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Bumblebee093

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  1. Thank you everyone for your advice! We do live together currently and with the situation we can’t move out or away because of the restrictions. He has sorced help for his problems but then refuses it. Won’t take medication cause he is against it but will smoke... which I told him is just a crutch and he’s not dealing with the issues and he’s agreed. He makes dr appointments then cancels and when I ask him about it he will get defensive and lash out at me saying I don’t understand and I shouldn’t force him. He don’t realise (he probably does though) that his actions have an affect on my emotions and how I see it. Currently now I asked why he’s being short and moody with me and he’s told me I need to stop reading into things. I feel extremely guilty talking about him and it makes me upset. I just feel really alone and lost
  2. Hey all I've been on n off of this site for a while now.. all for different reasons!. I've been with a guy for over a year now and i'm struggling to see anything good. A little background on myself, I suffer from depression and recently been diagnosed with anxiety Disorder. I've started taking antidepressants which I've been on for 2 months - Currently run out and badgering my GP to speed up the process of getting me another prescription - I haven't taken any for nearly a week which is bad. (I did contact them a week before I ran out too) My partner also suffers with a long list of mental health issues which he will use in an argument. I'm not sure how I can write it all down into a message and I don't know if any of it would make sense as there is so much that I feel and so much that has happened. We argue... and when we do he blows up. He makes me feel small. He will use anything he can to bring me down, tell me i have no sympathy, tell me I never listen, I always talk back, I challenge him when he don't need challenging, I do this, I do that. If i'm clumsy and drop something, walk into something that makes a noise he will get pissy, He expects me to get his food while he sits in the bedroom after i've come in from work and make me feel terrible if he hasn't eaten all day... while i'm at work!. I'm the only one going out working because of this pandemic and I work in a hospital so it's not like I can just stop working... Today was bad. I had a long day and hearing about people passing away along with all of the added pressures of money, bills and life.. my mental health dipped and I came home gave him his food, didn't say anything and just locked myself away in another room to cry and de-stress myself. He see's this as an issue because I didn't say a word, Yes I can see that as a problem and maybe I should have said something but I just couldn't. I explained why, I told him i've had a rough day and he's just got in a foul mood with me. No one else is allowed to have a bad day if he is suffering with his mental health... He's gone out for a walk and I rang him to talk. He was short with me and I questioned him. He asks me 'Why do you think i'm a mood?' and I replied with what he said before he left. He went quiet, I snapped and said I will deal with it all on my own then! and he's just gone off telling me i'm pressuring him (which is exactly what he does to me as when he's having a mental health day, I have to be at his beg and call comforting him and doing everything in my power to make it all better but when I have a bad day where I need support and someone to listen I get told i'm pressuring him) He hung up the phone saying you're a f***ing... Didn't hear the last bit? He does this a lot. He will tell me that his opinion is correct and that i'm shoving my opinion down his throat. He will constantly go on about how intelligent he is, therefore he knows so much about the world and politics and everything else. Every debate we have he can't have it any way but his. He will verbally shut me down and make me feel so small. He will tell me I need to stop butting in when he's talking but he talks for hours without letting me get any word in edgewise and when I have a moment to talk he will butt in and talk about what he wants to talk about for another hour or so. It's a never ending battle. You're probably reading this thinking, leave, get out. I can't, it's hard, i'm alone. We're in lockdown, I'm scared to talk to him incase he starts to shout, I'm scared to talk to my family and friends as they will see how emotionally weak I am. I feel locked in my own head. On the days when he is calm its wonderful, we can laugh, joke and be comfortable and he does make me smile but its the bad times that weighs me down and hurts me. We've sat down and spoke about his anger and lashing out and he will apologise and listen but as soon as something happens its all forgotten and i'm the bad person. I'm an emotional person anyway, I cry at small things, I cry when I get criticised in such a way that is not needed. I will cry at most things to be honest. It makes me feel emotionally unstable. I just feel like this is all in my head. I'm overreacting, i'm all that he says I am because why else would it keep coming up in conversation? I just need some experience handling this, Some advice? Some help? I'm not sure. Sorry for the rambling, I've just got in from work and I am typing this through sleepy eyes and brain fog. B
  3. It’s all very confusing as I don’t think it’s a crush I have on him. I notice that he has a lot of similarities to my ex so this is why it’s so familiar. I guess it’s something I naturally clung too for it’s familiarity and the feelings that go with it but the deeper I delve into it all I don’t truly like him like that. His mixed signals really don’t help me in trying to work out what is going on and it does toy with me slightly - I just don’t know why?! It’s just another problem I have to figure out. Haha
  4. This makes so much sense. I’ve spoken to my mum about this and I think I’m overthinking but she said she would feel the same way too. I feel like I’m back on the playground and it’s all these games. I’ve spoken to him on the phone today and again so many mixed signals. So as from today I’m taking the backseat on this all. I’m not gonna be “available” when he needs to me to be.
