I [25M] messed up with a good girl [22F]

[MSMT]

OK, so I [25] met this girl [22] three months ago and the spark was there instantly. I invited her for a date afterwards and it was a great summer, we clicked and could talk about anything. I could see that she’s head over heels into me. First, I was very attentive but after some time I started to have these moments on our dates when I just fell silent (I was still processing my family loss, I guess, I am better now) and she noticed this. At the end of August, she started studying (she’s a nurse and worked at hospital where my grandpa died in August, she knew him) so school and work both got into way. She had less time and we didn’t see each other for almost two weeks. This is where I ***ed up royally. I got drunk one night (couldn’t bear memories of grandpa) and kinda blamed her for not wanting to see me over text (she was on the night shift…) and that she has time for her friends (some of them male which I ofc didn’t forget to mention..) and not me. I must mention that after grandpa’s death I was under and I saw everything negatively and was paranoid, but that’s no excuse for this *** I pulled ofc.

She said that I should have say something earlier about me wanting to see her and that she’s seriously disappointed, didn’t expect this *** from me. She also mentioned that she noticed me being distrait and “not there” sometimes on our dates and that she doesn’t even know if I want her. Next morning I explained and apologized profusely. Man, I know it was short term relationship but I can’t stop blaming myself, because I am not like this, I get that she had important things to do, I would never do that again, especially now when I kinda processed my family loss and doing better. We sporadically made contact since then, sometimes it was her, sometimes me, she said she needed time to process this and that she was disappointed by what happened. Our last conversation a week ago was me asking her if she wants to talk in person. She replied yes, I asked when, she texted wait a minute and didn’t get back to me at all. I texted next day if she’s ok and she just texted “Yes 😂”.

Sorry, this post is a mess, I just poured all my thoughts here. I know I ***ed up badly and created this image of me being needy and childish but I was just down mentally. Is there a chance to fix this? Why did she agree to meet, then kinda ghosted me when I specifically said in that text that I will respect if she doesn’t want to see me again.

I know, I know, there are millions of women in the world. But I want to know if there’s a chance here, maybe if I kinda disappear? And sorry, English is not my first language.

tl;dr: I acted needy and childish with a girl because I had issues and now I miss her so much. Is there a chance to fix this? I feel guilty every day.

[Batya33]

I also ended a 2-3 month dating relationship that was great - until he chose to get drunk and acted like a jerk -worse than a jerk.  Ironically -his grandmother had passed away the week before but this was on New Years Eve in front of his parents- he was the only one drunk and got nastier and nastier to me.  Then apologized a day later (after blowing me off for brunch at his parents' home -they were lovely -my first time meeting them).  For me that type of drunken nasty behavior in a short term relationship was a total dealbreaker.  I realize other women might have let it go.  No regrets at all on my part.  

I know you feel like this was a one off.  She doesn't feel that way and/or she was already unhappy as she implied. Separately I know it's so hard and I'm sorry you're so upset.  You didn't just act needy and childish -the drunk and texts were beyond that IMO.  And I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather!

[MSMT]

I respect that. But unlike your guy I wouldn't call what I did nasty, more like sad. Which is still turn-off for many women of course. I'd never insulted her or something, even when I was drunk. Thanks for replying.

[smackie9]

No but I would call it someone who isn't really ready for a relationship just yet (you), and for her, she's a busy person and can't fulfill your expectations of availability. Bad timing and you can't make this right. Take a break. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MSMT said:

I acted needy and childish with a girl because I had issues and now I miss her so much. Is there a chance to fix this?

Let the dust settle. Just step back, let things cool off and revisit this at a later time. Try not to overexplain yourself. You apologized, now let time take it's course and try asking her for a nice date (not to talk) in a few weeks. If she ghosts again, well then all you can do is move forward.

[Coily]

Everyone makes mistakes, after an apology and willing to correct this less than stellar behavior; this is all in her hands. Respect her boundaries, and if she's done look at lessons to gain from this.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, MSMT said:

Is there a chance to fix this? Why did she agree to meet, then kinda ghosted me when I specifically said in that text that I will respect if she doesn’t want to see me again.

No, just no. In addition of you messing things up, she is "yanking your chains" and makes fun of you. There is no reconciliation there.

