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Partner won't compromise on where to live


KarrieLou
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's sad you wish to build a family, but there seems to be an impasse as far as your needs and his wants.

So neither M nor R are compromises. Kick him out and tend to your mental health, children and mother. Let him move back to his ex, child and ex.

 Unfortunately the proceeds of his house (if it ever sells) is his to do what he wants. Why is it for sale anyway if he wants to live in that town?

He put it up for sale when we agreed we wanted a family house, which we originally agreed would be in the M area.

He wouldn't be going back to his ex, that's not a house they lived in it's purely his.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Why has his house been on the market unsold for a whole year?

Everywhere I look, houses are selling in less than a month and usually for more than asking price. Is his house in poor condition or in a high crime area or something?

I don't really know why it's taking so long to sell. We're in the UK if that makes any difference 🤷

His kitchen needs making more modern but that's all. It's not a perfect area, but I wouldn't say it's huge on crime.

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7 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

I don't really know why it's taking so long to sell. We're in the UK if that makes any difference 🤷

His kitchen needs making more modern but that's all. It's not a perfect area, but I wouldn't say it's huge on crime.

Is he asking an unreasonable price?

Or maybe he doesn't really want to sell? Maybe he expects you to move into that house with him?

Everything you've told us about him indicates a man who doesn't truly want to blend households. Compromise doesn't mean one person gets everything they want and the other gives in completely. If neither of you is willing to budge you two will not be able to live together. 

You can successfully coparent even if you don't live together. People do it all the time.

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15 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

 which we originally agreed would be in the M area.

So now he is changing the goal posts that he does not want to live where you are currently living? Why would he bother selling the house if it's in the town he wants to live in? Is it rented? Does he help you out with bills/rent? How can he afford two places?

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52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So now he is changing the goal posts that he does not want to live where you are currently living? Why would he bother selling the house if it's in the town he wants to live in? Is it rented? Does he help you out with bills/rent? How can he afford two places?

He's selling his house so we can afford to buy a family house that's a bit bigger. He doesn't help with my bills, he still pays his own rent and bills for his house. He occasionally gives me £50 a month towards my rent but I do have to push for it.

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17 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

He's selling his house so we can afford to buy a family house that's a bit bigger. He doesn't help with my bills, he still pays his own rent and bills for his house. He occasionally gives me £50 a month towards my rent but I do have to push for it.

What about things for your shared child? He provides for the child financially, I presume.

Bottom line, it doesn't seem like he wants to share a household. Especially if he's not being proactive about getting his current house sold. No reason at all for it to still be on the market after a full year. Unless the price is unreasonable or he isn't pushing the agent to schedule showings and open houses or to do any marketing.

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What are his good traits as a partner and father? Does he take care of you when you're sick? Does he do his share in co-parenting and take the majority of responsibility for his 8 year old when the child is with both of you? Does he buy groceries for his 2 children? Does he give you a break, letting you have "me time" while he handles the child care duties and chores?

When you two are together, task yourselves with writing pros and cons lists for each of the possibilities. Don't take the lead in the answers. Let him give input and maybe it will be clearer to you what his real priorities are by how he answers. It would be a positive thing if he cites things that are important to others and not just himself. If he doesn't bring up cons that affect family members by himself, it shows he's self centered. If he doesn't list cons like more together time with you and the kids, it shows that's not as important to him as it is to you.

Make sure you're never solely relying on a man for shelter. Because if you ever break up, you don't want him to be the sole owner where you could be kicked out, and be financially strapped because you've still had to put in half for a mortgage that's all his, among paying other bills that won't leave you a nest egg to fall back upon if things go south.

You say you have suffered from depression in the past and possibly now. Just make sure that hasn't affected your decision making skills in picking a partner who is less than you deserve. This is a watershed moment that is showing you how he reacts when tough decisions need to be made. Take note.

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His kid is only with you 50% of the time. Your kid and the one you have with this guy are with you 100% of the time, so common sense would dictate that their needs must be prioritised. 

My impression of your partner is that he is unwilling to compromise or be fully committed to your relationship. I'm in the UK and property everywhere has been selling like hot cakes. Maybe he's declining reasonable offers so he can keep on at you until he gets everything his own way? 

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I just feel like I've compromised on a lot already, he doesn't want anymore children, he doesn't want to get married and the house would be decorated in his way. Living in M would be the only compromise he needed to make, and it was still a compromise for me too. So now to find out that he won't do this has upset me massively.

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1 hour ago, KarrieLou said:

I just feel like I've compromised on a lot already, he doesn't want anymore children, he doesn't want to get married and the house would be decorated in his way. Living in M would be the only compromise he needed to make, and it was still a compromise for me too. So now to find out that he won't do this has upset me massively.

If he's not helping you out with rent/ bills, you need to ask him to leave and at least file for child support for the child you have together.

The red flags here are not where to live, but that he owns and pays for a house elsewhere and camps out for free at your rented place.

This argument of he needs to "compromise" and buy a place for us in my location isn't going to go far.

You're trying to leverage this argument by claiming you "compromised" on marriage and more children, but the solution is to not let men camp out at your house for free.

He doesn't owe you buying a house in your location. He owes you rent, bills and child support.

As their parent, it's your responsibility to file for child support on behalf of both your children from their respective fathers

 

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46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he's not helping you out with rent/ bills, you need to ask him to leave and at least file for child support for the child you have together.

The red flags here are not where to live, but that he owns and pays for a house elsewhere and camps out for free at your rented place.

This argument of he needs to "compromise" and buy a place for us in my location isn't going to go far.

