I have a date

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So - real question -do you want your body scrutinized on a first date to that extent? Kind of... picked apart in that way? It's ironic how you were so anxious that he might notice you were heavier than your Facebook photo and yet you focused on his body type to the extent that you could analyze whether he was "perfectly sculpted" or not. 

I took the observation as a good one. He wasn't overly obsessed with sculpting, and I gathered from this that she felt more comfortable with him.

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So - real question -do you want your body scrutinized on a first date to that extent? Kind of... picked apart in that way? It's ironic how you were so anxious that he might notice you were heavier than your Facebook photo and yet you focused on his body type to the extent that you could analyze whether he was "perfectly sculpted" or not. 

It's not that I'm scrutinizing him. I'm scrutinizing myself. If he was muscular and very athletic,I figure he won't like me. 

[greendots]

57 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It's not that I'm scrutinizing him. I'm scrutinizing myself. If he was muscular and very athletic,I figure he won't like me. 

Why are you putting yourself down? A muscular guy and very athletic man can be interested in you. It seems this guy does. Enjoy it. See where it leads. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 I thought he was sweet, respectful, kind, treated the wait staff well. 

That's all you need to know. Microanalysis is ridiculous for someone you met once.

Most of your post is anxiety and projecting your own fears such as eye contact or questions or "sculpted". 

He just saw you. Why would he chat on social media with you right away?

Stop trying to read the tea leaves. Some time this week keep your word and contact him to suggest an activity date as you promised. 

You need to participate in your own success. Not just hide and look for reassurance or worse, playing sour grapes already by picking him apart because he's human or forgot stupid questions or has a dadbod.🙄

Remember the saying about glass houses. You're way too picky.

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I took the observation as a good one. He wasn't overly obsessed with sculpting, and I gathered from this that she felt more comfortable with him.

Oh ok -that's another way of looking at it -I didn't read it that way -I saw it as her assessment of his body/her resulting level of attraction. Certainly I get it if you notice that someone isn't trying to show off perfect sculpting.  Thanks for sharing!

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, greendots said:

Why are you putting yourself down? A muscular guy and very athletic man can be interested in you. It seems this guy does. Enjoy it. See where it leads. 🙂

Oh! Wow -yes I agree with this totally! I think people who are athletic might want a partner who is also into the same sport -like tennis -depending on the sport and how people participate but not because of looks.

[lostandhurt]

Thank you for answering my questions.  I asked more for you than for us.  I wanted you to quantify your feelings about him in writing so it was more real and thought  out.

 No matter what happens with this guy you did great so head held high on this one.

 Let us know how it goes

We are all pulling for you

Lost

[boltnrun]

Bottom line, don't allow yourself to get all twisted up over some man you didn't even know existed a few short weeks ago.  You went on a date and had a nice time.  That's a great positive step all on its own.

[Kwothe28]

17 hours ago, Alex39 said:

It's not that I'm scrutinizing him. I'm scrutinizing myself. If he was muscular and very athletic,I figure he won't like me. 

And if you were 30 pounds lighter, you probably wouldnt see him even with a binoculars lol

Anyway, I dont think it matters. Looks is something that is initial "kicker" because we usually dont know anything else about the person beside how they look. After that, its more other stuff that its important. If you both liked each other enough to go on date, dont think looks could be an issue for both sides unless one or both is very superficial about it.

Has he contacted you or is he still golfing?

[Alex39]

So sadly, things seem to have fizzled. He said many times he'd like to see me again after our Thursday date. Friday I didn't hear from him all day so later at night I texted him. He answered and it seemed good. Then on Saturday he messaged me and seemed back on track. He even remembered I had a bridal shower that day. I was so busy, that I messaged him back many many hours later when I got home and responded as well as asked about him. He responded then. I responded back. And now it's Mobday night and I haven't heard from him since. Seems like maybe he just isn't interested? 

 

I was very confused and annoyed Friday, but honestly I'm fine now. It fizzled. It was one date. It is what it is. 

[greendots]

He remembered your bridal shower - that's a good sign. Don't worry too much about texting, you don't want a texting buddy anyway. And to be honest he might be just a tad busy at the moment. Should he be interested he'll ask you out again.

Having said that, why don't you ask him out for a cup of coffee or something? You've got nothing to lose. Besides, more dates keeps things moving forward. 🙂

 

[mylolita]

Hey Alex,

 

Whether your dates go anywhere or not, in my opinion, it’s absolutely normal and lovely with her excited! It‘s normal and okay to be nervous! It’s okay to let your mind wander and it’s quite normal to start criticising yourself or second guessing (sometimes part of the first date nerves!).

 

If you were calculated and cold and matter of fact my dear you would be more of a robot, not a woman! We are human, after all! The other person will likely be nervous and feeling self conscious too. It’s all okay and very natural.

 

If your thinking starts bothering you, or you really start getting down in yourself - not so good. But general jitters, excitement, anticipation, wondering what to wear, getting flustered over “nothing by looks good on me d**n it!” and a 5000 before date outfit change is all really human and… lovely! 
 

