Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she may have "lost face" in that she felt overexposed. If she distances herself from you, perhaps in her mind she is distancing from that event and the conversation about it.

I agree.  I think, unfortunately, you are a constant reminder of all she lost when she chose to have the affair.  It's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.  She just looks at you and sees everything she gave up.  Especially since you are in the military and she can't be anymore.

[Mick17]

On 2/4/2023 at 3:20 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she may have "lost face" in that she felt overexposed. If she distances herself from you, perhaps in her mind she is distancing from that event and the conversation about it.

I think that is very likely. She even said she wanted to forget about that conversation. The drop off of all communication has got be confused and hurt however. I am considering sending one more message to her. Something to convey that I was surprised that she stopped communicating with me, because it seemed like we would stay in touch after her trip. That I’m not holding any negative feelings about this. 

[Mick17]

On 2/4/2023 at 6:42 AM, boltnrun said:

I agree.  I think, unfortunately, you are a constant reminder of all she lost when she chose to have the affair.  It's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.  She just looks at you and sees everything she gave up.  Especially since you are in the military and she can't be anymore.

That’s spot on and probably what is going thru her mind. It’s an unfortunate situation all around. I hope she gets the help and solace that she needs. 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't reach out and beg for her to see or talk to you (which, no matter how you word it, that's how it's going to come across). 

She knows how to get ahold of you. She knows you're into her. She's just choosing a different path. Even if it's not the path you want her to choose you have to respect her right to make that choice.

You seem like a decent guy. There's a woman out there who would absolutely love to meet a guy like you. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I am considering sending one more message to her. Something to convey that I was surprised that she stopped communicating with me, because it seemed like we would stay in touch after her trip. That I’m not holding any negative feelings about this. 

I wouldn't bother. 

She knows where you are and how to contact you. It hurts, but the writing is on the wall here. If she'd wanted to continue with you, she'd have been in touch by now. Her silence is your clue that she doesn't wish to continue. 

You will find someone else who is nuts about you and in a place to offer you a relationship. This woman isn't her. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I think that is very likely. She even said she wanted to forget about that conversation. The drop off of all communication has got be confused and hurt however. I am considering sending one more message to her. Something to convey that I was surprised that she stopped communicating with me, because it seemed like we would stay in touch after her trip. That I’m not holding any negative feelings about this. 

I wouldn't.  She's doing the same thing again that she did earlier -she runs away instead of communicating and this time she did it rudely.  (Last time I'd cut her slack given the vulnerability/fragility).  There's nothing to convey. Her silence conveys all you need to know and she knows you're extremely interested in dating her.  

[Mick17]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

There's nothing to convey. Her silence conveys all you need to know and she knows you're extremely interested in dating her.  

I’m not actually interested in dating her at all by now. All this has made me exhausted and I quickly let go of the idea of dating her over the past few weeks. 
 

What does concern me is if we’re in some sort of ambiguous loop where neither knows how we feel, which reaching out might help break. The last message I sent went unread so I’m not even sure if she saw it. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

I’m not actually interested in dating her at all by now. All this has made me exhausted and I quickly let go of the idea of dating her over the past few weeks. 
 

What does concern me is if we’re in some sort of ambiguous loop where neither knows how we feel, which reaching out might help break. The last message I sent went unread so I’m not even sure if she saw it. 

No concern-she created the situation, the drama, the ambiguity.  Not you.  I'd have zero concern and assume silence=no interest in seeing you again and leave it.

[Mick17]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No concern-she created the situation, the drama, the ambiguity.  Not you.  I'd have zero concern and assume silence=no interest in seeing you again and leave it.

Thanks, it just sucks. I’ve been broken up before, from actual long term relationships, and bounced back of course. Maybe even maintained a tenuous friendship after. But I’ve never been ghosted like this. It’s really messing with my head how someone can do that. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Thanks, it just sucks. I’ve been broken up before, from actual long term relationships, and bounced back of course. Maybe even maintained a tenuous friendship after. But I’ve never been ghosted like this. It’s really messing with my head how someone can do that. 

But it's not surprising.  She walked out of your home.  Then she was ambivalent about seeing you again.  She responds to these sorts of situations by running away it seems.  Also she very recently was involved in an unprofessional situation and an affair.  She is not a person who has shown herself to act in a thoughtful way with respect to others choosing instead self-absoprtion/selfishness. 

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But it's not surprising.  She walked out of your home. Then she was ambivalent about seeing you again.  She responds to these sorts of situations by running away it seems.

Yes, exactly. Totally inappropriate coping technique. Not a normal adult response. You really have to think twice about a person who does this--it's speaks of self-centeredness and an inconsiderate nature.

