Am I remaining professional?

[Batya33]

I was in a situation in my early 20s where it would have been so much easier if I'd known in advance not to accept a certain job offer because of a toxic work environment.  If someone like you had shared information I most likely wouldn't have accepted the offer.  I did accept.  I was extremely lucky in a way - I actually got very sick and hospitalized with a medical condition on day three of the job.  Coincidence.  Typically Iwas a very healthy person.  I was able to get out of my commitment based on the medical condition.  But if that hadn't happened - oh my goodness.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Making sure she doesn't get a crappy boss and using me to do it?

Before they do anything they will check all his references, etc. If they believe he is unqualified they won't hire him, they don't need your statement. If you are this concerned, search for a free consult with a labor lawyer and see if there are even possible ramifications of putting this in writing. That might help you relax. Labor law is too complicated an issue to just worry all over the place about. Your job is probably safe. Perhaps this is a sign that it's time to get help with anxiety. 

[Seraphim]

Correct, you need help with anxiety OP. Right now you are in a crisis if you are not functional . This is not a criticism as I have been there before. 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Correct, you need help with anxiety OP. Right now you are in a crisis if you are not functional . This is not a criticism as I have been there before. 

I agree with you. I know I am and I hate it. I'm extremely afraid my career is ruined. That's a huge burden to carry. 

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I agree with you. I know I am and I hate it. I'm extremely afraid my career is ruined. That's a huge burden to carry. 

You know there are mental health crisis lines and there is always the ER if this is not something you can handle. I would recommend calling a crisis line . 

[Alex39]

28 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You know there are mental health crisis lines and there is always the ER if this is not something you can handle. I would recommend calling a crisis line . 

I've calmed down a bit. I talked to a trusted colleague who has worked here for 20 years and she assured me that I'm probably fine. She told me a secret story about an employee she knows about who sexually harassed a woman at work. The woman didn't pursue it and eventually left. But the guy still works with us and has been heavily promoted and  I was shocked. She told me nothing could be worse than that. 

 

I'm still freaked out and I regret what I did. But all I can do is pray it blows over. I feel foolish feeling such emotion over it. 

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better!

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I've calmed down a bit. I talked to a trusted colleague who has worked here for 20 years and she assured me that I'm probably fine. She told me a secret story about an employee she knows about who sexually harassed a woman at work. The woman didn't pursue it and eventually left. But the guy still works with us and has been heavily promoted and  I was shocked. She told me nothing could be worse than that. 

 

I'm still freaked out and I regret what I did. But all I can do is pray it blows over. I feel foolish feeling such emotion over it. 

Please don't confide in any more coworkers.  You just don't know who may go running to tell stories, even if you think you can trust them.

If you need immediate support, call a hotline, call your therapist's emergency number or if it's less severe, call a trusted friend or family member who does NOT work where you work.  There is no need to dig a bigger hole at your workplace.

That being said, please try to calm down.  Did you read the story I wrote on this thread about when I reported the Ops manager who ended up being my manager a few months later?  We ended up having a terrific work relationship.  He even helped me get a big raise/promotion.

Please reach out for help if you are still in crisis.  But not to someone at work unless there's a confidential employee hotline.

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't confide in any more coworkers.  You just don't know who may go running to tell stories, even if you think you can trust them.

If you need immediate support, call a hotline, call your therapist's emergency number or if it's less severe, call a trusted friend or family member who does NOT work where you work.  There is no need to dig a bigger hole at your workplace.

That being said, please try to calm down.  Did you read the story I wrote on this thread about when I reported the Ops manager who ended up being my manager a few months later?  We ended up having a terrific work relationship.  He even helped me get a big raise/promotion.

Please reach out for help if you are still in crisis.  But not to someone at work unless there's a confidential employee hotline.

I know. I honestly feel so dumb. I wish I never told that original woman my story and her type it up and send it anonymously. I was naive and felt pressured. I should have just let it be and if he got the job then I could have dealt with it then. 

