Am I remaining professional?

[tattoobunnie]

Owner of two a multimillion dollar companies, and also hires people.  I would 100% take you word for it, and not hire the guy.  But I would have also spotted predatory behavior in my due diligence of qualifying a candidate.  I got you.  Take a deep breath.  You need to not keep swallowing their poison.  It will work out.

[Alex39]

13 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Owner of two a multimillion dollar companies, and also hires people.  I would 100% take you word for it, and not hire the guy.  But I would have also spotted predatory behavior in my due diligence of qualifying a candidate.  I got you.  Take a deep breath.  You need to not keep swallowing their poison.  It will work out.

Thank you. I think I am less fearful of him getting the job. I can leave and go elsewhere.  I wrote up a professional statement about him being a poor leader, having inappropriate relationships with women, and overall creating a toxic work environment. I fear people will find out 1. It's me that wrote it and many people read this and 2. They might think I'm unprofessional for getting involved and might think my statements dramatic, but I stated the truth from what I experienced. 

I fear of being not liked now, kicked out, seen as a hindrance of a worker, I fear he'll find out what I wrote. I don't want any trouble. I wish my colleague didn't type up what I said. It was anonymous,  but still. I just wished I stayed out of it. I feel so much pressure and fear that what I said will hurt me not help me. Again him suing me for libel if he disagrees with what I wrote. What I saw and heard and experienced was my truth. But some may think I'm just some dramatic young girl, who didn't like her old boss, and is throwing a fit. 

I just am struggling so hard with this and looking unprofessional and thatI may have ruined my professional reputation 

[tattoobunnie]

I believing in protecting whistleblowers.  Whistleblowers should be protected.  The company doesn't want a potential lawsuit on their hands.  I would breathe easy.  Being a manger means making tough decisions, and you won't always be liked.  

It's interesting - no matter how much you care or do your best for employees, you are always looked at as "the man" rolling around in money.  People aren't going to dislike you for keeping a toxic person out.  What you did was right.  They may dislike you as a boss, but that comes with the territory! Own it! 

[boltnrun]

Do you regret saying something and writing up your statement?

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you regret saying something and writing up your statement?

I mentioned how he had inappropriate relationships with women.

I did witness that, but I think that statement is very hard for people to believe because it does sound dramatic.

I  specifically mentioned how he showed excessive favoritism to young attractive women crossing the line into flirtation, unethical practices, and adultery.  

I wrote that in my statement.

Then I mentioned how he participated in quid pro quo, offering these young, inexperienced, women high positions, raises, and power over others, when their experience and education was not up to par for those types of advancements. 

I saw him flirt and even touch at times these women- stroking their arms and touching their hair, but I did not write this stuff in detail or say this. 

I mentioned how he has lost 8 staff in four years. That's a fact. 

I was a young woman myself working for him. I fear that people either won't believe me or he'll find out and freak out because he clearly doesn't want that spread around about him. 

I mentioned how his decisions and actions made staff uncomfortable,  resentful,  and it caused a toxic work environment. I also added a quote directly from another staff member who left, because he was so uncomfortable being told that he needed to show affection and attention to these women to get ahead with the boss. 

I mentioned that those that did not treat him like a king were ostracized from the office, left out of office happenings, and then were told were terrible team players for not participating. 

I wrote facts,with specific examples, and tried to use intelligent wording and language, so I didn't look like some dramatic girl blogging or something. I wrote very properly and strongly. 

I ended it with the fact that I love our current corporation and have been valued by my peers here.  And that I wouldn't want this man ruining that for everyone. 

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think that statement is very hard for people to believe because it does sound dramatic.

Nope. That is the PTSD talking.  You did nothing wrong, but protect others from this turd's bs.

[Batya33]

I was in a similar but not as difficult situation as you where someone who worked at my then firm threatened me and scared me.  This was close to 20 years ago.  I reported it at that time and actually he was seen doing it anyway.  He was an independent contractor and left shortly after.  But then maybe a year later I was at a different firm and saw him in our reception area and figured out he was interviewing to work there.  Now I would not have had to work for him but I would have had to interact with him.  I made eye contact with him.  He recognized me.  I really can't remember what I did to follow up. 

I believe maybe I called the HR person who would be interviewing him and offered to give input should they wish me to do so.  I tried to stay neutral but didn't hide that the feedback wouldn't be of the glowing kind.  From all I can remember he didn't get hired -don't know why/didn't ask -so it was all a big nothing.  But -yes -I did intend to say "something" as what happened scared me.

[Seraphim]

Okay, when I was in the military I put in a complaint about a person who was exactly the same. The military’s investigation services came down from the capital and interview 10 of my colleagues who also witnessed it and I was interviewed last as I brought the complaint. I was interviewed by 3 investigators for 6 hours and everything I said was taped “ for my protection “ I was asked the same questions 43 different ways for the next 6 hours. The person in question chose to release rather than be Court Marshalled.
 

