Should I ask him if we can be friends?

[Cupcakexox]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because you are hoping he wants more. He was clear that he doesnt, it was just sex for him. 

And you secretly wanting to be friends(probably with benefits) wont change the fact that he just doesnt want what you are offering. Sorry, but I dont think its beneficial for you to pursue him again. Even as a friend. Find somebody else to talk, that guy just doesnt care enough aside of sex and you would be stuck there as a sex friend.

You think I don't understand that all he wanted was sex? You're assuming that I want him to want more. Just because I'm saying I'd like to talk to him doesn't mean I want him to want more. I know him talking to me today doesn't mean he wants more. He was being nice to me even after I went off on him and I appreciate that. He could have told me to f*** off after the things I said to him. 

[JoyfulCompany]

1 hour ago, Cupcakexox said:

How does friendship require a commitment?

It just does, at least real friendship. It takes time and emotional resources. Me and my friends spend time together, check on each other, support each other in difficult times, share personal stuff and closeness.

49 minutes ago, Cupcakexox said:

So I don't see why we can't talk on the phone once a week. 

How would you feel if, when talking once a week, he mentions he's seeing someone else or sleeping with someone else? Because friends do that. If you see no problem with it, then go ahead and suggest maintaining a friendship.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

I just want to apologize to him in person for going off on him. And I want to tell him that I appreciate him for listening to me even though I was rude to him. And that I would like for us to talk from time to time not everyday. But maybe once a week just see how each of us is doing. I talk to other men but I would like for us to continue talking. I like talking to him and once he told me he enjoyed my company. So I don't see why we can't talk on the phone once a week. 

You can if you want to hear about the other women he would like to date or is dating - because that is what friends talk about in addition to other topics. I have a male platonic friend who is single but started dating someone a couple of months ago.  When we chat he tells me about the different activities they do and restaurants they go to, road trips they are planning.  

He is not too busy to date a person he wants to date.  I only dated extremely busy men while I was extremely busy and we made time to date because we wanted to date each other.  He had time to have intercourse with you so he is not too busy to make a plan to go out in public on a date with you or with anyone.  He told you he hadn't been on a date in a long while.  That doesn't mean he hadn't pursued other women to date (maybe they said no), doesn't mean he doesn't have a social life where he meets women, goes out dancing, maybe hooks up, etc.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

You think I don't understand that all he wanted was sex? You're assuming that I want him to want more. Just because I'm saying I'd like to talk to him doesn't mean I want him to want more. I know him talking to me today doesn't mean he wants more. He was being nice to me even after I went off on him and I appreciate that. He could have told me to f*** off after the things I said to him. 

Why do you want of all people to be friends with someone who had sex with you and who you wanted to date but didn't want to date you? And again do you like him so much as a friend that you want to chat about his sexual activity with other people and his dating life? Are you going to be supportive when he asks you for advice as to how to ask out a woman he likes and what activities to plan? Will you suggest the best romantic restaurant he should take her to and will you love seeing photos of their dinner and the flowers he brought her on social media?

[Coily]

You have been acquaintance zoned.

It is not worth the effort or energy to keep this guy in your life. Better to enjoy that moment, and look for more worthwhile fields.

[smackie9]

Why come here and argue with us? Obviously you already have it in your mind to apologize and ask if he would be ok if you can be friends. Go ahead do it, see where it takes you. You don't need anyone's blessing here. 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and about the accident. 

I think you're better off leaning on your friends and family or even posting here, talking it out with the forum.

For whatever reason, he's not being a friend to you.  He's being selfish, so you are more than likely setting yourself up to be hurt further by this guy. 

He gave you a line to be free of you. Let him be free. At least he said something instead of using you for sex. 

As harsh as that may be, it's a reflection of him. Not you.  You can find someone that's got more to offer.  This guy is a time waster 

[Cupcakexox]

26 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why come here and argue with us? Obviously you already have it in your mind to apologize and ask if he would be ok if you can be friends. Go ahead do it, see where it takes you. You don't need anyone's blessing here. 

Why are people telling me it's a bad idea? And constantly making assumptions about what will happen? How do they know what will happen? When they don't even know the guy personally?

[Cupcakexox]

28 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and about the accident. 

I think you're better off leaning on your friends and family or even posting here, talking it out with the forum.

For whatever reason, he's not being a friend to you.  He's being selfish, so you are more than likely setting yourself up to be hurt further by this guy. 

He gave you a line to be free of you. Let him be free. At least he said something instead of using you for sex. 

As harsh as that may be, it's a reflection of him. Not you.  You can find someone that's got more to offer.  This guy is a time waster 

He did talk to me when I called him about the accident he kept saying everything would be fine. And as long as I was ok. I really hate how things ended up being between us. Because talking to him is comforting when I'm having a difficult time. 

