my gf refuses to spend time with me

[sympathetictom]

My gf(22) and i (bf 25) , have been together for 4 months. Even tho i have made it clear that i want a serious commited relationship i dont see her doing much from her part. Ive been so madly in love with her i cant put it into words . I just cant stop thinking about her. Even when im at work i catch my self daydreaming. She is the first woman ever that has ever made me feel this way despite my past 4 and 5 year relationships. She is the girl i always dreamed of.
But the problem is that we only hung out once a week. She claims that shes too busy with her Uni, as she spends most of her time there, then she goes back home to study or hits the gym or goes for Tennis practice , or attends a local animal shetler she volunteers. Even after shes done with classes and i suggest to pick her up with my car to leave her home or go for a small ride she says "you dont have to" or "im too tired"  when i feel the same way most of the times after work but still make the most effort.
We talk on a regular basis on the phone or via text, especially at night when shes done with everything, and thats it. Maybe im able to see her during the week-end and then i wait eagerly to see her again. We have also not been romantically involved ever before as a couple and i kinda want to initiate that.
Im getting really frustrated and passive aggresive sometimes, because when you love someone you always find some spare time just to see them.

We had a small conflict the other day because out of nowhere she told me that she is looking forward to study abroad for Masters. Even tho she claims that she cares and loves me , i feel like she is been too selfish for taking such radical decisions all by her self with out letting me voice an opinion on that.

Relationships usually involve two people, and ones decision might impact the others.

I feel like she takes me for granted bc im not like the other guys that are into partying, drinking ,hooking up , making a load of friends . Im really chill and introverted. Ill cook for her ,ill make sure shes alright, ill do anything to appease her

[Batya33]

I think you're acting too needy and overeager around her and also I suspect she's just not that into you and feeling suffocated by all your attention - obviously it's a vicious cycle -she's not that into you -yet- and then you cling more. "Doing anything to appease her" sounds like too much too soon and painting other men in such a negative light doesn't really make sense.  It's simply not true and doesn't "prove" anything.  Especially if she's not that into you.

I would tell her you understand she's really busy now and doesn't want to make time more than once a week. Tell her that's not good for you for long term even though it might be for someone else.

I think you're thinking about her all the time because she's a challenge and unavailable and distant.  

[Kwothe28]

I think more correct term is "doesnt make you a priority". 

Which happens when one side is not that into you. She probably needs somebody "just to have somebody" and pass time. Has other obligations, wants to study abroad and you are just not a prority there. And just a somebody to be there for her until she moves on with her life. Cold from her? Yes. But something that you need to accept as it is who she is and how she treats you. You are not a priority because, well, you just arent that. If you are, she would try to spend more time with you. You are just a passing station on her way to final destination.

In a situation like that, for you its best to move away from that. You are infatuated by her and have feelings. I am afraid you wont get the same level of commitment and range of emotions from her. As she is just there to be there. So for you its the best to say Goodbyes now and search for somebody who can and will make you a priority and where you will be the final destination.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, sympathetictom said:

She is the girl i always dreamed of.

Not when she doesn't treat you as a priority.

She's shown you who she is. A busy woman with plenty of interests (naturally at her age) and not ready for a fully committed relationship.

It's up to YOU to realize this and leave. No need for discussion as her actions speak louder than her words. It takes strength to leave someeone you thought to have a future with, but it's part of life. When one door closes, another one opens. Trust that better is yet to come. It's time to find someone who wants the same things as you.

And please, take things more slowly with your emotions. You can't be madly in love with someone just within 4 months. You need to guard your heart a bit. Try to understand who this person is while you open up more and more. The more you know about this person, trust them, ect. The more you warm up to them.

[JohnLee]

 I think you are too needy and too anxious in a relationship and that is a turn off for women. I usually act the same way even though I know it is wrong. You need to have your own hobbies, interests, and hang out with other people. Meditation helps too. Infatuation is like a drug and you are in a stage that you are not thinking straight. She is not that perfect, I guarantee you. Everyone thinks their spouse is perfect when they first met. Half will end up divorce and half of the remainder are unhappy but stayed together anyway. When she is not too suffocated she may like you more. 

