I have a date

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not happy. I'm 5'4' and 235 pounds. At my lightest, I was 125 pounds. I look at pictures and then me now, and I don't recognize myself. I try to accept myself and remain confident, but I know I look heavier. 

 

I hate what my life has become. I work, cook, eat, sit around, alone. I'm a lame cat lady who craves a more fun and exciting life. 

Do you honestly believe there's absolutely nothing you can do to improve your life and self image?

Instead of looking at photos of yourself at 125 pounds and giving up because you think you'll never be that weight again, set realistic goals. Determine that today you'll only eat when you're truly hungry. Decide you're going to go for a walk today. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week, just today. Drink water every time you think about it. Not coffee, not tea, not diet Coke, but water. I use calorie free water enhancers because I like my water to have a little zip. 

Decide today you're going to sign up for an art class or a gardening class or a dance class or an acting class. Then go. Don't make up excuses to miss a class. 

Little steps become bigger steps. So don't overwhelm yourself.

And finally, consider a therapist or life coach to help pull you out of your funk. Not your mom. Someone who's a professional and has tios and tricks to get you grooving.

I know you can do this. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. I doubt you want to spend it sitting on your couch.

[Tinydance]

Well I'd like to mention that there actually are men who either don't care much about a woman's size or actually prefer plus size women. I have a male friend who is very handsome, slim, six foot tall. He's a bit socially awkward but he's a really nice guy. He actually finds curvy and plus size women very attractive. He would always make comments about it. I remember he said he'd caught up with an ex- girlfriend and said she gained weight and she had "a very nice big butt". He'd make those kinds of comments often and I started a joke that his anthem song is that: "I like big butts and I cannot lie" lol

You do see larger women with boyfriends or husbands but obviously it's a matter of finding men who appreciate a more curvy woman. There is actually a plus size dating app called Woo Plus that I used which is for plus size people and just any people who appreciate plus size.

In regards to dates fizzling out, I think that happens to everyone regardless of size. My best friend is very slim and fit, she's a dancer. She's also very pretty. She did have a lot of guys interested in her but even still, she got rejected her fair share too. 

You said you start analysing things about yourself that would "turn people off". There is that saying: "Just be yourself" for a reason. That's because what turns people on/off is actually subjective. You shouldn't try to change yourself to try to fit something you think people will like more if that's not really you. It actually reminds me of this poem my therapist gave me years ago called "The Plum". I even put it up on my wall. I'll see if I can find it.

 

 

[Tinydance]

I found the poem!

You can learn that you cannot be loved by all people
You can be the finest PLUM in the world,
RIPE – JUICY – SUCCULENT
And offer yourself to all.

However you must remember there will always be people who do not like plums.
You can learn to understand that if you are the world’s finest plum,
And someone you like does not like plums
You have a choice of becoming a banana.

However, you need to be warned that if you choose to become a banana,
You will be a second-rate banana,
However, you can always be the best plum.

You need to understand that if you choose to be a second-rate banana,
There will always be people who do not like bananas,

Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana (which is impossible if you are a plum),
Or: You can seek again to be the
BEST PLUM!!

https://destinationhappiness.com/plum-poem/

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I hate what my life has become. I work, cook, eat, sit around, alone. I'm a lame cat lady who craves a more fun and exciting life. 

So, what steps are you going to take to do something about this? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not happy. I'm 5'4' and 235 pounds. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Do Not Discuss it with your mother.

Get some tests done. Unfortunately this is not a vanity issue. Being 100 pounds overweight is a medical problem, not "curvey". At this weight medical issues start to occur. 

Perhaps you are depressed or stress eating or whatever, but get some tests done. And start there.

With appropriate mental and physical healthcare you can get to a healthier weight. You don't have to be a supermodel but you do need to care about yourself and your health.

Stay away from your mother for a while. Perhaps commercial weight loss systems may help, perhaps some type of medical intervention can help.

But take down those pics of you 100 pound ago. You're in denial and that won't help you get mentally or physically healthy. 

There's help for you. Plenty of people struggle with weight. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not happy. I'm 5'4' and 235 pounds. At my lightest, I was 125 pounds. I look at pictures and then me now, and I don't recognize myself. I try to accept myself and remain confident, but I know I look heavier. 