Like he could have told me all he wanted was sex from the start because he didn't want to date. I would have been ok being friends with benefits. I wish I could tell him how I felt in person about everything with the accident and just things in general. 

[boltnrun]

I'm fairly certain he would accept uncommitted sex. If that's what you are after and you're not secretly hoping having sex with him will make him want you for his girlfriend, then there's nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex.

Just be honest with yourself. If you're hoping he'll be so wowed by the sex he'll ask you to be his girlfriend, this is a dangerous path emotionally. If it wouldn't hurt you at all to hear about other women he's dating and/or having sex with and you're having him protect you by using condoms then, again, consenting adults.

A friend of mine had an alleged "FWB" with a man for years. After some time he decided he wanted to have a real love relationship. He didn't choose her. He ditched her and started dating a woman he introduced to his family and included in family events, things he never did with my friend. She was terribly hurt. Turns out it wasn't all about sex, at least not for her.

[Cherylyn]

NO.  ☹️

[Cupcakexox]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm fairly certain he would accept uncommitted sex. If that's what you are after and you're not secretly hoping having sex with him will make him want you for his girlfriend, then there's nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex.

Just be honest with yourself. If you're hoping he'll be so wowed by the sex he'll ask you to be his girlfriend, this is a dangerous path emotionally. If it wouldn't hurt you at all to hear about other women he's dating and/or having sex with and you're having him protect you by using condoms then, again, consenting adults.

A friend of mine had an alleged "FWB" with a man for years. After some time he decided he wanted to have a real love relationship. He didn't choose her. He ditched her and started dating a woman he introduced to his family and included in family events, things he never did with my friend. She was terribly hurt. Turns out it wasn't all about sex, at least not for her.

Before he and I had sex he hadn't dated in a long time. And he wasn't going to use a condom with me. But I had some and suggested it.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, Cupcakexox said:

Before he and I had sex he hadn't dated in a long time. And he wasn't going to use a condom with me. But I had some and suggested it.

How do you know?  Being a friend to him means being supportive when he tries to date women and dates them. Can you stomach hearing about that much less being supportive? That has nothing to do with him personally just the common sense definition of friendship.

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about the car accident and the rough spell in life. Hope you're starting to find some light at the end of all that. 

Here's a question: Why do you think you came here to pose this question to strangers rather than just reaching out to him? 

My hunch is that some part of you (a strong part of you!) knows it's not the best idea, that what you're hoping for here bares little to no relationship to genuine friendship. If a handful of internet strangers all said "Go for it!" you could have overridden the part of you that knows it's not a great idea—but, alas, the internet strangers have all uniformly noted that, no, not a great idea.

Which is frustrating, I get it. But on the other hand? It's a bunch of strangers agreeing with that strong piece of you that opted not to act impulsively but to figure out what's best for you and your spirit. Maybe if you see it from that angle you can pat yourself on the back and move onward and upward—away from this chapter with him and onto others that offer more of what you're seeking in life, be it genuine romance or genuine friendship.  

[Jaunty]

He likes you enough to have sex with you if he is desperately horny.  He doesn't "have time" for anything more because he is not interested enough.

He also is not your friend and the two of you have no basis for a friendship.   

If you're ok with last minute booty calls - that is what this guy has to offer you.  I hope you're not going to accept that.

[tattoobunnie]

9 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

Why not just say he doesn't like me then? 

Because he doesn't want you breaking his stuff.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

Why are people telling me it's a bad idea? And constantly making assumptions about what will happen? How do they know what will happen? When they don't even know the guy personally?

Aren't you also making assumptions about what will happen?

We can only go based on the information you have provided. And nothing you said suggests he would really want to stay friends in any genuine capacity. Your expectations of weekly phonecalls are not just realistic for a guy who had some casual sex with you and then broke it off. 

It would be best for you to work on letting go and not becoming overly-attached too quickly in the future. 

But since you have evidently already decided what to do, go for it. Just don't say we didn't try to warn you. 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

Before he and I had sex he hadn't dated in a long time. And he wasn't going to use a condom with me. But I had some and suggested it.

So he expected unprotected sex right off the bat? 

I would presume a man who wants unprotected sex with me is also having unprotected sex with others. You also mentioned oral, did you happen to have him wear a condom during that as well? If not you did have unprotected sex with him.

Yes, I know he said he hadn't "dated" in a long time but hookups aren't considered dating. 

I hope you aren't going into this thinking giving him sex will make him want a committed relationship.

[moodindigo91]

You come off as kind of a pushover OP. And also as kind of desperate. I'm sorry to hear about your rough spell, but this guy isn't going to make it any better. I would be running in the opposite direction from this guy if I were you, possibly into some counseling to work on your self-worth. 

