifically promise to contact her after the trip but I did ask if I could see her after she returned, which she said yes. 

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15 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I asked it was okay to stay in touch during her trip to which she responded with “sure but I’ll be off the grid in the mountains”. It seems a bit odd to say that because she has been active on social media, just less than usual.
 

I didn’t specifically promise to contact her after the trip but I did ask if I could see her after she returned, which she said yes. 

OK so then after the trip I'd call her and say "hi -welcome back - I'd love to get together -when are you free?" -cut to the chase -no testing or feeling things out.  Her off the grid should be elongated to "off the grid with you" - yes -she is happy to be on the grid as she chooses and wanted off the grid with you for now while leaving open the option of seeing you when she returns.  So assume the best -she wants to see you after -and expect the worst - a nonresponse or excuse.  But call her - be direct, cut to the chase.

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I hate to say it this way but for some people it is like walking up to a deer. You don't just rush right up to them or they will bolt.  She is obviously dealing with her own stuff so let her but also let her know you are interested in her still.  Playing it cool is not over doing anything.  I would wait to contact her until after her return if she doesn't contact you first.  "Hey ________, I haven't heard from you in a while have you returned from your trip?"   If she replies then tell her you would like to get together to hear all about it.

 In the mean time you should stay busy and keep your actively dating or looking at least.

Lost

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12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I hate to say it this way but for some people it is like walking up to a deer. You don't just rush right up to them or they will bolt.  She is obviously dealing with her own stuff so let her but also let her know you are interested in her still.  Playing it cool is not over doing anything.  I would wait to contact her until after her return if she doesn't contact you first.  "Hey ________, I haven't heard from you in a while have you returned from your trip?"   If she replies then tell her you would like to get together to hear all about it.

 In the mean time you should stay busy and keep your actively dating or looking at least.

Lost

I gotcha. Yeah I'm still on the apps and talking to a couple other people now too, but taking things slowly just one day at a time. I still feel closer to her and want to see if things progress, after all we have met multiple times and know a bit about each other. I'll have to see what happens this week after she returns from her trip. I know she'll be back on Monday. 

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

OK so then after the trip I'd call her and say "hi -welcome back - I'd love to get together -when are you free?" -cut to the chase -no testing or feeling things out.  Her off the grid should be elongated to "off the grid with you" - yes -she is happy to be on the grid as she chooses and wanted off the grid with you for now while leaving open the option of seeing you when she returns.  So assume the best -she wants to see you after -and expect the worst - a nonresponse or excuse.  But call her - be direct, cut to the chase.

Seems a bit too direct? Is there a reason to not feel things out first? 

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2 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Seems a bit too direct? Is there a reason to not feel things out first? 

Yes -she knows you're interested in seeing her again.  Feeling things out will just belabor the point and make you seem needy/unsure of yourself.  You already asked her if she'd like to see you when she is back.  She said yes.  So you're calling to make the actual plan you discussed a few weeks ago. You two have done enough dancing around/feeling things out talking about "space" etc for a very short relationship so show her at this point she'd had her space.  Is she in or out. If -gasp- agreeing to meet up for a date makes her bolt that's your answer.

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You two have done enough dancing around/feeling things out talking about "space" etc for a very short relationship so show her at this point she'd had her space.  Is she in or out. If -gasp- agreeing to meet up for a date makes her bolt that's your answer.

I see. It's just usually that I would keep things going via text over a period before cold calling someone. Maybe it's our younger generational thing, like to break the silence with a simple text. I'm gonna wait till she returns home before reaching out regardless. 

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24 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I see. It's just usually that I would keep things going via text over a period before cold calling someone. Maybe it's our younger generational thing, like to break the silence with a simple text. I'm gonna wait till she returns home before reaching out regardless. 

I get it - and agree with Bolt.  This should not be breaking a silence.  If you believe she's a person of integrity she told you she'd be up for seeing you when she got back.  You are following up to make that plan. Yes -if she were a new person or if you hadn't been in touch for a year after a break up or a fade-out then yes out of the blue call is different.

I'm old. 56.  So these days if I meet a new person online and we plan to meet (I mean platonically!) - I will call only if we have a specific time to call.  Otherwise if we exchange numbers I will text first to make sure it's a good time to talk.  I'm not a fan of getting to know someone you're dating via texting though.  Especially in your situation where she's particularly sensitive/easily triggered.  If you asking to make a plan to see her is going to trigger her or feel like a "cold call" then there's no reason to see her again.  She should be over the moon about seeing you and have missed you while on her trip.

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34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I get it - and agree with Bolt.  This should not be breaking a silence.  If you believe she's a person of integrity she told you she'd be up for seeing you when she got back.  You are following up to make that plan. Yes -if she were a new person or if you hadn't been in touch for a year after a break up or a fade-out then yes out of the blue call is different.

You're right, it shouldn't be unexpected for me to call. The thing is that we're not communicating right now. No back and forth texting. The last in person conversation we had just left me feeling really off, like the momentum was stopped again, and that she was soft-rejecting me. Which is why I decided to leave her be for the trip and not reach out with the usual pleasantries, to help provide the space that we might need. 

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15 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

You're right, it shouldn't be unexpected for me to call. The thing is that we're not communicating right now. No back and forth texting. The last in person conversation we had just left me feeling really off, like the momentum was stopped again, and that she was soft-rejecting me. Which is why I decided to leave her be for the trip and not reach out with the usual pleasantries, to help provide the space that we might need. 

That was smart and now I'd be back to business -you've been out several times, she's a big girl, time to um crap or get off the pot so to speak.  You will then know where you stand.  

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I've reached out with a simple welcome back message and asked if she was free sometime this week to meet up, would love to hear about your trip, etc. That was two days ago and haven't gotten a response. She's active on social media and home from what I can tell. At this point, I can feel the attraction waning even on my side. I did not try calling or messaging again. If she wants to reach out whenever she is ready, then I am open to talking. I am not going to spend any more energy worrying about what could have been. 

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I'm sorry but I'm also glad you have your answer. Also I'm fine with silence =lack of interest but not after the number of dates and personal conversations you two had and especially since she knows you can see her social media activity -it would have been thoughtful and courteous to respond with a simple "thanks so much and I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again.  Take care."  Her silence is rude.  You're better off without her and I'm glad you're moving on!

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5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry but I'm also glad you have your answer. Also I'm fine with silence =lack of interest but not after the number of dates and personal conversations you two had and especially since she knows you can see her social media activity -it would have been thoughtful and courteous to respond with a simple "thanks so much and I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again.  Take care."  Her silence is rude.  You're better off without her and I'm glad you're moving on!

Yes. I'm really disappointed in her lack of communication, even just a simple "thanks but no thanks" like you had wrote would go a long way. Could be that she's not ready to respond yet, but I'm not going to let my well-being hinge on that moment. 

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