 

I hate what my life has become. I work, cook, eat, sit around, alone. I'm a lame cat lady who craves a more fun and exciting life. 

What will you do today -what tiny thing - that will enhance fun and/or excitement? 235 pounds doesn't sound like just "curvy".  It doesn't sound like you feel good with that amount of extra weight.  I would think an extra 110 pounds on a 5"4 frame would look heavier.  (I'm 5"2 and a half -yes the half counts!).  

What will you do today to sit around less? One thing I do -not every day - I try to sign off the computer/phone by 9pm.  I go to bed before 10 wake up around 5 to work out.  But if I've signed off -or during the day if I have some down time - I read my book - a real book -but I read it standing up in the kitchen -leaning against the counter - like if I'm preparing food but waiting for something to cook/boil, etc.  That way at least I'm not sitting (bad for my lower back I find) and I'm also not sucked into my phone/social media.  Sometimes it's just for five-ten minutes but it's a good way to get out of the whole phone routine/sitting routine.  

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'd like to mention that there actually are men who either don't care much about a woman's size or actually prefer plus size women. I have a male friend who is very handsome, slim, six foot tall. He's a bit socially awkward but he's a really nice guy. He actually finds curvy and plus size women very attractive. He would always make comments about it. I remember he said he'd caught up with an ex- girlfriend and said she gained weight and she had "a very nice big butt". He'd make those kinds of comments often and I started a joke that his anthem song is that: "I like big butts and I cannot lie" lol

Many women who are that overweight have a much harder time getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy.  I carried around 37 pounds extra weight on my 5"2 frame when I was pregnant and just that extra weight was hard on my body.  This is not just a preference thing - this level of overweight -I am not a doc! - cannot be healthy for her heart, etc.  I would think.  

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Many women who are that overweight have a much harder time getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy.  I carried around 37 pounds extra weight on my 5"2 frame when I was pregnant and just that extra weight was hard on my body.  This is not just a preference thing - this level of overweight -I am not a doc! - cannot be healthy for her heart, etc.  I would think.  

Oh you don't have to tell me lol I'm actually 7 months pregnant. I haven't really posted anything about it because didn't really come up. I'm like 30 pounds overweight but now wishing I wasn't lol

Sure for health it's good to lose weight but still there are people who date overweight people. I have an obese friend and she's really confident and polyamorous and she's never short of partners.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Oh you don't have to tell me lol I'm actually 7 months pregnant. I haven't really posted anything about it because didn't really come up. I'm like 30 pounds overweight but now wishing I wasn't lol

Oh best wishes for a continued smooth pregnancy!  I loved being pregnant and loved the extra weight in my belly - I was a really cute pregnant woman! Separately, having extra weight was physically hard on my body -as far as not being able to stand for long periods of time/walk as fast.  I had no issue with how my body looked and I loved how my body looked.  I lost around 15 of the pounds shortly after birth and the last 10-15 took closer to 5 months.  I didn't like the feeling of the extra 10 pounds after and my doctor encouraged me to start exercising as soon as I could after my c-section.  My cholestorol was high because in my third trimester all I wanted to eat was red meat and dairy LOL.

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh best wishes for a continued smooth pregnancy!  I loved being pregnant and loved the extra weight in my belly - I was a really cute pregnant woman! Separately, having extra weight was physically hard on my body -as far as not being able to stand for long periods of time/walk as fast.  I had no issue with how my body looked and I loved how my body looked.  I lost around 15 of the pounds shortly after birth and the last 10-15 took closer to 5 months.  I didn't like the feeling of the extra 10 pounds after and my doctor encouraged me to start exercising as soon as I could after my c-section.  My cholestorol was high because in my third trimester all I wanted to eat was red meat and dairy LOL.

Wow you were lucky though with not much weight gain! Sadly I don't like red meat and still wasn't much into it during pregnancy so I'm actually iron deficient and having to take iron supplements. I've always been a more plus size woman so I'm used to it. Though I've never been actually huge. I think you would actually just call me curvy.

[Blue_Skirt]

13 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not happy. I'm 5'4' and 235 pounds. At my lightest, I was 125 pounds.

Alex, I needed to calculate your numbers to meters/centimeters and kilograms, since we use the metric system over here and I am always puzzled with feet/inches/pounds.