[boltnrun]

It's consistent with someone who behaves impulsively and is sorry afterward. She thought dating you would make her feel better about destroying her career and personal life but having someone present as a distraction solves nothing. And maybe she thought dumping her problems on you would relieve her guilt and shame but it just made it worse. Also, there you are in the career path she had envisioned for herself, that she herself destroyed by choosing to be involved in an affair. 

I know if I did something so self destructive I wouldn't want to be looking at a constant reminder.

She isn't contacting you, which you must presume is because she chooses not to. Accept her decision. You don't have to feel terrific about it but you do have to accept it.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I’ve never been ghosted like this. It’s really messing with my head how someone can do that. 

The same type of person who would have an affair with a married man, OP. 

She is someone who thinks about her own desires first and foremost, without much care how her behaviour affects others. The ghosting is a variation on the same theme. It's all about her. 

[Mick17]

On 2/9/2023 at 10:26 AM, MissCanuck said:

The same type of person who would have an affair with a married man, OP. 

She is someone who thinks about her own desires first and foremost, without much care how her behaviour affects others. The ghosting is a variation on the same theme. It's all about her. 

That's a salient point that I chose to brush aside early on and it came back to burn me, but not too badly at least. 

I should note that this was not the first affair she had while in the service. I did not mention it in my initial post. I learned from both her and a mutual friend that there was an earlier affair at a different unit with similar circumstances (more senior, married male officer). It also resulted in disciplinary action, but they were allowed to be retained. I'm not trying to besmirch this person any further but I think it's apt to mention.

It's a damaging pattern it seems. 

[LootieTootie]

37 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

That's a salient point that I chose to brush aside early on and it came back to burn me, but not too badly at least. 

I should note that this was not the first affair she had while in the service. I did not mention it in my initial post. I learned from both her and a mutual friend that there was an earlier affair at a different unit with similar circumstances (more senior, married male officer). It also resulted in disciplinary action, but they were allowed to be retained. I'm not trying to besmirch this person any further but I think it's apt to mention.

It's a damaging pattern it seems. 

People can change but I don't think she has. She keeps showing that she is all about herself and embarrassed about it later.

I think you dodged a bullet.

[boltnrun]

So she has a pattern. This wasn't a one off "mistake" where someone took advantage of poor, defenseless her. This is an active choice she keeps making.

I do have to wonder why you find a woman with this low character attractive. Is she supremely hot or something? I don't mean to imply you're superficial, but I'm puzzled why you find a woman who engages in affairs with married men despite the consequences viable partner material. 

I hope she doesn't contact you again. This is not a quality woman. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Mick17 said:

this was not the first affair she had while in the service

So, she's a trainwreck with a pattern.

Next time, don't overlook such big red flags or try to justify them to yourself. This is not someone who has her s**t together or learns from her bad choices. 

Stay away from people like this rather than chasing after them. 

[Mick17]

22 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I do have to wonder why you find a woman with this low character attractive. Is she supremely hot or something? I don't mean to imply you're superficial, but I'm puzzled why you find a woman who engages in affairs with married men despite the consequences viable partner material. 

She's very cute, not hot, but I'm not into the "hot" type either.

I don't know, maybe it was the shared service experience, or the fact that she is from my home area, or because I found her enjoyable to talk to once I met her, but all that belied the trauma that was hiding below the surface. 

My gut was correct when I first found out about her past. It made me a bit sick to think of the affairs. I proceeded with meeting her to give it a chance, and I found out well enough that it wasn't what I thought it was. 

[Wonderstruck]

On 2/10/2023 at 9:19 PM, Mick17 said:

I should note that this was not the first affair she had while in the service. I did not mention it in my initial post. I learned from both her and a mutual friend that there was an earlier affair at a different unit with similar circumstances (more senior, married male officer). It also resulted in disciplinary action, but they were allowed to be retained. I'm not trying to besmirch this person any further but I think it's apt to mention.

I have to be brutally honest, it actually kind of makes YOU look bad that you were willing to pursue things with her after finding out that she had been in TWO different affairs with married men.

Did you think that you would be the exception, and someone who was willing to break up TWO different marriages (with no regard for the married men's wives) would NEVER cheat on you?

Did you just not care about those married men's wives?

I'm not trying to insult you, but I'm just curious if you've been single for a long time and/or have trouble attracting women?

[Mick17]

3 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

I have to be brutally honest, it actually kind of makes YOU look bad that you were willing to pursue things with her after finding out that she had been in TWO different affairs with married men.

Did you think that you would be the exception, and someone who was willing to break up TWO different marriages (with no regard for the married men's wives) would NEVER cheat on you?

Did you just not care about those married men's wives?

I'm not trying to insult you, but I'm just curious if you've been single for a long time and/or have trouble attracting women?