At 22, I don't see that she will settle with you or marry you. She has just started her life.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, sympathetictom said:

Im getting really frustrated and passive aggresive sometimes, because when you love someone you always find some spare time just to see them.

 

1 hour ago, sympathetictom said:

Even tho she claims that she cares and loves me , i feel like she is been too selfish for taking such radical decisions all by her self with out letting me voice an opinion on that.

 

1 hour ago, sympathetictom said:

Im really chill and introverted. Ill cook for her ,ill make sure shes alright, ill do anything to appease her

I'm sorry for what I'm about to say as it might come off as harsh. 

You have only been with this girl (woman) for 4 months. She is only 22 and seems to be extremely focused on her career, and reasonably so. You say you made it clear you wanted a committed relationship, is that something she expressed agreement to? Did you ask her what she wanted? 

Also, after only 4 months, are you sure you "love" each other? You sound infatuated for sure. 

Even if so, I don't agree that "when you love someone you always find some spare time just to see them." People are not required to give up their individuality or their time just by virtue of loving others. In fact, if YOU love HER, you should be willing to give her the time and space she needs to accomplish her goals, finish university, etc., instead of demanding her time and taking away from activities that are actually beneficial to her like exercising. 

I also think that, after only 4 months, and without any form of solid commitment such as marriage, she is perfectly within reason to contemplate studying abroad. She can make decisions about her own life "all by her self" because it's HER life. You can voice your opinion all you want, she still has the right to make decisions regarding her own life. You barely know this woman. It is my guess that studying abroad has been something she's wanted to do for longer than she's even known you. Why would you take that away from her? 

It doesn't seem to me like you have good chemistry with this woman. 

[smackie9]

Sorry but when she keeps saying "Busy" that your cue that she's not interested in launching this into a romantic relationship. You sound so in the friends zone.

[Cherylyn]

Her current life's schedule is packed.  She doesn't have as much time and energy as you do.  It's time to part ways because her plans are to continue with her Master's abroad and then both of you will have too much absence which does not make the heart grow fonder.  ☹️

Choose a woman who is similar to your stage in life with more time and energy for a relationship.  Someone who is not at uni, doesn't volunteer nor has plans to live abroad.  A woman of this type will have more time and energy for you more than once a week.  Remain realistic. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sympathetictom said:

We have also not been romantically involved ever before as a couple and i kinda want to initiate that.

 Does she live at home? It's fine that you are this smitten, but she is ambitious and needs to follow her dreams. At 16 weeks dating she does not have to confer with you regarding her future and education.

Do you mean you two have not have sex yet? It sounds like you are overinvolved and she is busy with school and more elevated pursuits than just dating, sex, etc.. It sounds like you are incompatible.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

She's shown you who she is. A busy woman with plenty of interests (naturally at her age) and not ready for a fully committed relationship.

I think many many people with plenty of interests are ready for a fully committed relationships and in fact often they're much better suited because they're great at making time, making priorities, shifting schedules etc.

  I think either she's not into him or she has made the decision that a fully committed relationship is not one of her interests or priorities which is normal.  I can't think of a more elevated pursuit actually than developing and maintaining a fully committed relationship but yes I can see prioritizing one's education and future career over casual dating and hooking up.  He wants the full deal though -not just casual.

  Either way he is too full on and wayyy too much at her beck and call -a particular turn off for a woman with a busy, fun, fulfilling life.  . 

[catfeeder]

You can't change her, so you'll just need to decide whether to hold out for someone else to meet your standards of a good relationship, OR, modify those in order to orbit this busy woman.

Those are your choices, and nobody here can make that choice for you.

Head high.