It was a scary deal. My entire unit knew I brought the complaint including all his sexist buddies. My own sibling as well was interviewed and was one of his friends. 
 

I am still standing and you will be too. When you stand up for principles you have to take your arrows sometimes. 

[Alex39]

I don't know. I'm just freaking out again. What if he gets ahold of what I wrote. He could sue me or go after me. Call my employer and cause a stink. What if soneone that got the note from my colleague knows him and passed it on. 

[Seraphim]

Grounding exercises. 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Grounding exercises. 

I know. I'm way too anxious and upset. I can't help it. Do you think bad will come of this? From what I wrote?

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I know. I'm way too anxious and upset. I can't help it. Do you think bad will come of this? From what I wrote?

I think you need to go for a nice brisk walk and wear off those stress hormones. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Seraphim . Go outside and take a walk or hit the gym to release the stress.

Nothing bad will come from this Alex. I told you before, you'll be fine.

[waffle]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What if he gets ahold of what I wrote. He could sue me or go after me. 

Were any of his indiscretions/"adultery" documented?  Grievances filed, etc.?   If not, why.not?  

Frankly, these are very strong accusations to make without documented proof.  At best it sounds like sour grapes on your part that others were being promoted over you, and at worst it's slanderous.

[Batya33]

I really have just no idea of the law in this case but I mean I'm an outsider and common sense tells me- based on how you described what you wrote - no, there is no issue at all with the appropriateness of what you wrote.  The "what ifs" -I mean sure anything is possible -look at what happened to Nancy's husband Paul today in San Francisco!!  - no no nothing like that would ever happen to you but all I'm saying is that we all live with what ifs from actions we take. 

Last month I was brought to tears by two obnoxious cashiers at my local market.  I'd never seen them before.  I often know the cashiers.  Really bizarre since I've been going there 12 years regularly and for the most part everyone is pleasant to me and often beyond pleasant!  I do my best to be pleasant and cut slack especially these past few years.

I chose not to report it.  I was biting back the urge to report it - as most would.  But (1) these are people paid a low wage and they need the jobs I bet to feed their families; (2) I am not willing to switch locations of my market (and you are willing to quit by contrast); and (3) I feared retaliation since I would have had to be very specific about time and place and there is of course a time-stamped receipt from my weekly shopping.  I also spoke to my husband about it and we agreed it was so unfair and it was not worth reporting. 

Thankfully I've not seen either of them again and will be able to avoid their checkout line if I do. You would have to interact with this person! So - it's alway a balance, right, and we have a sense of justice and fairness plus wanting to protect others from a harmful person, right? I balanced it by staying quiet.  We are both "right" and we both had to make a hard choice (yours being far far harder of course). 

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't know. I'm just freaking out again. What if he gets ahold of what I wrote...What if soneone that got the note from my colleague knows him and passed it on. 

Who in your company do you distrust so much that they would do that to you? Who have you had conflicts with?

If the answer is "no one", you are catastrophizing. You are escalating yourself into a full blown panic attack.

Please try to find a productive way to eliminate this self inflicted stress. 

When will you be able to see your therapist?

[Batya33]

I will add this and likely stating the obvious -if/when you do interview (as Boltnrun wrote - you should always be ready to interview -Bolt thanks for the reminder -my CV is woefully outdated) - I would never mention any motivation to leave related to this situation.  Just keep it to the bland/neutral "want to move on/move up/better fit" etc.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Were any of his indiscretions/"adultery" documented?  Grievances filed, etc.?   If not, why.not?  

Frankly, these are very strong accusations to make without documented proof.  At best it sounds like sour grapes on your part that others were being promoted over you, and at worst it's slanderous.

This is what I feared. That I look like some desperate tattletale who can't get over things. I'm going to be hated and ostracized now. Seen as an unprofessional dramatic hindrance. 

No one said anything because they were too afraid. I did go to HR once to state some factual things that were done to me under him. I was threatened aggressively publicly that I was essentially done working there after a dumb miscommunication about an intern, then the aggresor demamded I come near him as he was raging and yelling at me. I feared for my safety.  Then was asked about confidential medical information and accused of having a medical disability. I never confirmed or denied. I do not have any medical disabilities BTW. 

The HR department did nothing for me and he proceeded to call me into his office to tell me that his good friend is the HR director and he spoke to him about this and essentially it was swept under the rug. 

 

I'm just so embarrassed now and humiliated. I shouldn't have said anything. Let the process be. If he got hired,then I'd leave, if he didn't, then I'd be fine. And I opened big mouth and I have so much embarrassment and regret 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I've stayed drama free here. I've been a dedicated worker. 

This gives your report more weight, so stay focused on this.

What would be the purpose of this company floating the names of these candidates?

Do you believe they did this because they intended to entrap their own employees into responses that would be misused to mistreat them? That HR people and others entrusted with sensitive information would somehow expose that information to position themselves and you into an unnecessary line of fire?

They don’t need to justify to any candidate their reasons for hiring someone with qualifications and NO controversial past. This isn’t a court of law with subpoena driven exposure.