I'm still so afraid that something will happen to me from this. I should have never done this. I'm so scared and anxiety ridden. I have such regret. Do you think I made a huge mistake and this will come back to me?

[boltnrun]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I know. I honestly feel so dumb. I wish I never told that original woman my story and her type it up and send it anonymously. I was naive and felt pressured. I should have just let it be and if he got the job then I could have dealt with it then. 

I'm still so afraid that something will happen to me from this. I should have never done this. I'm so scared and anxiety ridden. 

Are you going to contact someone to ask for help?  Your fear and anxiety seem debilitating if you're unable to even face going to work, or if you can't eat and can't sleep.

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you going to contact someone to ask for help?  Your fear and anxiety seem debilitating if you're unable to even face going to work, or if you can't eat and can't sleep.

I contacted my therapist. She takes a few days sometimes to get back to you. 

I'm so paranoid that I'll be seen as unprofessional or petty or dramatic. What if I get in trouble? I can't stand others not liking me and especially at work people thinking you are a liability and people not trusting me to do my job professionally. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I contacted my therapist. She takes a few days sometimes to get back to you. 

I'm so paranoid that I'll be seen as unprofessional or petty or dramatic. What if I get in trouble? I can't stand others not liking me and especially at work people thinking you are a liability and people not trusting me to do my job professionally. 

I presume you have the weekend off.  Please try to find some support.  You don't need to spend the weekend full of anxiety and fear and getting yourself so worked up you can't even go in on Monday.

Does your therapist have an emergency line you can call?

[Seraphim]

You NEED to call a crisis line . 

[greendots]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Anyone who has known you during your 4 YEARS, not 4 months, of solid, conscientious and drama-free service will consider your report carefully, and those who don’t know you will consult with those who do.

Unless you believe that someone in your firm would be deliberately out to harm you, trust that privacy is highly valued in all matters, but especially ones like this, and any misuse of such confidential information would reflect on the misuser—and everyone knows this.

Please let what catfeeder and other posters stated sink in.

Alex, you did what is best for the company. You voiced a genuine concern about a potential hire for a very important role in a professional manner. Which is, honestly, admirable, as many would not dare to speak up in a similar situation. If this company is worth their salt, HR / Recruitment will take your concern seriously and investigate.

Remember that big fish are generally vetted before they're hired–not just by HR / Recruitment but by the ultimate decision makers. This role isn't middle management or below.

You've done your part. All you can do now is wait. In the meantime, I hope you'll get to unpack your ongoing anxiety in therapy very soon and find some coping mechanisms.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. I talked to a trusted colleague who has worked here for 20 years and she assured me that I'm probably fine. 

Try to relax. What's done is done. All you can do now is focus on damage control. That means stop talking to everyone at work about this looking for reassurance. Go to work Monday and just get back to work rather than talking to more co-workers about it. That's all you can do at this point. If you want to talk to someone about it talk to people outside of work. Especially a labor attorney for accurate information about if there's even anything to worry about and a physician to get more acute and consistent treatment for the anxiety. Living from crisis to crisis is starting to get to you. Let the dust settle. Try not to get any more co-workers involved in this. Silence is golden right now.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

I hope you're feeling better this weekend (deleted content also)

[Alex39]

Feeling better. A lot of my friends think I'm brave for saying something. I'm still a bit scared.  But not freaking out anymore. 

I have to live with it. Still a bit scared to show my face. I am embarrassed and don't want people knowing it was me and I know a few probably do. Should I be afraid of bigger ramifications here? Do I have to worry about a lawsuit? My truth was what I experienced and witnessed, and two others experienced it too. We were only a 7 person office.  But I don't know if there would be enough proof. My old colleague from that office says it's good I told them what he was like. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Feeling better. A lot of my friends think I'm brave for saying something. I'm still a bit scared.  But not freaking out anymore. 

