I've had dating failures all year, this one frustrates me the most since I did everything right

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm not trying to be rude, but am I supposed to tell a woman everything when we meet on day one? I understand it's a legit concern, I haven't been sexually active in years and I don't have any diseases after being tested when I have been with people in the past. 

 

 

Yes you are supposed to tell a person you want to date if your sexual orientation is not heterosexual which most people are and which most people assume the person of the opposite gender asking them out is. Just like marital status - single is assumed if the person is asking out for a date. If not single that should be shared and not a surprise. 
I had a man tell me on our first date - we’d met at a weekend religious retreat - that his ex girlfriend was due with their baby in a month. I would have been very upset if he didn’t tell me that until we’d gone out several times. 

[MALayhee800]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you are supposed to tell a person you want to date if your sexual orientation is not heterosexual which most people are and which most people assume the person of the opposite gender asking them out is. Just like marital status - single is assumed if the person is asking out for a date. If not single that should be shared and not a surprise. 
I had a man tell me on our first date - we’d met at a weekend religious retreat - that his ex girlfriend was due with their baby in a month. I would have been very upset if he didn’t tell me that until we’d gone out several times. 

If I'm bisexual I have a right to date heterosexual people, I understand letting people know within the first few weeks of dating, but I'm not going to limit myself by dating only bisexual people. I had a similar situation with some gay male in 2013, who told me that I need to pick a side and quit being internally homophobic, I don't believe in that nonsense. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm not trying to argue here, I just think we have a different understanding of the English language and social customs. Why do I need to specifically say "we should date"? She expressed she is single and knows I'm single, am I hanging out with her just to have a friend? Men and women don't do the friendship thing when they're single.

I did. I met a man at a high school reunion. We didn’t know each other. We decided to meet for lunch. I didn’t consider it a date. While at lunch I realized there was a dealbreaker. I told him and he understood so he didn’t ask me out on a date.  This was in 2004.  We were good friends for about 4 years after that and remain in touch. 100% platonic. I also didn’t know if my future husband meant it as a date when he asked me to have lunch 

[catfeeder]

Quote

I've had dating failures all year, this one frustrates me the most since I did everything right

First, for the sake of your own head and to avoid a self fulfilling prophesy, I'd reframe this. You're not 'failing,' you're learning who is a good match for you--and who is not.

This is true for everyone, and most people are NOT our match. 

So stop viewing each person you screen out or who screens themselves out as a fail.

In your case below, it's frustrating that you're splitting hairs over what to call a date, when regardless of what you call it--meeting up, hanging out, grabbing a bite or a walk--the ONLY way to make it happen is to INVITE her with a TIME and a DATE.

Otherwise, you're like two people who see one another on the street and say, "Let's do lunch..." and it never happens. 

You've basically dropped a nothing-burger in her lap and ran away. You've decided that the onus is now on her to make anything happen. And that's not doing anything 'right'.

Why not just invite her to do something or share a meal on a specific day and time?

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

If I'm bisexual I have a right to date heterosexual people, I understand letting people know within the first few weeks of dating, but I'm not going to limit myself by dating only bisexual people. I had a similar situation with some gay male in 2013, who told me that I need to pick a side and quit being internally homophobic, I don't believe in that nonsense. 

You don’t have to limit and it’s unfair not to tell a person you asked for a date what your sexual orientation is. I’m not homophobic and I wouldn’t date a bisexual person if I were single and would be upset with a person who asked me out and didn’t tell me. I know of straight people who date bisexual people. Apparently they are fine with it. 

[MALayhee800]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

First, for the sake of your own head and to avoid a self fulfilling prophesy, I'd reframe this. You're not 'failing,' you're learning who is a good match for you--and who is not.

This is true for everyone, and most people are NOT our match. 

So stop viewing each person you screen out or who screens themselves out as a fail.

In your case below, it's frustrating that you're splitting hairs over what to call a date, when regardless of what you call it--meeting up, hanging out, grabbing a bite or a walk--the ONLY way to make it happen is to INVITE her with a TIME and a DATE.

