Fixing what’s broken versus moving on?

[Texas23]

Dated this girl for close to two years. For the most part it’s been fine, as any relationship there has been good and bad 

More recently due a variety of factors she said we should go on a break and then a few days later said we should be friends. She said she would be open to possibly getting back together but wants me to make changes in myself and it wouldn’t be immediate that we date again 

Another girl started liking me and wants to start dating. The confusion for me is the original girl and I still talk a bit, but not like when we were dating when we would call each other daily or FaceTime to plan to spend time together. Even though we are broken up I personally feel like I’m in this limbo stage where she is evaluating me for improvement… but I’m not sure how or if I will be able to prove myself to her. The whole situation honestly doesn’t make sense to me - either we work together to patch things up or we make a clean break and move on. I feel uneasy about this 

Part of me also wonders if I should just move on and open myself to this new girl, but I also feel guilty and conflicted. My friend said to just get to know this new girl and be patient and see how things go, but I don’t want to be unfair to anyone. Not sure what to do or how to seek clarity 

 

[boltnrun]

What changes is this "girl" working on?

Or are you the only one who has faults and needs to "change"?

[MissCanuck]

Why did you break up? What changes are you supposed to be working on?

I would not wait around for your ex, either way. She let you go, so you're a free agent now. However, I would also not pursue the new girl. You're not ready for it. Stay single a while, wait until you have healed from the break-up, then consider dating. 

Anything before that will crash and burn because you're not over your ex yet. 

[Texas23]

The changes in general were doing a better job of planning for a future together, being more emotionally available, prioritizing her and overall just being more confident in myself. 
 

it wasn’t one specific thing, it was honestly somewhat vague. I think the advice to not move quickly with the new girl is great, and I think it ultimately stems from not knowing where I’m at with the old girl. 
 

My fear is that I try to improve myself only to then find out she’s dating someone new anyway. I don’t want to lose her but I feel like my current situation with us talking but not really being together isn’t good for my mental health. It doesn’t let me move forward and it makes me wonder if we will get back together or not 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Texas23 said:

The changes in general were doing a better job of planning for a future together, being more emotionally available, prioritizing her and overall just being more confident in myself. 

These aren't changes you can work on when you're already broken up, OP. How can you prioritize her and plan for future with her when you're no longer together? That doesn't make any sense. You can't fix these issues when you're not a couple anymore. 

I think she doesn't know how to tell you it's really over, and is happy for you to keep her company until she meets the next guy she wants to date. I would cease contact with her. 

 

[Kwothe28]

There is nothing to think about Op

Your ex broke up with you with an excuse how you are not good enough and need to improve. But wants to keep you there in case something new doesnt work out for her and needs to get back to you.

New girl wants to get to know you and maybe start something with you.

In that "battle", new girl wins every time. Because new girl actually maybe wants to have something with you instead of keeping you there. And you are right, its not fair to her or anyone else new to keep your ex there. Get rid of the ex and see if you can work out with the new girl.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Texas23 said:

 or we make a clean break and move on. 

Sorry this happened. What are these changes you're supposed to make?

Only make clean breaks, not messy conditional manipulative ones like this.

Delete and block her. It's over if she wants an overhaul in order to be in a relationship.

Move forward because it's obvious you two weren't compatible and she's using "breaks" to try to fix and change you.

It doesn't make sense to you because it's all posturing to get you to change.

[Batya33]

The only types of changes I would be open to making in that sort of situation are the very concrete.  Like - within 6 months we will be engaged or you promise to move forward with (applying for X job/ to Y school), or you will decide within the next 6 months if you see yourself having a child with me.  Or even "you will be on time for our dates 90% of the time" "you will hire someone to clean out your clutter or commit to getting it out of the way by ___ date"

These vague trendy notions about "prioritizing" and emotional availability -bunch of word salad  - no real meaning, no examples.  And obviously can't be done while you're broken up.  Her "conditions" show she's not really committed to being with you again.  

[boltnrun]

So she's absolutely perfect and has nothing she needs to "work" on?

[smackie9]

Your relationship has run it's course. Go no contact. Start dating new people. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Texas23 said:

Part of me also wonders if I should just move on and open myself to this new girl

I'd do that. It would certainly be a 'change,' right?

I'd also drop my contact with the first one. If she's ever interested in reconciling with you, she'll have no problem catching up with you to let you know.

Remaining loyal under her superior tutelage would just make you look like a doormat and a fool, and that would NOT win the kind of respect that would attract her back.

[moodindigo91]

Move on. She dumped you. The fact that she's still chatting with you just shows how selfish she is and how much she doesn't care about you or your own healing/health. You have someone else whose actually interested in giving you time and energy and attention. Why would you pick the person who literally told you they don't want to give you any of that right now. Your ex is stringing you along. Cut the string. 

[Cherylyn]

Make a clean break and move on with your ex.  It's better to part ways with NC (no contact).  Request NC, wish her all the best and if she refuses to respect your wishes,  ghost,  block and delete her. 

Date the other woman.