I get it, and you don’t know me, and I appreciate the hard look. I’ve been single for little over a year. I can attract women and I’ve gone on good dates throughout the year but I am slower at pursuing relationships. I enjoy friendships with women more often than dogged pursuit like some men. I prefer to get to know someone well before committing. It’s worked for me in the past but it’s slow and it’s not for everyone.
 

In this case, I ignored my usual instincts and tried to jump in too fast. She tried to go in too quickly as well. We were both eager to find a partner. 

I was concerned about her past and the disruption it caused to others pretty much the entire time I knew of it. I was concerned about my friends who worked with her and who had to fill in the gap left by the other officers’ departures. I know one of those men had a young daughter and I felt pity for her not knowing her dad was messing around.

I was concerned that the woman I was dating might be more likely to cheat on me if we became a couple. I knew that she was more or less 50% complicit in making the affairs happen. Those weren’t mistakes. What got me is how regretful she felt about the last guy splitting up with her to return to his family. She was more upset about their dissolution than being the one who helped him cheat on his family. That didn’t sit well with me and I chose to ignore it for weeks. 

[Wonderstruck]

Thank you so much for your open and honest response.

The thing I don't understand is why you were STILL interested in her enough to be disappointed over the fact that she ghosted you.

That suggests that if she HAD responded to your text message after she returned from her trip, you would have happily continued seeing her.

6 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

What got me is how regretful she felt about the last guy splitting up with her to return to his family. She was more upset about their dissolution than being the one who helped him cheat on his family.

This is truly gross and you should have walked away right then and there.

I don't understand why you were still attracted to her after this revelation, but PLEASE listen to your gut instincts in the future.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Mick17 said:

What got me is how regretful she felt about the last guy splitting up with her to return to his family. She was more upset about their dissolution than being the one who helped him cheat on his family.

Apparently it didn't bother you that much, or you would have put an end to this when you learned that.

Look, it's not just about whether she might have cheated on you in the future. It's also about the fact that she has a pattern of selfish, hurtful behaviour, poor judgment, and all around crappy character. You knew this and still wanted her to like you and message with you and see you again. 

What is up with that? 

 

[boltnrun]

Maybe you thought if you could be the man who "gets" her and who "gets" her to be completely faithful that would somehow make you higher value?  Like you "won" and the other men "lost"?  

But she's the "booby prize".  She has chosen to lower herself with her decisions and actions.  She isn't "high value", in other words, not with the way she's been behaving.  And it's a shame that she doesn't value HERSELF enough to stop with the destructive behaviors.  Also (and this is not really important but it does have some bearing in the community you're in) imagine you two did get into a relationship.  Everyone seems to know her past, so how would you feel walking into an event hand in hand with the woman everyone knows has been TWO different men's mistress?

I was in a four year relationship with someone who my peers all viewed as "low value" due to things he was well known for (drug use being one of them).  I lost a lot of friends because of it, not because they were shallow or judgmental, but because they believed "you are the company you keep".  It was presumed I was also a drug user; otherwise why would I be in a relationship with someone like him?  When we split there were a lot of people who came to me and admitted they'd pulled away from me because of my relationship with him. I lost a lot of credibility with people who had been important to me. 

Would you have been OK with knowing your friends and work associates would be gossiping about you and your choice to be in a relationship with a woman like that?  

[Mick17]

On 2/12/2023 at 6:02 AM, boltnrun said:

But she's the "booby prize".  She has chosen to lower herself with her decisions and actions.  She isn't "high value", in other words, not with the way she's been behaving.  And it's a shame that she doesn't value HERSELF enough to stop with the destructive behaviors.  Also (and this is not really important but it does have some bearing in the community you're in) imagine you two did get into a relationship.  Everyone seems to know her past, so how would you feel walking into an event hand in hand with the woman everyone knows has been TWO different men's mistress?

You're spot on and I would feel at least a bit self-conscious of others knowing her past if we were to get involved. 

I will admit that I didn't reply to the last few posts for the past month since it was hard to answer some tough questions. I chose to ignore the reality of things while I was absent. She and I got back in touch in the last couple weeks, texting frequently, sharing stories, reconnecting in general. I introduced her to some of my friends too. Things were looking up again. 

In the past week, she has been hot and cold. Messaging suddenly dropped off and it felt like I was initiating more. This coincided with a minor surgery that I had done and my convalescence was absent of her help, which disappointed me to an extent. She followed though with a few favors that I had asked before (help me pick up my car, do some grocery shopping for me), but her frequency of contact has diminished. I think I see a pattern here, and it's one of someone who doesn't really know what they want. 

I invited her to a themed group dinner this weekend. She accepted the invite. I'm going to go into it without expectations of anything beyond just being friends. 

[MissCanuck]

Oh, Mick. 

You're going to learn the hard way that this messy, selfish woman isn't worth it.