Anyone who has known you during your 4 YEARS, not 4 months, of solid, conscientious and drama-free service will consider your report carefully, and those who don’t know you will consult with those who do.

Unless you believe that someone in your firm would be deliberately out to harm you, trust that privacy is highly valued in all matters, but especially ones like this, and any misuse of such confidential information would reflect on the misuser—and everyone knows this.

Use these ideas to talk yourself down from high intensity spinning. Consider using your firm’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to reach a confidential counselor who is trained in this area. Understand that all issues that impact one’s livelihood are especially charged, and so fear and anxiety are natural results. None of this makes you weak or wrong.

Don’t assign bad motives to those who’ve given you no reason to mistrust them. Think of yourself as brave, and trust that you will build confidence from this experience.

Decide to be PROUD of yourself even while you feel triggered and vulnerable. You did the right thing, and that’s something to value about yourself, not torture yourself over.

Head high, Alex.

[Alex39]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This gives your report more weight, so stay focused on this.

What would be the purpose of this company floating the names of these candidates?

Do you believe they did this because they intended to entrap their own employees into responses that would be misused to mistreat them? That HR people and others entrusted with sensitive information would somehow expose that information to position themselves and you into an unnecessary line of fire?

They don’t need to justify to any candidate their reasons for hiring someone with qualifications and NO controversial past. This isn’t a court of law with subpoena driven exposure.

Anyone who has known you during your 4 YEARS, not 4 months, of solid, conscientious and drama-free service will consider your report carefully, and those who don’t know you will consult with those who do.

Unless you believe that someone in your firm would be deliberately out to harm you, trust that privacy is highly valued in all matters, but especially ones like this, and any misuse of such confidential information would reflect on the misuser—and everyone knows this.

Use these ideas to talk yourself down from high intensity spinning. Consider using your firm’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to reach a confidential counselor who is trained in this area. Understand that all issues that impact one’s livelihood are especially charged, and so fear and anxiety are natural results. None of this makes you weak or wrong.

Don’t assign bad motives to those who’ve given you no reason to mistrust them. Think of yourself as brave, and trust that you will build confidence from this experience.

Decide to be PROUD of yourself even while you feel triggered and vulnerable. You did the right thing, and that’s something to value about yourself, not torture yourself over.

Head high, Alex.

Thank you. I do feel vulnerable and that's making me feel such unease. I know I did the right thing, but it also feels like the wrong thing. It's hard to know. How can you feel so bad for doing the right thing?

I trust the woman I gave the information to. But at the same time is she only out for herself? Making sure she doesn't get a crappy boss and using me to do it? I keep running over scenarios in my head. I am punishing myself. I feel depressed,vulnerable, horrible. I can't find joy. I'm losing my happy, nice self. I hate this. I just want it to be over and I want to be away from this. 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Thank you. I do feel vulnerable and that's making me feel such unease. I know I did the right thing, but it also feels like the wrong thing. It's hard to know. How can you feel so bad for doing the right thing?

I trust the woman I gave the information to. But at the same time is she only out for herself? Making sure she doesn't get a crappy boss and using me to do it? I keep running over scenarios in my head. I am punishing myself. I feel depressed,vulnerable, horrible. I can't find joy. I'm losing my happy, nice self. I hate this. I just want it to be over and I want to be away from this. 

Everything is temporary. No need to burden yourself with your supervisor’s motives, since enlightened self interest is a perfectly valid position for her to take. She’s not a private therapist and has a wider scope of responsibility to consider than you alone.

This doesn’t discount her sincerity, but she doesn’t have the training or the position to coach you away from ruminating yourself into a self destructive hole. That’s your job, and it’s the reason why you might reconsider replying to every encouraging post with a demonstration of the kind of self talk that only spins you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Instead, why not show us—and yourself— your capabilities for building a case FOR yourself, your professional history with this company, and your perfectly reasonable intentions for trying to protect yourself, your coworkers and your company?

Instead of drilling yourself downward, drill UP. Resilience is a crucial life skill, and it can be self taught. Make it your goal to surprise yourself with your untapped talent in this area. Adopt a lens that is self respectful, competent and patient.

Recognize that our private crises are exactly that, and how we opt to handle them, as well as the language we use in our own self talk can make or break our confidence as we navigate forward.

Ise this as an opportunity to build yours.

[MissCanuck]

What do you fear could happen, OP? 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you fear could happen, OP? 

That colleagues could see me as unprofessional, dramatic, a liar, untrustworthy, gossiper. And no one will trust or like me. I'll build a negative reputation for myself. That I'll be pushed out of the company because of this. 

[Seraphim]

Okay, two things can happen, 

1. He won’t get hired and life carries on and it is yesterday’s news. 
 

2. He does get hired ( no probably unlikely) and you find something else and life carries on. 
 

Two most likely scenarios.  

[Seraphim]

In the military scenario I mentioned I faced jail and court marshall myself if I was found to be lying. I prevailed. You will too. Within a few weeks no one cared and life carried on .