At age 30, you might still be fine, but you are going to run into all kinds of health challenges if you don’t change anything.

If I were you, I would stop thinking about dating all together for the moment and start working on improving your health and losing weight. You might need professional help with this.

Write down on a daily basis everything you eat and drink and what type of exercise you do and how long and continue to do so while implementing small changes in your daily routine.

Start every morning with drinking 1 or 2 glasses of water, then go for a walk around the block / in the park for just 10-15 minutes, build up slowly, add 5 minutes at a time. Whenever I go for a longer walk, I use my trekking poles that I bought for my hiking trips. This way, not all the weight is on your knees, because you “go on all 4” and you can use your arms to push yourself forward, so you train your arms as well. When you come back you have deserved a healthy breakfast.

After you have recorded your eating habits for 2-3 weeks, analyse them and think about healthier options. When I left my very stressful job 10 years ago, I drank 8-10 mugs of coffee every day. 2-3 years later, I was down to 4. I continued to make changes, and now I drink 1 coffee per day after my breakfast. Perhaps once or twice a month I might drink a 2nd coffee.

Instead of coffee, I now drink herbal infusions during the day. Google Susun Weed Herbal Infusions, she has videos on YouTube as well on how you make them. I love them, rotate them, so I drink every day / every 2 days a different one. During this hot summer, I have been drinking a lot of homemade cold hibiscus tea with a splash of lemon juice and ice, healthy and very refreshing. I generally sweeten my teas with the dried stevia herb (No artificial products derived from stevia). I add the stevia herb to the herb I am using to brew my tea. I also drink water during the day. It is important to stay hydrated. Very often when people think they are hungry, in fact they are just thirsty, so if you feel that way, go for a glass of water first before you go for a snack.

I cook almost all my food myself. I love cooking. I am looking for healthier options on a regular basis. This afternoon I had whole grain pasta for lunch with a homemade vegan Bolognese sauce with black lentils instead of meat. I make my own salad dressings, so I know what’s in them. I use more spices and herbs and less salt.

When I make soups / pasta sauces / curries, I always make a large quantity and put portions in the freezer or I can them. That way, if I don’t have much time to cook during the week, I always have a healthy meal in a short period of time.

I bought an airfryer a few years back, so if I now want fries, I make my own. I peel potatoes, cut them with the French fry cutter, rinse and dry them, put them in a bowl, add a tiny bit of oil, toss them around  and into the airfryer. This way they are less fatty and I still can have my fries.

As a snack, I might have some dried fruit, I love dates, or a few nuts, or simply an apple or other fruit.

I generally plan my meals for the week, and I bought a blackboard some years ago and I write my daily lunch and dinner with white chalk, like in a French bistro. You need to make things nice for yourself.

Also, instead of chatting on Facebook, take that time to search for healthy recipes. Don’t allow yourself to be bored. You are bored during the weekend? Go for a walk, start cooking / prepping for the week ahead, read a book!

Good luck and keep posting!

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Alex, I needed to calculate your numbers to meters/centimeters and kilograms, since we use the metric system over here and I am always puzzled with feet/inches/pounds.

At age 30, you might still be fine, but you are going to run into all kinds of health challenges if you don’t change anything.

If I were you, I would stop thinking about dating all together for the moment and start working on improving your health and losing weight. You might need professional help with this.

Write down on a daily basis everything you eat and drink and what type of exercise you do and how long and continue to do so while implementing small changes in your daily routine.

Start every morning with drinking 1 or 2 glasses of water, then go for a walk around the block / in the park for just 10-15 minutes, build up slowly, add 5 minutes at a time. Whenever I go for a longer walk, I use my trekking poles that I bought for my hiking trips. This way, not all the weight is on your knees, because you “go on all 4” and you can use your arms to push yourself forward, so you train your arms as well. When you come back you have deserved a healthy breakfast.

After you have recorded your eating habits for 2-3 weeks, analyse them and think about healthier options. When I left my very stressful job 10 years ago, I drank 8-10 mugs of coffee every day. 2-3 years later, I was down to 4. I continued to make changes, and now I drink 1 coffee per day after my breakfast. Perhaps once or twice a month I might drink a 2nd coffee.

