How do I stop feeling jealous and angry towards couples?

[boltnrun]

BTW, there's a YouTuber who is 5'4", weighs 340 pounds, is bald and has a dark red blotch in one of his eyes. And he comes from a struggling Hispanic family. Guess what? He has a girlfriend! He didn't run home when when a taller, handsome friend was getting attention from the ladies instead of him and he didn't rage. He met his girlfriend at work and they hit it off. Their personalities meshed. But if he had been glowering or running off or raging about how unfair it is that's he's short and bald and overweight I doubt his girlfriend would have gone on even one date with him.

Like I said a half dozen times, it's a choice. Isn't it more fun to be positive and have a healthy outlook on life? Or would you rather wallow and rage?

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Okay, well I'm not comfortable talking about it, but I have a physical deformity.

I'm sorry about this. But please read my most recent response. That guy I mentioned has a physical deformity. Men who use wheelchairs, who are missing limbs, etc. have wives and girlfriends.

[Tinydance]

Well my guess would be that you're not actually disadvantaged in every single aspect of life. Maybe somewhat disadvantaged appearance wise but yet not in everything. For example, you're tall.

Jealousy is a natural emotion and I know it's easy to envy people. I sometimes felt the same. I think your views are actually skewed though. People who are very attractive, rich, high social status are actually a minority. The majority of people are just your average "Joe" or "Jane". You don't honestly think that every person has those things? Most people aren't rich and just work normal, medium salary jobs. Most people don't get a big inheritance or are from a royal family or something.

You say you're looking around at couples but are you only choosing to actually "see" couples where the guys are attractive? Because I'm sure in most of the couples you see the people are only average. There are also people who you may consider stereotypically unappealing, for example obese people or people in a wheelchair and yet many of them have found a partner too. 

I think all the guys you see with girlfriends did in a sense "earn" their girlfriend because they somehow put themselves out there, got to know these women and these women liked them. I don't buy this whole: "Women only go for hot guys" because there is only a small portion of hot guys. So women just go for average guys and it's because they got to know those guys and they felt a connection.

It's true that women might approach attractive guys more and maybe they don't work much for it. But in other cases, such as yourself you need to actually make an effort to meet women. Women don't throw themselves at guys just randomly so that's not just towards you personally. Usually they meet guys through online dating, social groups, friends, hobbies, work, etc. They just start talking to guys and if they're clicking they might date them. Are you putting yourself in environments where you can speak to women? If not then how can you find them?

Also as you can understand, there are women who don't just have guys throwing themselves at them either. Women who are unattractive, shy, disabled, and so on. They're looking for someone to love too so you could be just the guy they want. I remember I saw a couple once at a party, a very obese girl and a guy with a big birthmark on his face. They met on online dating and they were very in love and happy. The girl was showing off her engagement ring he proposed to her with! 

Also I work with people with disabilities and one woman I take care of is in a wheelchair and has some intellectual disability. She met her husband at work who also has some intellectual disability and they've been together for 16 years. They are inseparable and have a great relationship. I even used to be jealous of them lol

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I know it's not their fault, but it feels like they're rubbing their happiness in my face. 

How do I overcome this before it destroys me?

Change the way you think.  Accept that life is not always fair.

Instead of focusing on others, concentrate on yourself.  Succeed in your own right.  Work hard and prosper.  Get healthy.  Have hobbies, interests, delve into intellectual pursuits and the like.  Find happiness from within. 

Once people perceive your peace and security, they will automatically gravitate towards you without your having to try.   Build self confidence by accomplishing and achieving. 

People are not rubbing their happiness in your face.  The problem is you're paying far too much attention on them instead of yourself.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I mean, I want to be physically fit. But if I sit at home gorging on fatty junk food and never exercise I won't ever be fit. Should I rage at physically fit people, insisting they have it easier than me? 

Yep, and come sit next to me. I can offer you chips. We can watch the pretty people exercising in the park and make snide comments.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I wish there was something any of us could say that would magically unlock your mind to considering anything beyond sentencing yourself to misery.

Whenever I'm locked on a position I'm equally as diligent at finding 'proof' to support it. The difference is that I choose to believe what's in my own favor. So when I win the lottery, my plans are in place, and I'm already enjoying all the spending and donating and investments.

When you find yourself getting angry at couples, how do you talk yourself out of that state, or what do you do to move past it? What kinds of things do you like to do, and what do you focus on to reward yourself whenever you need to motivate yourself to get something done?

