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Leaving a toxic relationship


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I’m just going to ramble so apologised for the sloppy mess. 
 

I’ve been on this site before for a previous breakup that was hard,  I eventually found myself in a new relationship with someone I was a friend with.  It was going well, I was happy and thriving and he made me feel good and loved.   He had a few issues which caused his mental health to decline and was kicked out.  I, being the kind, caring women took him into me and my mothers house under the guise that he will be safe and it will give him a safe place to work through his mental health issues and find work eventually.   It never happened.   

The emotional abuse started. He would shout at me over anything and everything.  Tell me I’m not compassionate, that I don’t care that all I do is make it about myself. I don’t listen and I don’t support him. It would start with this.  It will involve me then getting upset and giving him to him and giving him more attention.  I basically mothered this guy for 4 years.  I paid for everything,  I cooked for him. Did the shopping. Went to work.  Cleaned up. Did his washing and repeat. I was made to feel bad when I saw friends and god forbid a man spoke to me.  
 

This went on in cycles.  He would verbally abuse me and sound aggressive and then profusely apologise but tell me that I should not do x,y,z then he wouldn’t have to feel that way.   
 

it has progressively got worse recently.  He went stalked all my social media through his secret accounts that I didn’t know about and tried to find any sort of comment that he could start an argument.  Once again it started but this time my mother got involved.  She has always got involved and told him if he don’t buck his ideas up she will kick him out.  She felt threatened in her own home by the way he was acted and I feel so so bad about it.  
 

he kicked off and she stood her ground. He was aggressive and got in my and her face.  Trauma response kicked in and I blacked out. I don’t really remember anything after that.  Just that I was hyperventilating.  Cut a long story short and lots of arguments and abuse thrown me he messaged me while I was at work threatening suicide.  All The blood in my body drained as he’s said this before and I felt hopeless.  I told my mother who told my sister and my sister rang me.  She knew what was going on without even knowing as she had noticed a change in my mood and how I held myself.  She said she felt I wasn’t me and that I lost myself.  We spoke for a while and she told me a few things he had said to her that I had no clue that made her feel uncomfortable and second guess herself.  I understand why she didn’t tell me but I wish she did.    She told Me that she thinks what he is doing is coercive abuse.  I got home and I was a mess.  He took my back door key so still had access to the house.  My sister called a police helpline (if you’re from the UK you might be familiar with 101) for support. I wasn’t aware she did that and the police agreed that what was happening was a form of abuse.  I got a welfare check happening and my mum contacted him And told him not to come home and the police will be called if he attempts to come back. 
 

I am scared.  I feel guilty.  I am extremely upset.  I can’t stop crying or feeling like I’ve let him down?  But why. He let me down!!   I feel absolutely alone.  This might have been a complete ramble but I just need some hope that this will get better. I don’t understand why I still have sympathy for him why I feel guilt.  Why I still care.  I still keep telling myself that this can’t happen to me. Why would it happen to me? 

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You feel scared and guilty because you are breaking the cycle of abuse he has trained you to put up with and abide with. Don't back down and please listen to your sister who is more distanced from this situation and is able to see this more clearly than you.

I would pack all his sh#t ASAP and throw it outside the house. Call the locksmith and change the house keys to protect yourself and your mom. NEVER let him back in again. If you can't do this, ask your mom or sister to do so.

You also need to find good therapist ASAP to help you break the trauma bond that you have with him. It's not something you can do on your own. I quote:

"Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional bond that develops between a survivor of prolonged abuse and the perpetrator of the abuse. This bond can be responsible for keeping a trauma survivor in a toxic, and sometimes potentially fatal, relationship with their abuser. Counseling with a trauma-informed therapist can help the survivor break the trauma bond."

Once you cut all contact with him, distance yourself from him, and get space and therapy, you will start to see how and why you got yourself into such traumatizing situation with such a terrible man. And, it does get better and you will come out stronger. Please, listen to your sister and those around you. Enough is enough and you DON'T deserve any of his mistreatment. You have done NOTHING to warrant his abuse. I'm so sorry you went through this.

You are worthy just by being you. You are strong on your own.

