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Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left


Mick17
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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ask her what changes she plans to make if she finds herself attracted to a man who is married or attracted to someone else if you and she were to get serious.  See how she reacts to this question -tell her your concern is this happened very recently and she left your house after sharing it so you can tell it's a very current and intense situation for her.

I think that is what I’ll do if/when we continue talking on a relationship level. I am concerned about her commitment to a future relationship if she has not learned from the past.

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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And what are her chances of obtaining government employment given her background?

She shouldn’t have a problem getting employment since the service would be characterized as honorable discharge. She may have a difficult time getting a higher security clearance however.

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18 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I like her a lot. I think she is worth getting to know more. The only obstacle to that is if she is not emotionally ready to date again.

And only she can answer that (through words and actions).  There are no magic formulas to read another person's mind or intentions.  However, I can tell you-- the emotionally unavailable, whether they mean to hurt you or not, it will end hurting you.  Sometimes we are emotionally a mess to such a degree we don't know how messed up we are until hindsight.

Since you are unsure and she basically ran away, I'd let her go.  Leave it up to fate.  If she contacts you, deal with it then.  For now-- find a women without these problems.  

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Just now, Mick17 said:

She shouldn’t have a problem getting employment since the service would be characterized as honorable discharge. She may have a difficult time getting a higher security clearance however.

Yes and she may have a difficult time acting appropriately in a committed relationship based on her recent behavior  -but you're willing to go with "anyone's guess"  i'm glad she has an honorable discharge.  

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4 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

. I am concerned about her commitment to a future relationship if she has not learned from the past.

Unfortunately this is your issue to reflect on, not hers. Some people would give her credit for her candor and stand-up attitude. However if you see her honesty as a red flag, you'll have to consider if you two are a good fit.

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is your issue to reflect on, not hers. Some people would give her credit for her candor and stand-up attitude. However if you see her honesty as a red flag, you'll have to consider if you two are a good fit.

I do value her honesty and I don’t think I would want someone who conceals their past

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and she may have a difficult time acting appropriately in a committed relationship based on her recent behavior  -but you're willing to go with "anyone's guess"  i'm glad she has an honorable discharge.  

You don’t have to fixate on that term, I probably didn’t word it correctly. I see what you mean though. I think she felt obviously hurt and guilty about falling for something controversial like an affair and is willing to work past that to get better. 

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52 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

You don’t have to fixate on that term, I probably didn’t word it correctly. I see what you mean though. I think she felt obviously hurt and guilty about falling for something controversial like an affair and is willing to work past that to get better. 

I’m not fixating. I’ve actually never heard of someone considering being serious with someone dismiss such a huge issue as whether the person would be trustworthy as “anyones guess “. And you made other comments that suggest to me you’re very sexually attracted to her and or desperate and trying to justify getting involved with a woman with recent drama and train wreck stuff of her own making in the recent past.  I think you’re fixating on continuing to date her at all costs. It’s not about semantics in the least. 

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m not fixating. I’ve actually never heard of someone considering being serious with someone dismiss such a huge issue as whether the person would be trustworthy as “anyones guess “. And you made other comments that suggest to me you’re very sexually attracted to her and or desperate and trying to justify getting involved with a woman with recent drama and train wreck stuff of her own making in the recent past.  I think you’re fixating on continuing to date her at all costs. It’s not about semantics in the least. 

I’m all for constructive criticism but you’re taking this to a new level. I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I certainly won’t make a decision based on if I think she may or may not do something. Yes I’ve been on the dating train for a while and getting fatigued by it. I appreciate the candor but I’m going to disagree with you on this one.

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I did some absolutely awful things many years ago. I can assure you (and anyone who's important to me or who might become important in my life) that I will never do those things again. No matter what circumstances or situation might come up.

However, six months after I did those things? I may have done them again because I was still that person who did those things. I needed a good amount of time to not only realize why what I did was so awful, but to understand why I thought doing those things was OK. 

Do you know if she has consulted or worked with a professional to try to understand why she thought getting involved with a married man was not only a good idea, but one that was worth risking her career over? I was told adultery is illegal in the military so she had to know she was imperiling her chances for advancement yet she chose to do it anyway. Why would she do that? If her answer is "I don't know", she still has work to do.