 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

It may help you to look up BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). I'm not trying to diagnose you, not at all. I just find similar traits and I would like you to feel less alone and not identify so much with the destructive thought patterns you share in this topic. You seem to be obsessed with physical appearance, magnifying your own flaws, not able to see a bigger picture. I think the anger and jealousy are just a consequence of you living in a pressure cooker for too long. But the actual pressure cooker is your own head, not the societal standards. You don't need to agree with standards someone else is forcing onto you. What I think you need to do is broaden your perspective and the anger will naturally dissolve. Easier said than done but that should be the overall course of action.

I'm familiar with a certain extent of bitterness. The main difference is that I turn it inwards - I'm angry and brutally critical to myself, not to the people around me that seemingly have it going on for them. I've had episodes where I've been depressed and suicidal, at times when it felt like "game over". I have a visual difference (no hair), I have the conventionally beautiful friend (love her to bits because of who she is), I've felt invisible/ignored many times, no matter how much effort I've put, I've cried myself to sleep, etc.

I'm also in therapy. We've agreed with my therapist I'm letting it all out, whatever comes to mind, so we can work on it. Many times I've sat and listened to myself spilling out an endless chain of impossibilities. Bitterness is something you simply can't argue with, it has a "not gonna happen, because" attitude to every suggestion. It's lonely and it hurts. But it's also just a certain way of thinking, certain brain path, if you may. There are other ways your brain can be rewired, more constructive ones.

So, please, look into therapy. It won't make your flaws go away, it won't find you a girlfriend but it'll give you the tools to come to a better headspace and from there you'll feel you have more opportunities. Don't make having a girlfriend an end goal. Your goal should be to find the joy in living and connecting, the rest will follow.

Some people come to life with a full box of colourful crayons. Others - with a black pencil. All of us have the opportunity to create something beautiful with what we're given. Kicking against that will just exhaust you. Life's not fair or unfair - it's impersonal, objective. It's the hurt, ungrounded ego that tries to draw a line, put people above or below it and tries to find where it stands. If it's not hurt, it won't need to do that.

Hope it makes sense. You'll feel discouraged a million times on this path, you'll have episodes where you'll feel you're back at square one but as long as you're alive, you have the chance to improve the quality of your life. If you do nothing, you'll turn dangerous to yourself or others.

[Wiseman2]

Your other thread was closed?:

 

[poorlittlefish]

You are consciously or subconsciously seeking out evidence to support your belief, while disregarding everything that contradicts it.  If you're walking down a busy street and only looking for what you perceive to be handsome guys with girlfriends, that's not a fair analysis.  If you look at literally everyone you will see short guys, fat guys, plain guys, downright ugly guys etc and many of them will have wives and girlfriends "despite" what you think are shortcomings.  They probably consider themselves very differently to the way you consider them and the way you consider yourself.  Do the partners of all these non-handsome guys look like supermodels?  Of course not, yet they are happy together. 

Please get some help to reduce your biased ways of thinking as this will help your overall outlook.

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, metalfantom said:

But I never said that I was "entitled" to anything? 

However, you can't deny that a proportion of men have an advantage over others through factors outside of their control. It is somewhat naïve to believe in a just-world fallacy where everyone gets what they deserve.

Life isn't fair. There is no guarantee of romantic relationships let alone finding the right person.  Took me many years, lots of hard work, sweat and tears.  I can relate to the jealousy as I felt that way for years about married couples with kids -but jealousy not anger at the couples.  I knew of some smug married people -that was frustrating in addition.  I don't act that way. 

My husband is attractive and shorter than average so objectively not one of the "catches" as far as looks I guess (I always preferred shorter men).  I'm not jealous of couples where the men are objectively more attractive -no feelings on the matter as I found my person (and I'm certainly not an objective 10 - my 13 year old son even implied that while he thinks I am beautiful since I am in my 50s I can no longer be classified as "hot" LOL)

In fact as poorlittle fish posted "shory guys" don't fall into the category of attractive.  This is what my husband had to deal with and what my son will have to as he will be shorter than average. It's sad (but increased my dating pool since I preferred shorter men -woo hoo!!) -this is why it's ridiculous to play the comparison game when there are so many who believe height is related to attractiveness in men.  I mean even on my moms groups there are so many posts of women bragging about how tall their male children are/going to be as if it's an accomplishment.  Ugh.

