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Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left


Mick17
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It is too much. And I presume she just doesn't want to be around anyone connected to that world. It would be extremely difficult to start and maintain a relationship with the man who holds the job the man she had an affair with that caused her to lose her career used to hold, also while knowing everyone you work with knows and would probably bring it up. 

In that case I would want a fresh start with a clean slate.

This is likely a no go. I would take her lack of response as an indication she doesn't want to continue dating you.

It sucks but as they say, there are other fish in the sea. 

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also when it's this complicated it can be "fine" initially and then not fine. 

It happens and it's risky when it's this complicated from the beginning.  I think your situation is too close for comfort for her. 

Thank you for sharing your story. That's a tough one too. I think we get too caught up in the newness of a relationship that we ignore or justify obvious red flags. I have some work to do on my own too. 

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6 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Thank you for sharing your story. That's a tough one too. I think we get too caught up in the newness of a relationship that we ignore or justify obvious red flags. I have some work to do on my own too. 

I’m sorry you’re in this awkward and intense situation.  

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Thanks again y'all for the thoughtful insight. She responded to my text today. In short, she was uncomfortable when she left. She expected the conversation to happen at some point but not as early as it did on our date. She was surprised at the depth of it and how quickly it came up, and felt unprepared to talk about everything. She would like to see me again, too. 

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7 hours ago, Mick17 said:

Thanks again y'all for the thoughtful insight. She responded to my text today. In short, she was uncomfortable when she left. She expected the conversation to happen at some point but not as early as it did on our date. She was surprised at the depth of it and how quickly it came up, and felt unprepared to talk about everything. She would like to see me again, too. 

Enjoy your time with her and know that she may leave abruptly if she feels unprepared to discuss a sensitive topic. At least you know and you know this early on.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello, this is a follow up to the same topic.

I ended up meeting with her a few times since that dinner date where she walked out on me, when we had an in-depth conversation about her past. We got back in touch over text and call. I could sense a little more distance between us and more wary on her side. We went on a few different dates like gym and coffee again. Last night we went out for dinner, drinks, and a concert in town. Things went well. Good conversations all around and a feeling of attraction that had returned to us. We enjoyed the music and walked around a bit afterwards.

After the concert we got back to her place where I had parked. I asked to chill there for a bit so I could be okay to drive. We enjoyed playing with her cat and I helped clean up the place a little bit. She then said something like “I wanted to mention why I’m being kinda weird about the physical stuff” referring to the gestures we’ve been doing like kissing. We sat on the floor and talked. She described how she was not sure how she felt about me after that awkward conversation, how it was weird that I knew her past before we even met, and how I also know about the guy she was involved with last time (since he was my predecessor in the job). She said she needed time to make sense of it.

I felt bad that I asked so many questions during that first conversation. In retrospect I should have deferred it since it was only the 3rd date. She said the past would eventually come up. She would welcome such a conversation, but when she was more prepared to talk about it, at her own pace, and after we had known each other for more time. Sounds reasonable

She said she wanted to forget about that conversation with me; it caused her to have a panic attack in the moment which caused her to walk out. I asked her what she wants to do moving forward, and she said, “take it slow”. She’s going on a trip in the coming week and won’t be in touch much. I think it’s a good opportunity to just let her be and for me to not worry about what happened. Put some time between that event and the present. I asked if I could see her again after she returned and she said yes.

Is she trying to let me down easily, or is there an opportunity for building more of a relationship in the future? Has her attraction to me gone away after that conversation? Can it be brought back? We continued to go on dates after that, the mood was more muted. She did say the last few dates were “promising” in that things were lighthearted and fun, which is why she felt fine going with me to dinner/concert last night. But this recent talk has got me more confused than relieved.

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I think she is uncertain about whether she wants to continue dating you.  I'm assuming you are just as interested in her as you were when you first posted so I'd give her twice the space she seems to need -no contact when she is away.  When you contact her when she is back simply ask her out.  And then you will know.  i'm sorry if you're stressed about this -I would be as well.

Also under the circumstances I'd stay sober on future dates.

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15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she is uncertain about whether she wants to continue dating you.  I'm assuming you are just as interested in her as you were when you first posted so I'd give her twice the space she seems to need -no contact when she is away.  When you contact her when she is back simply ask her out.  And then you will know.  i'm sorry if you're stressed about this -I would be as well.