Otherwise, you're like two people who see one another on the street and say, "Let's do lunch..." and it never happens. 

You've basically dropped a nothing-burger in her lap and ran away. You've decided that the onus is now on her to make anything happen. And that's not doing anything 'right'.

Why not just invite her to do something or share a meal on a specific day and time?

 

I'm sorry if I sound defensive here, I'm just upset because I'm getting older and it feels like fate that I can't get into a meaningful relationship at all. 

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I understand letting people know within the first few weeks of dating, but I'm not going to limit myself by dating only bisexual people

First few weeks? You should mention this in the first dates.

And, you're not limiting yourself. You're being upfront with others and giving them the choice early on to pursue dating you or not. Being bisexual comes with a more limited dating pool, and you should accept that.

[kctiger]

3 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm sorry if I sound defensive here, I'm just upset because I'm getting older and it feels like fate that I can't get into a meaningful relationship at all. 

From the start, this doesn't sound like the person for you anyway, so consider it a bullet dodged. I'm older than you and I'm single AND I still get rejected by woman. It's life. I consider rejection a learning experience and fate telling me I wasn't meant to be with that person. 

There is never a guarantee that had you gone on a date with this woman it would have turned into a meaningful relationship. Frankly it could have ended up being a waste of time. Just relax and enjoy being single. When timing is right, it'll work itself out, but you can't force anything or get so upset that you feel like you're doomed. The last thing you want as a man is to have a scarcity mindset. Onward and upward my friend. 

[boltnrun]

Plenty of women (and men) don't have an issue with dating a bisexual person. But you have to give them that choice.

How would you feel if this woman agreed to go on several dates with you over a few weeks, you got to really like her, and then she disclosed she's lesbian and isn't attracted to men at all? Or she's married and is living with her husband and is going on dates behind his back?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Plenty of women (and men) don't have an issue with dating a bisexual person. But you have to give them that choice.

How would you feel if this woman agreed to go on several dates with you over a few weeks, you got to really like her, and then she disclosed she's lesbian and isn't attracted to men at all?

Or she told you she wants to live a polygamous lifestyle?

[MALayhee800]

9 minutes ago, kctiger said:

From the start, this doesn't sound like the person for you anyway, so consider it a bullet dodged. I'm older than you and I'm single AND I still get rejected by woman. It's life. I consider rejection a learning experience and fate telling me I wasn't meant to be with that person. 

There is never a guarantee that had you gone on a date with this woman it would have turned into a meaningful relationship. Frankly it could have ended up being a waste of time. Just relax and enjoy being single. When timing is right, it'll work itself out, but you can't force anything or get so upset that you feel like you're doomed. The last thing you want as a man is to have a scarcity mindset. Onward and upward my friend. 

I'm not invalidating your life experiences, but why are you assuming it won't work for me based on what I typed? You don't know me or the person I'm interested in, so where's the logic? I'm not an old man, but I'm not a young kid anymore and there's certain things in life I want that I don't have yet. 

[kctiger]

14 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm not invalidating your life experiences, but why are you assuming it won't work for me based on what I typed? You don't know me or the person I'm interested in, so where's the logic? I'm not an old man, but I'm not a young kid anymore and there's certain things in life I want that I don't have yet. 

Good Lord. Read your own initial post and you'll see why I think this may not have been a good match for you. 

1. She told you she wanted to have kids and perhaps felt pressure to have them. 
2. You've initiated all the conversation with her, not the other way around, which suggests she may not be interested in you. 
3. You thought she was too revealing when you first met. 
4. You don't want to get into a relationship where you feel like you're being used simply for procreation. 

So you got her number, and that made you feel good? What else about this woman made you feel like there was a meaningful relationship to be had other than you carried on a 4 hour conversation? 

Maybe I missed this, but she has your number and you don't have hers? Is that why you chat through FB? You said you're in the stages of relationship grief. What does that mean? You are depressed about not finding a relationship or you got out of one and are upset? You keep having these things happen where you're unsuccessful with woman? I'm trying to nail down what is going on here that has led you to think that you're in such a hopeless situation from a relationship perspective. 