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1 hour ago, Mick17 said:

I’m all for constructive criticism but you’re taking this to a new level. I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I certainly won’t make a decision based on if I think she may or may not do something. Yes I’ve been on the dating train for a while and getting fatigued by it. I appreciate the candor but I’m going to disagree with you on this one.

Sure sounds good -I think you misread what I wrote but totally fine.  Good luck.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you know if she has consulted or worked with a professional to try to understand why she thought getting involved with a married man was not only a good idea, but one that was worth risking her career over? I was told adultery is illegal in the military so she had to know she was imperiling her chances for advancement yet she chose to do it anyway. Why would she do that? If her answer is "I don't know", she still has work to do.

She is talking to a therapist now. I didn't delve into asking her if she thought it was a good idea or not to commit adultery. She knows it's not allowed in the military and that it could affect her career if found. From the context, it sounded like the older coworker took advantage of her isolation in a new workplace and offered a room in his house to stay in temporarily while she found a place. For whatever reason, they started a relationship. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Sure sounds good -I think you misread what I wrote but totally fine.  Good luck.

I'm just not sure where it came across that I was desperate to date her. Obviously making this thread means it's important to me and I don't want to ignore what happened, but not desperation. 

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Just now, Mick17 said:

I'm just not sure where it came across that I was desperate to date her. Obviously making this thread means it's important to me and I don't want to ignore what happened, but not desperation. 

Oh it was a guess because of your reactions to what she revealed and how she reacted after.  Good luck -obviously it's not "wrong" if you choose to date her -you're an adult and can weigh the risks and benefits.

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh it was a guess because of your reactions to what she revealed and how she reacted after.  Good luck -obviously it's not "wrong" if you choose to date her -you're an adult and can weigh the risks and benefits.

I gotcha. Her walking out is not a fun experience. People do that when they cannot handle the current situation. I don’t know if it bodes well for future interactions. 

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Only time will tell as you spend more alone time together.

If she brings it up again simply ask her straight out "Are you the same person you were then?"

See what she says and then decide. If she doesn't then let it go if you believe she is a good person that can be trusted.  If you keep your eyes and ears open her true character will show.

Keep us posted and good luck

Lost

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31 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

If she brings it up again simply ask her straight out "Are you the same person you were then?"

See what she says and then decide. If she doesn't then let it go if you believe she is a good person that can be trusted.  If you keep your eyes and ears open her true character will show.

That’s a tough question, but it’s necessary. I’m worried the response might be “I’m not sure”. In which case I have to think real hard about pursuing this person.

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1 hour ago, Mick17 said:

For whatever reason, they started a relationship

They started a relationship because she consented to starting a relationship. She's not a minor who can be "taken advantage" of. Unless he lied and claimed he was single (tough to do if she lived in his home), she knew exactly what she was getting into.

I can't tell if you're making excuses for her or if she's claiming she was taken advantage of. But the first and most important step in making change is acknowledging your own responsibility for your choices.

No one made me do the awful things I did. I was selfish and only thought about what I wanted. I didn't care about any consequences. But I'm not ever going to claim those things "just happened" or that anyone took advantage of me. I chose to be awful. Fortunately I learned from my choices. Hopefully she will too. 

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

They started a relationship because she consented to starting a relationship. She's not a minor who can be "taken advantage" of. Unless he lied and claimed he was single (tough to do if she lived in his home), she knew exactly what she was getting into.

She acknowledged her role in letting the relationship begin. It just happened that the guy had more of a role in starting it (more senior in rank, made first move, says he’s gonna divorce his wife who is was living in her home country, etc.) and she went along with it. 

I hope she will learn too. Her career is closing with the military and I sensed a resignation and relief to getting out. 

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21 hours ago, Mick17 said:

How’s it going. I’m going thru another head scratcher this time regarding a person I have been talking to and dating for a few weeks. 
 

We were on a third date at my house for dinner and drinks and the topic of careers comes up. We had good interactions to to that point including some physical intimacy like kissing. She reveals that she has had some difficulty in the past with work. We’re both in the military. She was involved with an affair with a married coworker and when it was discovered, she and him were removed from the workplace and disciplined. For her that meant a hold of promotion indefinitely.