Also under the circumstances I'd stay sober on future dates.

Yes I’m still interested in her. I took it that she was still interested too when we continued to go on dates. 

It’s frustrating because we seemed to be on a good track to more interactions, but the past convo is like the elephant in the room now. It’s like by knowing so much about her, I’m already tainted 

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3 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Yes I’m still interested in her. I took it that she was still interested too when we continued to go on dates. 

It’s frustrating because we seemed to be on a good track to more interactions, but the past convo is like the elephant in the room now. It’s like by knowing so much about her, I’m already tainted 

Yes -she now sees you as a person tied to the past she is trying to move past.  She was interested in going on dates with you and likely still is but doesn't see it going anywhere because being with you reminds her of this past.  But see if she contacts you when she's back -let her have her space -twice the space -let her miss you a bit and balance whether she can deal with your connection to her past because she likes you a lot.  

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -she now sees you as a person tied to the past she is trying to move past.  She was interested in going on dates with you and likely still is but doesn't see it going anywhere because being with you reminds her of this past.

It’s unfortunate because I did nothing wrong. I think the only thing that can mend this reminder of her past is more time. 
 

I keep replaying in my head if I had simply not asked her those questions during that dinner, I would be better off. Or just not knowing at all 

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4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

It’s unfortunate because I did nothing wrong. I think the only thing that can mend this reminder of her past is more time. 
 

I keep replaying in my head if I had simply not asked her those questions during that dinner, I would be better off. Or just not knowing at all 

Oh I disagree.  It would have come up sooner or later, right?  You did nothing wrong.  Not all people are meant to be together!

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I disagree.  It would have come up sooner or later, right?  You did nothing wrong.  Not all people are meant to be together!

Oh yes, she mentioned she was willing to have the topic come up, but not as early and completely as it did with me.  She wanted to share it at her own pace in the right way 

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4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Oh yes, she mentioned she was willing to have the topic come up, but not as early and completely as it did with me.  She wanted to share it at her own pace in the right way 

Yes I get it -but you know - the course of true love doesn't run smooth and .... you can't always control when personal stuff comes up right? And in this situation I mean is there really a "right way" as opposed to a "less flawed way?"

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I get it -but you know - the course of true love doesn't run smooth and .... you can't always control when personal stuff comes up right? And in this situation I mean is there really a "right way" as opposed to a "less flawed way?"

That’s a good point. Tough conversations are gonna be unpleasant no matter what. I think I handled it well the first time, and with this last talk I knew asking more questions was not going to improve her outlook, so I departed when we were done. 

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Isn't she the one who brought it up? And now she's upset because it was discussed "too soon"? What were you supposed to do, tell her to shut up or that you didn't want to hear about it? And then she'd blame you for judging her or for not allowing her to express herself?

Her past actions have left you with no way to win in this situation.

I presume she's feeling self hatred and as a result is lashing out.

BTW, my ex used to treat me with contempt partly because he couldn't believe anyone would be stupid enough to love him. He hates himself so he thinks everyone else should too. 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Isn't she the one who brought it up? And now she's upset because it was discussed "too soon"? What were you supposed to do, tell her to shut up or that you didn't want to hear about it? And then she'd blame you for judging her or for not allowing her to express herself?

Her past actions have left you with no way to win in this situation.

I presume she's feeling self hatred and as a result is lashing out.

She brought it up after we got on the subject. No, I wasn’t going to stop her,  it was just one of those things that had to come out. I think she just imagined it would happen down the line like a few more dates later. But like Batya said, there’s no right way to have it, just the least-messy way. 
 

I sensed some self-pity in her mood too, from past regrets. There is no winning in this situation, just morose realizations 

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4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

She brought it up after we got on the subject. No, I wasn’t going to stop her,  it was just one of those things that had to come out. I think she just imagined it would happen down the line like a few more dates later. But like Batya said, there’s no right way to have it, just the least-messy way. 
 

I sensed some self-pity in her mood too, from past regrets. There is no winning in this situation, just morose realizations 

You seem like a very thoughtful, kind and caring person.  I'm sorry you're having all these difficulties with this person!!