[Mammalyssa]

This sounds awfully familiar to the thread about being too 'ugly' to get a girlfriend. Very defensive and argumentative..!

[catfeeder]

21 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm sorry if I sound defensive here, I'm just upset because I'm getting older and it feels like fate that I can't get into a meaningful relationship at all. 

Defensive isn't the word I'd use, because you're not defending anything by sinking your own morale. Just the opposite. You're self sabotaging, and that harms nobody but you.

Try an analogy: a jigsaw puzzle where each piece is unique. When we try fitting 2 that don't work together it doesn't make either piece 'wrong' or 'unworthy.' It also doesn't mean that if we only spoke in a more effective way we could have converted them into a fit. It just means we'll need to keep trying out different fits to screen out the wrong ones and play more with the possible fits.

It's also helpful to look at things like 'rejection' in a different way. It speaks of nothing more than the limited vision of another person who is looking for someone else. Most people do NOT own the right lens through which to see and appreciate our unique value in the way we deserve to be appreciated by a lover. That's not a bad thing. It's how we narrow down our dating pool until we can find the needle in the haystack.

This is why being up front about Who We Are is the only strategy for long term gains. It screens out the people who aren't right for us, and it limits our focus to only those people with the potential to be RIGHT for us. Simpatico can't be real unless WE are real, so it makes no sense to hide aspects of ourselves in order to keep someone around who isn't the right material.

Decide what YOU want, then work backwards from that. Do you want just anyone? Or do you want to synch with someone who 'gets you'. If the goal is just to get a date, then pretzel yourself away. But if the goal is to screen out bad matches early so you can free your focus to find your GOOD match, then adopt the life skill of resilience, and keep on screening until you stumble across that person.

And when you meet someone who might be THAT person, ask for What You Want. Tell her or him that you'd really enjoy getting to know them better, and might they like to meet for (fill in the blank) at (fill in the blank) on (DATE and time)?

Head high, you can do this.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm bisexual, if this keeps happening with women, I might just be exclusively gay; it's easier for me to socialize with men and I don't need this crap in my life right now.

That's definitely an option if you find dating women too complicated. 

[Tinydance]

I understand dating is really hard. I had a lot of the same experiences. I'm also bisexual so I get it. I don't think there's a need to say to everyone you meet (even for dating) straight away: "Hi my name is X and I'm bisexual." I think once you do go on a couple or a few dates though, it might be a good idea to mention it. I usually mentioned it at some point earlier on mainly because I just wanted to know that the person is fine with it. And just wanted to know their views on being GLBTIQ + in general. Being bisexual obviously it's important to have a partner who accepts you for who you are.

Sorry but I actually don't understand why you're feeling so negative and annoyed/angry about this situation. Yes dating is hard but in this case I think you're over reacting. There have been a lot of posts here from people who are getting angry about dating and not getting a result and things like that.

Finding a partner is not easy. In a sense it's like looking for a job (except probably a lot harder). When you're looking for a job, you have to really make the effort and put the hard work in. Like browsing job ads for a long time, writing a cover letter, resume, making phone calls. You might get some job interviews and travel to the interview (sometimes far). You might pay for a taxi, public transport or parking to go to the job interview. And after the job interview you might not actually get the job. The thing is, yes you hope that you'll get the job, but there is no guarantee that you will. Even if you put in all the hard work.

I think dating is exactly the same, it requires a lot of work. You aren't always going to get good results, but sometimes you will. You sound bitter and negative and like you're really making a lot out of this situation. I don't see why you're even this annoyed.

You went to a party and started talking to a woman on social media. Yes you "did everything right" in the sense that you're being friendly and making conversation. It's not like you really went above and beyond. It's not like you actually went on dates with her and took her to a five star restaurant and paid and then she lost interest. You're just chatting to her and you've never gone out with her at all.

Yes she wanted your number, probably to get to know you better. That doesn't mean she OWES you to go out with you. I mean I agree she should at least catch up in person to really see how it goes because talking online is not the same. But if she's changed her mind or something after talking to you, she has the right to do that. You have the same right towards other women and men too if you lose interest.