I’m just trying to say - it’s all okay in my book. I wouldn’t worry about it all too much. Just think it’s natural, and I’m right on track. Enjoy your dates and remember! A date is for you to screen them! It’s your interview, so to speak. You are seeing whether this person is going to meet what you need. Don’t settle for second best and enjoy the butterflies and the wondering and all of it, it’s a lovely part of life. 
 

I’ve only ever been on two dates in my life. My husband was my second, and we both look back and say we were so nervous! I changed what I was gonna wear about a billion times and ended up heading out rushed and late, and he had put on a dress shirt which now knowing him after 15 years is not him at all! But he outright told me, with a grin, that he knew I was into fashion and thought well, I better make the effort! It broke the ice and we got laughing and couldn’t stop talking.

 

When you meet the right guy, you’ll know. Trust your feelings Alex! Have more confidence in your own heart and mind.

 

x

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, greendots said:

why don't you ask him out for a cup of coffee or something?

I was going to suggest the same. 

At least then you will know if he's still interested, Alex. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 now it's Mobday night and I haven't heard from him since. Seems like maybe he just isn't interested?

It's unclear why you're going back to a textationship. There's nothing "back on track" about that. It's going backwards.

If you do like him, it's unclear why you need to tell him how busy you are and with what rather than keep your word and follow up on that activity date You suggested.

Unfortunately it seems like all you want is these penpals. It seems "things fizzled" because you wanted them to.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/2/2022 at 10:51 AM, Alex39 said:

He said that we should do it again.  I agreed and mentioned maybe we could do an activity next time. 

Why aren't you coming up with and suggesting this "activity date"? 

What's wrong with you inviting him to play mini golf or something?

Was this just a free dinner to you or would you like to see him again and follow up on your suggestion?

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So sadly, things seem to have fizzled. He said many times he'd like to see me again after our Thursday date. Friday I didn't hear from him all day so later at night I texted him. He answered and it seemed good. Then on Saturday he messaged me and seemed back on track. He even remembered I had a bridal shower that day. I was so busy, that I messaged him back many many hours later when I got home and responded as well as asked about him. He responded then. I responded back. And now it's Mobday night and I haven't heard from him since. Seems like maybe he just isn't interested? 

 

I was very confused and annoyed Friday, but honestly I'm fine now. It fizzled. It was one date. It is what it is. 

I was on a number of One Date Wonders including a coffee first meet that became a three hour first meet and he asked if he could accompany me to the grocery store after (told him I would leave at the store as opposed to him walking me home as I had to pick up a few things).

I told him with a smile that I didn't grocery shop on the first date and looked forward to seeing him again.  Never heard from him.  Another guy during our one hour first meet kept exclaiming -I'M GOING TO CALL YOU!! -like three times.  He called.  Three weeks later with a lame voice mail.  (No I did not return the call). 

The guy who before we parted after a first meet asked if I wanted to see a particular movie the following weekend.  I said yes! He said he'd call to firm up plans.  No call.  It's a sucky part of meeting people and I'm sorry. 

What I did though -I stopped chatting unless we had another date planned.  So if the guy seemed to want a chat buddy after the first date but wasn't trying to make a specific plan to see me or follow up on wanting to make a plan I would respond in a nice way "I don't have much time to chat back and forth these days - look forward to seeing you again when you have time." 

Why should a man get the benefit of your time if he's not willing to firm up plans/ask you out on a proper date?  Obviously he knows how to make golf plans.  

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  Just writing to say it's typical and move along.  Gotta be in it to win it.  

[Batya33]

You may not just know and that's totally fine.  Even better than fine as what you think is your gut might be insecurity/desperation/fear of being alone.  

I also know of couples who just knew, based on their gut, based on all the right reasons.  And it's not the only way by far to build a wonderful relationship.

There are no guarantees but if you keep letting yourself get your hopes up about a first meet becoming a first date or a first date becoming a second and then react by crashing and getting jaded/cynical you risk getting in your own way.  It's the only reason I feel I kept going on so many many dates -because I kept my expectations realistic and had a really thick skin so I was ready with an open heart and mind when my husband and I reconnected after all those years.

[mylolita]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You may not just know and that's totally fine.  Even better than fine as what you think is your gut might be insecurity/desperation/fear of being alone.  

I also know of couples who just knew, based on their gut, based on all the right reasons.  And it's not the only way by far to build a wonderful relationship.

There are no guarantees but if you keep letting yourself get your hopes up about a first meet becoming a first date or a first date becoming a second and then react by crashing and getting jaded/cynical you risk getting in your own way.  It's the only reason I feel I kept going on so many many dates -because I kept my expectations realistic and had a really thick skin so I was ready with an open heart and mind when my husband and I reconnected after all those years.

Hey Batya!

 

Good points about not letting things get under your skin!