Instead of coffee, I now drink herbal infusions during the day. Google Susun Weed Herbal Infusions, she has videos on YouTube as well on how you make them. I love them, rotate them, so I drink every day / every 2 days a different one. During this hot summer, I have been drinking a lot of homemade cold hibiscus tea with a splash of lemon juice and ice, healthy and very refreshing. I generally sweeten my teas with the dried stevia herb (No artificial products derived from stevia). I add the stevia herb to the herb I am using to brew my tea. I also drink water during the day. It is important to stay hydrated. Very often when people think they are hungry, in fact they are just thirsty, so if you feel that way, go for a glass of water first before you go for a snack.

I cook almost all my food myself. I love cooking. I am looking for healthier options on a regular basis. This afternoon I had whole grain pasta for lunch with a homemade vegan Bolognese sauce with black lentils instead of meat. I make my own salad dressings, so I know what’s in them. I use more spices and herbs and less salt.

When I make soups / pasta sauces / curries, I always make a large quantity and put portions in the freezer or I can them. That way, if I don’t have much time to cook during the week, I always have a healthy meal in a short period of time.

I bought an airfryer a few years back, so if I now want fries, I make my own. I peel potatoes, cut them with the French fry cutter, rinse and dry them, put them in a bowl, add a tiny bit of oil, toss them around  and into the airfryer. This way they are less fatty and I still can have my fries.

As a snack, I might have some dried fruit, I love dates, or a few nuts, or simply an apple or other fruit.

I generally plan my meals for the week, and I bought a blackboard some years ago and I write my daily lunch and dinner with white chalk, like in a French bistro. You need to make things nice for yourself.

Also, instead of chatting on Facebook, take that time to search for healthy recipes. Don’t allow yourself to be bored. You are bored during the weekend? Go for a walk, start cooking / prepping for the week ahead, read a book!

Good luck and keep posting!

Weed infusions sound fun 😜 Though I don't understand how someone could bear to give up coffee 😱

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Blue_Skirt said:

I needed to calculate your numbers to meters/centimeters and kilograms, since we use the metric system over here and I am always puzzled with feet/inches/pounds.

At age 30, you might still be fine, but you are going to run into all kinds of health challenges if you don’t change anything.

Agree, some help and a specific plan is needed to tackle this. A BMI of 40 is classified as severely obese, which is the point at which health issues are already happening.

 Alex see a doctor and perhaps join a weight loss support group or commercial diet plan. Treat the depression and anxiety.

You're only 30, but may already have health consequences. Make this your mission rather than planning weddings, baking or dating.

[Alex39]

Thanks for all the advice. I've on and off thought that I should not date and just focus on my health. Now I see I was right. 

I don't just sit dabbling on Facebook. I don't chat random people up. 

I do bake a lot, it's a relaxing, fun thing for me. 

I do enjoy cooking and I do cook good healthy meals. I love cooking. But I also have a habit or over loving ice cream, pastry, and bread. 

I'm trying hard now not to have it in the house. I often feel I stress eat because of my mother. I emotionally eat. I over treat myself. 

My old therapist actually felt that my eating was all due to family stress put on me. I didn't even realize it. 

Last night I rode my exercise bike for a half hour then danced around for another half. I felt great after. I am really going to start focus on the eating. And working out daily, even if I have to squeeze it in. 

My work day consists of sitting on a computer. That's hard. 

I'm not big on doctors, but I do have some early signs of diabetes. I know I have to lose the weight. I don't want to be unhealthy. I need to start now. My health is too important. I'm a pretty girl. Always been told I have a pretty face. I need to get my body back to its healthiest. I want to be healthy. It's hard. My dad is heavy and has type II diabetes. My grandparents both had type II. It's genetic. I can't let myself fall into it anymore. 

[boltnrun]

You can overcome genetics with a healthy lifestyle.

You don't "try" not to have unhealthy foods in your home. Just don't buy them! Skip the ice cream and cookie aisles at the store and avoid the fresh bakery. And do NOT purchase preservative-laden snack cakes! Those are just awful. Bonus is you'll have extra money to buy hiking poles and a good pair of walking shoes.

If you're inside all day working, why stay inside to work out? Go outside! There's so much nature. Even if you live in a big city there are always green spaces. And there's likely to be a nice big open space with walking trails just outside the city. Or walk around exploring your neighborhood. I like to walk downtown and see all the people out there enjoying the shops and restaurants. If I don't want to be tempted to buy goodies I just leave my debit card at home.