Sounds like he just wanted a one night stand or maybe some casual sex with you and that's it. The second you suggested anything more serious he decided to end the connection. You were just a sexual experience to him. That sucks to hear, but it's just a fact that you need to accept and move on from. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Cupcakexox said:

Why are people telling me it's a bad idea? And constantly making assumptions about what will happen? How do they know what will happen? When they don't even know the guy personally?

What do you expect when you ask things on an anonymous message board?  Nobody knows the guy personally, or you, for that matter.  We can make assumptions based on your posts.  That's the best we can offer.  If you need more, get the fellow to go to couples' counseling with you so he can speak for himself.

[HeartGoesOn]

Rather than snapping at people, why not listen to what you don't want to hear, vs what you do want to hear.

Why not start by raising your value, as it could very well lead you to start singing a different tune?

[SooSad33]

On 10/18/2022 at 3:13 AM, JoyfulCompany said:

He's okay with sex but not with more than that. Friendship requires more commitment.

Exactly.  Many guys will gladly take the sex, but don't expect anything more.

 

On 10/18/2022 at 3:18 AM, Cupcakexox said:

I'm honestly surprised he even answered after I called him a liar and all kinds of things.

Not sure how long you two dated- but yeah, I can see him a little bothered by this response he got from you.

I don't think he'll accept you as a 'true friend'.  In time, he'll most likely distance himself , reply less, etc.  So be prepared. ( also, you two crossed that line of 'friendship', and guys often seek a woman out for one thing sex/dating- is not so easy to be 'just friends', unless you simply do not see them that way- YOU did).

 

You let him know when you'll drop by to pick it up - and ask him to leave it outside for you.

On 10/18/2022 at 3:46 AM, Cupcakexox said:

Which is what I'm going to go pick up.

[Cupcakexox]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Exactly.  Many guys will gladly take the sex, but don't expect anything more.

 

Not sure how long you two dated- but yeah, I can see him a little bothered by this response he got from you.

I don't think he'll accept you as a 'true friend'.  In time, he'll most likely distance himself , reply less, etc.  So be prepared. ( also, you two crossed that line of 'friendship', and guys often seek a woman out for one thing sex/dating- is not so easy to be 'just friends', unless you simply do not see them that way- YOU did).

 

You let him know when you'll drop by to pick it up - and ask him to leave it outside for you.

Yes, I was wrong for going off on him like I did. But I did leave a voicemail apologizing for that. How do you know he will never accept me as a true friend? Just because we had sex doesn't mean we can't be friends. I've had sex with another guy and he and I are friends. I don't get why people think that changes things. There are people who have slept together and are friends. Sleeping with someone doesn't automatically mean you can't be friends.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cupcakexox said:

Yes, I was wrong for going off on him like I did. But I did leave a voicemail apologizing for that. How do you know he will never accept me as a true friend? Just because we had sex doesn't mean we can't be friends. I've had sex with another guy and he and I are friends. I don't get why people think that changes things. There are people who have slept together and are friends. Sleeping with someone doesn't automatically mean you can't be friends.

You can be if you would be supportive of his pursuit of other women, having sex with and dating other women, and be open to being friendly with his serious girlfriends/ women he is dating.  It changes things if one of the persons is still very attracted to the other and wants more than friendship - then you can't be friends -perhaps friendly acquaintances. 

It doesn't automatically mean it. 

But in your situation you are telling yourself lies about how he doesn't intend to date anyone right now or sleep with anyone right now so you don't have to worry about whether that would bother you and whether you could be supportive of him doing so.  So in your situation I think it's a really bad idea because you still want to be with him and you're lying to yourself if you think he doesn't plan on hooking up with and/or dating and or starting a serious relationship with another woman/women.  

I have been and am friendly with men I had sex with (all within serious relationships -I never had casual sex).  One I am still in touch with and friendly with is actually married now to a man.  I don't want to be with him in that way, I would love to meet his husband some day if they come to my city, I am thrilled he found the love of his life.  He has met my husband, they got along very well, and he and I are friendly within facebook and his parents remember me too!

I stayed friends with my serious ex boyfriend for about 3 years after we broke up.  Now we're just linked in on linked in .Haven't spoken to him since 2008.  He got married in 2008 and once he started dating his future wife I wanted her to feel 100% comfortable so I faded out.  She and I have mutual friends on Facebook, she and I met once and got along very nicely, and it's all good. 

[Jaunty]

What would be the basis of a friendship between the two of you?   You've told us that he likes your blowjobs.  What else would draw you together?

Seriously, the term "just friends" when used regarding someone that you are not interested in dating does not  really mean that there is a friendship.  It means that if you find yourself in the same place at the same time that you can be cordial and maybe have a few laughs;  you won't need to try to avoid each other and it won't be too awkward.

A real friendship takes chemistry and commitment.