What does my married colleague want?

[Gardenofeden]

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips. The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father. 

We said we would be friends - he particularly stressed he wanted this to be the case because it’s not just physical. 

We chat a fair bit both during and outside of working hours but I can’t help feel that conversation sometimes crosses the line. Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend? He’s sent me screenshots about his vasectomy etc and I thought you would avoid any subject like that given our history. 

the other day he knew I was upset by a colleague so offered to ring me when he was driving to collect friends - was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? It can be a bit hot and cold. I didn’t expect him to message me while on a family holiday but he checked in a sent a selfie which was a first, but then in the next conversation referenced his wife by name. 

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Gardenofeden said:

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips.  Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

The question is what are you getting out of sleeping with a married coworker?

Are you married or in a relationship, live with your BF or his parents?

What does this messy workplace romance offer you besides rejection? 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

What does my married colleague want?

More sex? You already crossed the line so he is keeping you there in case he wants more. Its always that when it comes to affairs. Dont fool yourself how he is going to leave his wife or something like that, its an affair. You got caught in itso you better watch out and put the wall there if you dont want him to be more innapropriate with you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gardenofeden said:

 offered to ring me when he was driving was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? 

C'mon. You know better than this. Stop chasing married men. Especially co-workers. Are you desperate or unattractive? Can't you get a BF of your own? Or do you have one?

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Gardenofeden said:

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

He’s confused and all the above. Remember he’s a father also and he’s been confusing all his roles as colleague, father and spouse/partner. Also, cheaters have exceptionally poor boundaries and are naturally avoidant (disliking confrontation). 

He will continue to check in with you as long as it flies under the radar where it comes to his wife and his family and wife will always come first. Yes, you are an ego boost and yes, you are second, third, fourth, last place wherever his personal life is concerned. 

What is happening at work and are you regularly upset with colleagues or the work? Address this because you may be stalling your career and stuck some place you no longer need to be. Is this a good company or is it warped and rotted by relationships like this with colleagues or bosses sleeping with subordinates etc? Ask yourself what kind of life you’d rather be living instead of facing each day with confusion. Think big, go back to the drawing board and see whether you can do better. 

[Lambert]

I think you know this situation is a no win for you. 

This guy isn't a real friend.  Real friends don't have to be hidden from spouses because there was some cheating on multiple occasions.

Cheaters are selfish people that need attention.

5 hours ago, Gardenofeden said:

feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

Yes, to both.  No matter how you slice this you are being used and disrespected by him and by you. 

What is going on with you that you would even want to be friends with this guy?  Or that you would want to have sex with a married guy?  Is it just need for sex?  I am sure you can find single guys to have sex with & no relationship, if that's what you are looking for.

Work on getting more going on in your personal life so that these little breadcrumbs from a married guy at work don't weigh on you so much.  Because really-- he ended the affair and that's all you need to know.

My dad used to say, whenever you are so focused on what someone else is doing, that means you don't have enough in your own life.  So that's where you need to start putting your focus.  

[reinventmyself]

It's almost impossible to understand the magnitude of what he stands to lose by engaging you in this way.  His life, family, his wife, his relationship with his children, his social circle, his home and his career.

One wrong move and his life is shattered.   

It turns the light back on you and what exactly is in this for you?  Have you thought this through? And what is it in your character that makes all this ok?  Don't you believe you deserve better?

[HeartGoesOn]

If you were to question what you mean to him, wait until his wife catches wind of this.  He'll deny ever knowing you, and will likely accuse you of being a trouble maker, stalker, etc.  

In short, this will not end well, and don't feel you're the exception...you're not.

Raise the bar...

 

[itsallgrand]

8 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

If you were to question what you mean to him, wait until his wife catches wind of this.  He'll deny ever knowing you, and will likely accuse you of being a trouble maker, stalker, etc.  

In short, this will not end well, and don't feel you're the exception...you're not.

Raise the bar...

 

This is what I was thinking too. He'd turn on you in a second to protect his own butt.

He might be enjoying the ego boost, he might hope for more later again, he might be trying to keep your mouth shut. Whatever he's doing it for, it's with his interests in mind only - not you, not his wife, it's about him.

Have you lost sight of that ? 

[smackie9]

You are not being friends, you are still in an emotional affair...he's still checking in, protecting you, sending selfies....all this is inappropriate. If the wife finds out....means you two shouldn't be doing any of this. IMO it's time to cut the cord because none of this is healthy. Just think about his poor wife and kids...why be a part of his deceit? I agree this is all about him...he's having his family and a little cake on the side. Sorry to say this but you got roped into something isn't what you think. If he really wanted to be with you and was in love, he would have left everything to be with you. You are being used. I hope you get yourself out of this situation...and not let him drag you down. 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Gardenofeden said:

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

In case he changes his mind.... about what?  Whether he wants more than just a 'friendship' with you again?

Would you dare let him?  😕 

As mentioned, 1) He is a co worker and 2) he is married!

Why you even think twice about this situation, I have no idea 😕 .

PLEASE get your head on straight and just steer clear of people like this.

You  have been given many reasons why.

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Gardenofeden said:

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips. The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father. 
... offered to ring me when he was driving to collect friends - was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? 

Okay, so it's a married guy.

Sure, he has a lot to lose, and not just kids or marriage, but his reputation at work and possibly his job.

So whatever he needs to say to pacify you as his 'friend,' he'll try to sound generous enough to do that.

But is your question really about him, or might you want to work out what, exactly YOU want out of this?

[jul-els]

Regardless of what he’s driving at, it’s wasting your time. Tell him you want to keep your relationship on a professional level going forward. 

[Jaunty]

Why don't you just stop?

[Tinydance]

I don't see why he would continue talking to you unless he still wants the option to have sex with you again when another opportunity comes up. If he really felt bad then he would stop contacting you. Just wondering why you are still talking to him? Are you interested in continuing the affair? What are your goals and aspirations for a relationship? E.g. marriage, kids? I guess my point is wouldn't you rather be with a single guy who just wants to be with you and has nobody else? 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/15/2022 at 4:18 AM, Gardenofeden said:

I just feel very confused about what he wants 

It's obvious he wants to play tiddlywinks.

[Superstickyone]

It's all been said above   I think you are both getting ego boosts from the situation.

I was in a similar predicament. I'm afraid you have put your office reputation at risk.  MM I was stupidly involved with told some of his co workers.  Suddenly other MM were dropping by my desk regularly.  I wonder why?  Answer:  My reputation as a slu** with no boundaries made its way down the grapevine!

I had to leave that office to regain my self respect.

Please move to another dept or leave the company!!