Ghoster back and I think they mean it

[Girlbye]

I keep TRYING to post on Reddit and everyone is rude and deletes my posts like Im not asking for help and Im not even saying anything crazy, so please help because omigosh.

I think my question is more how to deal with my sister because I have made my mind up about my boyfriend but let me say the whole story.

A few years ago I met a guy. We were crazy about each other and he always saw me when he could at like 9 on Wednesday and early early early Sunday mornings when he was off work. I say this bc my sister is rude and says those are weird times but people work so I guess her problem is not understanding that?

Whatever, so the guy stopped responding after a couple months and my whole heart was shattered because we were pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend.

He had some stuff going on though. We all have stuff sometimes. For about a month when he stopped responding I kept messaging. I just wanted him to know I was serious and commited and he was like hey I dont want to be in a relationship and then he told me he found a girlfriend and then nothing.

Which of course hurt my feelings, but stuff happens. Any way. 

A few years ago by. Maybe 4?

I get a text at midnight around and this is like, 4 months ago? It is this guy!!!!

My hands, when I tell you they arw SHAKING, because I never stopped thinking about him. You know, I always wondered how he could ditch me when we were so close.

He is telling me he is sorry in this text!! My heart! He says he misses me. Im like boy, quit playing lets hang out.

So we do and stuff ;)

its so crazy to have him back. Like really crazy.

We agree to move slow and so a few weeks after we hung out I deleted my apps, right. Because we have been exclusive and stuff.

My problem. MY SISTER. She stays in my ear. We havent talked much. She keeps saying I am making a choice that will hurt me.

She is saying like, he never respected me or my time and that he is an emotional tourist. That he will date me and get restless and I will be feeling dumb.

I cant with her.

He is over here giving me flowers and holding my hand.

Shes over there texting me that I never had any "hard talks with him about how he made me feel the first time"

But like he knew when he texted me and said sorry?

I dont know. I want her to just be happy for me.

What do you think?

[Kwothe28]

I found a good quote about ghosting yesterday

Quote

 

Ghosting is the result of ignoring red flags.

Ghosting is an expression of inconsideration, a lack of empathy, love or care, and self-centeredness.

A person that's able to ghost you does not care about you. Not in the slightest.

A person that doesn't care about you will express that throughout the relationship, whether it be subtlely or blatantly.

It's those red flags that you either didn't pick up on, or ignored.

Although, if you choose to take the ghoster back when they resurface,

Then it can be considered a burgundy flag.

There's not a bigger red flag known to mankind.

Sidenote:

Silent treatments fall in the same category.

 

So your sister is right. You shouldve never taken that guy back. If he didnt hesitated to do it once, he wont hesitated to do it again.

[MissCanuck]

Your sister is right, OP. 

I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. But if you insist on letting this guy back into your life, tell your sister to please keep her opinions to herself. 

There is no way she is going to be happy for you about this, and I wouldn't be either (if I were her) So you are you going to need to develop some thicker skin and not engage when she starts telling you how she feels about this. But remember, she will be there when this guy hurts you again, so try not to be too hard on her in the meantime. 

[jul-els]

Regardless of what your sister says, he mistreated you once. He’ll do it again. It’s in his nature because that’s who he is. Don’t make the same mistake twice. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Team sister here. She seems to have your best interest at heart.

1 hour ago, Girlbye said:

But like he knew when he texted me and said sorry?

And this is enough to erase ghosting you a couple of months into exclusively dating you? Wow. So he can stomp all over your feelings, continue ignoring you for a month and then a simple sorry text in a few years time magically fixes things?
 

1 hour ago, Girlbye said:

He had some stuff going on though. We all have stuff sometimes.

True. But when we're serious about people, we don't cut them off with no explanation. Think about it - if you want someone in your life wouldn't you be afraid of losing them or pushing them away? I can understand asking for time & space in difficult times but ghosting you means he didn't care that much about you in the first place. Also, it shows the dysfunctional way he deals with "stuff". In what ways has he worked on himself in the last 4 years that gives you hope he won't do the same thing again? You know, when "stuff" happen again.
 

1 hour ago, Girlbye said:

I have made my mind up about my boyfriend

I understand that sometimes we want to repeatedly bang our heads in the same brick wall until we learn something - you're free to do so. Don't blame it on your sister that she's concerned for your lack of basic self-respect and is trying to protect you. Take her out to dinner and thank her for having your back. Then proceed as you wish.

And try to look beyond "sorry"-s, flowers and holding hands. They're pleasant but empty if there's no solid value system and strong intentions (backed up by actions) behind them.

To me it seems this guy was under a dry spell and he revisited his old dating contacts. You were a convenient choice, as evidently you don't need much persuasion. Hope I'm wrong.

[Cynder]

As someone who was ghosted by the person I planned to marry, I do t think I could ever trust anyone who treated me that way.  

[Dean Gladwyn]

He didn't respect you enough to give you a reason for a month before he decided to tell you he didn't want to be with you and he found a girlfriend? Clearly he must have been seeing other women at the same time to be able to build up a connection with someone.

Ghosting clearly depicts a person as not a priority, and possibly just an option during that time they saw someone. 

Your sister is right to respond to this situation. I would be mindful of this one. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Girlbye said:

I keep TRYING to post on Reddit and everyone deletes my posts 

Why were you banned from reddit? How old is he? How old is your sister?

Whenever an ex comes back, it's for their own reasons. Just got dumped. Lonely. Horny. Dry spell. Attention. Etc. They just figure it will be easier to have sex because they won't have to wine and dine you like someone new.

If they cared and you were so special, they wouldn't have dumped you like trash in the first place.

Your sister doesn't matter. What matters is on/off relationships are full of drama just like this.

