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Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left


Mick17
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How’s it going. I’m going thru another head scratcher this time regarding a person I have been talking to and dating for a few weeks. 
 

We were on a third date at my house for dinner and drinks and the topic of careers comes up. We had good interactions to to that point including some physical intimacy like kissing. She reveals that she has had some difficulty in the past with work. We’re both in the military. She was involved with an affair with a married coworker and when it was discovered, she and him were removed from the workplace and disciplined. For her that meant a hold of promotion indefinitely.

Fast forward to now, she has been attending therapy and implies that she’s struggling with dealing with the past. Lack of promotion and guilt of getting involved with an affair has had a negative effect in her life. She feels better now since it’s been over half a year since the event and aftermath, but still is jaded about what happened and is waiting to get out processed from the service (because of the lack of promotion). 
 

After sharing all this information to me, I noticed she became much cooler in demeanor and suddenly expressed how she should leave. She quickly got up and made her way out of my apartment and back to her car, leaving me bewildered and wondering where I might have gone wrong. I feel like I should have reeled in the conversation before she shared too much. I did express to her that she should only share as much as she is comfortable with.

I did not hear from her after that and I haven’t reached out to ask if she’s okay. I’m worried that by over sharing a traumatic event in her past, she became overwhelmed and didn’t want to show that in front of me, and so she left. 
 

Is it best to let this one lie for now and give her some space before trying to make contact again? 

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23 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

 I haven’t reached out to ask if she’s okay. 

If you are still interested, you could just ask her out again. If there's hesitation, perhaps she's not ready to date.

Maybe she provided TMI, but you can still ask her out and not bring it up.  You don't need to ask her if she's ok. That's her responsibility. Just reach out and see if she wants to get together again.

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She might be feeling overwhelmed from the oversharing.  Is it possible she realized you might know the people involved? Also this happened very recently -and it sounds like she feels badly about the consequences more than badly about her actions.  How do you feel about the choices she made in the recent past?

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Adulterers have different perception about things from regular people. She most likely knew you would at least found out about her affairs in the future as it was very public one. So she tested to see how you would react to the news. As you probably werent all supportive and shocked about it, she just left. And that is OK. You most likely dodged a huge bullet there.

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are still interested, you could just ask her out again. If there's hesitation, perhaps she's not ready to date.

Maybe she provided TMI, but you can still ask her out and not bring it up.  You don't need to ask her if she's ok. That's her responsibility. Just reach out and see if she wants to get together again.

I am still interested, but I feel like I should let her make the next move in getting back in touch. Maybe a few days of space and see if she reaches out. Does that seem like a good idea? 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible she realized you might know the people involved? Also this happened very recently -and it sounds like she feels badly about the consequences more than badly about her actions.  How do you feel about the choices she made in the recent past?

It came out in conversation that I know indirectly the people involved. It’s a small world in the service. One of the men she was involved with held my current job a few years ago and I know the name. They split up in May of last year so it’s been about 7 months.
 

As for her choices, I felt like she made mistakes in deciding to get involved with a married man and the steps leading up to that. She went through with those decisions knowingly. I felt she was telling the truth however and did feel remorse for both the action and the consequences. I’m not sure which one she felt more badly about though.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

She most likely knew you would at least found out about her affairs in the future as it was very public one. So she tested to see how you would react to the news. As you probably werent all supportive and shocked about it, she just left.

Yes she said something along the lines of “I should probably be honest with you about my past since it’s likely to come up sooner rather than later”. Knowing that she was about to share something important, I calmly listened and asked questions as the facts came up, but I was careful not to cast blame or call in question her actions. I feel like she was willing to share a lot. At one point she was describing the person she had an affair with and I had to honest and say that I know of that person, that I wasn’t trying to play dumb about it. 

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If this info and knowing who the guy was doesn't bother you.  (I'm not saying it should or shouldn't  That's up to you.) Then I would ask her out and see how she is.  She may have felt shame once she put the info out there and assumed you were not interested any more.   

If she goes on another date with you, great.  Just have fun.  If you get the chance or it comes up again, you can let her know you don't judge her for her past, but for who she is now.  

Everyone has something in their past that they regret -- that is a given, but did they learn from it?  that's the bigger thing.  

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14 minutes ago, Lambert said:

If this info and knowing who the guy was doesn't bother you.  (I'm not saying it should or shouldn't  That's up to you.) Then I would ask her out and see how she is.  She may have felt shame once she put the info out there and assumed you were not interested any more.   

The only thing that bothers me is that she knowingly got involved with a married man and evidently enjoyed his company. 

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9 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

The only thing that bothers me is that she knowingly got involved with a married man and evidently enjoyed his company. 