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I presume there are notes in her military record regarding the adultery and why she's not eligible for promotion. If she had planned the military to be her lifelong career or at least planned to do the 20 years to get her pension it has to be disheartening to know that it's all gone now due to bad choices she made (not "mistakes"). She basically has to start over. And she might be afraid any potential employers might wonder why she left the military and ask her probing questions. Not a good feeling.

She's right that she needs time to deal with all of this. Starting a new relationship should be at the bottom of her list of priorities no matter how badly you might want her. 

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume there are notes in her military record regarding the adultery and why she's not eligible for promotion. If she had planned the military to be her lifelong career or at least planned to do the 20 years to get her pension it has to be disheartening to know that it's all gone now due to bad choices she made (not "mistakes"). She basically has to start over. And she might be afraid any potential employers might wonder why she left the military and ask her probing questions. Not a good feeling.

She's right that she needs time to deal with all of this. Starting a new relationship should be at the bottom of her list of priorities no matter how badly you might want her. 

The specifics of the NJP may not be disclosed beyond the command she was at during the period. But yes, the ineligibility for promotion is certainly visible. 
 

I’m sad that you’re probably right about her not being ready to be in a relationship. Dating, yes, but not in a good space for a committed relationship. Of course, I hope things work out after giving her some time to breathe and reflect. And that she doesn’t just hop to another guy who is blissfully unaware of her situation. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You seem like a very thoughtful, kind and caring person.  I'm sorry you're having all these difficulties with this person!!

Thank you. I try to stay positive and see the best in everyone. 

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10 hours ago, Mick17 said:

Thank you. I try to stay positive and see the best in everyone. 

I think you can see the best in this woman AND decide this is not for you as a romantic relationship.  I dated two men who revealed huge issues early on (in 2003 and in 2005) -one was a recovering drug and alcohol addict and one had an ex girlfriend in her third trimester with his baby.

  I dated the addict for a month before realizing it was a dealbreaker - he was honest that he couldn't promise he wouldn't relapse- he'd been sober a year and was in AA and I knew that situation was not for me- and I dated the other guy until shortly after the baby was born when I realized that situation and how it was unfolding was not for me. 

With both men I saw the best in them -Iwas so impressed with what the recovering addict had done with his life and he was so intelligent and so determined and with the second I saw how he was trying to do the right thing and was going to make a wonderful dad (and he did- we're in touch and she is 19 and a fabulous person from all I can tell).  But knowing that and being "positive" I also knew I didn't want to sign up for either of those situations.  

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You are looking at this from the perspective of "how can I fix this" when there is nothing within your power to fix.  Sometimes the  solution is to not try and fix anything but accept it on face value.

 She is obviously interested since even after that convo and awkward exit she went on dates with you so take that for what it is just like her saying she wants to see you when she returns.

 If you are okay with who she is now then simply treat her like the person you see, not the person she was I think there is a good chance she will relax and let her guard down little by little. 

 In the end she needs to forgive herself and live her life once again.

Good luck and keep us posted

Lost

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18 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I think the only thing that can mend this reminder of her past is more time. 

I don't think that you should take on the responsibility of helping her mend. But I do think that backing off a little bit will be good for both of you. You are moving faster than she is, and that can work against you. I think you should give her the space she's asking for and let her reach out to you when she returns from her vacation.

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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

She is obviously interested since even after that convo and awkward exit she went on dates with you so take that for what it is just like her saying she wants to see you when she returns.

If you are okay with who she is now then simply treat her like the person you see, not the person she was I think there is a good chance she will relax and let her guard down little by little. 

 In the end she needs to forgive herself and live her life once again.

Thanks lost. Yes, she did agree on more dates after that convo. Partly because each one seemed promising because they were lighthearted and enjoyable. Then she brings up the serious conversation again. This time she's thought more about what it meant and it seemed like she was almost blaming me for bringing up the past. Said I gave her a panic attack which is why she left so quickly. That it didn't allow time to develop a real rapport/attraction before jumping into hard-to-talk-about stuff. And most unsettlingly, she said that she had really liked me up until that convo where she walked out, as if our budding romance was halted at the 3rd date. That part resonated because it seems like she lost the attraction right then and there. 

What should I make of that? Attraction is a strange concept that's hard to understand and it's hard to regain. Am I "damaged goods" in her eyes because I know too much?

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