You're trying to leverage this argument by claiming you "compromised" on marriage and more children, but the solution is to not let men camp out at your house for free.

He doesn't owe you buying a house in your location. He owes you rent, bills and child support.

As their parent, it's your responsibility to file for child support on behalf of both your children from their respective fathers

 

I completely understand that but child support and bills is not what I'm asking for advice on. I know he doesn't owe me anything in regards to where we should buy a house etc.

I'm just asking for advice on the house and compromising situation.

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17 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

I completely understand that but child support and bills is not what I'm asking for advice on. I know he doesn't owe me anything in regards to where we should buy a house etc.

I'm just asking for advice on the house and compromising situation.

You can’t see the forest for the trees, as many of us cannot in midst of a difficult situations. Moving to M into a house he controls would be a bad idea even if he were willing to do it, which he is not. There is really NO benefit for you to stay in this situation or to compromise everything for a guy who is taking advantage of you financially and shows little interest in anything important to you. 
 

Clearly, he is not thinking of you as a family and a “family house” is not going to make you one. You need to stop doing everything he wants in an attempt to get him to be more involved. Prioritize your well being and your daughter’s well being and get out of this relationship. Then get some real help to figure out why you are willing to give up so much to hang on to an indifferent man. 
 

Please also be aware that you are teaching your daughter that being treated like your are a convenience is perfectly fine. Is that what you want for her? 
 

Edited by arjumand
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2 hours ago, arjumand said:

You can’t see the forest for the trees, as many of us cannot in midst of a difficult situations. Moving to M into a house he controls would be a bad idea even if he were willing to do it, which he is not. There is really NO benefit for you to stay in this situation or to compromise everything for a guy who is taking advantage of you financially and shows little interest in anything important to you. 
 

Clearly, he is not thinking of you as a family and a “family house” is not going to make you one. You need to stop doing everything he wants in an attempt to get him to be more involved. Prioritize your well being and your daughter’s well being and get out of this relationship. Then get some real help to figure out why you are willing to give up so much to hang on to an indifferent man. 
 

Please also be aware that you are teaching your daughter that being treated like your are a convenience is perfectly fine. Is that what you want for her? 
 

Yes this and before I read this I was going to ask the same question as far as being a role model for your daughter. When my husband and I started dating again after 7 years broken up as engaged partners we were then going to be long distances and also knew relocation would be on me for his career.
So as of getting back together we discussed how this could  work. I actually gave him a few US states I would NOt live and he didn’t like those either. Point is I knew right away what the conditions were and his career would take priority.  

I respected him and us for ironing this out right away. Plus we both wanted marriage and a child.  Neither of us ever went back on our promises and even though relocating was hard for me after 43 years in a major city we were married and had a baby on the way and 100% supported his career and I still do 17 years after that conversation. 
I knew my boundaries. You by contrast are settling for scraps and taking dangerous risks financially especially since you’re a mom.  I walked your walk to an extent which is why I mention my story. Good luck 

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19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Him providing (or not providing) for his child is yet another indication of whether or not he's interested in actually being a family with you.

Everything you've told us clearly indicates he is not interested.

I don't understand, he lives in the house with us and takes our child out (along with the rest of us but sometimes on their own), and he does buy things like food and clothes just not all the time, as I do it other times.

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13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He needs pay rent, food and bills on a regular basis. Throw him out if he's just camping there like a parasite.

He pays for food every so often, I pay for it most of the time because I just automatically shop for food all the time (I'm a feeder!). Rent he gives me £50 a month towards it, yes I do have to push to remind him but he can't afford to pay for two places at the same time - as he stills pays his mortgage and bills at his house.

His house is perfectly liveable, there's no reason he's not living there it's just because we all want to be together instead of going back and forth as it's more stable for the children. We can't afford to buy a family home until his house has sold.

Edited by KarrieLou
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21 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

he stills pays his mortgage and bills at his house.we all want to be together instead of going back and forth as it's more stable for the children. 

You keep repeating this. But the answer is he needs to consistently pay for food, bills and rent at your place. He is investing in himself, not you, while he's building equity, he's putting you in the poor house. You need to stop saying "we" when talking about buying a house. It would be his house. However that point is moot because he doesn't want to live where you want to.

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What efforts has he made in trying to get his house sold?

There is absolutely no reason for a house to be sitting for an entire year unsold unless it's in terrible condition or in a supremely undesirable, crime ridden area or the price he's asking is outrageous.

Does he have it listed with an agent? If so, is the agent scheduling showings? Has he had no offers at all?

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I'm really sorry you're in this situation.  It must be very stressful for you.  

Do you understand that he is behaving very consistently?  The way he is functioning as a parent to your child that you have in common, and as your partner as a couple, is in line with his refusal to work with you on where to live.

I don't believe he has any intention of buying a "family home."  It seems advantageous for him to keep his property.   His level of involvement with you and the child the two of you have is exactly where he wants it to be.   When he gets sick enough of living in the town where your place is, he will go home to his own place and ultimately do whatever he personally feels like doing, without regards for you or  the "family." 

Do you understand why people are coming down hard on him for not paying rent on your rental house where he is living most of the time along with his kid (s)?  That is wrong.  

This is not a relationship or a person you can depend upon.   If you insist on trying to force this to be something it really is not (ultimately leading to him buying a home for you all to share, and considering you and your needs in doing so) then go ahead.  But, please, at the same time get things in place so that he is not going to evade financial responsibility for the child you and he have together.   He's not doing the right things already.  Once you two no longer live in the same house I'm afraid it is going ot get worse.

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