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He’s just texted me again (I haven’t responded). Telling me he’s sleeping rough till Friday.  He said his phone hasn’t got much battery and he’s on his own and he has nothing…. He said he also had a bad PTSD attack and he can’t believe I would react like this and do this and that he’s broken.  
 

I know he is probably saying this to pull at my heartstrings and it really is working. I feel like absolute poop.  I had everyone around me yesterday evening, my dad my mum my friend and my brother in law and yet I still felt so alone and so lost and guilty.  I’m at work to have some normality and to be away from my house and he texted me as soon as I was at work.  I know what I’m doing is hard and it’s gonna be a long process but it’s so difficult when you care so much about peoples wellbeing and how they are coping.   I know it sounds so stupid and I wish I could just turn off my emotions with a snap of the fingers 

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26 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

I know he is probably saying this to pull at my heartstrings and it really is working.

Because you are allowing him. That guy was abusive to you. Didnt want to work on his issues and just were using you for housing and to "dump" himself emotionally. And in a situation like that you still havent kicked him out and called police. So your sister had to do it. Because if it was up to you, he would still be there yelling at you and your mom every day.

I went back and read about your old breakup. He was also "the shinning beacon of toxicity" as this one is. I have a cousin that is like that. She went from one abusive marriage to other. You need to get way better emotionally not to allow some other guy like this into your life again. Enroll into therapy. Not only you need it after this situation but it will maybe get you better to the point you will not accept some abusive loser into your life again.

As for this abusive loser, block him. If he persists, get a restraining order. His mental health is not of your concern. You did enough(I would even say way too much) for this one and got abused in return. You owe him nothing.

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1 hour ago, Bumblebee093 said:

He’s just texted me again 

You and your mother are not a homeless shelter or welfare department. It's unclear why either of you allowed this.

Change the locks,get a restraining order and delete and block him. 

You allowed this bum into your mother's house, why? You're not a mental hospital, halfway house,etc.

You have some serious soul searching to do. At every point you and your mother had the option to phone the police or simply toss this bum on the street.

He may have this that and the other, but why is that your problem?

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OP you're not his mom, nurse, nor social welfare center.

He's a grown adult and when he abuses you he does it cause he likes it. When you stayed with him, you showed him that you'll put up with his trash act. Right now, he's throwing any card at you so that you bend and take him back because it'll be hard for him to start over with another woman as most would not put up with his disgusting behaviour.

Please please please, block him everywhere and cut contact. Stop allowing him to message you. Do not let him back near your house. Listen to your family and seek therapy asap.

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Thank you for all your advice and support. 
 

I am being strong and I am standing my ground.   He’s texted non stop.  I haven’t replied not even once.  He’s gone from telling me that he don’t know what he would do without me to that he won’t make this hard for me and my mum and then said he’s still the scared little boy and as I’m typing this message he just wrote “goodbye” 

He’s threatened suicide before and each time my whole body is screaming at me that he’s not going to do it but my lil old heart just can’t take something like that so lightly.  This time I’m not doing anything.   I’ve spoken with the police who are coming to see me tonight and they advised that I screen shot the messages and send them to someone and just delete them   Don’t reply.   I’m not removing any of his stuff from the room until the police let me know what to do as I’m avoiding anything that can cause an issue.  Im expecting to get abusive messages next from him or his friends or both 

 

 

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@Bumblebee093please change the house keys ASAP. He might show up announced in the next day and you don't want to put yourself nor your mom in a dangerous position.

If he's talking suicide, he needs to contact a suicide hotline- not you. You are not responsable for this manipulative disgusting man-child's behaviour.

Good job on standing your ground.

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Thank you. Locks have been changed this morning so we’re all good on that part.  I had my brother in law stay round last night just to keep an eye and ear out as he didn’t want me and my mother to be on my own 

I feel like a child at the moment when I am a full grown woman.  Hopefully the guilt and sadness eases.    I’ve got therapy in the wings anyway for self esteem and being more assertive which my therapist thinks will help me in the long run.  I’ve got in contact with womens aid. I’m trying to get as much resources as possible so it can be drilled into my silly head. 