[Batya33]

The issue is he is disrespectful and flaky and was seeing you at odd times most likely to hide the fact from his wife or girlfriend that he was seeing someone else.  Doesn't matter what your sister says -you can tell your sister not to give you unsolicited advice.  You asked us for advice.  My advice is this person is bad news and his apology is meaningless. I cut off a friend who ghosted me for over a year and last few months she's been trying to "woo" me back -yes just a female platonic friend. 

I limit my interactions with her to "liking" when she has something good happen like a new job and when it has to do with her son because I think our kids are still connected via an online game they both enjoy.  I limit it to being polite because it was hurtful how she simply stopped communicating (yes we'd met in person several times)- and had made it all about her in the few months previously.  I respect myself too much to let her back into my life in a close way.  Respect yourself in this manner too.

[Tinydance]

I agree with everyone else but I also think unfortunately you're just a booty call to this guy. It's been four years and as you know he had another girlfriend. Maybe even more than one girlfriend. Then clearly they broke up, he's single, lonely and horny. When you don't hear from someone for a few years, obviously they don't care that much if they talk to you or not. You're not on their mind. Now all of a sudden he messages you out if nowhere "and stuff ;)" I'm sorry but I think you're in for another ghosting pretty soon.

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, Girlbye said:

I keep TRYING to post on Reddit and everyone is rude and deletes my posts like Im not asking for help and Im not even saying anything crazy, so please help because omigosh.

I think my question is more how to deal with my sister because I have made my mind up about my boyfriend but let me say the whole story.

A few years ago I met a guy. We were crazy about each other and he always saw me when he could at like 9 on Wednesday and early early early Sunday mornings when he was off work. I say this bc my sister is rude and says those are weird times but people work so I guess her problem is not understanding that?

Whatever, so the guy stopped responding after a couple months and my whole heart was shattered because we were pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend.

He had some stuff going on though. We all have stuff sometimes. For about a month when he stopped responding I kept messaging. I just wanted him to know I was serious and commited and he was like hey I dont want to be in a relationship and then he told me he found a girlfriend and then nothing.

Which of course hurt my feelings, but stuff happens. Any way. 

A few years ago by. Maybe 4?

I get a text at midnight around and this is like, 4 months ago? It is this guy!!!!

My hands, when I tell you they arw SHAKING, because I never stopped thinking about him. You know, I always wondered how he could ditch me when we were so close.

He is telling me he is sorry in this text!! My heart! He says he misses me. Im like boy, quit playing lets hang out.

So we do and stuff 😉

its so crazy to have him back. Like really crazy.

We agree to move slow and so a few weeks after we hung out I deleted my apps, right. Because we have been exclusive and stuff.

My problem. MY SISTER. She stays in my ear. We havent talked much. She keeps saying I am making a choice that will hurt me.

She is saying like, he never respected me or my time and that he is an emotional tourist. That he will date me and get restless and I will be feeling dumb.

I cant with her.

He is over here giving me flowers and holding my hand.

Shes over there texting me that I never had any "hard talks with him about how he made me feel the first time"

But like he knew when he texted me and said sorry?

I dont know. I want her to just be happy for me.

What do you think?

In regards to how to deal with your sister, manage your private life better and avoid letting it spill out to other relationships. Your sister is concerned about you because you seem very emotional.

This man only approached you with a sorry at midnight and you were shaking. This suggests an extreme emotional response for a man who treated you as someone disposable. He did apologize but in what manner? Over a text in the same way he dumped you once? No one can know for sure whether he’ll do it again but from the way he treats you casually it’s not unlikely that he continues to treat you casually and may also dump you just as casually in future. 

If you want to continue seeing him, by all means. You know what he is or what he’s been to you in the past so temper your affections and keep your expectations extremely low. I wouldn’t emotionally invest in this or assume he cares deeply for you. Remember that words are cheap. Actions count. 

[gamon]

Your sister is spot on.

Sorry but that's the hard truth here.

You didn't ask but there are bigger issues here.

The way you dealt with his initial rejection, continuing to chase him despite him making it abundantly clear he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship, and then years later, you're shaking because you heard from him, and you never stopped thinking about him.

These deeper problems should be addressed or they will haunt you forever and affect you whenever you meet a guy you like.

 

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, Girlbye said:

He is telling me he is sorry in this text!! My heart! He says he misses me. Im like boy, quit playing lets hang out.

So we do and stuff 😉

I'm going to guess the "and stuff" with the wink emoji means you had sex with him. How easy was that for him!

I hope you insisted on him wearing condoms.

I agree with your sister (and I'm totally stealing her term "emotional tourist"). 

I'm guessing the people on Reddit told you this same thing over and over and that's why they deleted your posts. 

You can tell your sister to stay out of it but you can't make her be happy for you.

[lostandhurt]

I have a nickname for your sister.  "Ghostbuster"

She sees the real person he is and you only want to see the person you imagined him to be.

 He hasn't changed and he is using you until he finds his next victim.

 Don't be used

 Lost

[Andrina]

He didn't have the common decency to tell you he was moving on. He's never loved you.

Your sister has loved you for a lifetime and wants what's best for you.

I'd go with love.

[smackie9]

Well it's possible he was dating you and this other girl at the same time and had to make a decision. A lot of people are avoiders, and are not mature enough to man up like an adult, obviously he didn't handle the situation properly. You never know he may have never been in such a situation before, got selfish and took the cowards way out. Maybe he learned from his own stupidity who knows.

You are an adult, you do whatever you want, but with this guy's past treatment of you, do it at your own peril. As for your sister, tell her you are a grown a$$ woman and will take ownership if things go sideways. With any relationship there are no guarantees, there is always risk. It is what it is.