I'm sorry you feel that way and that you feel that life should be fair and that those people are not deserving. Some of them are not. For sure.  Some are -but it's none of your concern as most of these people are strangers to you.

I'd rechannel my anger/jealousy into doing something every day however small to make changes in your own life.  Good luck and I'm sorry you're upset.

[metalfantom]

18 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Well, one thing most everyone you see in a relationship has in common? They put themselves out there, got scraped and bruised plenty, but found a way to stay open. The super hot, the super charming: they too get burned, hurt, are not insulated from all you seem to fear. 

Do you know the difference? Physically attractive/charming men can suffer the knockbacks because they know sooner or later they'll score. It's a numbers game for them. Someone in my position could awkwardly approach 100 girls and maybe one or two might be friendly out of pity but my confidence would be long shot before I reach that tally. 

Come on, what self-respecting woman wants to date a physical and social freak? I wouldn't be surprised if there was something subconsciously that turns women off me. Maybe that evolutionary part of the brain senses that I have no genetic value, so they've already rejected me before I've said a word.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Do you know the difference? Physically attractive/charming men can suffer the knockbacks because they know sooner or later they'll score.

Score as in sex/a date? Sure maybe.  I thought you were talking about committed couples.  No -being attractive looking is a guarantee of nothing.  Feeling rejected is part of dating.  For me it was worth it because I wanted marriage and family.  Otherwise it would not have been.  I would not have dated a man with poor social skills or whose physical features repulsed me.  

[metalfantom]

18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry about this. But please read my most recent response. That guy I mentioned has a physical deformity. Men who use wheelchairs, who are missing limbs, etc. have wives and girlfriends.

I don't doubt that but you know these men are the exceptions, not the rule, right? I bet for every disabled/deformed guy with a loving partner, there's a bazillion like me rotting in loneliness.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, metalfantom said:

I don't doubt that but you know these men are the exceptions, not the rule, right? I bet for every disabled/deformed guy with a loving partner, there's a bazillion like me rotting in loneliness.

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends?

[metalfantom]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Score as in sex/a date? Sure maybe.  I thought you were talking about committed couples.  No -being attractive looking is a guarantee of nothing.  Feeling rejected is part of dating.  For me it was worth it because I wanted marriage and family.  Otherwise it would not have been.

Well, you gotta score a date before it leads anywhere else. Don't get me wrong, I know that compatibility and chemistry is the key to a long-term relationship. I'm just saying that attractive people obviously have a higher success rate on first impressions, so they can take the knockbacks. 

[metalfantom]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends?

I have a couple of good friends but they've all moved away due to work commitments. They're also all settling down with girlfriends now, so I seldom get to see them. 

[Batya33]

Just now, metalfantom said:

Well, you gotta score a date before it leads anywhere else. Don't get me wrong, I know that compatibility and chemistry is the key to a long-term relationship. I'm just saying that attractive people obviously have a higher success rate on first impressions, so they can take the knockbacks. 

I don't agree with you.  People who have attractive physical features may be very insecure.  I had many first meets and dates that went nowhere.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, metalfantom said:

I have a couple of good friends but they've all moved away due to work commitments. They're also all settling down with girlfriends now, so I seldom get to see them. 

What are you doing to meet new acquaintances and friends?

[bluecastle]

Just now, metalfantom said:

I'm just saying that attractive people obviously have a higher success rate on first impressions, so they can take the knockbacks. 

Some can, sure. Then again, there are a lot of very fragile very pretty people in the world: another cliche to meet the cliches you're clinging to. And, like all cliches, they are only ever that: a dash of truth spread way, way too thin to be of any real value.  

I guess I'm just trying to encourage you to think a bit less in terms of rules and exceptions, less about life as a competition rigged to keep you in the loser's box, and to focus more on you, your headspace, what you have, how to work with it, how to challenge yourself to think differently, to let go of certain belief systems in order to make room for embracing newer ones.

After all, what is the other option? It's being "destroyed," as you put it, by yourself. If that's the option behind door number one, isn't it worth at least peeking a head in doors two through infinity? 

 

 

[Batya33]

Also please know that wallowing in anger and self-pity often is much easier and safer than venturing out and risking feeling rejected.  Your choice.

[boltnrun]

I dated a man who was extremely physically attractive and had women literally climbing all over him. However, I had to almost force myself to be intimate with him because he was such a sexist, egotistical oaf. I ended up dumping him. I just couldn't stand the guy.

But I'm sure you'll find a way to turn that into a negative or say it's an exception because that story doesn't fit into your narrative.