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3 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

Thank you. Locks have been changed this morning so we’re all good on that part.  I had my brother in law stay round last night just to keep an eye and ear out as he didn’t want me and my mother to be on my own 

I feel like a child at the moment when I am a full grown woman.  Hopefully the guilt and sadness eases.    I’ve got therapy in the wings anyway for self esteem and being more assertive which my therapist thinks will help me in the long run.  I’ve got in contact with womens aid. I’m trying to get as much resources as possible so it can be drilled into my silly head. 

Follow the advice you’ve been given about not responding and saving any screenshots. It’s none of his business what you’re doing. If he has issues there are professionals who will look after his problems. 

Look into rekeying locks if changing them is too involved or expensive. He has issues so won’t be thinking rationally if he does want to get in. What are the chances someone like this doesn’t use a door if he wants to break in. 

Do your best to keep your distance and avoid abusive people. He’s not a little boy. He’s an abusive adult who is violent and manipulative.

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7 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

Locks have been changed this morning so we’re all good on that part.  I’ve got therapy in the wings anyway for self esteem and being more assertive which my therapist thinks will help me in the long run.

That's good. You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Consider a video security system on your mother's house. A restraining order may be necessary if he continues to trespass. Do not hesitate to call the police if he bothers you, your family or threatens suicide.

It would be a good idea to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and perhaps a therapist who did not stand by and condone this self-destruction.

 

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28 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

feel like a child at the moment when I am a full grown woman.  Hopefully the guilt and sadness eases.    I’ve got therapy in the wings anyway for self esteem and being more assertive which my therapist thinks will help me in the long run.  I’ve got in contact with womens aid. I’m trying to get as much resources as possible so it can be drilled into my silly head. 

You feel like a child because he has drained you of your independent thinking skills. To abuse you, he has slowly reduced your power, self-esteem and manipulated your thought process.

But, you have the power. It's in you. And you will break free from his mental chains so long you keep a distance from him and cut him out of your life. Get a restraining order if he crosses boundaries again.

And please, take comfort in the support of the people who truly love you and care about you. Allow yourself to get all the help you need from your friends and family. This man has taken away so much from you, so allow yourself to receive from people around you.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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Thank you everyone.  I am taking on all this information and have blocked him on social media (minus Facebook as I have that deactivated at the moment mainly as he’s more active in that side of social media and really don’t want to reactivate it yet - once I do which will probably be when I’m in a better place that’s the first thing I do but currently I don’t exist on Facebook) 

I’ve got new front door locks and back door locks and our side gate is bolted up.  I know that this is going to be really hard and pretty tough but if I can get through today (whilst still being able to work) then I can do the next day and so on.  I’m crying when needing to and just letting it all out but making sure that when I feel like the way I do that I’m surrounded by my family so I don’t try to reach out to soothe my guilt that I know I shouldn’t be feeling.  
 

The texts he sent me are really weighing on my shoulders and I know that’s what he wants me to feel. I know he wants me to chase him and beg him not to do anything silly and tell him that I love him and care for him and open my arms and my home back up to him.  It’s just hard to go from him being here to all of a sudden shutting him out.  I know it’s needed.  I know i need to do what is best for me and what is best for My mental health. 

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2 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

Thank you everyone.  I am taking on all this information and have blocked him on social media (minus Facebook as I have that deactivated at the moment mainly as he’s more active in that side of social media and really don’t want to reactivate it yet - once I do which will probably be when I’m in a better place that’s the first thing I do but currently I don’t exist on Facebook) 

I’ve got new front door locks and back door locks and our side gate is bolted up.  I know that this is going to be really hard and pretty tough but if I can get through today (whilst still being able to work) then I can do the next day and so on.  I’m crying when needing to and just letting it all out but making sure that when I feel like the way I do that I’m surrounded by my family so I don’t try to reach out to soothe my guilt that I know I shouldn’t be feeling.  
 

The texts he sent me are really weighing on my shoulders and I know that’s what he wants me to feel. I know he wants me to chase him and beg him not to do anything silly and tell him that I love him and care for him and open my arms and my home back up to him.  It’s just hard to go from him being here to all of a sudden shutting him out.  I know it’s needed.  I know i need to do what is best for me and what is best for My mental health. 