You are strikken with grief. You need  to get that under control first. If time doesnt help, would suggest grief counseling. After that, you would probably also forget about this one and could look at some other girl.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, MSMT said:

I started to have these moments on our dates when I just fell silent (I was still processing my family loss, I guess, I am better now) and she noticed this. At the end of August, she started studying (she’s a nurse and worked at hospital where my grandpa died in August, she knew him) so school and work both got into way. She had less time and we didn’t see each other for almost two weeks. This is where I ***ed up royally. I got drunk one night (couldn’t bear memories of grandpa) and kinda blamed her for not wanting to see me over text (she was on the night shift…) and that she has time for her friends (some of them male which I ofc didn’t forget to mention..)

As mentioned, you're most likely not ready for dating at this time.

You admitted you'd go silent with her.

Sounds like you two were just clashing 😕 .  Her, studying & working, you, dealing with a loss and seems like some jealousy as well. ( talking about her having male friends?) No good.

Yes, just back off and let the dust settle.  If all has failed, then so be it. Was only 3 months.

YOU continue to work through your grief and take it easy for a while.

 

[Cherylyn]

When both of you meet, be very humble and remorseful as you apologize profusely again.  However, don't expect miracles and be prepared for her not forgiving you. 

Whenever people observe another person's weakness whether it was poor judgement, lack of restraint, for example, drinking alcohol to excess, saying or writing something inappropriate,  it's considered a risky, stressful,  high maintenance relationship which most people refrain.  This is how to alienate others quickly.  It's universal human nature. 

Realistically, there is slim chance to fix this because trust had been irrevocably broken.  Trust meaning she doesn't trust that you won't mess up again.  Most people don't want to take further chances with you nor anyone for that matter. 

For people who have messed up with me,  I've ghosted and drifted apart to the point of estrangement.  It's bound to happen and the expected result.  No need to be shocked nor surprised. 

The problem is many people underestimate or dismiss inevitable harsh consequences.  This is why it's so important to be constantly very careful in how you conduct yourself and how you treat others.  If you're not conscientious all the time,  people are tested sorely and it will backfire as you can attest. 

All you can do is learn from your mistakes and become a better man in the future with or without her. 

To your credit, you are remorseful and apologized profusely.  99.9% of the people in my life would never apologize to me in a million years.  You're a good man for owning up to your mistakes and actually want to do the right thing which is very moral of you.  I commend you for being humble and emotionally intelligent.  I'm sorry for your loss.  😪

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MSMT said:

I respect that. But unlike your guy I wouldn't call what I did nasty, more like sad. Which is still turn-off for many women of course. I'd never insulted her or something, even when I was drunk. Thanks for replying.

It sounds like you hid behind a screen and typed unpleasant messages to her accusing her of stuff while you were drunk.  Not a good look and I totally understand you made a mistake in thinking you were ready to be present for someone in a positive way and your mind and heart were elsewhere.  She doesn't have to accept the excuse and often acting out after choosing to get drunk especially early on is a red flag.

[lostandhurt]

Time is your friend here so use it.

She is busy like you said so she isn't sitting around like you are fretting over a mistake.

Give her time to miss you and think about all of this.  In this situation the more you pick at the scab the worse it will get so let it go for a bit.  If you don't hear from her in a week then send her a text "I miss you, would you like to get something to eat and catch up?"

 No deep talks no rehashing things just reconnecting and see what happens.  If she agrees it will be all on her terms so if you are busy or working or whatever take the day off or time off and be available.  Don't be pushy, don't try and fix everything all at once just be there and keep it light and above all LISTEN to what she says and how she says it.

 If she ghosts you again then wait a bit longer and if she doesn't respond let it go.  You apologized already so she knows you are sorry.  Who knows one day you may run into her and sparks could fly once again. 

I know you want to fix this fast (typical male reaction) but you really need to let her come back to you.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

I think she was already losing interest and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

So while your message didn't help matters, I believe it was already heading toward the end. She is busy, yes, but even busy people find time to see or speak to the people who interest them most. Your message was unpleasant and uncalled-for ...but I also sense there was some truth in it- she was making time for others, and not for you. 

That should tell you something. I don't think reconciliation is in the cards here, and I also don't think your behaviour is the sole reason for that.