That would bother me too.  I think she got overwhelmed, realized you know of him and that she'd overshared/felt uncomfortable.  Do you believe she would be loyal in a committed relationship?

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14 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

The only thing that bothers me is that she knowingly got involved with a married man and evidently enjoyed his company. 

I think this is a valid red flag.  Maybe you should just move on.  How much to do you like this girl?  Is it worth a conversation?

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31 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It is not about you, it is how she feels about herself . 

Exactly.

 She threw it all out there but was really uncomfortable about it so she left is my guess.

Don't try and be her therapist just be the guy she is dating.  Waiting to get a hold of her is probably making her think you don't want to date her any longer because of her past.  Call or text her and ask her out to dinner (in a restaurant) and see what she says.  Don't bring up her past or ask if she is okay or talk about her abrupt departure just have fun and leave her past where it belongs.

  Lost

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you believe she would be loyal in a committed relationship?

It’s anybody’s guess. But based on her emotions and description of the past, I think she is telling the truth when she says she wants to be in a committed relationship and leave the past behind. 

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14 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think this is a valid red flag.  Maybe you should just move on.  How much to do you like this girl?  Is it worth a conversation?

I like her a lot. I think she is worth getting to know more. The only obstacle to that is if she is not emotionally ready to date again.

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1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

It’s anybody’s guess. But based on her emotions and description of the past, I think she is telling the truth when she says she wants to be in a committed relationship and leave the past behind. 

Well no it's not -you have to make an educated guess about whether her words match her actions. She can't leave the past behind so to speak -she acted unethically and unprofessionally.  So if she really wants to change she has to evaluate what she did and figure out why it happened and how she is going to assure it never happens again -that she never makes that choice again.  She has said none of that.  There are no guarantees but going into a potentially serious relationship thinking it's anyone's guess as to your partner's values -I am astonished that would be your personal standard.

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5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Don't try and be her therapist just be the guy she is dating.

Thanks Lost. It’s funny you mention that. Right as we started talking about her counseling, she asked if she should continue, and I said yes, as long as you don’t make me your therapist. I continued to listen because it was obviously heavy on her mind. 
 

I’ll reach out to her in a day after things calm down a little. It’s her birthday this Thursday and I would like to give her the small gift I bought. 

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4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I like her a lot. I think she is worth getting to know more. The only obstacle to that is if she is not emotionally ready to date again.

She seems emotionally ready to date -she wants to date and going on dates is something she's now done with you a couple of times.  You have to figure out if she is committed to using her head and heart to refrain from behaving inappropriately and unprofessionally -certainly you also don't need someone who will get in her own way of having a successful career or holding down a job?

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no it's not -you have to make an educated guess about whether her words match her actions.

You’re right. I don’t leave these things to chance and I value intuition. Actions will come over time so I think I was trying to say that only time will tell if she is to be committed. She seemed contrite about being in the affair and not willing to repeat it. 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have to figure out if she is committed to using her head and heart to refrain from behaving inappropriately and unprofessionally -certainly you also don't need someone who will get in her own way of having a successful career or holding down a job?

Unfortunately her military career is all but over due to the non-promotion. In any other work environment, she wouldn’t have been subjected to such scrutiny.
 

She has expressed that she wants to seek gov’t employment soon and transition to a new career, either where I am locally or back at her home. 

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7 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

You’re right. I don’t leave these things to chance and I value intuition. Actions will come over time so I think I was trying to say that only time will tell if she is to be committed. She seemed contrite about being in the affair and not willing to repeat it. 

But you don't need time in this situation.  She's shared with you how she recently acted unprofessionally and inappropriately.  You don't need to go on "seems" in this situation.  You don't even need to go on intuition -she shared her dirty laundry with you -it's all out there on the surface.

She may be contrite but may choose not to act differently or justify it.  She may be contrite because she got caught.  Ask her what changes she plans to make if she finds herself attracted to a man who is married or attracted to someone else if you and she were to get serious.  See how she reacts to this question -tell her your concern is this happened very recently and she left your house after sharing it so you can tell it's a very current and intense situation for her.

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2 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Unfortunately her military career is all but over due to the non-promotion. In any other work environment, she wouldn’t have been subjected to such scrutiny.
 

She has expressed that she wants to seek gov’t employment soon and transition to a new career, either where I am locally or back at her home. 

That's not true actually but all that means is she won't suffer as severe consequences -but she is a person who chose to act unprofessionally at work.  And what are her chances of obtaining government employment given her background?

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17 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I'll reach out to her in a day after things calm down a little. It’s her birthday this Thursday and I would like to give her the small gift I bought. 

Good idea. Let the dust settle and carry on by doing something for her birthday. As she mentioned, she would rather tell you herself,  than you hearing it through the grapevine. She did that, its off her chest, so just keep enjoying and getting to know each other.

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