Break up...

[Chris21324]

Hello everyone,
A week ago my girlfriend of 2 years and 7 months broke up with me (i am 22 and she is almost 21). She said she didn’t feel it anymore and she missed me less than normal. Everything was perfect for 2 years and 5 months. There was much love and intimacy coming from both sides, we were both so happy with eachother and we never had big beef, small discussions of 15-30 minutes yes but no beef. But then it changed. We didnt see eachother for a long time (we had online contact) because of finals and separate vacations with our families and when both back she also got COVID. During those 2 COVID weeks it started changing. She told me she felt she was making evolution as a person the past 2 months, which is normal at 20 years old. She told me she was searching for herself a bit, searching what she wants. She now (since 2 weeks) has the urge to spend more time with friends (which she didn’t do when we were together, although i tried to make her see her friends more) and she also wants times just on her own. She says she can feel happy when she is alone for this moment. I am still in love with her, for me she feels like the one. She told me that she does not want that i keep hope to get back together because she does not want to keep hurting me and she still likes me as a person and doesnt want to lose me so she would like to stay friends. I know she loves me as a person, she told me explicitly. (maybe even more idk that but right now it is just repressed because of the situation and she wants to do everything correctly to not lose me entirely)

We both study at college and are in the same years and classes, so we see eachother almost daily. At this moment we don’t contact though. Should i keep no contact? Or should i act normal with her? We did talk yesterday just because i did not understand the reasons at first. What should i do now? Keep the contact? Or do a no contact for a while? Also now (6 days after the breakup) she sent me some pics of her dog, whom really liked me and i liked him too. I responded short. What do i do if she stays sending me stuff, do i tell her i am not ready to chat casual and i need some time to process all this so we could become friends? Do i tell her already now or do i wait till she sends something again?

I am in two minds right now. On the one hand i just want to be back together, because we had such great times, we were so much in love and we always felt happy with eachother. But on the other hand i don’t want to lose her completely and if we really can’t get back together, i want to be friends with her because we were quite literally also eachothers best friends. She also does not want to lose me completely. We both aren’t interested in someone else or something new, she explicitly told me that. I don’t really know how i should handle this whole situation. What do you think?

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

i want to be friends with her because we were quite literally also eachothers best friends.

Will you still want to be friends when she meets her next boyfriend? Because sooner or later, that day will come. And if the idea of that is devastating, you can't be friends with her. Maybe one day, when you're relatively indifferent about her dating, but not for a long time. 

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

What do i do if she stays sending me stuff, do i tell her i am not ready to chat casual

Yes. She is young and inexperienced with this, but she needs to understand that it's not fair to keep in touch right now when you're hurting. She is going to need to rely on her friends when she wants to share her thoughts or pics or whatever she's sending you. That needs to stop. 

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

Or do a no contact for a while?

Absolutely, yes. You need a period to process and adjust, and you won't be able to do so if you keep in contact with her. You won't be able to learn to live without her, which is going to be essential in this new chapter. 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's hard when the break-up isn't mutual, but it's also very normal when the relationship started at such a young age. You will be okay again, believe that. 

[Kwothe28]

Sadly, she is at the phase of "discovering herself" which is frequent for college. In that phase she doesnt need a boyfriend, she just wants to jump from flower to flower freely. So you dont fit into that picture. 

As you shouldnt wait for her to "discover herself", yes, keep no contact. She is free to explore whatever she wants. You are free not to be a part of that. Dont accept any messages from her, even dogo ones. No need for that. In time you should be able to accept that she is gone and move on. Sorry.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

We both study at college and are in the same years and classes, so we see eachother almost daily. 

Sorry this happened. However on some level you both know you've been over attached and over dependant on each other for too long and starting too young.

So in effect you were suffocating and stunting each other for fear of having your own lives, friends and interests.

Try not to use any get your ex back style tactics such as using no contact as a tool. 

It's difficult because you're in the same college and classes, but she wants space and room to grow.

Focus on more independence. That means making more friends. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some extra classes and courses, get some part-time work.

You'll both have to come out of your shells eventually. You can't just keep staying in a little bubble together using each other as security blankets.

 

[Batya33]

My sense is covid forced her to slow down and sit quietly with herself and then she knew things weren't right anymore.  She's using big words like "discover myself" so she doesn't bluntly say "I want to be free to socialize and potentially date others." 

My mom got married at age 21 and I know she discovered a lot about herself in the 62 years she was married and in the 5 years prior to that they dated/were engaged.  One of my nieces is in her mid 20s and a married mom of 3 - she is also working on discovering herself right now. 