I think it's a very negative attitude to get so annoyed after you just put a little bit of effort into getting to know a woman. All you did was have a chat a few times. You can't just expect that every single time you talk to anyone you'll get a relationship out of it. If you get so worked up about a little bit of rejection then you're not going to last long in the dating world.

Also sorry but I think your mindset that if it's not going well with women, you'll just go to men, isn't necessarily good. I have gay male friends. From what they've told me, it's easy just to get sex with other guys, but it's so hard to get a relationship. Apparently most guys just want hookup. So yes maybe you'll succeed in getting hookups but finding a boyfriend would still be really hard work. It's not going to be easy regardless of what gender you're dating because dating is not easy.

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm sorry if I sound defensive here, I'm just upset because I'm getting older and it feels like fate that I can't get into a meaningful relationship at all. 

Isn't that a bit dramatic? How can it be "fate"?

[MALayhee800]

30 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Isn't that a bit dramatic? How can it be "fate"?

I got the answer I was expecting, so I guess I have an excuse to drink tonight or just play video games till 2am on a weeknight to soften the blows. I didn't mention the other women I have dated on her, didn't feel it was relevant. I had two girlfriends as a teenager, those weren't real since relationships as a kid don't really mean anything, I also had an unofficial date that I never asked for when I was hospitalized(woman dated me three times without asking behind her boyfriend's back) and the several attempts at dating I had over the years amounted to nothing.

 

I'm just going to focus on myself 100% from now on, I'm not doing this game anymore. I'm going to focus on my business I started, my health and my own financial gain. The world sucks!

[moodindigo91]

16 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I got the answer I was expecting, so I guess I have an excuse to drink tonight or just play video games till 2am on a weeknight to soften the blows. I didn't mention the other women I have dated on her, didn't feel it was relevant. I had two girlfriends as a teenager, those weren't real since relationships as a kid don't really mean anything, I also had an unofficial date that I never asked for when I was hospitalized(woman dated me three times without asking behind her boyfriend's back) and the several attempts at dating I had over the years amounted to nothing.

 

I'm just going to focus on myself 100% from now on, I'm not doing this game anymore. I'm going to focus on my business I started, my health and my own financial gain. The world sucks!

This is a fair and honest reply. And now you don't have to sit here and ruminate and wonder whether she liked you or not, etc. 

I still think your reaction of giving up on dating completely and saying this world sucks is a bit dramatic though. Although I get it, being rejected is a crappy feeling. I'm sorry she declined. But at least it seems like it has nothing to do with you. 

I think it's probably a good idea to focus on yourself for now, and your business. Who knows, maybe manifesting for yourself will bring more compatible people who are ready to date closer to your circle. Don't give up completely, but maybe don't make dating a priority right now! 

[Kwothe28]

Sorry to hear that bro. 

Dont take it that much to your heart, again, at this point she is just a stranger. Its not something that should bother you that much. This one didnt want a date, next one would. Focus on job, but dont give up on dates if that is something you really want. Keep options opened if you meet somebody interesting. Its dissapointing from your perspective now. But again, you need to be stronger if you want to date people. 

Also, dont take her BS excuse as something valid. If she wanted to date you she would. Like this she is just keeping her options opened in case she changes her mind later. Dont take that kind of behavior from her and stop the contact.

[kctiger]

45 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm just going to focus on myself 100% from now on, I'm not doing this game anymore. I'm going to focus on my business I started, my health and my own financial gain. The world sucks!

The important thing is you put yourself out there. That’s the risk you run. As Kwothe stated, her response is nothing but a sugarcoated, passive way of telling you she’s not interested. Absolutely no coffee or dinner dates as you aren’t looking to be friend zoned. 

Sorry this happened. It sucks, but be careful not to get overly attached to any one specific person that you don’t know very well. You have a lot going for you in your own life and that’s something to be proud of. Chin up and keep pushing. 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, MALayhee800 said:

If I'm bisexual I have a right to date heterosexual people.

If they are agreeable.  You're all about your rights but does the other party have any rights?  What if they aren't interested in bisexual people? 