 

Do you mind me asking - why did it not work out the first time round with your husband? The length of time inbetween is so interesting, that it was different for you both second time round!

 

Also Alex - it seems you need to trust in your own feelings! And stop looking to others for approval - approve yourself! Don’t look to your Mum, or the men you meet, or even us on here. You know what’s deep in your heart. You need a bit more confidence in your own decision making! 
 

x

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was very confused and annoyed Friday, but honestly I'm fine now. It fizzled. It was one date. It is what it is. 

Are you always prone to "limerence"? People prone to limerence have extreme highs and lows when it comes to their dates and relationships. For example, OK, it was just one date. But its not good to have so much oscilations. He messaged you on Saturday and everything was OK but now(Tuesday here, guessing Tuesday morning in USA) everything is not OK? What happens if he messages again? Is everything back on track?

You cant do that to yourself. Its OK  if its going on or it fizzles. But you need to be more steady about it. Also, yes, its OK if you suggest some activity. Its not like he avoids you and he even remembered your thing. So he might want to do something together.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey Batya!

 

Good points about not letting things get under your skin!

 

Do you mind me asking - why did it not work out the first time round with your husband? The length of time inbetween is so interesting, that it was different for you both second time round!

 

Also Alex - it seems you need to trust in your own feelings! And stop looking to others for approval - approve yourself! Don’t look to your Mum, or the men you meet, or even us on here. You know what’s deep in your heart. You need a bit more confidence in your own decision making! 
 

x

Because we both changed a lot in 7 years and I had become the right person to find the right person.  What was key is we didn't try to get back together really before that -a month after I wanted to, he said no.  And we had no insurmountable baggage  -no cheating/betrayal and an amicable break up.

Agree with your advice!

[mylolita]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because we both changed a lot in 7 years and I had become the right person to find the right person.  What was key is we didn't try to get back together really before that -a month after I wanted to, he said no.  And we had no insurmountable baggage  -no cheating/betrayal and an amicable break up.

Agree with your advice!

It’s very fortunate that neither one of you married, had children and then potentially divorced in that time Batya! A very lucky in love streak! I know a lot can happen in only a few years - you must have really been waiting for each other in some way! 
 

With right person, right time - I always found that saying a totally corny cliche people shot off when they’re being lazy, but there is a shred of truth in it, I can see now. For example, your own story, and also, my husband often said, if I had met him when he was in his teens, I never would have accepted him! (By the way, there is a near 10 year age gap so it wouldn’t have been possible but, y’know, theoretically speaking!). I disagree with him but, ya never know! People do change. Even ones who think they haven’t! I don’t believe you can go through this circus of life unaltered by any of it! 
 

I suppose OP - if I were single and looking at my dating future career 🥲 I would have to see it as fun and enjoy all the big and little things and shrug off the rest! Most people are nervous on a first date in some way - they are in the same boat after all! 
 

x

[greendots]

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example, OK, it was just one date. But its not good to have so much oscilations. He messaged you on Saturday and everything was OK but now(Tuesday here, guessing Tuesday morning in USA) everything is not OK? What happens if he messages again? Is everything back on track?

This! I've been there before - ridden with anxiety. Not pretty when your mood is predicated by whether a man texts you back or not. Listening to uplifting / calming music as well as talking to a friend is something that has helped me deal with it in the past. Alternatively, maybe a 4-7-8 breathing technique might help calm nerves down?

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, greendots said:

This! I've been there before - ridden with anxiety. Not pretty when your mood is predicated by whether a man texts you back or not. Listening to uplifting / calming music as well as talking to a friend is something that has helped me deal with it in the past. Alternatively, maybe a 4-7-8 breathing technique might help calm nerves down?

Love the weil method of 4-7-8 breathing! To me the only sign that a man is interested in taking a woman out on a date is if he asks her out on a date -time and place- typing messages to her doesn't mean he's interested in dating her and reading into typed messages as signs is what triggers the anxiety IMO.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, mylolita said:

I suppose OP - if I were single and looking at my dating future career 🥲 I would have to see it as fun and enjoy all the big and little things and shrug off the rest! Most people are nervous on a first date in some way - they are in the same boat after all! 

I felt more of that way in my teens/early 20s.  Not when my clock started ticking. Then it wasn't fun and enjoyable a significant part of the time -often it was like a part time job.  1000% worth the work, time and effort!

[Tinydance]

I think that's great you went on a date but I also think it might be better if you adopt a lighter and more carefree attitude about dating. It sounds like you over analyse a lot and also put too much investment in guys who you are either not actually dating or only been on one date.

As I've mentioned in one of my previous posts, I think it's good to keep your options open. You can do online dating,  speed dating, singles events. Going to Meetup groups, just putting yourself out there as much as possible. You can go on dates but if you don't really know the person maybe try not to invest too much. Just enjoy the process of going out and meeting people. A lot of dating might not lead to anything and in most cases it's nothing about you. It's just a lack of chemistry and/or compatibility. I don't think it has anything to do with your weight unless you're obese or something.