I married at 42 and discovered a lot about myself and didn't need to look to date others or date others to do so. 

She wants to be back in the swing of things socially where she can answer to no one but herself and if some cute guy catches her eye she might consider flirting/dating without feeling like she's betraying you. 

People of all ages and stages of life outgrow relationships, realize it's not working.  I'm really sorry it hurts and avoiding contact is the best way to heal IMO.

[boltnrun]

If you see her walking around campus holding hands with a new boyfriend would you legitimately feel happy for her? Or would it feel like a knife going through your heart? If it would hurt you are not ready to be "friends".

Yes, do not contact her. And ask her to stop sending you messages. If she asks why, just let her know this is what you need for now. 

I'm sorry you're in pain.

This is a good time to get involved in all your school has to offer. There are so many events and activities. Sign up for some of them. Bonus is you'll meet new people. Eventually a cute girl in the hiking or music club or softball team you joined will catch your eye. 

[smackie9]

Relationships don't have to be bad to end...some just run their course. It's just life. Being so young, there's no forever just right now. Of course you want her back or hang onto her as a friend, that is what you feel now, but that will fade as you move on and you will eventually feel nothing for her. Hard to fathom but that is how it works. If she comes back, fine but you should cut contact, like ripping a band aid off. She has made her decision. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry about the breakup.  If it were me,  I'd respectfully request permanent NC (no contact).  If I were to see her in person,  since you both share same years and classes,  just act natural by saying,  "hello"  but keep it cool and don't interact anymore than that.  Remain polite,  well mannered and respectful but don't engage in minor chit chat.   Know how to keep a deliberate distance. 

If you have doubts going the friends route, tell her so.  Tell her exactly what you've said here about needing time to process the breakup before agreeing to maintaining friendship.  If it were me,  since you have hesitant doubts about becoming friends,  I wouldn't waste both of each others time and minds until you decide what to do.   Allow both of you to move on.   I'd tell her now.   Don't wait for a texting buddy or until she sends you something.  What is the point?

Friendship after breakup is awkward,  uncomfortable and deep within you,  you will constantly feel uneasy and uncomfortable and do you want to feel this way?   Once it's over,  it's really over.   Be done with it and go forward with your life. 

 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

But then it changed. We didnt see eachother for a long time (we had online contact) because of finals and separate vacations with our families and when both back she also got COVID. During those 2 COVID weeks it started changing. She told me she felt she was making evolution as a person the past 2 months, which is normal at 20 years old. She told me she was searching for herself a bit, searching what she wants. She now (since 2 weeks) has the urge to spend more time with friends (which she didn’t do when we were together, although i tried to make her see her friends more) and she also wants times just on her own. She says she can feel happy when she is alone for this moment. I am still in love with her, for me she feels like the one. She told me that she does not want that i keep hope to get back together because she does not want to keep hurting me and she still likes me as a person and doesnt want to lose me so she would like to stay friends.

 

Sounds like she has 'changed' and during your relationship she really missed all that she didn't have 😕 .. Her own life , like her friends etc.  One should never let it go this far...

 

13 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

I am in two minds right now. On the one hand i just want to be back together, because we had such great times, we were so much in love and we always felt happy with eachother. But on the other hand i don’t want to lose her completely and if we really can’t get back together, i want to be friends with her because we were quite literally also eachothers best friends.

Yeah, this isn't so easy 😕 .

You'll never be able to be able to 'accept & let go' if you keep tabs on her.  It is VERY hard to accept a simple 'friendship' once you've crossed that line...

 

So is it maybe best to end all and go no contact so YOU can work on your healing.

Leave her alone now to focus on herself as it seems she wants.. respect.

Sorry she has chosen to end this - i know it hurts 😕 .

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. When people bond too young, especially to the exclusion of other social relationships and events, unfortunately, growth and development can be stunted.

Most people assume that adolescence ends and adult years begin at the age of 18, but that's not true. The prefrontal cortex of the brain continues developing through mid 20s, and so many natural changes occur during this time.

This makes breakups of young relationships typical, and neither partner is at fault for that.

While it's common for one or both partners to want to keep a friendship after this, it's not conducive to grieving and healing--it just creates continual breaks and unnecessary pain as one or both try to explore other relationships.

It's not a good idea to put yourself through that. It's unfortunate that you share classes together, and if you have any options to switch those for other times or instructors, that would likely be your best move. This would allow you to be kind whenever you must cross paths must, but you wouldn't be forced to see so much of one another every day.

Head high, and write more if it helps.