When I say I would want to know up front, I mean UP FRONT.  Meaning before I'm asked out on a date, so I can decline.  A lot of straight people only want straight partners, but yet others are okay with it.  Those people are your target market.  To fail to disclose this is deliberately being deceptive.

[MALayhee800]

46 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

This is a fair and honest reply. And now you don't have to sit here and ruminate and wonder whether she liked you or not, etc. 

I still think your reaction of giving up on dating completely and saying this world sucks is a bit dramatic though. Although I get it, being rejected is a crappy feeling. I'm sorry she declined. But at least it seems like it has nothing to do with you. 

I think it's probably a good idea to focus on yourself for now, and your business. Who knows, maybe manifesting for yourself will bring more compatible people who are ready to date closer to your circle. Don't give up completely, but maybe don't make dating a priority right now! 

'm going through more than dating woes, I'm just not happy with my situation in life right now. If I had the power to go back and change certain things, I would change them without hesitation. I'm inching to 30 and I'm officially old in 4 months; I honestly prefer being 14 years old and having to deal with juvenile bullying than put up with anything superficial garbage working adults have to put up with on a daily basis. My life as a kid was pretty average, but at least I was young and the world was a much brighter place from the perspective of my young and vibrant brain.

34 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sorry to hear that bro. 

Dont take it that much to your heart, again, at this point she is just a stranger. Its not something that should bother you that much. This one didnt want a date, next one would. Focus on job, but dont give up on dates if that is something you really want. Keep options opened if you meet somebody interesting. Its dissapointing from your perspective now. But again, you need to be stronger if you want to date people. 

Also, dont take her BS excuse as something valid. If she wanted to date you she would. Like this she is just keeping her options opened in case she changes her mind later. Dont take that kind of behavior from her and stop the contact.

I appreciate it, I'm just irritated because I was legit having fun with around 60 people that night and thought it was going to payoff, just set myself up for disappointment.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

'm going through more than dating woes, I'm just not happy with my situation in life right now. If I had the power to go back and change certain things, I would change them without hesitation. I'm inching to 30 and I'm officially old in 4 months; I honestly prefer being 14 years old and having to deal with juvenile bullying than put up with anything superficial garbage working adults have to put up with on a daily basis. My life as a kid was pretty average, but at least I was young and the world was a much brighter place from the perspective of my young and vibrant brain.

I appreciate it, I'm just irritated because I was legit having fun with around 60 people that night and thought it was going to payoff, just set myself up for disappointment.

It will be much more realistic if you have zero expectations that someone will want to date you (as oppposed to chat or hang out, etc) unless there is a specific time/place time for a date. It's pretty hilarious that you think 30 is old -you sound like my 13 year old son lol . My husband and I married and became parents at 42 -first marriage for both. Dating for me was often like a part time job.

I liked her response -it was thoughtful, it was measured -even if it just boils down to her not being that into you -still she made an attempt to let  you down easy.  

I hope you feel better.

 

[moodindigo91]

13 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm inching to 30 and I'm officially old in 4 months

Hey now! I'm 31 and single ... 30 is not old at all and you still have plenty of time to find a suitable partner. 

13 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

My life as a kid was pretty average, but at least I was young and the world was a much brighter place from the perspective of my young and vibrant brain.

I understand being in the dating woes, but this is kinda sad. I'm sorry your perspective has gotten so bad as you grew into adulthood. This is something you should really spend time working on improving while you're single. Perception is very much something you can control, and having a positive perception of most situations will have tremendously positive impacts on your daily mood and life in general. 

Try to perceive dating and rejection as being positive. You're dodging bullets, weeding out unsuitable partners, making room for the ones who are more compatible. I heard something a long time ago that I repeat to myself often, and that is something like "rejection is protection". They're doing you a favor, saving you time and probably heartache. 

18 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

thought it was going to payoff

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It will be much more realistic if you have zero expectations

I agree that having zero expectations will be better overall. I would refrain from having any expectations until you are in a committed relationship with someone tbh. Don't give up! Allow yourself some time to feel like crap about this specific rejection and then pick yourself up and keep moving forward as soon as possible.