[SooSad33]

On 10/12/2022 at 11:30 AM, sympathetictom said:

But the problem is that we only hung out once a week. She claims that shes too busy with her Uni, as she spends most of her time there, then she goes back home to study or hits the gym or goes for Tennis practice , or attends a local animal shetler she volunteers.

Hey, at least you do get to see her once a week.

She is still allowed to have a life outside this relationship.  Worst thing is to end up with regrets, where we lose ourselves 😕 .

 

On 10/12/2022 at 11:30 AM, sympathetictom said:

We had a small conflict the other day because out of nowhere she told me that she is looking forward to study abroad for Masters. Even tho she claims that she cares and loves me , i feel like she is been too selfish for taking such radical decisions all by her self with out letting me voice an opinion on that.

No, you have no say in this!  Its not like you've been dating for 2+ years or something.  Has only been 4 months.  This is HER choice and right.

 

On 10/12/2022 at 11:30 AM, sympathetictom said:

I feel like she takes me for granted bc im not like the other guys that are into partying, drinking ,hooking up , making a load of friends .

If this is how she is and you're not, maybe you two are just not a good fit after all 😕 . sry.

 

Sounds like you're not feeling wanted in this and is best to back off now- before you get too deeply affected- any more than you are now.

So, she can can keep on her partying & plans to leave in a few mos time...?

[Andrina]

It's great that she has her hobbies and interests outside of dating, as you should. However, most successful relationships have partnerships where there is a healthy balance of all parts of person's life. She chooses to go really heavy on all parts of her life that don't involve dating, making you feel jipped.

Most relationships evolve to deeper levels over time. Yours has stayed stagnant over a four month period.

The point of dating is to find someone who meets all of your major needs, and when you find they don't, it's time to bail.

Breakups are always emotional and upsetting, but see it as life experience under your belt that you learned from. The positive thing is that you will then be free to eventually find someone who actually matches you in how you like to date. Take care.

 

[Pepep]

You´re definately right, relationship involves two people. And let´s be honest, you´ve been the only one doing the work and that sucks. I would suggest telling her how you feel because communication is key. A similar thing happened between my boyfriend and I- we resolved it by talking about it and after I realized it wasn´t something I was doing intentionally, I apologized and after that acted on it. Seeing someone´s change in behaviour is more important than them actually apologizing so keep that in mind as well! You also said she suddenly metioned she´s excited to study abroad. You didn´t even discuss it with her? Doesn´t sound like she thinks this is a serious relationship then. Maybe you should not only discuss your feelings and how she hurt you with her behaviour, but also about where she thinks things are going, especially if she´s ready to go study abroad that easy, with no second thoughts, without even involving you in that decision or mentioning it beforehand. I can tell your feelings for her are stong, but one thing you need to really ask yourself (and her, for that matter) is, are hers?

[Lambert]

at 4 months in you're way more invested than she is.  And honestly, she's probably right to be excited to study abroad and see that dream come true over a guy that she doesn't really now. 

Love is possible at 4 months, but it's certainly not the same deep connected love of years together, of building a life and making decisions together because you share the same values and goals. 

Your version of love doesn't really sound like love. It sounds more like ownership, that you're owned something because "she loves me". 

Maybe you're not compatible. That definitely hurts and I'm sorry. sucks but you can't make someone want to spend more time with you.  You can decide that what she has to offer is enough and just live with it or you can decide what she offers is not enough for you. That would be the choice to tell her what your needs are and then she can step up or you can step out. 

It does suck but those are the choices.  You can't change a person but you can change the person.

[Kbtoys]

As others have mentioned, talk to her about your feelings and your intentions.  She is not a mind reader and she may not be ready to commit to anything serious as she has her whole life ahead of her.  If she isn’t making time for you, then why bother trying to hold onto a one person relationship.  You might just be a good friend to chat with when she has downtime so she can vent.  The conversation might reveal what she wants out of life or her expectations and they most likely won’t align with your expectations, but at least you won’t have to wonder and waste anymore time.  Good luck!