  5. Yeah. I’m trying to keep my distance just so I don’t end up hurt or more confused but again I still am. He messaged me today letting me know he was thinking of me all day. I keep getting all these mixed signals and I don’t know how to handle it
  6. Hey all, If you have read my previous post, I weren't sure if someone I had known for a while liked me or not. There is a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts with this friendship and after breaking up with my partner it feels nice to experience something new, even if i'm trying to figure it all out?! Anyway, we met up last week after not seeing each other in person for a long time (but we spoke over the phone most days for a few hours at a time) and there was a lot of hugging, wrapped arms around one another every now and then. When we left there was a hand grab and a long lingering hug. After he left he wanted to talk more less straight after which I found strange. I didn't call till later that evening to chat for a hour after he messaged me asking me to call him. Fast forward to today, He wanted me to ring him and we spoke for a bit. This is where I start to get confused and feel as if I've taken all this the wrong way and I've actually been friend zoned? He started to talk about this girl he met the other day (i know of her and knew that they were meeting) and that she was flirting with him, he admitted that he fancied her and he don't know if he should pursue even though she isn't single and he asked me if he should go for it. I was admittedly a bit upset but that i think comes from me feeling a bit knocked back at that point. I told him that it is down for him to decide as I wasn't there in the situation and left it at that. The whole convo was him talking about her and how she looked and how their conversation flowed etc I started to feel really uncomfortable and a little bit stupid for believing that he would even be the slightest bit interested in me. After a while talking he started to say things like 'I really do care a lot about you' 'I've been dying to talk to you' (Even though we spoke yesterday) He also was talking about meeting up again and he wants to take me somewhere nice. I feel really confused right now. Am I thinking too much into this... again? B x
  7. HeYYAAA Surprisingly i've not gone quite off the track - was a little bump thats just knocked me a bit. I went out a for a walk and a car exactly like his, same model, same colour everything pulled up along side me and gave me a heart attack, Of course it wasn't his car but jeez I was knocked lol. I've been getting out a bit more. I've regained contact with an really old friend (known each other since 14 and just lost contact) he *was* friends with the ex but again their friendship ended very sudden and abrupt and not on good terms either - It seems like its a reoccurring pattern for the ex. It's nice to be able to just enjoy myself for once without feeling lost or alone. It's a wonderful feeling to feel like you're actually progressing with it all! and just an edit - he has no contact with my ex anymore, they kinda fell out while me and the ex was together. Although i'm kind of keeping myself to myself about mine and my ex relationship/breakup just so nothing causes a stir aha. B x
  8. Hey Carus! It's nice to hear from you! How are you?! I totally agree. I've refrained as much as I can from looking at social media. I keep learning more and more about myself the more as the months go on. I know I have more healing - 10 years won't disappear but oh how I wish it would haha! I think this illness I have and the medication i'm on doesn't help my case, makes me feel all mopey and the more mopey I feel the more I dwell and think about my past. Its like a vicious cycle hah. -cuddle B X
  9. So far I haven’t had any pain since Friday so I haven’t taken any codeine but my god I feel exhausted - all of the time. I sleep for 9 hours then wake up and after a few more hours fall asleep again Even just walking to my local shops which is a 10 min walk makes me feel so sleepy and I end up sleeping for a few hours Anyone else has this problem?! I’m trying to get a dr note but reception has just passed it on to a dr so idk when I’ll get a reply All in all I’m feeling fed up n frustrated
  10. Hey Hey Hey, Rant time, I need to get this off my chest i'm all over the place. I was on my way home from the shops (mum was driving) feeling really crap as i'm on codeine and just really ill. We got to my village and my ex was behind us basically following us and up our arse, my mum noticed and he was trying to look into the car. I was sat there trying to keep cool but i was shaking and my anxiety levels are through the roof! This is the closest he's ever been to me since November. I'm frustrated. Why is he in my Village?! He lives over an hour away now. There is no connections here for him anymore?! It's probably nothing but its shaken me up really bad. B x
  11. Hey guys. Thanks for all the replies. I’ve had a blood test and get the results on Tuesday to see if my liver is functioning properly and checking everything else. I’ve got an appointment for an ultrasound through but it’s a month away, however my Dr has been so lovely and not dismissing me as the others has made me feel. He told me if the pain gets any worse and other symptoms pop up to go straight to the hospital. So far the pain has been moderate. I have a few episodes here and there over the week but they haven’t been as bad (still painful though). I’ve literally been passed out in bed most of the week, it’s made me so exhausted! The guilt comes from university and other places where they would make you feel like crap for taking time off because your ill. I once had a really bad uti which they thought travelled to my kidneys but I was made to come into university and “just get on with it” I feel guilty for a lot of things as I feel I’m letting people down but that’s something I need to work on myself and get myself out of that mindset. Unfortunately I’m still on the codeine to help with the pain which I know is bad but I’m trying to not take it unless I can’t deal with the pain. The drs won’t give me a drs note unless I’ve been off for 7 days or more as work don’t need a medical note until that date. So I have to contact the dr on Monday to get one. Does anyone have any tips on helping the pain so I don’t have to keep relying on codeine? B x