Give yourself some time to adjust. The fact remains that he is abusive, violent and manipulative. 

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10 hours ago, Bumblebee093 said:

He’s just texted me again (I haven’t responded). Telling me he’s sleeping rough till Friday.  He said his phone hasn’t got much battery and he’s on his own and he has nothing…. He said he also had a bad PTSD attack and he can’t believe I would react like this and do this and that he’s broken.  

HE has issue's and needs to seek help - on his own.  He's an adult now.  And sadly he has relied on your & your mom for too long 😕 .

He is unstable and Toxic!

YOU have done more than enough and is good now that you do realize he's abusive!

So now, you just need to let this sink in.  It'll take time to work on accepting as it was a LOT going on around you....

Remember, all of your 'reactions', the blackout.  

Do NOT fall for any of his 'guilt tripping'.  Is up to him now to figure his stuff out.  Not you.

 

See the meaning of Trauma bonding:

Trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser's behavior will change.

Emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse .

 

You can get over this.. just takes some time.. to 'recover'.  

 

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Bit of a ***show this evening.  Police was going to ring to let me know when they will be coming over (they said they tried this morning but no answer… I don’t have any missed calls).   They did ring while I was at work and my mum took a message and let them know when I would be home.  It’s now 9pm and I’ve heard nothing.  My sister rang to follow up cause I told her what happened and basically said that it isn’t important and they don’t need to do anything …. It’s just pushed everything I was feeling about over reacting and being stupid right to the forefront. I’m in shock.  It’s left me feeling very vulnerable 

 

I started to pack all his stuff up and I just can’t face it. It’s making me feel dizzy with the rush of emotion 

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9 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

They did ring while I was at work and my mum took a message and let them know when I would be home.

I started to pack all his stuff up and I just can’t face it. It’s making me feel dizzy with the rush of emotion 

Why are the police coming over? Are you getting a restraining order? Why can't you return the call? Make sure your home is secured and focus on locks and alarms. Enlist the help of friends and family to pack up his stuff.

Are the police going to take it to him? Is he in jail? A rehab facility? A mental facility? A halfway house? Homeless shelter?  With family/friends? He'll be fine, in fact better off getting the help he needs instead of you enabling his demise.

However, focus on yourself and your own health to explore why you went down this rabbit hole. Putting yourself and family at risk like this for some bum is not a good way of life for you.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are the police coming over? Are you getting a restraining order? Why can't you return the call? Make sure your home is secured and focus on locks and alarms. Enlist the help of friends and family to pack up his stuff.

Are the police going to take it to him? Is he in jail? A rehab facility? A mental facility? A halfway house? Homeless shelter?  With family/friends? He'll be fine, in fact better off getting the help he needs instead of you enabling his demise.

However, focus on yourself and your own health to explore why you went down this rabbit hole. Putting yourself and family at risk like this for some bum is not a good way of life for you.

They were coming over for a welfare check. To make sure I got the support and basically to go through everything with me so it’s logged down in the system so if he did try to come back or if anything happened to the house or me and my family then they’ve got something on system which could indicate it was him     
 

from the first phone call they agreed that I needed to make sure plans where in place and gave us a crime reference to use incase anything happened and that they will come round and make sure we’re safe, what to in certain situations etc etc but in the next call to follow up it was a “well it’s not important your ok, situation is fine” which is kinda made me feel dumb 🤷‍♀️ 

 

we’re okay currently,  I know its stupid to put my mum in this situation.  I also feel very guilty for that and I have apologised profusely to her and will probably always show how sorry I am.  She don’t deserve that in her home.      
 

I will say I’ve never felt threatened physically by him like he would attack me or my mum but at the same time nobody can be 100% on that.  He charmed his way into my mums good books and she had no problem with him until the arguments and the verbal abuse started at me then it was a very fast spiral which lead to where we are now. I know I have to take some responsibility for this that I brought him into our home to give him that safe space to get the help he needed and I should have been stronger and put my foot down and given him an ultimatum - well no i should have told him to leave. Period.  But I know it just sounds like I got doormat written in my head lol 

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5 minutes ago, Bumblebee093 said:

They were coming over for a welfare check. To make sure I got the support and basically to go through everything with me.