You asked for help and then rejected EVERY.SINGLE.SUGGESTION. I have to presume you don't want help. Maybe you just want people to give you time and attention?

[metalfantom]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What are you doing to meet new acquaintances and friends?

It's difficult to make friends at my age. And the problem with joining social groups is they have existing cliques. You can end up feeling more of a pariah than before you got there.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

It's difficult to make friends at my age. And the problem with joining social groups is they have existing cliques. You can end up feeling more of a pariah before you got there.

Right -negative generalizations are safer for you.  Why not make a different choice.  You are dead wrong.  I highly recommend volunteering backstage at a community theater -I've seen so many friendships, relationships, marriages flourish from that experience even though I never personaly did it.  When I needed to meet people I was out there being proactive.  Volunteer work, singles activities, going to events at my place of worship, meeting people at work and through work, setting people up on dates-having them reciprocate. 

Yesterday I went to an event at my son's brand new school. I knew no one.  I approached and spoke with 6 different parents.  Were they all enhthusiastic to meet me and friendly? No.  Did I expect this? No.  Have I experienced cliqueness? Many many times over.  So what? I was goign to do my very best to reach my goals and not let silly things like fear and self-pity and negativity get in my way.  Up to you.

[jul-els]

23 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I'm in my 30s and never had a gf. Pathetic I know, but hey. I've had a lot of physical and emotional challenges in my life that made dating not an option. I'm just too ugly, awkward and weird to attract a woman. It is what it is.

However, when I see couples in public I still get filled with heartache and visceral rage. I hate them for what they have. I don't feel most guys even earn their girlfriends, they're lucky to have inherited good looks, status or charisma. And I hate the women because they would never give me a second look.

I know it's not their fault, but it feels like they're rubbing their happiness in my face. 

How do I overcome this before it destroys me?

By learning to love yourself more. When you have love, you attract love. When you have hate, reflected in the way you describe yourself in the above quote, you attract hate, or indifference at best. Love is not attracted to hate, but repelled by it. You possess greatness within you. You must learn to discover and embrace your own greatness. Then love will come to you. It starts from within and grows outward, affecting everything it comes into contact with, including itself. Your destiny is greatness. Own it.

[boltnrun]

There was a young man who used to post on another forum. He too didn't have a girlfriend and thought he was deformed (he had something wrong with his larynx that caused his voice to be high pitched and squeaky). He too asked for help and then proceeded to reject every single suggestion. He also had a 'poor loser me' narrative and mindset. He started multiple threads and got dozens of responses, but after rejecting all suggestions he would come back a few weeks later and repost the same topic. Over and over.

I finally asked him why. Why did he post requests for help and then reject all suggestions and then come back and post the same thing again? And he FINALLY admitted he didn't get any attention or human interaction in 'real' life so he went on forums knowing people would write nice, encouraging things and pay attention to him. Interestingly, after that admission he stopped posting. I presume he went to a different forum.

Do you want suggestions? Do you want help? Do you want to make changes? Or do you just want people to respond and give you attention?

[Cherylyn]

You don't know everyone's stories. 

People come in different packages.  I was just discussing this very topic with my husband at the dinner table last night.

My cousin's husband is very book smart, professionally accomplished, tall, attractive and so what?  He has a dark side to him.  He disrespects all women in general and whenever his wife's back is turned, he is untoward with women.  You can't trust him.  He is a huge liability to his wife.   

My sister's husband is attractive, has great big blue eyes, a very high income earner yet he too has a dark side to his character.  He doesn't treat people well.  He has a major 'mouth problem.'  He is obnoxiously rude and inappropriate to everyone during all social settings.  He alienates others very quickly. 

My BIL (brother-in-law) seethes with intense jealousy if my sister pays attention to anyone except him.  He constantly interrupts her, paws her as if she is his property, very controlling, manipulates her and she enables his behavior because money talks. 

Both of these men have been married to their wives for a long time.  Are they happily married?  Sadly and unsurprisingly, NO. 

My neighbor is handsome yet he runs his wife haggard.  He doesn't help her with the house, child rearing, errands, tasks, chores, etc.  He preens himself while he never picks up the slack for his wife. 

Even though you see happy couples 'happily' prancing before you, do not be easily fooled.  You only see their public veneer and nothing more.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  It is shamefully ugly, cruel, embarrassing and very painful.  You don't know the heavy burdens other people carry.  Looks are deceiving.