Alex, you can do this. It's easy to do unless you allow yourself to talk you out of it. Don't. Tell yourself "I'm already awesome and this is making me even more awesome".

And finally, do NOT share this with your mom! She will either discourage you or she'll say you're doing everything wrong. So just don't.

[gamon]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do bake a lot, it's a relaxing, fun thing for me. 

I do enjoy cooking and I do cook good healthy meals. I love cooking. But I also have a habit or over loving ice cream, pastry, and bread. 

 

It doesn't MATTER that you love cooking and baking is a "fun, relaxing, thing".

You're destroying yourself with your bad habits.

Make better choices, there's a lot of ways to spend your time other than baking, cooking, and overeating the wrong foods.

 

[Blue_Skirt]

Alex, you may want to read up on "calorie density of foods".

[boltnrun]

Just now, Blue_Skirt said:

Alex, you may want to read up on "calorie density of foods".

It's also not just calories but the type of calories.

Half a brownie might be "low calorie" compared to a whole one, but those are not healthy calories. You could have an entire banana or some low fat sugar free yogurt with fruit for a similar amount of calories, but they'll have nutritional value rather than be laden with sugar and fat.

Potatoes are healthy but fry them up in oil, cover them with salt and dip them in ketchup and you have a salty, fatty mess. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

over loving ice cream, pastry, and bread. 

I love those things too so much -not pastry -but cookies/cake - I do portion control for decades now and it works for me.  I've emotionally eaten in the past and still have the desire at times. I work on it every day and am successful -especially for the last 5 years- 99% of the time.  And when I do I do not binge.  I have never been overweight other than around 6 months in my 20s because of a bad birth control pill and for the 5 months it took me to lose weight post-pregnancy at age 42.  

I highly recommend a sensible weight loss plan like Weight Watchers.  I think you can do that and date at the same time - focus on your health overall and that includes socializing and dating if it goes that way.

If you love baking and cooking volunteer at a soup kitchen where you can help cook and bake and where you can't eat or taste what you're baking/cooking.

Good luck!

[Blue_Skirt]

I was not simply talking calories in general, but calorie density of foods.

If you eat foods with a low calorie density, such as salads, you can eat a lot of salad and have a low calorie intake. If you have a cup of ice cream or a cup of chopped carrots, your stomach will be equally full, but your calorie intake from a cup of carrots is way lower.

I think it is best to exchange foods with a high calorie density with food with a low(er) calorie density. That’s why for example I make my own salary dressings and don’t add a lot of oil to my dressings. Same for the example with the airfryer for French fries. I still get to eat French fries every now and then without the fries having been drenched in oil.

[waffle]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think fat is hideous at all.  I think a woman can look very beautiful in many different body sizes and shapes.  I thought I looked darn cute when I gained 37 pounds while I was pregnant.  I got hit on twice and I was 42! I think in the dating world when a woman is in her 30s and dating men in her age group looking overweight/out of shape is a fairly typical reason for a man to decline to date her or decline to date more than a few times.  

Oh, I agree with you.  I just can't believe we're on here telling women "make yourself attractive so men will want to see you again."  🙄

[Tinydance]

End of the day I think the main thing is if you're happy in yourself or not and you're not happy Alex. And you're not very confident because you said: "I keep trying to think what turns people off about me". Why! You should be thinking you're great! You should be your own biggest cheerleader. 

[waffle]

Yes!  And my point is don't change/lose weight/whatever in hopes that some guy will now like you, do it for yourself.  Can't stress that enough.

[DarkCh0c0]

I'd like to add a different take to this...

I've seen couples who are around the same body weight and who both love food. They have this foodie/cooking interest in common and it brings them closer to each other.

So, from one side, I do think you can aim to be healthy and lose weight. But, don't forget to aim to a goal that makes you happy. You don't need to lose to weight to find a man. So, it would be a good idea to embrace who you are as in today and appreciate your unique look. Once you appreciate and enjoy yourself, potential partners will follow suit.

[boltnrun]

21 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not happy.

This is how Alex responded when I asked her if she's happy at the weight she currently is. It isn't to get a man or to appease society. If Alex wants to lose weight because it would make HER happy then I'M happy to try to help her do so.