Why would someone call a welfare check on you? Are you telling people you are suicidal?

The UK has excellent mental health hotlines who will listen, care and can direct you to the appropriate resources. However you need regular effective mental healthcare to explore this issue. 

 Go to the police station and file for a restraining order. You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. He's out. Start with the practical. Locks, alarms, restraining order, pack up his stuff.

Then focus on your emotional issues. You need to get into "robot mode" and power through the practical side of ousting and severing him.. There is no easy solution . Only when you remove the knife, can you stop bleeding and start healing, so that is where you need to start.

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No I’m not telling people I’m suicidal. My sister put a report in about the situation and they wanted to come round to do, as they said, a welfare check to follow up on the report and assess the situation 

they came round last night. They went through my situation. Went through what I can do to keep myself safe.  I raised concerns about not knowing where he is as he said he was sleeping “rough” and I don’t know where to send his stuff.  They don’t think he’s sleeping rough but it’s not my concern..  they also need a report to be filed so if anything happens it’s on the system with his and my info.  He has left me his contact details and resources to look into.  
 

my mum sent him a text telling him to arrange when to collect his stuff and it ended up with more heart strings pulling of “I just wanna come home “I’m scared” “please let me sort it out”   He left me voicemails on a different number crying and getting emotional   It was distressing.  I have deleted these    I haven’t messaged him, answered any unknown calls.  
 

I still have the pang of guilt but just gotta work through it.  My mind is still saying that this isn’t abuse 

 

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Replace your locks.  If he threatened suicide, let him kill himself because whatever he does to his life is his responsibility, not yours. 

Ghost, block and delete him everywhere. 

Don't feel guilty.  He let you down.  You have it twisted.  It's better to be alone than lonely and scared with the wrong man in your life.  Life will get better because your household will have peace.  Don't have sympathy.  He's a grown man and he needs to live his own life.  Don't care.  Be tough and strong.  Learn to think clearly.  You will be fine.  Take one day at a time and then you will feel relieved more than anything.

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Please consider looking into Codependents Anonymous (CODA). This is a support group for those who think they must "help" people even to their own detriment. Codependents will empty their bank accounts, give away their possessions, risk losing their jobs, families and friends and allow themselves to be put in harm's way because they want everyone to like them, because they fear feeling "guilty" or because they fear if they say "no" someone will stop loving them. Sound familiar?

And certain people know exactly how to manipulate codependents. They will use any tactics they think will work. It's not because they're truly in dire straits. It's because it's easier for them to get someone else to do things for them than it is to do them for themselves.

I'm fairly certain you can find both online groups and in person meetings. Please look into this.

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2 hours ago, Bumblebee093 said:

my mum sent him a text telling him to arrange when to collect his stuff and it ended up with more heart strings pulling of “I just wanna come home “I’m scared” “please let me sort it out”   He left me voicemails on a different number crying and getting emotional   It was distressing.  I have deleted these    I haven’t messaged him, answered any unknown calls.  

Ask your mother to help you and cease contacting him. His stuff is his responsibility not yours or your mothers. He can go to an ER, mental facility, welfare dept., homeless shelter etc. You and especially your mother, need to stop enabling him . He's "sleeping rough", because he thinks he can come back and therefore won't get the help he needs.

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On 9/21/2022 at 3:36 AM, Bumblebee093 said:

I know it sounds so stupid and I wish I could just turn off my emotions with a snap of the fingers 

It might be helpful to reframe this into defending your Mom, her household and your relationships with family.

This guy is an adult. He's capable of reaching for resources to help him beyond YOU.

Disabuse yourself of a savior complex, and trust that you're doing the guy and everyone involved the best service by cutting all contact--ALL contact.

Change your locks, contact your social services department for counseling and ask for referrals to resources to keep you and your MOM safe.

Shift your focus onto protecting HER, and you will work out your own stuff over time.

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