Fast forward to now, she has been attending therapy and implies that she’s struggling with dealing with the past. Lack of promotion and guilt of getting involved with an affair has had a negative effect in her life. She feels better now since it’s been over half a year since the event and aftermath, but still is jaded about what happened and is waiting to get out processed from the service (because of the lack of promotion). 
 

After sharing all this information to me, I noticed she became much cooler in demeanor and suddenly expressed how she should leave. She quickly got up and made her way out of my apartment and back to her car, leaving me bewildered and wondering where I might have gone wrong. I feel like I should have reeled in the conversation before she shared too much. I did express to her that she should only share as much as she is comfortable with.

I did not hear from her after that and I haven’t reached out to ask if she’s okay. I’m worried that by over sharing a traumatic event in her past, she became overwhelmed and didn’t want to show that in front of me, and so she left. 
 

Is it best to let this one lie for now and give her some space before trying to make contact again? 

I personally feel like you are probably getting into a little trouble with her being so freshly (7 months is still fresh) out of a relationship that clearly impacts her so deeply. It will likely impact your relationship, too. But, if you really like her, you could text her, ask her how she is and say you would be interested in hearing from her and going out again if that interests her. Hopefully, you can keep the lines of communication open. I would still be very leery about how recent this all happened and the fact that she is clearly not over it and likely not ready for a new relationship. 

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17 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I personally feel like you are probably getting into a little trouble with her being so freshly (7 months is still fresh) out of a relationship that clearly impacts her so deeply. It will likely impact your relationship, too. But, if you really like her, you could text her, ask her how she is and say you would be interested in hearing from her and going out again if that interests her. Hopefully, you can keep the lines of communication open. I would still be very leery about how recent this all happened and the fact that she is clearly not over it and likely not ready for a new relationship. 

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to message her soon with something similar to what you wrote. I am also leery of the recentness of everything and the fact that she was emotional enough to walk out. 

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Just now, Mick17 said:

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to message her soon with something similar to what you wrote. I am also leery of the recentness of everything and the fact that she was emotional enough to walk out. 

I completely agree with you. All of that would give me pause. Maybe not enough to stop dating her if you can have an honest conversation about it, but I have just learned the hard way that when people tell you they aren’t over someone or something, they mean it. 

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1 minute ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

All of that would give me pause. Maybe not enough to stop dating her if you can have an honest conversation about it, but I have just learned the hard way that when people tell you they aren’t over someone or something, they mean it. 

She said she wanted a relationship. She has been casually dating in the months since, but has not explicitly said if she was or was not over the last relationship. I think she was more overwhelmed by her own story and maybe felt embarrassed or guilty for it all. And so the abrupt end to conversation. 

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26 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

She said she wanted a relationship. She has been casually dating in the months since, but has not explicitly said if she was or was not over the last relationship. I think she was more overwhelmed by her own story and maybe felt embarrassed or guilty for it all. And so the abrupt end to conversation. 

Possibly. However, I said I was ready for a relationship many times in my past when I was not. I dated a 50-year old woman in 2020 who “was totally ready for a relationship!” She was also “over all of her exes and would never get back together with them.” After she told me I was the woman of her dreams, basically, she went back to her ex. So, not to scare you, but what people say and what they do don’t always match up. So, just listen to what she says and look at her actions. I think Batya said that somewhere in another thread about looking at actions (she is brilliant). I am not saying to write her off, but I am learning to pay more attention. Things that often concern me in the very beginning tend to be an issue throughout the relationship. I will always know now to really take time to get to know someone before jumping in. That’s what I would advise here. 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

So, not to scare you, but what people say and what they do don’t always match up. So, just listen to what she says and look at her actions. I think Batya said that somewhere in another thread about looking at actions (she is brilliant). 

 

 

 

 

That’s a great way to think of it. We haven’t spent much time together so it’s hard to tell if the actions aren’t aligning with the words.
 

I’m also worried now that our early attraction has been sidelined by this revelation. That it would be hard to get back 

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