I have to live with it. Still a bit scared to show my face. I am embarrassed and don't want people knowing it was me and I know a few probably do. Should I be afraid of bigger ramifications here? Do I have to worry about a lawsuit? My truth was what I experienced and witnessed, and two others experienced it too. We were only a 7 person office.  But I don't know if there would be enough proof. My old colleague from that office says it's good I told them what he was like. 

 

 

You are in a rumination loop.  You say you feel better, then you repeat the same fears.  

Have you reached out for professional help at all?  Not calling your therapist's exchange but actually talking to a professional?

I wonder if you'll go right back to panic attack mode once Sunday evening comes along.  I hope for your sake you don't.  But please get some support if you feel the panic coming on.

[Seraphim]

Yes, you have to get out of the ruminating. Like I said call a crisis line . 

[Alex39]

There are many layers to my fear

1. I feel like I made a mistake and am beating myself up for being naive. 

2. I am afraid I'll face trouble at work or with this man

3. I feel like my reputation at work is ruined

4. I'm embarrassed if others don't like me or trust me

5. I'm afraid of this man getting the job or having to face him

6. I'm anxious and depressed

So yeah I'm freaking out a hit. 

[Seraphim]

Yes, you keep repeating , so now you need to do something about it. Call a crisis line. Repeating the same things over and over won’t fix it . 

[MissCanuck]

Alex, you need to step away from the computer and actually do something about your anxiety. 

[Tinydance]

OK, well first things first. What you did has been done and you actually can't change it. Whether what you did was good or bad, right or wrong, I think the best thing to do is accept that you did it and do your best to calm down. I can't remember if you've mentioned it before but do you still see a therapist? If not then I think it's probably a good idea to see one. You have very bad anxiety and you also have PTSD which has obviously been triggered. I think you might need to get therapy to try to work through this.

Also there are meditation type phone apps you could try to help you relax. 

One thing I recommend is don't speak to any more colleagues about this at all. The letter you wrote was anonymous and I think it's probably best if you stay anonymous. I really don't think it's a good idea to tell colleagues about this because then you actually reveal who you are and what you did. People can gossip so that colleague might tell other people.

So if your old boss got the job, would he actually be your direct manager? Like, you would be reporting to him? I didn't quite catch that part.

Personally I probably wouldn't have said anything about him if he wasn't going to be your direct manager. I understand seeing him again was going to be hard but maybe you could have tried to just keep your distance.

The only issue I see here is if his references are good and he's never had any complaints about him anywhere else, it's his word against yours unfortunately. Also to be perfectly fair, if there were actually any women at your old work that had an affair with him, THEY actually chose to do that. And if some attractive young women knew he was hitting on them and that's why they got a promotion, they knew why as well. I'm not saying he's not a bad guy but what I'm saying is if he flirted with a woman and then she got a promotion and she didn't complain or anything, it's possible he never got in trouble for any of these behaviours.

At work I think it's best not to say anything about anyone, especially higher management. I don't necessarily think he will see your letter and besides it's anonymous. I'm not sure if your letter means they won't interview him at all. Or if they still will interview him if they don't have many applicants. I suppose if they interview him and they don't have many other options they may give him a job if all his references are good. But hopefully that won't actually happen.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

There are many layers to my fear

1. I feel like I made a mistake and am beating myself up for being naive. 

2. I am afraid I'll face trouble at work or with this man

3. I feel like my reputation at work is ruined

4. I'm embarrassed if others don't like me or trust me

5. I'm afraid of this man getting the job or having to face him

6. I'm anxious and depressed

So yeah I'm freaking out a hit. 

You're on a repetitive anxiety loop with intrusive, catastrophic thoughts.  That can't be handled by just wishing it away.

You can't go back and undo what you already did.  So, what can you do?  Contact your therapist's emergency line and tell them you're in crisis. Call a crisis hotline.  Go to a mental health ER (yes, those do exist!).

In all of your repetitive posts I haven't seen one time that you've contacted any kind of emergency services.  Why won't you?

[Alex39]

Do you really think this will all blow over?