  12. Hey all! So on Sunday I was woken up at 3am in a lot of pain (the 3rd time it has happened in 2 weeks) and decided to ring 111 at around 4am (a health advice line). They kind of ran me around a bit a made it feel as if they was dismissing me. I spoke to 3 different people that night. First lady asked me a load of questions which was expected to assess my situation but she was very short and abrupt, when she asked me to explain my situation... I did and then interrupted me and told me to 'get on with it', she then told me a pharmacist would ring me to give me some self care tips - she rang within 5 mins and asked me exactly the same questions to which she told me a Dr would ring me and its not classed as an emergency as i've only been in pain for 3 hours (this was around 5am). I sat around in agony, nothing was relieving the pain and I was going into a bit of a panic. Eventually the Dr rang me and he was helpful and asked my pain levels which at that point was around a 9/10. He told me to go to the out of hours drs which I did. At around 8:30 a Dr saw me and told me it was suspected gallbladder and put me on codeine and told me to take it when I need too. I took the day off on Sunday and also had my normal day off on Monday and booked a GP app for Wed. I forced myself back to work on Tuesday even though I took Codeine that morning and it was making me feel a little spaced out and sleepy, I was sent home by work as I shouldn't be working and should be resting. When I saw the GP on Wednesday he told me he would be booking me in for an ultrasound and blood tests as they think it could be gallstones thats causing the pain. The pain has been on and off and luckily, not constant and when it does flare up its not as bad as it was on Sunday but its still bad enough that I need to take something to help get rid of the pain. I feel extremely guilty for taking all this time off work but I can't work while on this medication and/or in pain! (last night it knocked me out! I don't even remember falling asleep). Work have let me know that If I can't make it to my next two shifts that I will need to get a Drs note but I feel like this is me over-reacting and the Dr won't be able to give me one. I've always been a hard worker and Its rare that I take time off work, when I have taken time off work it's when I physically can't leave the toilet!. So why do I feel guilty!? Luckily today i've been ok but I feel extremely exhausted (god knows how much i've slept) and every now and then I feel really nauseous and sweaty (but haven't vomited yet). The pain normally comes in the evening/night yesterday it started in the morning. Is it stupid of me to take all this time off work?! My line of work is in retail but i'm part of management on the stock side of the company. So I deal with all the deliveries and stocking. So it includes a lot of heavy lifting and manual work (moving around a lot and being pretty speedy).
  13. Hey figureitout23! Makes perfect sense what you are saying! It is only one side, i'm not hopeful in him liking me. I'm not sure if there is anything there in the romantic sense?! (from my end anyway!) Either way I'm not completely ready to commit after coming out of a 10 year relationship - need time for me. I just wanted to get some outside voices to get a perspective on things just so he isn't getting the wrong end of the stick? I don't want him to feel like i strung him along if he has got the wrong idea. Some of the things he has said to me makes me think hmmm? but then other times I feel like he feels nothing. He's very open and keeps talking about meeting up and going on holiday together (this is normal for friends to do this, but he just wants it just me and him). I've tried to cut back on the contact slightly, We was talking on the phone every night. Its just nice to hear different opinions and if there is anyone else thinking the same as me or if its just me overthinking... as normal! As i've said i'm no good at telling if someone is flirting or not. I was in a 10 year relationship and engaged with someone since. We broke up in December. Majority of my teen years and early adulthood was spent with one person and one person only. So needless to say I am so rusty at all this haha. Sorry if I ramble and not making too much sense!
  14. Thank you everyone. I wouldn’t say he is all that shy but he isn’t also very forward with topics like this but it’s almost like there is subtle hints here and there but nothing to make me move forward with it. I almost don’t wanna say anything cause i don’t want to make our friendship awkward or take it the wrong way. I myself am quite a shy person and can sometimes not be very confident. I also tend to over think things without sometimes just going with the flow which can sometimes make me back out of saying certain things which probably makes this a little harder haha
  15. So I have a friend which I’ve recently come back into contact with. We both have had w rough few months and we kinda been supporting each other through it. As of recently he’s been talking to me a lot more and wanting to call and meet up and me to stay over. He says things such as “if I were your boyfriend”. “If you were my girlfriend”. Or things like “you will find someone. They are a lot closer than you think”. Little alarm bells go off in my head. I could be over thinking this I’ve never been good at knowing when someone is flirting or likes me. How do I bring this up without it being awkward? B XX
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